DEAR MASTER LUCAS

A FAN-tastical Star Wars Oneshot by Vyrazhi, ©2014

Dear Master Lucas,

Wroooorrr. Wror wreyrr howroooooorrr hrrr wrooooorrrrr?

Chewbacca's Ghost

Dear Chewbacca's Ghost,

For the quadrillionth time, I'm sorry you were killed off in the expanded-universe novel VECTOR PRIME. I get enough grief from angry fans all over the world, and I don't need you haunting me anymore. If it makes you feel any better, you are most likely going to be in Episode VII, although you might die there, too.

George Lucas

Dear Master Lucas,

Why am I considered to be homosexual by Star Wars viewers? I'm a droid. I don't have genitals!

C-3PO

Dear See-Threepio (the canon way to spell your name),

Not to mention sexual desire. Nevertheless, some of your characteristics raise the possibility, especially these three: 1) You speak with an extensive vocabulary, whereas the more butch - I'm sorry, "utilitarian" - Artoo-Detoo only talks in bleeps and blurps. 2) You're always fretting over one thing or another, whereas macho Han Solo rolls with the punches. 3) Admit it: That walking trash can is more than a friend, isn't he?

George Lucas

Dear Master Lucas,

Who REALLY shot first?

Star Wars Fans Across the Globe

Dear Annoying (pardon me, Adoring) Fans,

The correct answer, of course, is ME - if you ever ask this question again.

George Lucas

Dear Master Lucas,

Why do we always lose? I mean, seriously?

The Sith

Dear Sith,

I have four words for you: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK.

George Lucas

Dear Master Lucas,

How is it that you cannot seem to write above a fifth-grade level in any of your movies?

Ms. G. Rammarian, Fifth-Grade English Teacher

Dear Ms. Rammarian:

When people watch Star Wars, they don't want Shakespeare. What they want is space battles and anus-kicking explosions, and by golly, that's what they'll get. If you want it to be academically enriching, make your students write a report about it. Of course, that will make them hate Star Wars, so just don't, okay?

George Lucas

Dear Master Lucas,

Meesa Jar Jar Binks! Is meesa going to beesa in Episode VII?

Your Favorite Gungan

Dear My Not-So-Favorite Gungan,

NO.

George Lucas

Dear Master Lucas,

Could you please "retcon" Drew Karpyshyn's novel REVAN out of existence?

Lord Revan

Dear Lord Revan,

Even though the novel sucked, you're getting to be almost as obnoxious as Jar Jar, so SHUT UP.

George Lucas

Dear Master Lucas,

If Cinderella could be changed from a semi-brunette into a blonde in the endless Disney film remasters, could we lose my Cinnabon hair in the Star Wars films? Oh, and Padme's hair, too?

Princess Leia

Dear Princess Leia,

That hair of yours is what made you an icon. If you had plain hair, folks would only remember you as "the girl". Am I right, or am I right? By the way, Padme's hair looked nice. You mean her handmaidens' hair.

George Lucas

Dear Master Lucas,

Could you please resurrect me for Episode VII? By the way, why'd you sell out to Disney?

Boba Fett

Dear Boba Fett,

Um, you're being eternally digested by a sarlacc right now, so that would be a pretty tall order. For your information, I did not "sell out" to Disney. I got paid more than you ever did as a failed bounty hunter.

George Lucas

Dear Master Lucas,

Why isn't there more Toydarian representation in the films-a, eh?

Watto

Dear Watto,

You were a big-a mistake-a, just like a character that meesa not mention. Capisce?

George Lucas