I'm Not Popular, So I'll Just Kill Myself

A Watamote abomination



Rating: T

Genre: Tragedy/Angst

Characters/Pairings: Tomoko; [N/A]

Summary: Tomoko leaves a gruesome surprise for her classmates. [trigger warnings: character death, suicide]

The sky was a fiery collage, orange and scarlet hues painting the heavens with a celestial glow as the sun set below the horizon. The school was silent, the last students having left hours ago.

Even the janitorial staff had departed, and the doors were all locked. It was the last day before Golden Week, and everybody was going home to enjoy a well-earned vacation.

...everybody, that is, except for one single, solitary girl.

I'll show them. I'll teach them not to ignore me.

Tomoko's thoughts were grim, her expression intense. She had a manic smile, her eyes wide and eerily gleaming. The teacher's desk wobbled slightly beneath the young mojyo, her footing precarious.

She had a rope in her hands, chuckling disturbingly under her breath as she looped one end over a crossbeam. It was difficult to reach the ceiling, even standing on top of the teacher's desk, but she managed it somehow. Books were stacked up beneath her feet, an incredibly treacherous foothold.

Tomoko tied the knot, mentally consulting the directions she'd found online. Hardcover textbooks shifted dangerously over one another with the slightest tilt of her weight, and her legs trembled with the tricky footing.

She listed sharply to one side, the books nearly slipping.

Tomoko held tight onto the rope, and this was probably the only thing that saved her from a tumble off the desk. The knot stayed firm under her weight, showing zero give.

Despite herself, Tomoko almost grinned.

Is this what they call providence? she mused darkly, smiling a little wider. Look, even God must want me to do it. Why else would I have nearly slipped, except to test the rope? And now I know it won't snap or come untied at the last second...



Tomoko looked up at the loop she had tied over the crossbeam, smiling toothily with a manic gleam in her eyes.

"Is that it, God?" she said. "You want me to do this, right...? Who am I kidding, of course you do. Hahahaha... But is it for my sake, or theirs?"

There was a hint of desperation in Tomoko's expression as she gazed up at the ceiling. Her shoulders were trembling, and her skin was even paler than usual. Her eyes were wide, faintly bloodshot.

Perhaps she hoped for an answer, but none was forthcoming.

None would ever come.

The noose was around her neck already, wasn't it...?

...yes, yes it was... she could feel it, the rope chafing her throat as she glanced out the window. She was still smiling, feeling a giddy energy course through her body.

Tomoko felt almost at peace, as she kicked the books out from under her feet. The rope was short, now that it had been tied up, and the drop wouldn't be nearly enough to snap her neck and kill her right away. Oh no, the noose would tighten, constrict and cut off her airway, constrict the jugular and carotid arteries, but it would not snap her neck.

Her death would not be quick. It would not be painless. But Tomoko didn't care. Perhaps her face would be frozen into an especially gruesome expression from the agony. If she was lucky, maybe she'd even traumatize one of those stupid popular bitches, or dumbass womanizing bastards...

Tomoko tried reflexively to inhale. She felt the rope squeeze her throat, and distantly she was aware of a primal, instinctive panic seizing her. Fingers twitched, hands lifting themselves up an inch or two, before her arms fell limply once more at her sides.

Her vision swam. Her head felt light, dizzy. Flashes of black and white flared across her retina, the world popping into starbursts of muted color. She was spinning, spinning, swaying from side to side, her body getting heavier and heavier beneath her. Her legs kicked weakly, a time or two, knocking some more books off of the teacher's desk.

It was bliss, a purely sublime agony, an utterly excruciating euphoria. Tomoko could feel her brain going numb as the seconds ticked by, her vision dimming further the longer she hung.

She would have moaned, if her airway weren't restricted. Her eyes rolled back in her head, her tongue lolled out. She shuddered, content.

It was a slow, protracted, miserable death. Ten to twenty minutes – that was the average time it took for someone to die from strangulation. Unlike the involved, carefully measured standard and long drop methods of hanging, where the shock of the fall would fracture the spinal column at the neck, ideally resulting in an instant demise, this kind of amateur, self-inflicted hanging was slow, a gradual asphyxiation that dragged matters out to a most unbearable extent.

It was hell, and yet heaven. A horrible, prolonged suffering ending in an ultimate, blissful release. Was this not a microcosm of her very life itself? Too long already, too painful, undignified and shameful, with death the only escape. Pointless, meaningless, a futile gesture in the face of an uncaring universe.

She was dying, and yet there was a smile on her face.

Glassy eyes stared at the setting sun, gazing without sight as the last rays of natural light slipped below the horizon. A lifeless body hung limply from the ceiling, suspended above the teacher's desk.

On the chalkboard behind the dangling form of Tomoko Kuroki was written her final message to the world. It was a single sentence, the characters written shakily, the hand erratic and nearly illegible.

I'll see you all in hell.

The missing persons report wouldn't be filed until the third day after Tomoko failed to come home from school. Her body wouldn't be found until the day after Golden Week.

She wouldn't ever be forgotten again.

A/N: Holy crap, I think this might actually be the first straight up suicide fic I've ever written. Even And None Shall Mourn Thee: In Either Life or Death (wow that is an unwieldy title) was more just the main character lying down and giving up.

This is seriously, I am pretty sure, the first outright "depressed character kills themself" fanfic that I have written in the eight years I've been on this site, and that's out of like almost 150 fics of all shapes, sizes, genres, and ratings.

I blame Tomoko.

Updated: 8-13-14

TTFN and R&R!

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