A Young Warrior's Guide to the Galaxy
Written By: Rave Rose of Twilight
Warning: I don't own Futurama, Naruto, or Tripping the Rift.
Chapter One: Introductions Are In Order: Vergon 6 or Bust!
"I was born on November 1, 2987. My mother died in childbirth and my father abandoned me in his depression. I grew up on the streets of New New York doing my damnedest to survive for another day. I stole food, clothes, and money just to get by. What I didn't learn on the streets, I learned from the library. The librarian was a nice old lady who taught me how to read, write, and do math. As I got older, the librarian had discovered that I was absorbing the information faster than most people. So she enrolled me in a public school.
By the time I was 17, I had graduated High School before being drafted into the Army. Sadly, I was placed under the command of the biggest idiot in the galaxy: Zapp Brannigan. In spite of the numerous campaigns he put the crew through, I fought my way back and survived every challenge thrown at me. Within a decade, I had been promoted several times until I became a Sergeant Major at the age of 27. The crewmen I fought alongside respected me and my ability to keep my comrades alive.
It was my dream to graduate from Mars University, become an officer, be given command over my own ship and crew, and finally, settle down and retire with a beautiful woman who would gift me with two children: an older son and a young daughter.
That was nine years ago. Currently, I'm 36 years old and have been assigned to assist Fourth Lieutenant Kif Kroker with giving commands to the troops from the King Idiot himself. I also forgot to mention that I loathe that blowhard's choice in uniform.
Velour. It provided little protection from our enemies and made us look like damned fools. Not to mention that the texture agitates my skin to the point that I would happily incinerate it just to be rid of it.
Zapp Brannigan may be a 25 Star General, but nobody on this ship remotely respects him. I can see why. He is little more than a horny, simple-minded child in the body of an overweight adult.
Kif is a good friend, but how he can stand being around Zapp for so long without the urge to murder him in his sleep confuses me beyond reason. Today, we're on a blockade mission to Vergon 6. Don't know why, but those are our orders. I'll update my audiologs at the next opportunity.
Until then, this is Sergenat Major Naruto Uzumaki. Signing off."
With a press of a single button, a young man wearing a red velour outfit with light tanned skin, golden blond hair, and sapphire blue eyes had set his audiolog recorder down beside his pillow. He stood at a towering height of 6 feet tall. He sighed to himself as he rubbed the bridge of his nose as though warding off a migrain or simply doing it out of frustration. He had an incredibly youthful appearance. Most would guess he was in his mid-20s instead of nearing his 40s. He'd been single for the longest time, even though he was in the prime of his life.
Not for a lack of interest, mind you. During many of his trips to foreign planets, he'd met several young women who had displayed a healthy interest in him. Naturally, he'd had his fair share of sexual encounters with these women, but he had told them before hand that it would be a one-time event.
Their next campaign was leading them to Vergon 6, a backwater planet on the verge of collapse after being hollowed out in the search for dark matter, a well-known starship fuel. It was filled with different animals that would go extinct if someone didn't rescue them. Normally, he would have been the first to take a ship out and rescue a couple of the smaller ones, but Zapp had made up a law he called Brannigan's Law that forbade interferance with undeveloped planets.
He heard a doorbell ring. "Come in," he called. The door slid open revealing a beautiful woman with short, purple hair in a pixie cut style. She had a 38 inch bust, 26 inch hips, a 36 inch waist, and stood at a height of 5'8'' tall. She wore a low cut crimson velour top that showed off her impressive breast size and stopped just a little lower than her upper thigh. If she were to bend over, nothing would be hidden from view. Thankfully, she wore a pair of bike shorts underneath so she wasn't just flashing everyone.
Her name was Six of Nine. She was a cyborg designed as a sex slave, but Naruto had found her on a mission several years ago and saved her. He then upgraded her programing with a wide variety of subjects and requested that DOOP Headquarters make her his assistant. They had approved his request and officially enlisted Six of Nine, otherwise known simply as Six, as a Private under Naruto's direct command. When Zapp found out about this, he was a bit miffed. HE wanted the beautiful woman under his direct command!
"You called for me, sir," Six said, saluting her superior officer.
Naruto chuckled to himself before giving a mock salute in return. "At ease, Six. As long as it's just the two of us around, you don't need to be so formal."
Six's body relaxed as she sauntered over to Naruto as the door closed behind her with a hiss. She wrapped her arms around Naruto's neck and pressed herself into his body. "What's wrong, Naruto," she asked sensually as she gently placed a kiss on his neck. "Tired from working so hard? I know a good way to get you to relax."
Naruto groaned. "I'm just tired of working for an idiot like Zapp Brannigan," he told her. "Once I graduate from Mars University, I can take the Officer's Test and get a ship and crew of my own."
"I know, sweetheart," Six said as she continued to place gentle kisses on him. "But it won't be too much longer. Just relax and try to put up with him for a little bit longer. I want to become an officer too, but that can't happen for another couple of months."
"Not to mention the upgrades we'll need to install in your programming to get you eligible for an officer position and to make sure you can get enrolled in Mars University too," Naruto groaned. Who knew taking care of a cyborg would break his bank?! Sure! DOOP compensated him for some of the upgrades, but other upgrades weren't covered and those just so happened to be the most expensive ones!
Six looked a little bit saddened. She knew she was causing Naruto a lot of stress and she constantly thanked him for what he did and was doing for her. As much as he didn't acknowledge the fact, she belonged to him. He was her Master. Her closest friend. He gave her all the attention she could ever desire and rarely ever asked for anything in return.
"I'm sorry," she said softly as her head rest in the crook of his neck. "I'm just causing you so much trouble, aren't I?"
Naruto cupped her chin in his hand and smiled. "Stop being so stupid," he said, getting her to smile a bit more. "Without you here, I'd likely be stuck on this ship permenantly or dead on one of Brannigan's suicidal campaigns. Well, either that or in jail because I murdered our 'great' 25 Star General in his sleep."
Six giggled and wiped a tear from her eye. "The woman you'll marry will be incredibly lucky to have you," she told him before leading him to his bed. "But until then, I suppose it's up to me to keep you satisfied."
With those words said, the two had stripped themselves free of their clothes and spent the remainder of their time in the throes of passion.
The next day, the door swung open. "Sergeant Major Uzumaki," a voice echoed, causing the two occupants to groan before Naruto's head popped out from under the covers and glaring at the door. Standing there in the entry way was Zapp Brannigan and Kif Kroker. Naruto groaned again.
He gave a salute to his commanding officer. 'For now.' "How can I help you, Captain?"
"We've arrived at Vergon 6," Brannigan informed him. "Inform the men to take up their stations and be on the look out for any suspicious ships. I'll be in my quarters for a bit longer."
As Zapp headed back to the Captain's Quarters, Kif stayed behind. "Is there anything I can help you with, sir?" Kif Kroker was a somewhat friendly alien with green skin and a slightly elongated head. He was an Amphibiosan, a race of amphibian aliens that hailed from the planet Amphibios 9. He is an incredibly nervous and self conscious person that suffers from a lack of confidence. He is incredibly sumbmissive to Zapp Brannigan, even though he makes him do incredibly humiliating tasks. If not for Zapp blaming all of his failures and short comings on Kif or when he takes credit for all of Kif's accomplishments, he would have likely become a General by now.
Naruto smirked. "Would you kindly shove our 'dear' Captain out the airlock for me," Naruto joked, causing Kif to chuckle nervously. "I can't think of anything right off hand, Kif. Why don't you go make some breakfast for the three of us? You, me, and Six? We'll talk about the mission details and go over the parameters for success."
"Of course, sir," Kif replied before saluting and turning to head out of the door. "If it makes you feel any better, sir, I think you'd be a great Captain."
"Thanks, Kif. Keep up the good work," Naruto said as he watched Kif leave the room. As soon as the door shut, Six popped her head out from under the covers with a smile on her face.
"That was amazing, Naruto," she told him with a satisfied smile. "Thanks."
"I should be thanking you, Six," Naruto informed her with a casual smile. "I really needed that with all of the work Brannigan's been piling on me lately."
"It was my pleasure," she admitted. "All you have to do is ask and I'll do anything you want. And I mean anything."
"I might just take you up on that offer, Six," Naruto said, spanking her ass and eliciting a sensual moan, before he removed himself from the cloth entanglement that was their blanket and walking over to his closet for a fresh pair of Lightspeed Briefs and a fresh uniform.
Six had, reluctantly, removed her nude form from the warm confines of the bed where she and Naruto had sex and moved to her own closet. She put on a silky red thong and followed that up with a pair of black shorts. She pulled out her bra and looked over to a fully dressed Naruto. "Can you help put on my bra, Naruto," she asked, to which he nodded. He walked over and clipped the crimson bra on while she searched through the variety of uniforms before pulling out another red velour low cut uniform and slipping it on when Naruto had secured her bra. "Thanks again."
"No problem," he said before planting a kiss on her forehead. "Now come on. We're having breakfast with Lieutenant Kroker to discuss the mission and I've got to get the crew to their stations."
Within a matter of moments, Naruto had rallied the crew to their posts and the trio of Kif, Six, and himself were eating a simple breakfast of eggs, bacon, and pancakes.
"So, as far as we are to understand, we're supposed to keep other ships away from Vergon 6 until it implodes," Naruto asked Kif, who nodded. "What about the wildlife that planet has managed to sustain so far?"
"Unfortunately, the jackass is enforcing Brannigan's Law," Kif said between bites of his pancakes. "Even if someone wanted to, all of those animals are going to go extinct the instant the planet implodes."
"DOOP isn't even going to try and save those defenseless animals," Six asked, earning a shake from Kif's head. "That's not right. All species have a right to exist."
"I agree with you, Private Six," Kif stated. "Unfortunately, Vergon 6 qualifies as an undeveloped world in spite of the fact that DOOP mined it of every metric ton of dark matter from the planet's core."
"Regardless, we can't just go off on a rescue mission to save the animals," Naruto stated as he finshed eating the last bit of food on his plate. "Much as I would like to save a few endangered species, I don't exactly feel like getting arrested and court martialed when I'm so close to a pay raise. Frankly, we should be getting paid more just for serving under..."
"Hello, my faithful crew," Zapp said as he walked on board. "Hello, Private Six. How arousing it is to see you."
The trio saluted their superior officer. "Good morning, sir," Six said in a serious tone.
"The crew is assembled and at their posts, sir," Naruto informed Zapp, who simply waved him off to ogle Six's exposed cleavage, causing Naruto to groan.
"Good work, Sergeant Major," Zapp stated, once he was done ogling Six, and had walked over to the Captain's seat with Kif at his side. "These new uniforms are pretty snappy, eh First Officer," Zapp casually mentioned.
"I suppose, Captain," Kif droned on in a bored tone. "I'm not as big a fan of velour as you are. Now what do you want to do about that unidentified ship?"
"Destroy them," Zapp declared before the feeling of his velour uniform distracted him. "Oooh. That's got a nice feel to it."
"Captain's journal. Stardate 3000.3," Zapp stated.
"Who are you talking to, sir," Kif asked.
"You," Zapp informed him. "Aren't you getting this?" Kif groaned and sat down in front of his dictation station and began to type. "We have detected a vessel attempting to break the security cordon around Vergon 6. I'm anticipating an all-out tactical dog fight followed by a light dinner. Ravioli. Ham. Sunday bar."
"Shall I fire on them now, sir," Kif asked lazily.
"Not yet, Kif," Zapp explained. "In the game of chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces." This earned him a groan from Kif, Naruto, Six, and anyone else listening. "What?"
"Sir," Kif began. "They're headed straight for us."
"A well-calculated move straight out of Sun Tzu's classic text The Art of War or my own masterwork Zapp Brannigan's Big Book of War. But the one thing their Captain doesn't realize, and never will, is that..."
"Sir, they've docked with us and have come aboard," Kif stated.
"Then I've risked all and lost," Zapp said mourningly. "Kif, old man, I'll be in the escape pod. If that wicker chair I like survives the slaughter, have it sent to my P.O. Box."
As he was nearing the door, it shot open, causing the blond egomaniac to hide in a nearby chair.
Two people and a robot walked on board The Nimbus. The robot looked like a standard issue Bending Unit. The two people seemed to stand out the most. One was a cyclopian woman with a dark purple ponytail wearing a white tanktop that showed a good bit of her cleavage, black pants, and black boots. The other was a simple-looking man with red hair, a red jacket over a white shirt, blue jeans, and a common pair of sneakers.
The trio approached Kif, who was flanked by Six and Naruto. "Hello," the cyclopian woman stated. "I'm Leela, Captain of the Planet Express Delivery ship. We've come aboard to plead for your assistance."
"A pleasure to meet you, Captain Leela," Naruto said with a warm smile. "My name is Sergeant Major Naruto Uzumaki and these are my comrades. Private Six and Fourth Lieutenant Kif Kroker. If there's anything..."
He was quickly interupted when Zapp chose to step in front of them. "I'm in charge here," he said hastily. "Zapp Brannigan. Has my fame preceeded me or was I too quick for it?"
"Oh, not at all," Leela stated with joy. "I'm just so...eh...really thrilled to meet you."
"You're an impressive piece of Captain," Zapp flirted. "Beautiful and deadly. A potent combination."
"You don't mean that," Leela said with a blush.
"But I do," Zapp admitted. "I doubt I've seen three or four Captains sexier than you and only one who was deadlier."
As he was about to kiss the back of her hand, the redhead interrupted. "I heard you single handedly defeated a hoard of rampaging somethings in the something something system."
"The Killbots," Zapp stated. "A trifle. It was simply a matter of outsmarting them."
"Wow," the simple man said. "I never would have thought of that."
"You see, Killbots have a preset kill limit," Zapp explained. "Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them until they reached their limit and shut down. Kif. Show them the medal I won." Kif sighed and lazily pointed to the only medal on Zapp's chest.
Later that day, the senior officers and enlistedmen were sitting at the Captain's table with the crew of the Planet Express Delivery ship. They had learned that the redheaded simpleton's name was Phillip J. Fry and that the robot's name was Bender. The rest of the crew sat down at the tables in the mess hall eating their own meals. Kif was standing up, grating cheese over Zapp's ravioli while the others continued to eat.
"A little more," he said, causing Kif to grate more cheese. "More. Keep going."
"Captain Brannigan," Leela stated. "We really need to talk to you about our mission."
"Whatever it is, I'm prepared to put wave after wave of men at your disposal," he said before standing up and holding his champagne glass up. "Right, men?!"
"You suck," called one of the men.
"We're hoping to save the animals of Vergon 6 from extinction and if you could just..."
Zapp spat out his drink violently and recoiled. "Vergon 6!? This light dinner is over."
"Wait," Leela called. "What's wrong?"
"The Democratic Order of Planets prohibits interfering with undeveloped worlds," Zapp told her. "It's a little rule known as Brannigan's Law."
"But people already interfered," Leela explained. "That planet was mined completely hollow."
"Yes. By a Democratic Order of Planets mining crew," he replied.
"This doesn't make any sense," Leela declared.
"I don't pretend to understand Brannigan's Law," he told her. "I meerly enforce it."
"Fine. We'll save the animals without your help," she told him.
"I'm afraid I can't allow that. Guards!" A couple of men appeared and placed their hands on the trio's shoulders.
"What just happened," Fry asked Bender.
"He's throwing us in prison," Bender said in a dull tone.
"Aww," Fry groaned before picking up his plate. "Can I get this wrapped up?" To this, Zapp nodded and Kif rolled his eyes angrily.
Moments later, Leela, Fry, and Bender were sitting in a jail cell when Leela tried to breach the cell door, which appeared open until she got a nasty shock. "I might have liked Zapp Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw me in prison," she stated to her crew.
"You really are too picky," Bender stated.
"Kif, follow me to the observation deck," Zapp ordered. "I've got some musing to do."
As Zapp began climbing the ladder, Kif made the mistake of following directly behind him where he got a nasty view of their Captain going commando. "Ugh. Geez," he said to himself before looking away and continuing up.
"I'm facing a formidible female adversary, Kif," Zapp told his First Officer. "Suggestions?"
"I fail to see any problems, sir," Kif droned. "You already imprisoned her under directive B10.81."
"You mean...Brannigan's Law," Zapp stated proudly.
"Right," Kif said reluctantly. "That law."
"Which one," Zapp prodded.
"Brannigan's Law," Kif replied in defeat.
"Kif," Zapp started. "You're my best and most loyal friend, but you've earned my contempt once again. As my protege, you should know that the only way to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her." Kif groaned while rolling his eyes. "This time we are sure she's a woman, right?"
"Yes," Kif said slightly louder than usual.
"Good. Invite her to my quarters," he ordered the Fourth Lieutenant. "Oh. And have the boy lay out my formal shorts."
"The boy, sir," Kif questioned, but he knew where this was going.
"You. You lay out my formal shorts," he stated before heading down the ladder.
After a few moments, Kif, Naruto, and Six were guiding Leela to Zapp's quarters. "The jackass wants to see you in his quarters."
"Good. This will be my chance to reason with him," she said calmly. "Captain to captain."
"And he wants you to wear this," Kif said before raising a red bra attached to a pair of purple stockings.
"He can't be serious," Naruto groaned. "Kif. Six. I think it's official. I now hate that jackass more than I possibly believed I could." The blond turned to Leela and gave her a pleading look. "Feel free to throw him out the airlock if he bothers you too much. Nobody on the crew will miss him if you do."
Leela ignored him and knocked on the door. "Come and get it," came Zapp's voice from the other end. The instant the door opened and Leela walked in, the door closed, leaving Kif, Naruto, and Six in the hallway.
Naruto looked down at Kif sadly. "Sorry, Kif," he said honestly. "Try and get a good night's sleep."
"I'll try," Kif told them. "You should both try and get some sleep too. Who knows what we'll have to put up with tomorrow from Captain Lard Ass."
Naruto and Six nodded before bidding one another goodnight and heading back to Naruto's personal quarters where they spent the evening cuddled up together.
The following morning, Kif had announced to the crew, as he was ordered, that he had 'made it with a woman' followed by the release of the prisoners. Several hours later and Vergon 6 looked on the verge of impoding with the Planet Express Delivery ship's crew still on it. Suddenly, The Nimbus caught hold of an incoming transmission from Leela.
"Hello. Zapp," she asked.
"Well, well, well."
"Zapp, we're out of fuel and Vergon 6 is about to implode," Leela said in a resigning tone. "We need your help."
"So, crawling back to the Big Z like a bird on its belly," he said mockingly. "Delicious."
"Birds don't crawl," Leela said matter-of-factly.
"They've been known to," Zapp tried to recover.
"Look. Are you going to rescue us or not," she demanded.
"Can't you ask a little more...sexfully," he taunted.
She looked over to Fry and Bender before returning to the screen. "Please...Big Z?"
"Hmhm. Certainly, but first you've got to get rid of that thing," he pointed as a black, three-eyed creature with fangs appeared over Leela's shoulder. "That's the law, Leela. And Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's love. Hard and fast."
"So that's why she was so disappointed," Naruto whispered to Six and Kif, who stifled their chuckles.
"Now put that greasy rat outside and we'll tow you to safety," he added.
"I would never abandon a helpless animal," she told him. "You know, Zapp. Once I thought you were a big, pompous buffoon. Then I realized that inside you were just a pitiful child. But now I realize that outside that pitiful child is a big, pompous buffoon!"
"And which one rocked your world," he asked with a flirtatious grin before she hung up on him.
Within moments, Naruto, Kif, and Six were looking out the window, hoping that Leela and her crew could somehow survive the coming implosion. Suddenly, the familiar green and red color scheme of the Planet Express Delivery ship shot forth from the surface of the planet just as the hollow planet imploded into rock and dust before shooting off back toward Earth.
"Captain's Journal. Stardate...uh..."
"Arg. April 13th," Kif reminded the Captain.
"April 13th.2," Zapp adjusted. "We've failed to uphold Brannigan's Law, however, I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end, is that not what Man has drempt of since first he looked up at the stars?! Kif, I'm asking you a question!"