Sometimes Dan asks himself questions.
Now everyone ask themselves questions. Like, why does the earth spin and circle around the sun? Or why is the sky blue? Or even more profound questions such as what is the meaning of life?
But not Dan…Because Dan's not normal.
What sixteen and a half year old boy sits alone in a dark room and questions his very existence? Apparently Dan's that kind of a teenager.
He doesn't say anything of course. Why worry his already workaholic parents and make their lives more difficult. Besides why would they even care? They have his little brother who needs the attention and it's not like they even notice his existence anymore anyways.
But Dan hates his existence. Which he knows is wrong but he can't help it sometimes with all the thoughts that float around in his head. He wonders if anyone else feels like he does right now somewhere in the world.
But he can't ask anyone can he? Because he might now be the smartest person in the world but he knows exactly what the consequences of asking questions like that resulted in and he really wasn't looking to be locked up or have his head examined anytime soon so he did what most others do everyday. He stayed silent.
He suffered in silence.
Sometimes sadness was what followed the questions.
Not really that surprising when one is questioning one's own existence is it? Just another question in the pile of questions.
Sometimes Dan gets sick of the questions though. He get's sick of feeling numb and sad and uselessly wasting away. Sometimes he wants to get up and do something, anything. He wants to know how to feel properly again and to smile and laugh and be a normal teenager who wants to socialise and who wants friends.
But Dan isn't normal. He's sad and lost and is looking for something to make him feel less numb.
He just wants to feel normal again.
Sometimes Sadness can fade.
It wasn't until he decided to open his unused laptop which lay untouched on the desk that he discovered something which he had not done in such a long time and his eyes had widened in surprise.
'I mean what kind of twenty year guy makes a music video about getting abducted by aliens? No really.'He thought, smiling.
Somehow after hours of mindlessly and emotionlessly watching humorous video's which hardly fazed him at all he had come across an ebony haired man with piercing blue eyes and decided to see what he was all about. He had no idea why though. Maybe it was because he seemed attractive or because he had known the song and was interested in the thumbnail. All Dan knew was it was hours later and he had subscribed and wanted more.
Sometimes happiness can be found.
Dan never comments, but he always watches.
He'd been watching Phil or AmazingPhil as he was most commonly known from the thousands of people subscribed to him, for awhile now. He was intrigued by the older man and felt pulled towards him for some reason. He was watching a new video when he started thinking again.
'Okay, so some guy is going to have a big impact. An energetic warrior, he has a very hasty personality who is very quick to love or hate.'
Dan smiled slightly, daydreaming of what it would be like to be the guy who would make a big impact on his life. But then the smile disappeared.
How could he impact his life if he didn't know he existed?
Sometimes happiness is noticed by others
Dan finally comments but doesn't expect a reply
It wasn't anything meaningful or noticeable when he does finally tweet Phil. It was mostly what hundreds of girls where tweeting to him and he just expects his tweet to get lost in the crowd.
He nearly passes out when it doesn't.
Amazingphil: 'Hey thanks for the tweeting me! I'm glad you enjoyed my video! '
The overwhelming and unknown feeling almost drives him to tears because the one person who has made him the closest to happy he has been since he was a child had noticed him. He had even bothered to message him back and that literally made Dan's heart pause for a second.
He snapped out of his daze and, with a smile set on his face, began to reply.
Little did he know it would be the start of many more to come.
Sometimes you smile can be noticed
'Did you know you have a dimple when you smile?'
Phil was very inquisitive for a grown man. You'd think that wisdom came with age but after spending time with Phil, Dan didn't necessarily believe it.
'No Phil really? And here I though I was seeing things when I looked in a mirror'
Dan was glad Phil understood his sense of humour as he watched the peak of his tongue appear between his teeth and laughed. Dan worries that he'll get annoyed with his constant sarcasm and attitude but when asked the older boy says he finds it hilarious and it makes Dan himself.
Dan wished he knew and began to question who he was…
But then Phil told him his smile was cute and Dan forgot the question
Sometimes sadness is noticed as well.
Dan could nowadays be found waiting excitedly for Phil to call him on Skype because he always does without fail every single day. This makes Dan's smile a little bit wider and his heart beat a little bit faster.
But not tonight
Tonight Dan was over thinking and asking questions again. He wanted so desperately to talk to Phil but didn't want him to notice something was wrong. Phil could always do that though just by looking at him and Dan knew. Every Skype call starts with the elder questioning how he's feeling and ends with him hoping he's okay despite the lies that he always tells that he 'is fine' and that Phil 'doesn't need to worry so much'.
But not this time
When the familiar ringing of the Skype call being initiated by Phil dances round the room Dan weakly makes his way over to his laptop and presses answer.
'Hey Dan! Are you okay?'
There was silence for a few seconds before Dan whispers-
And he cries for the first time in years.
Sometimes somebody can help you.
Meeting someone in person for the first time was more nerve racking than Dan had first anticipated.
The train bounced up and down and swayed from side as he blasted a random song from a playlist he didn't really care for at the moment
The questions were back…But not unexpected
'Think happy thoughts' Phil's voice swirled through his head as the negativity began to engulf him.
'Remember you're okay' Dan can feel himself slipping, falling into his familiar abyss.
'Think of me' In his darkness bright blue eyes fill up the whole place, long dark locks of ebony hair are soft and comfortable on Dan's aching skin and a velvet voice soothes his ringing eyes with soft words and eyes with happy images.
And when the train finally pulls up in Manchester and the man whose protected him from his own darkness is standing there with a grin on his face and open arms, well-
Dan practically throws himself into his warmth.
'You're okay Dan'
Sometimes you can feel happy and normal
One weekend can fly by so quickly and Dan knows he has to make the most of it
He has this strange sensation whenever he is with Phil and it's new and he's not sure if he likes it but he knows it's better than the constant sadness he's grown so used to so he embraces it and relishes in the soft touches and warm smiles that probably linger longer than they should but who cares?
That's the first positive question Dan's ever asked himself.
Dan never believed in love and romance and all the other cheesy things everyone always talked about when he was growing up. But discovering Phil and talking to him and just spending this time with him-
'Are you okay Dan?' Phil asked, sitting down as Dan cuddles into his side
Dan smiles simply locking brown eyes with blue
'Better now you're here'
He can feel the heat in his cheeks whilst his smile grows and can see the colour making it's way onto Phil's but he doesn't care because it feels good and normal and he likes it
And when the elder boy leans down and kisses him
He feels genuine happiness for the first time in forever
Sometimes is worse than always but better than never
Dan knows he'll never be truly happy. He has too questions which go unanswered all the time and can never decide what to do, say or how he feels but he knows one thing right here in this moment as he steadily makes his way towards the alter.
He loves Philip Michael Lester and he makes him happy
And even though they won't always be joined at the hip and Phil can't stop the questions Dan never asks
He knows that sometimes is much better than never
And with Phil he will stay forever
AN: Hey hope you enjoyed this random little story I decided to write at 5 in the morning! Reviews make the world go round! Thank you for reading!