Heinous and Herb Title Sequence

By Henry J. Cobb

Heinous and Herb are sitting under a tree. Herb is smoking a joint while Herb reads a book titled 'Law'.

There's a 104 kinds of capital crimes
and countless misdemeanors.
So the puzzle for our two junior misfits
is finding how many they can commit.

The scene zooms into Heinous' thoughts and shifts to an Egyptian pyramid interior along the lines of a Universal Studios 1930s film. Heinous and Herb are dressed in period high priest costumes. They chant while the lid of a sarcophagus is lowered on ropes. Inside the sarcophagus a figure struggles. From her shape and the stray bits of red hair that peek outside the otherwise all over white wrappings, it's most likely Candi.

Like maybe building a mummy,

The scene shifts to a park, where Candi is clutching onto the leg of Herb, who is dressed up in an Indiana Jones costume.

or fighting off the Eiffel Tower.

The tower has become animated and is moving to crush the pair under one of its four "legs". Herb cracks his whip in its direction and it pulls back. This entire scene has the fuzzy quality of one of Herb's vegetation induced fantasies, which perhaps explains Candi's uncharacteristic timidity.

Creating something that shouldn't exist,

Heinous and Herb are wearing white lab coats and standing in a microbiology lab, there are containers with the names of various disease microorganisms around them. Heinous is holding up and looking at a tightly stoppered glass test tube with some strange liquid inside while Herb is holding up a clipboard. Candi slams the door open as she arrives with her usual angry expression. Startled, Heinous drops the test tube, which shatters. The criminal pair look down at the spill while in the background Candi sniffs, then puts her hands to her neck and her face turns green while she falls over. The scene zooms into Herb's clipboard as he check's "Test Vaccine" off the list.

or taking a decontamination shower.

Heinous and Herb are in hazmat "bunny suits" as they use long handled mops to scrub Candi, who is shivering under a shower. From the way her arms are placed it's impossible to tell if she's wearing even underwear, but given the circumstances this is unlikely.

Making tidal waves,

Candi is in their backyard yelling so loudly at her brothers as they run away that she doesn't hear the wall of water approaching from behind her.

Spreading gray goo,

Herb is sitting in a yoga pose smoking a joint and Heinous has his hand to his (lack of) chin as he's deep in thought, while Candi beats on an animated amorphous blob with a shovel. The blob eats the head of the shovel and seems to grow larger.

Or reprogramming Einstein's brain.

A 1940's style room at night. The great professor is snug in his bed under the covers. He's wearing an old fashioned pointy nightcap, with one arm wrapped around a zombie cat plushy, while he sucks his other thumb. The two misfits teleport in wearing OSS outfits. As Herb keeps a lookout, Heinous sneaks over and whispers in Albert's ear, "Build the bomb."

Unleashing velociraptor,

Candi runs from a pack of hungry looking small dinosaurs.

Redirecting asteroids,

Candi is standing outdoors around noon. It suddenly becomes dark. She looks up and freezes.

Or making our sister our maid.

The boys are wearing expensive robes and sitting in comfy chairs in a small private library. Heinous is smoking a pipe while Herb smokes a hookah. Candi enters wearing a sexy french maid outfit and carrying a tea service on a platter. Her eyes have a glazed look and her motions are slow, as if she's not really all there at the moment.

So there's a multitude of sins to commit,
before we can be tried as adults.

The two boys play air guitar while scenes of indescribable horror flash past in the background.

So stick with us or Heinous and Herb are gonna do your mom.

Candi runs in, points to the boys and shouts, "Mom, Heinous and Herb are threatening incest!"

Their mom replies from off-screen, "Candi, what did I tell you about projecting your sick fantasies on others?"

"But Mom!"

"The only butt I want to hear is yours, young lady, as I give it a proper spanking."

Heinous grins as he says, "Mom, are you going to force us to watch?"

Herb quickly adds, "... and videotape it?"

There's a slight pause and then their Mom replies semi-robtically, "I suppose that's the only way she'll learn her lesson."

-HJC