Author's Note: I don't own IY or any of the characters or the story line, nor do I mean to make such a claim by using the concepts in this fic. Rumiko Takahashi owns it and some other companies also have the copyrights, so please don't sue me.
This is my first fanfic that I'm putting online. I'd write and then I'd look at the piece of work and think that it was not worth anything. Oh well, encouragement and putting the stories on this site will help me continue to write. Please tell me what you think through reviews, e-mails, etc- although I would appreciate it if no one would flame me to a crisp. If you have criticisms, please make them logical and rational if at all possible.
The way this fic starts out is very sad, but I have good reasons for that. We would not understand the concept of light without darkness, nor would we understand the value and potential power of love without acknowledging the inherent imperfections. That which we desired, worked for and received is far more valuable to us than something that came to us perfectly. Life doesn't really work that way and love doesn't seem to work that way in IY either- imho(in my humble opinion).
The first couple chapters reflect the darkness of doubt in the mind that can torture us and twist our emotions in knots. You rememeber episode 33 when Kikyo steals the large Shikon no Kakera from around Kagome's neck? Naraku had a trap in which people were ensnared by the doubts and fears in their own minds. I find that we do not need outside influences to bring ourselves to that point- we can ensnare ourselves, especially when the feelings run deep. At one point or another, we all must check our priorities and look into our motivations, especially when we have conflicting desires and mixed feelings.
Maybe writing a somewhat serious romance is ridiculous. Maybe all I'm supposed to share are stories that just don't seem so sad and complicated. Maybe someone should march me off to the looney bin right now. The men in white coats are my friends? Just kidding, everyone. Enough babbling- on to the story if you haven't assumed I'm insane already… thanks for reading!
Impurity of selfishness
"Love becomes more selfish the deeper it gets…"- what I remember of the translation of part of Moon Revenge, the song from the Sailor Moon R movie.
Pt. 1: Prelude to doubt's ensnare
In the distance, a multitude of cherry blossoms float gently to the pavement in the warm spring breeze. The sun shines in the mid-morning sky; not a cloud dares to float in the azure expanse of sky above us. Breathing in the sweetness of the morning, I sigh in peaceful contentment. A sudden thought flies into my head: we actually made it to this point. In spite of the doubts I once had about this relationship, this day has come. I glance at him as he confidently takes his place by my side and takes my hand in his own.
Today is our wedding day, the day I make my once crazy dream a reality. In this beautiful moment, it doesn't matter that life didn't turn out exactly how I thought it would. After all, no one ever promised us that life would be easy. Everyone has to work and fight for what they want, as Inuyasha and I learned when we fought for our relationship. After many years of uncertainty and questioning, our perseverance has finally paid off; I am about to be married to the person I love more than I could have ever dreamed possible.
I know that my friends and family were honestly surprised at this turn of events. More than that, they thought that this day could never come. But after seeing us together, some of them have told me how our story touches them. I am glad that others can find inspiration in how we made it through those difficult times, but the stories can't fully express the pain and doubt we felt. Living through all of that wasn't easy, but it was worth it. We were not sure that we could stay together in this time and even now, there is the slight chance that he would be pulled back into the past. The pain from the mistrust I felt concerning Inuyasha and Kikyo was much more painful than the fear of losing him when we finally chose a future together... but at least we have this moment.
All doubts aside, all of these precious people stand beside us in our decision and wish us all the luck and happiness in the world. I believe that everything will work out and we will find a way to live happily ever after. What else can we expect after everything else that has happened? Surely the hard times have passed. The old times have passed away and we will begin our new life from this beautiful moment on.
Suddenly a beautiful purple light shines from the space in front of my eyes. The Shikon no Tama, in its entirety, appears before us. Everyone focuses on the jewel with child-like wonder at its eerie beauty. Some of the wedding guests have seen the Shikon no Tama before, or at least some of its fragments. Others in attendance have not seen either. I turn to my love, the silver-haired hanyou who is standing by my right side. As our eyes link, the Shikon no Tama glows brilliantly and as a result we have no choice but to put up a hand to shield our vision from the brightness.
As I open my eyes to look through the intense light, I can see everything fading. My friends and family begin to disappear before my eyes. In panic, I reach out to my love, but all I can see is his eyes, that now look on me with scorn, pain and hatred. In that moment, everything about him faded except the prayer beads and his mocking, pouting grin, rather like an obnoxious, arrogant Cheshire cat. Shocked to the core, I call out in frustration and reach out one hand to him and the other to the glowing Shikon no Tama. I try to speak, but no words can express my true fears. A moment later, the cold light fades and I am left alone in the bleak blankness of space as cold as I imagine the inside of Miroku's kazanna to be.
There is no light, but somehow I can see. The Shikon no Tama lies in my hand and shines blood red in the thick blackness that couldn't be cut with a knife. Livid and scared by the circumstances, I try to throw the jewel away, but it comes right back to whack me in the face. As a bruise appears on my forehead, a necklace of blood red prayer beads and fangs appears on the glowing jewel. The piece of grotesque and eerie jewelry fastens itself around my neck and clicks into place with frightening finality. I put my hands up to take it off, but energy from the Shikon no Tama shocks me.
Not being able to remove the vile object, I sit and allow my will to live to give in to the emptiness of survival. With ironic clarity of mind, I examine myself. I also search the nothingness for something, for anything at all, but I feel only cold emptiness.
With unrelenting precision, a cruel thought enters my mind- my heart is no longer pure, like what happened to Kikyo. Unlike her, I am not dead; death would be a blessing. I have to live knowing that my selfishness has destroyed everyone I hold dear. This is the perversion of dreams and hope. I should have given up long ago on selfish desires and love and truly forced my heart away from him. If I had, at least everyone would be alive… and I would not be alone in a place beyond time, where I cannot measure the difference between years, decades, millennia or eternity.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions they say- I thought I had good intentions, but obviously I am a fraud. The darkness mockingly murmurs, "Welcome to hell; welcome to eternity; welcome to pain worse than death." No one was there to hear my incessant screaming or my heart-wrenching sobs… I was left alone.