A/N: Between last Friday on Smackdown, Summerslam and last night on Raw, I'm having an overload of Ambrollins feelings sooo I decided to present to you all this totally unplanned one shot right here.
"I'm better than some Lunatic Fringe who doesn't give a damn about his physical well-being. I'm better than some bipolar nutjob who should be locked away. I'm better than some hellcat with rabies who was never my friend, who was never my brother, and who I never gave a damn about in the first place."
The words played themselves over and over in Dean's head as he downed yet another shot of whiskey. Smackdown was done taping and he had booked it out of the arena as fast as he possibly could. He hadn't even bothered to drop his stuff back off at the hotel. He just stopped at the bar closest to the arena and started throwing down shots like there was no tomorrow. A few people recognized him but he was putting off such a terrible vibe that they didn't dare approach him for autographs. For that he was grateful. There was no way in hell he would be able to handle anyone coming at him. The only company he could stomach was the Jack Daniels that was flowing freely. It was becoming an all too common companion for him. Alcohol had always been one of his vices but until recently he had been cutting back. He was getting older and had a job he couldn't fuck up. And really he hadn't had a reason to want to get stupidly shit faced. But now everything had gone to hell. The situation with Seth was taking its toll on him. Everything had been so fucked up since the betrayal and it was only getting worse as time went on. Roman begged for him to just beat his ass in the ring and then let it go but it wasn't that simple. It could never be that simple. His ability to fall into obsessions was a dangerous flaw of his. And from the very first day they had met he had fallen into one with Seth.
He stepped out of the car, cursing himself for forgetting his sunglasses back at the apartment they had set him up in. It was his first day of actually reporting to the FCW Arena for training or whatever. The place wasn't much better than the little piss ass arenas he had been spilling blood in for the past several years. He supposed this was deliberate. They wanted to keep them low on the totem pole and then make them appreciate the glitz and the glamor of the main roster more when they were finally brough up. Not that he really cared. He didn't show it but there was a feeling of shock radiating through him just for getting signed. He knew very well that he was never supposed to make it this far. Guys like him were never supposed to even get a second look from the major leagues. But here he was now, slipping in through the front door. Sure it was developmental and sure he could possibly be cut before even sniffing a main roster shot but he pushed those thoughts aside. For once he wanted to just enjoy a moment.
Everybody and everything came to a screeching halt as he entered. His reputation had completely preceded him. They all stared at him, the vast majority of them in trepidation or distaste. Only one person held a completely different expression. A lanky man with long dark hair and a ridiculous looking baseball cap sitting sideways on the top of his head. Brown eyes met his own blue and suddenly there was this buzzing in his ears. The hair on the back of his neck stood up and he didn't hear a word Dusty Rhodes said as he approached. He just stared at the gorgeous creature of the man, the seed of obsession being planted deep in his very soul before he even knew it was happening.
"Fuck," he grumbled. He downed another shot. He was drinking to forget, not remember. But nothing ever worked out how he planned for it to. If things had gone to plan there never would have been a betrayal. Seth would be beside him, enjoying the drinks and the freedom their days off would bring them. They would close down the bar and then make the trip to the hotel room, stumbling over each other and maybe getting into a playful wrestling match on the way. If they weren't too plastered they would cap the night off with sex and Dean would pass out on top of the younger man and sleep with his face buried in his neck. But that was no more. Seth had ruined everything and even when they met up to fuck (because that was always so fucking inevitable with the two of them) it was brutal. It was filled to the brim with such poisonous hate that Dean regretted each time he gave in. He told himself each time that it would never happen again. Yet eventually his body and mind always caved. Seth was a cancer and he was the one infected. In his brain, in his heart, in his body and blood and soul...and he knew it was the same for Seth.
Or at least he thought he knew it. Maybe he didn't know what he thought he did. Seth's words were coming back to haunt him. Those fucking god damn words. And there was a lie somewhere in this whole fucked up mess. But he wasn't sure where it was. Had Seth's lie been him even giving a damn like he had said tonight? Had he just strung Dean along until he got tired of playing the game? Or were the words tonight the lie? Had Seth really cared once upon a time but now didn't want to admit it? It was hard to decide which was worse. If it was the former then Dean was a true fool because the lie had been in his face for three years. But if it was the latter that meant he had done something so wrong it made Seth not love him anymore. And either way, he had given Seth all the ammunition he could ever need to destroy him mentally and emotionally. All that needed to happen now was for Seth to pull the trigger the rest of the way and he'd be finished.
The little rat of a dog barking in his face was what woke Dean up. He groaned, barely stopping himself from pissing Seth off and swatting the little thing away. He had been convinced to come down to Florida to spend the week. Not that he had truly needed convincing at all. He just didn't want to look eager and so had made Seth whine and beg him for the quality time. "Fucking get," he growled at the dog.
The thing just barked at him again.
"Kevin!" Seth yelled from the other room. "Come here boy!"
Kevin gave Dean one last growl before jumping off the bed and running to go see Seth. Dean made a face at the animal as it went before groaning and rubbing his eyes. It was earlier than he wanted to be up but he already knew he wasn't going to be able to go back to sleep. He stretched his limps out before reluctantly rolling out of bed. He searched around the room until he found a pair of boxers to slip on. He could hear Seth doing the most ridiculous baby talking shit to that mutt and he rolled his eyes. That was begging to be mocked and Dean had every intention in the world to do it. He really did. But the moment he stepped into the room Seth stopped and looked up at him. Brown eyes twinkled playfully and there was that fucking grin again. The fucking grin that Dean was getting more and more just for walking into a room. The grin that scared him because fucking nobody looked at him like that. Nobody acted like they were being graced by his mere presence. He wasn't the guy people were happy to see yet here Seth was, grinning like a lovesick teenager. On the outside he just smirked like he thought nothing of it. On the inside though, his stomach flipped around and his heart started to pound faster.
Oh god fucking help him he had gotten in way too deep.
The strong, low voice cut through the haze and brought him back to reality. He turned to see that Roman was now standing beside him. He had no idea when the other man had even gotten there. "Hey." He patted the empty stool next to him. "Sit with me."
Roman shook his head. Grey eyes were filled with sadness and what Dean took as disappointment. He was disappointing Roman all over again with his endless amount of bullshit. "You don't need to have anymore." His strong hands grabbed Dean and pulled him off his stool. "Come on. You're rooming with me."
"Fuck off," Dean grumbled and half heartedly tried to push Roman away. He always had to try to push away and reject any kind of help. Thankfully for him, Roman knew him well enough to know he didn't actually mean it. He just held on to Dean, making sure he didn't fall over as the full weight of the booze hit him. He hadn't felt any of it while he had been sitting there. "Fuck." He clung to Roman for support, his head lazily dropping against the other man's shoulder. People were staring at him but he was too far gone to notice. Roman gave them a nice glare before scooping Dean up wedding carry style and getting him out to his car. He sat him in the passenger's seat and buckled him in before handing him a spare paper bag.
"If you feel sick throw up in this."
Dean batted the bag off his lap the moment Roman went to go around to the driver's side. He wasn't going to be sick. His stomach was churning sure but he didn't see how any vomit would get past the lump in his throat. What was Roman even doing anyway? His path was chasing championships and causing hell for Randy Orton. Why was he here cleaning up Seth's mess? Why was he pretending to care? If Seth hadn't cared then who said Roman really ever did in the first place?
"I'm not him." Roman's voice again brought him back to reality. He started the car and pulled out of the parking lot. "Just because he did something doesn't mean I'm going to do it." He hadn't even needed to ask to know what was on Dean's mind. He always fucking knew. He kept one hand on the steering wheel while the other reached over and grabbed Dean's hand. "You're stuck with me."
Roman wasn't lying. Voices in Dean's head screamed at him to think it given what Seth did, but in his heart he knew Roman was being honest. Roman was too good and pure to be a liar in disguise. That or he was an even better liar than Seth was but Dean didn't even want to think like that. Everything hurt too much as it was. If he lost Roman too...no. He shook off those thoughts and squeezed Roman's hand. He wanted this to be enough. Roman was strong. His support didn't waver. He loved him. And he loved Roman. Adored him...but he wasn't Seth. As terrible as it was (and he would never EVER say this even under the threat of death) but he knew that his heart wouldn't be aching nearly as badly if Roman had been the betrayer instead of Seth.
He tried to just shake that off. Wishing it hadn't been Seth wasn't going to change the fact that it had actually been Seth. All the wishing and the booze in the world wouldn't take back the chair shots that had been brought on him. It wouldn't take back all the Curb Stomps he had taken. It wouldn't take back the terrible things Seth had said or change the aching hole in his heart. The only thing that would maybe change anything was getting some revenge on Summerslam. He doubted it at this point but he had to hope. Something had to change. If he had to live like this for much longer he didn't know what the hell he was going to do.
He should have known better than to hope for anything anymore.
The match hadn't solved a god damn thing. He had thought he wanted it for so long. He had convinced himself that pounding Seth's face in and having an insurance policy that he wouldn't get away (which failed anyway until Kane gave everyone a kick in the ass) would bring him the peace he so desperately wanted but it had been to no avail. His heart had ached the whole time and by the end of it he had just been a mess.
He had the audacity to tell Seth he still loved him.
He had nearly sobbed like a fucking baby after he gave Seth his own curb stomp.
And to top it all off, he had fucking lost because Seth decided to use the briefcase as a fucking weapon.
All and all, it had been a pretty awful night.
So now he sat in his and Roman's hotel room, a bottle of whiskey once again in hand. The car ride there had been very quiet. Roman had tried to be comforting but Dean hadn't wanted to hear it. It's not like they could bond over what a shitty night they were having. Roman had fucking won his match. Roman wasn't clouded with this constant ache in his chest or the feeling that part of him was missing. He didn't even understand why he felt that way. What was it about Seth that made him so very fucking different than everyone else? It was something that felt clear but was impossible to really explain, even to himself. Seth was...Seth was home. Seth could sate him when nobody else could. Seth was fucking everything but of course Seth didn't feel the same anymore (if he did at all Dean still couldn't decide which it was). Everything and everyone he ever cared about either left him or just used him or both. It was the same old fucking song and dance and would never change.
"Do you believe in love at first sight?"
The question made Dean uncomfortable for a whole host of reasons. One was he just hadn't been expecting it. He and Seth had snuck up on to the roof of the hotel and were laying back, just looking up at the stars. It had been Seth's idea and Dean had gone right along with it. His arm was tucked under Seth's head while Seth played with his fingers. They had been laying in silence for so long that he hadn't even expected Seth to say anything. "What?"
"Love at first sight." Seth tilted his head back so he could look at Dean's face. "You believe in it?"
Immediately Dean's mind flashbacked to the first time he had ever seen Seth. He remembered the feelings that had coursed through him the mere SECOND he had seen the younger man. "Who said I believe in love at all?" He couldn't say yes to that. No way. That was some territory that he didn't even need to get into.
Seth rolled his eyes. He saw through Dean's bullshit answer. "What about soul mates?"
Dean frowned. "What's with the mushy third degree?" He nudged Seth lightly with his nose. "Huh? What the fuck is with you tonight?"
"I'm just asking." Seth kissed Dean on the chin. "I heard the girls talking about this shit so I thought I'd ask."
"Oh." Dean shifted around uncomfortably. "Do you believe in it?"
Seth gave him a long, hard look. "Would you laugh at me if I said I did?"
The sound of the shower shutting off made Dean look up. He put the bottle of whiskey aside and got to his feet. Four strides took him to the TV. Four strides brought him back. Back and forth, back and forth. Roman only took a few moments to get dress and emerge from the bathroom but to Dean it felt like a life time. The moment he stepped back into the room Dean lunged at him, legs wrapping around his waist and lips attacking his. Roman stumbled back slightly but didn't fall. His hands went under Dean's ass to hold him up and he kissed him back feverishly. He didn't question Dean on what he was doing or why. This wasn't the first time they had done it. Experimental threesomes had been common during The Shield's heyday and now that Seth was gone, Roman indulged Dean in his attempts to fuck Seth out of his system.
Already though, Dean could feel the thoughts of Seth getting even stronger. Roman's lips were so much different than Seth's. They felt different, tasted different, kissed different...the raw need Seth always kissed him with wasn't there. Roman invited him in but act like he would die if he didn't suck Dean's soul out through his mouth. And maybe that was for the best. He really didn't have anything left for Roman to take. Seth had it all and even now, despite everything, he was the only one he wanted to give himself to. Such a fucking fool for love he was.
"Are you sure about this?"
Dean's heart was pounding away in his chest but he nodded despite that. They were naked on his bed, Seth hovering over him as he laid flat on his back. Seth had been gone for a few days to visit his folks back in Iowa and Dean had scared himself with how much he had missed him. His absolute clinginess from the moment Seth walked back through the door had scared him even more. But this right here, what he was prepared to let Seth do, scared him most of all.
Seth blinked, still taken aback by this new development. "Have you ever..."
Dean shook his head.
"No." He reached over to the bedside table and grabbed the lube he had placed there. "Just do it."
Seth took the lube but still hesitated. "You want me to grab a condom?"
"Fuck no. I want to feel you." He reached down between them and wrapped a hand around Seth's shaft. "I want to feel you." He swallowed down the boulder size lump that had settled in his throat and said the words he didn't actually expect to get the courage to say. "I want it to be you."
The way Seth looked at him made his stomach do a flip and his heart skip a beat. Seth kissed him hard, tongue diving into his mouth eagerly. Dean moaned and brought both of his hands up to hold Seth's head in place. He heard Seth pop the cap off the lube but tried not to watch as Seth drizzled it on his fingers. He didn't do this kind of shit. He was always the one doing the fucking. Being on the receiving end asked for trust he just simply didn't possess in people. But as hard and fast as his heart was beating and despite the fact his limbs were trembling, he didn't even think of telling Seth to stop. Turning back was the last thing he wanted to do.
One slicked finger slipped inside him slowly. He gasped and his hands moved to grab the sheets below him. Seth kept his mouth on his, kissing him as he slowly added more fingers into the mix. He fucked Dean with them slowly, scissoring them apart to stretch him and to try to make what was going to happen next hurt less. He teased Dean until the dirty blond was writhing and then pulled his fingers out. He slathered more lube over his cock and pressed the head of his cock against Dean's entrance. Brown eyes met blue ones and Seth waited, giving Dean the chance to back out if he wants.
"I love you."
Dean's words shocked the both of them. Not because they're surprised he feels that way. They both knew it without it even being said. But now here he was, putting it out there and right now of all times. Seth smiled and traced his fingers over Dean's face. "I love you too."
Dean's stomach flipped over in itself at the words. A small hiss escaped him as Seth entered him. His wrapped his arms around Seth's body and held him close, burying his face in the crook of his neck. Seth stayed still, letting him adjust before he started to move. Dean bit down into Seth's skin. His legs wrapped themselves around Seth's waist. Seth moved tortuously slow, not picking up speed until Dean moved his hips toward him in return. He moved his head back and kissed Dean, swallowing down his moans and whimpers. "So fucking perfect," he mumbled between kisses.
Dean shook his head. Seth had lost his damn mind. That wasn't him. He was so very far from perfect that it wasn't even funny. And he didn't want Seth to feel like he had to lie to him. That wasn't what he had ever asked from the other man.
"You are." Seth's too stubborn to just give up. He moves faster in Dean, planting kisses all over his face. "You're so fucking perfect." His hand wrapped around Dean's length, stroking it in time with his thrusts. "I love you." Seth kissed Dean even harder. "I do I love you."
Dean tried to say the words back. He wanted to. He felt and he wanted to say it but a choked out whimper was all he could manage. Seth still got the message and brought them over the edge together, leaving Dean a trembling, content mess underneath him.
Roman's genuinely freaked out cooing snapped Dean out of the memory. They were on the bed, both shirtless and Roman's sweat pants had started to be pulled down. Roman held him tight, pressing his tear stained face against his chest. He didn't remember when he started to cry. What he knew was that he couldn't stop. He tried to pull it back in. He was a grown man he didn't need to be blubbering all over Roman. But every time he tried to control himself a fresh sob would break free, each uglier than before. Shoulders shook and chest ached and the screams coming from his throat were going to wake the entire hotel up. They were going to hear what a fucking mess he was but he couldn't make it stop.
"You gotta let him go." Roman smoothed down Dean's hair and kissed the top of his head. "Let him go Dean. Just let him go."
It was easy for Roman to say. He was always so cool and calm with his emotions. He could assess and attack and do his whole fucking thing. He didn't live in the constant whirlwind of uncontrollable emotions. The man he loved hadn't ripped out his heart and set it on fire for the world to see. The shriveled black thing left behind from that hadn't crawled back into his chest and continued to beat for the one who had done it to begin with. That was all on Dean. That was Dean's cross to bear. Because as big of a game that he could talk and as much as he wanted to, he couldn't bring himself to hate Seth. Seth was still his one.
He just wasn't Seth's.
And that was his to live with until it killed him.