Guildenstern lay on his bunk, the grimy light filtering in from equally grimy bars. His tattered sheet did little to block out the cold, only his thin clothes provided any semblance of warmth. Summer had finished early in England. It was cold. Guildenstern raised his head as he heard a rattling coming from the stairs. The scruffy, sour-smelling prison guard, holding a few rusty keys, shuffled over to Guildenstern's cell and unlocked it.
"Yer to follow me, Dane." He wheezed. Guildenstern raised himself and walked over to the door. He wondered where Rosencrantz was. A little companionship would have been nice. Even from Rosencrantz. Soon, two guards joined themselves to the parade, and the jailer went back to his dungeon. They marched up the stairs, heading further up the castle. Drums were beating in the dawn. Guildenstern was led outside, to a small raised podium. He saw Rosencrantz there. Scared and confused. A lead ball formed in his stomach.
Rosencrantz whipped his head around and spotted Guildenstern being led towards the chopping block. "And so it ends…" he thought. Rosencrantz didn't understand, he and Guildenstern had done everything right. They had served the king, they had taken Hamlet to England, but he had escaped.
"I guess we didn't do everything right." He mumbled aloud. Guildenstern was on the podium by now.
"Don't be afraid. Everyone dies, some just sooner than others. At least ours will be quick" Guildenstern whispered.
Rosencrantz looked into his friend's eyes. They were dull, bitter, cynical to the world. The executioner gave his axe a final polish. The blade gave a high pitched ringing. It was hefted aloft by the huge man. Rosencrantz was led forward first.
"any last words?" the gruff man queried.
"To tell the truth, I'm relieved. It's going to end. For good or evil, I don't know, but my part is finished. The show must go on." At that, Rosencrantz kneeled and placed his head on the block. The executioner raised his axe.
Guildenstern leapt into action. Rolling clear of his guards, he kicked Rosencrantz out of the way of the axe and skilfully manoeuvred his hands into the path of the murderous weapon. The sharp blade sliced through his bonds and thudded into where Rosencrantz' neck had been moments before. Rosencrantz, understanding what Guildenstern was doing, leapt up and head-butted the executioner, knocking him off the podium and onto the hard cobblestones below. Guildenstern, his hands free, picked up the massive axe and swung it in a circle, removing one of the guards heads from his shoulders. Rosencrantz, his hands still tied, pulled the knife out of the dead mans belt and threw it, stabbing the second guard's eye. Together, they sprinted towards the walls, climbed them, and leapt into the ocean below. Sputtering, vGuildenstern resurfaced.
"That was too close." He gasped.
"I agree." coughed Rosencrantz, bobbing out of the water, using only his feet to tread water. "Come on, let's head for shore." The pair swam back to the shoreline, and managed to drag themselves into the thick woods before the cavalry arrived from the castle. Watching safely from the tree-line, the pair of courtiers watched the English soldiers milling around. One stepped off his horse and paced up and down the beach. He stopped and knelt at a point. He then raised his head and looked squarely at where Rosencrantz and Guildenstern were hiding.
"Dungarees." Cursed Guildenstern. "Let's run."
Rosencrantz nodded, and they scampered deeper into the woods. A bugle sounded from the direction of the hunting party.
"Now we know what it's like to be foxes eh Guil?" Puffed Rosencrantz.
"Quiet and save your breath for running Roz." Huffed Guildenstern.
No matter how fast they ran, the soldiers went faster. They had horses, and were obviously quite skilled at manoeuvring in the forests.
"We need to hide." said Guildenstern, his voice coming in short sharp breaths.
"Smeevils woop!" cartwheeled Rosencrantz. "There's a Ferrari over there!"
The two ran over to it and evicted the plump albino who was sipping his tea in the car, before jumping in it and racing off. They drove onto the bumpy track and went as fast as they dared on the narrow passage to freedom.
"We've done it Guil! We've escaped the English!" whooped Rosencrantz slicing his bonds on the broken cd in the glove box .
"Not yet Roz, we still have a fair way to go." cautioned Guildenstern
Suddenly, a beat of wings was heard and the pair looked up, seeing the English cavalry flying above them, their horses having unfurled their wings.
"By the moon! What sorcery is this!?" Guildenstern looked upon the pursuers with wonder and fear.
"I'll get them Guildenstern, I always wanted my own flying horse." At that, Rosencrantz did a triple backflip off the Ferrari, landing squarely on the helm of a soldier.
It slipped over the soldiers eyes and jammed there. Rosencrantz then deftly hopped onto the horses head and swung his foot into the soldiers gut, sending him tumbling off. Rosencrantz slid into the saddle and wheeled the horse around, sending it towards another Englishman. The soldier drew his sword and attempted to cut off the horse's wing, but failed abominably and was instead buffeted off by the power of Rosencrantz' horse's wing's passage. Meanwhile Guildenstern had armed the grenade launcher in his pocket and was aiming it at the captain of the enemy. He pulled the pin and threw the grenade launcher, but the captain dodged it in a flashy tumble, and it exploded among the men behind him instead, with grenades bonking his soldiers before exploding into acidic confetti.
"Kiss my right buttock you oaf!" yelled the captain.
Guildenstern flipped the captain an obscene gesture, before returning his attention to driving. Meanwhile, Rosencrantz had procured a sword and was busy fighting the remaining English, all the while trying to keep his horse following the Ferrari so he wouldn't lose Guildenstern. Out of nowhere, an ugly thwacking noise was heard and Rosencrantz' horse was smashed out of the air. Rosencrantz felt a searing pain in his leg and saw that a massive crossbow bolt had thudded into his horse and slashed a deep groove in his leg. The captain reloaded his crossbow and took aim at the falling man and mount. Just as he was about to shoot, a Ferrari windscreen wiper flipped up and poked him in the eye. This earned Rosencrantz just enough time to wrench himself out of the saddle and leap onto the back of a passing rhino. Digging his heels into the beast's flanks, Rosencrantz encouraged it to a rumbling gallop.
Guildenstern held the second windshield wiper, ready to toss it if needed. When he saw Rosencrantz was comparatively safe he tucked it into his doublet and twisted the wheel into turning the car off the track, through a hedge and onto a proper road. Rosencrantz followed soon after, and they raced along, followed by the captain and his two remaining men. Guildenstern's eyes flicked back quickly, and he noticed the captain holding a medallion around his neck and shouting into it.
"I have an uneasy feeling about this…" Guildenstern thought to himself.
A shout from ahead diverted his attention, and he saw Rosencrantz on the rhinoceros being sandwiched between two heavily armoured jeeps. Inside, waving submachine guns and halberds, were the King's Elite. The greatest warriors in service to the English king.
"Where the blazes did they come from!" Guildenstern floored the accelerator and ate up the distance between his friend. Holding the windshield wiper as a sword, he crashed the Ferrari like a bullet into one of the jeeps. Seconds before impact, Guildenstern stood up and climbed on the bonnet. The collision threw him onto the top of the jeep, and Guildenstern stabbed the windshield wiper into the roof, clinging to it as the jeep fishtailed wildly due to the collision it had received. The Ferrari dropped behind, damaged beyond repair and exploded, killing one of the airborne soldiers.
Meanwhile, Rosencrantz was fending off the halberds, but the rhino was less lucky. A heavy steel blade thunked into the road, tripping the animal. Rosencrantz grabbed one of the stabbing halberds and hung on, his body an inch above the ground rushing by. One of the King's Men aimed his assault rifle squarely between Rosencrantz' eyes and shot him until the corpse smacked into the road, skidded a few hundred metres losing a lot of skin, and came to a halt, a mangled body.
At least, that was the man's plan, but Rosencrantz struck faster than a snake and grabbed the gun, pushing it aside just as a storm of bullets was released.
Guildenstern saw all this happen, but was busy dodging the sporadic gunfire that erupted from the other jeeps interior and holding on to the bent windscreen wipers. With a herculean effort, Guildenstern swung himself around till he was firmly on the front of the car, blocking the view of the road. He ripped one of the jeeps own windscreen wipers off and swung it into the rear vision mirror, snapping it off. The driver inside didn't show any fear, but he was a highly trained soldier. Using the rear vision mirror, Guildenstern started hammering the windscreen. Another soldier wound down one of the side windows, intending to shoot Guildenstern. This was what the Dane had been waiting for, and he threw the rear vision mirror faster than the eye could follow, soundly smacking the man in the forehead and toppling him out the window. Following up, Guildenstern twisted his body and threw himself into the vehicle via the open window.
"Exit this vehicle immediately!" he hollered.
The driver calmly unbuckled his seatbelt, reached up and punched the roof of the car clean off. He then stood up in his seat. Guildenstern raised his head from his kneeling-on-the-seat position. The King's Man's shirt had disappeared, and underneath were oiled and gleaming muscle. The man stood over two metres tall. He was also spitting a pair of brass knuckles out of his mouth and onto his fists.
"Oh." said Guildenstern. "My mistake. Wrong jeep." He smiled weakly. The King's Man threw a lightning fast jab at Guildenstern, who dropped his head out of the way. Without falling off balance, the King's Man neatly followed through with his punch by stepping onto Guildenstern. An explosive rush of air left Guildenstern's lungs, and he was squashed against the jeep's seat. The King's Man took opportunity of the fact by crouching until he was close to the Dane's face and turned it around until it was deep in the seat. Guildenstern felt the iron grip and tried to buck off his opponent, but the foe was too heavy.
Guildenstern's lungs were screaming for air, and little spots were dancing behind the blackness of his eyes. Suddenly, the pressure was off, and he looked up just in time to see the brass knuckles fly through the air and into Rosencrantz' face. Guildenstern's friend was knocked onto the back seat of the jeep with a bloody nose, and behind him was a rapidly disappearing cloud of smoke that was the remains of the second jeep. It was apparent that Rosencrantz had taken control of said jeep and rammed it into the huge King's Man's jeep. The King's Man in question was busy steering the vehicle with his foot, while facing Guildenstern and Rosencrantz with his fists raised. All the while the man's face was determined and his moustache bristled threateningly. Guildenstern crawled over to the backseat and sat with Rosencrantz, getting his breath back. Once they were ready, they waited while the enemy fixed their jeep's course so they wouldn't crash, and stepped back onto the bonnet. All the man was wearing was a pair of military trousers and brass knuckles.
"You're very talented." Guildenstern began.
"He hit me." Whimpered Rosencrantz.
"Shut up Rosencrantz" Hissed Guildenstern. "Let me talk to him."
"I saved your life, you can't tell me to shut up."
"Hush. Anyway Mr Moustache, we'd like to escape your lovely rainy country, and we would be ever so grateful if you allowed us to tie you up and throw you from this jeep. We need it to run away you see, and your weight might slow us down."
"Don't call him fat, he'll take offense."
"Rosencrantz. Shut. Up." Rosencrantz subsided into a dark mutter.
Guildenstern sighed and kept talking to the man. "We don't want revenge on you or this country. We just want to go back to Denmark, where we can hit Hamlet a bit for selling us out. We'll be out of your hair, both facially and metaphorically."
The man stared at them with narrowed eyes but didn't say anything. He raised his right fist, uncurled it, and made a gesture that would have been totally out of place in court.
"That was very rude." Grumbled Guildenstern. "Just because we're enemies doesn't mean we can't be polite."
"You did call him fat." Pointed out Rosencrantz.
The three men settled into fighting stance. Guildenstern moved forward and jabbed the man with a probing attack. Rosencrantz meanwhile turned around and opened the boot of the car and fished out a claymore.
"This is a bit unfair, but should do." he rubbed the blade eagerly.
Guildenstern and The King's man were sparring with their fists. Guildenstern was quicker, but only just, and the big man was much more powerful. As Rosencrantz watched, a ducking blow winded Guildenstern and made him flop onto the back seat, gasping like a fish.
"Alright, since that didn't work, me and my sword will have to pick up the slack."
The King's Man was wary, but didn't back off. Rosencrantz swung a blow designed to decapitate his foe, but the blow was dodged. "The sword is too big to swing quickly." Rosencrantz realised, too late to evade the headbutt which thudded into his face.
Guildenstern got his breath back in time to have it knocked out of him again as Rosencrantz fell on top of him.
The King's Man picked up the Claymore. He spoke.
"You should surrender now." his voice was deep and manly.
Guildenstern tried to get up, but Rosencrantz was still unconscious and squashing him.
"You know, I think we might." groaned Guildenstern. The King's Man nodded.
"My name is Jimsworthe." Said the big man.
"A pleasure…" wheezed Guildenstern.
Jimsworthe turned, stabbed the claymore into the passenger chair, and sat in the driver's chair. Slowing down, he halted the jeep. Getting out, he stretched his legs a bit, flexed his muscles and pulled a gem out of his pocket.
"Calling to England HQ, I have the escapees."
A metallic voice sputtered out from the gem.
"Excellent work, Thistlebonnet. Bring em' in."
"Thistlebonnet?" Said Guildenstern. "What?"
"My nickname." The king's man looked awkward.
With that, he proceeded to knock them unconscious.