Ann/April Body Swap

Ann woke up one particularly horrible Monday morning with a splitting migraine and a thick, muscular arm slung across her stomach. She'd been at the Snakehole the night before for Leslie's birthday, so the fact that she'd taken home some male company wasn't that surprising, while it was disheartening. At least he didn't get up and leave while she was sleeping. That always felt like a sharp kick in the ego-testicles.

What was a little more surprising was that, upon looking around, she realized that she wasn't actually at home, which was weird because even drunk Ann was terrified of getting lured into some person's house and being murdered. Upon further, more panicked, investigation, Ann also realized that the arm around her was attached to the one and only Andy Dwyer. Several thoughts went through her head at this discovery, none of which were lacking expletives, and all of which were incoherent with the screaming, freak-out fireworks going off in her head.

"Andy? What the hell?" she said, hoarse from sleep, and her voice sounded wrong. It was lower and darker, like she'd been eating cat food and the souls of children the night before. Andy stirred and opened his adoring puppy eyes.

"Morning, Babe, what's up?" he woofed cheerily. Ann struggled frantically to get away from him and consequently fell out of the bed onto the floor. The dignified, certified nurse stood back up and glared at him.

"Babe? Andy, where's April?" she demanded. Andy's face got all scrunched up and his mouth made a little o like it does when he feels like he's missing something.

"What do mean, April, you're right there- Oh my god! Are we playing that amnesia game again? I'm so excited, ok one second-" Andy closed his eyes, to get into character for one of his and April's weird roleplaying games presumably. "Miss. Snakehole, I'm Officer Burt Macklin, we found you unconscious under a bridge three days ago. Do you remember the face of your attacker?"

Ann stared at him with her mouth hanging open for what must have been a long time, but she couldn't help it. Dealing with the situation at hand was like giving her brain a pair of chopsticks and ordering it to build a space shuttle. She was completely unequipped. So Ann did what April would say Ann does best, she ignored the problem and walked away. Scratch that, April would probably say Ann does strangers best, but that's just April being April.

Eventually Ann ended up looking into a mirror, and she regretted it almost immediately. Instead of her own face looking back at her, which is what a person usually expects when looking into a mirror, April's dark, angry face was there, with horrified shock all over it. Ann though that maybe that was sort of a pleasant change from April's usual soul-devouring look of self-contentedness, but the thought didn't have much time to fester in her, because she was too busy screaming and clawing at her—April's—face to focus on something trivial like that.

Eventually Ann managed to take a deep breath, and she decided she'd better get dressed, so she told Andy he should go somewhere because she needed some privacy. He nodded and heartily went off to practice with Mouserat or something. Ann fleetingly missed how trusting Andy always was; this thought was extremely unnerving.

April owned a lot of black, and a lot of tights, and oh god is that a vibrator? Ann shuddered and pulled a pair of jeans and a brightly colored blouse from the back of one of the drawers. After she changed out of her—April's—pajamas and dressed herself with her eyes closed, the woman looked into the mirror and smiled.

"Oh, April, you almost look like a respectable young woman in these-" the smile faded. "Oh my god. Are these my clothes? What the hell?"

When she got a hold of herself enough to drive, Ann sped all the way to city hall, and then when she got there she ran all way to the parks department, which was hard because April's legs were skinnier and shorter than hers. She fell twice, but no one saw the second time.

Eventually Ann made it to the comfortingly familiar parks office, and she wondered what she was thinking she'd do there that'd be of any help. It was a little cool, in a sick oh-god-I'm-in-April-Lugate's-body kind of way, how people cowered away from her when she entered the room, especially Jerry. Fucking Jerry. Honestly this was probably his fault.

"Oh hello everybody, it's just me, slutty Ann. Hey Jerry, wanna make out in a supply closet?"

Ann froze at the sound of her own voice booming through the office. She whipped around and stared in horror at her own body acting suspiciously like April was inside of it. Ann's body noticed Ann, who looked like April, a few seconds later. Ann's body glared at her, and Ann thought that that must be some kind of betrayal.

"Oh hey there April, I was just looking for every man you've ever loved so that I can make out with them. Or maybe we should just make out and get it over with. I've got this weird crush on you, and that's why I won't leave you alone and why I have a weird obsession with being your friend-" Ann, in April's body, ran at Ann's body, presumably with April in it, and dragged her out of the room and into Ann's office.

"April?" April's body asked, demanded, and Ann's body choked down a smug smirk.

"Yeah. Ann?"

"Yeah. What the hell did you do to us?" At this accusation, April actually broke her stolid, unimpressed act to look indignant.

"Oh my god, Ann. You think I switched our bodies? Why the fuck would I want to be trapped in your old hag body? I took off your bra this morning and I stubbed my toe on your boobs. How do I know you didn't use your sad, lonely witch sorcery to switch us?"

"Because you're the witch, April!" Ann shrieked in April's voice. She quickly reverted to her closed-eyed, deep-breathing self. "Ok, April, this is super weird, and we're in this together so we're just going to have to cooperate-"

"Ugh, can't we be mad for a little longer? You're so annoying when you're being sensible, also why did you dress me in that? I'm hideous."

Ann crossed April's arms over April's chest and scoffed.

"Are you kidding me, April? Aren't you even a little worried about what's happening to us?"

April just shrugged Ann's shoulders.

"I'm pretty sure this is just a dream, or something, so I don't really care. I was just going to mess with you until I wake up and get to mess with you in real life," the girl explained and pushed her way out of the office, leaving a gaping Ann to watch herself walk away to go sabotage her entire life.

Later on, when Ann had been sitting at April's desk for a few hours, being too helpful and kind, and getting wayward, questioning glares from Ron every time she sweetly pointed an enraged citizen towards his office, April pranced into the room. She'd tied the shirt she was wearing earlier so that it revealed Ann's pleasantly toned stomach, and she'd painted a thick layer of hooker makeup onto Ann's face.

"Any of you want to get your hands on this sexy slab of hag-meat? I've got a lap-dance special, two for the price of one-"

Ann stood up then, before Tom could jump on that killer deal, and started shouting. The suppressed rage in her abdomen coupled with the immunity that goes with being trapped in someone else's body gave her the strength she needed to fight back.

"No, look at me everyone, I'm April. I'm a cynical, bratty, little sociopath who holds petty grudges for fun. I enjoy long walks on the beach, pretending to be deep, having conversations with schizophrenic people, and wrecking your life," Ann bellowed, and her body grinned at her as if to say "well look who just decided to make this even better."

April sauntered a few steps closer to herself and put her hands on Ann's hips before suggestively gyrating them.

"Yeah? Well I wouldn't feel too bad, April. You have to deal with my stupid ugly face all day every day, also Jerry sucks-"

"Hey," Jerry grunted from his desk. Ann, in April's body, looked over her own body's shoulder with a frown on her face.

"Sorry Jerry."

"Thank you, April, that's very kind of you-"

"Oh my god Jerry, shut up, we're in the middle of something," actual April snarled, and Jerry shut up. "As I was saying, April, maybe you wouldn't be so cynical if I wasn't so terrible all the time."

Ann's chest and throat burned with acidy anger, and April's fingernails dug into her palms so hard it hurt.

"You're not terrible, Ann, you're actually really nice to me despite my determination to be a total bitch to you because I'm jealous that my boyfriend thinks you're sexier than me-" Ann stopped when her body froze and went pale. April narrowed Ann's eyes and flounced out of the room.

Ann, as April, was left with the entirety of the parks department staring at her with their mouths hanging open. She laughed awkwardly and waved April's hands in the air.

"We're, um, working on a comedy sketch for the talent show. It's a work in progress," the woman explained, and cringed because what the hell kind of an explanation was that? What talent show? She decided not to think about it and went after April instead.

She found April crying in her office with the blinds drawn, and honestly it felt really weird watching herself cry from that angle.

Instantly she regretted her words, they probably weren't even true, but she knew April was especially vulnerable when it came to Andy's crush on Ann,—wow that's a lot of A names it's hard to keep them straight—and it seemed really cruel in hindsight to use that against the girl who was almost ten years younger than her. Because she was a hyper-decent person, Ann ignored the fact that April dug her needley, little fingers into every insecurity she'd ever had at every turn.

"Oh god, April, I'm sorry. That was horrible of me. It's not true. Andy is crazy about you-"

"I don't care about stupid Andy, Ann," April mumbled. She'd stopped crying at least, and she crossed Ann's arms over her chest with an indignant pout on Ann's face. Ann looked confused.

"You don't? You guys seem so happy together."

"He's happy. I'm bored. You know why I didn't freak out this morning when I woke up as you?"

Ann went to sit across from April, April's heart pounding in her chest. She felt like the girl was about to make herself emotionally available, and Ann did not want to blow this.

"Why?" she said in what she hoped was an encouraging tone. April took a deep breath and stared at Ann's feet.

"Because it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Ever since I met you I wanted to be you, or at least get you to like me, but you wouldn't pay attention to me unless I was super mean to you. So even though it was really lame, I dated your stupid ex-boyfriend, and I made fun of you all the time because otherwise I was just Leslie's temp. I knew we couldn't be friends, but if I was mean, at least you'd notice me."

Ann felt April's cold, shriveled heart break a little in her chest and April's face, being controlled by Ann's brain, got soft with sudden kinship.

"April, I said I wanted to be friends with you. You could've just dropped the act then-"

"Would you really believe me if I did, Ann? You'd think I was trying to trick you, and once you figured out I wasn't tricking you, you'd just get bored and ignore me again. The only reason you wanted to be my friend was because I pretended not to like you and it was like a competition for you, but whatever you won now so congratulations."

Ann got out of her chair to pull April to her feet and hug her.

"April, you're awesome, ok? I've always thought that, and I was probably ignoring you because I was scared of you-" Ann spluttered to a stop when her own body bent down to kiss her flush on the lips. She would probably tell people later that she resisted a little more and a little faster than she actually did.

"Oh my god this is so weird," she mumbled against her own face, and her lips laughed.

"I kinda dig it," April growled and kissed herself harder. Suddenly the door was opening and Leslie was standing in the doorway with a shocked, if not self-satisfied, look on her face.

"It's a birthday miracle!" the woman cheered after a few seconds of soaking in what was happening. April and Ann separated and narrowed their eyes at her.

"What?" Ann, as April, breathed. Leslie smiled wider.

"A birthday miracle! For my birthday I wished that you guys would be able to understand each other more and get along better, looks like it worked!"

In that second, April and Ann were suddenly in their correct bodies and that was a huge relief because with all that inception shit going on, there was a dangerously high risk of head explosions.

"Yay," Ann said half-heartedly, waving one of her hands a little bit, and April agreed with a matching hand-wave. Leslie clapped and as she walked away they heard her talking to herself.

"I can't believe that worked, next year I'll have to wish for Ron and Tom."