Dan Howell had to be the most oblivious, sarcastic and least serious person Phil had ever met.
But he'd have been lying if he didn't say they were some of the qualities that he loved most about the younger man.
Phil Lester was the one person who Dan had found that he could always be himself around no matter what.
He'd be lying if he said Phil hadn't saved his life and he never wanted him to leave it as long as he lived.
Dan and Phil had been living together for three years now and been best friends for about five. However somewhere along the lines of this amazing friendship they shared Phil had begun to develop feelings for him which only grew over time. They went unnoticed by both for a while and only when Phil discovered how he truly felt for him was when Dan found out as well.
This realisation is what led to the start one of the most intriguing journeys of self discovery that Dan would ever take part in, in his whole life.
What is love?
"BABY DON'T HURT ME! DON'T HURT ME! NO MORE!"
Dan sang from the top of his lungs, sat in his favourite internet browsing position with his earphones connected to his Laptop.
'Just another typical Tuesday' Phil thought, smiling to himself and he made himself busy in the kitchen. He flicked the switch on the kettle then opened the cupboard door pulling out two cups out before even asking Dan the usual question.
"Hey Dan, I'm making tea do you want some?" Phil called over to Dan who had momentarily removed his headphones when he noticed the ebony haired boy's presence.
"Yeah, thanks Phil" Dan replied sending one of his infamous dimpled grins towards the elder making him glance away swiftly to hide his oncoming blush.
'Damn it' Phil mentally scolded himself 'Control yourself Phil. You're twenty seven not fourteen'
Phil turned his head back to see if Dan was still watching him but he had plugged himself back into his headphones so Phil shook his head dismissing his thoughts and continued making the tea.
"IF YOU LOVE ME LET ME GOOOO!" Phil laughed quietly at Dan's slightly horrific singing and also at the irony of the lyrics but continued his activities regardless.
Two minutes later he was making his way towards the lounge with two steaming mugs armed in each hand. Upon leaving Dan's cup in front of him he was rewarded another smile which he happily returned feeling the butterflies erupt as if on cue.
He walked back towards the kitchen with mug in hand taking deep breaths in order to get his feelings under control.
If Phil was honest about this he was, painfully, aware that he had feelings for Dan. He had never said anything to him (or anyone else for that matter) about it though despite the fact that he did technically have a chance, what with them being (among friends) openly Bisexual. Admitting his feelings wasn't what Phil really feared. Or even rejection.
It was more the transition of going from friends to lovers
He had in the past entertained the possibility of Dan possibly reciprocating his feelings and each time he did he only saw it either being horrifically awkward for them both or ending dramatically and neither of them speaking to each other again. That was the thing that Phil really couldn't stand happening. He had been in the YouTube community for a good while now and had seen his fair share of couples getting together and breaking up for all sorts of reasons. Even those who had the most of unbreakable bonds had become distant with each other and thinking of that happening between him and Dan…
He pushed those thoughts away and realised Dan had called out to him in concern as, according to him, he had been stood frozen in position for a few minutes. He blinked harshly as Dan who hastily
"Oh err, yeah Dan? What's up?" He asked forcing a smile. Dan frowned at him before asking
"Are you okay dude? You sort of…I don't know blanked out or something for minute there" He smirked "That's usually my thing isn't it?"
Phil chuckled slightly at that.
"Yeah it isn't it?" He winked at Dan.
Surprisingly stuff like that wasn't unusual. It killed Phil slightly on the inside but they'd always had that sort of a relationship were flirting was just part of their personalities. If he suddenly got uncomfortable or something about it then Dan would surely suspect something so he kept it up
Not that he didn't enjoy it
His response earned him a chuckle from Dan and he relished in his laugh feeling all warm inside again. He smiled back at Dan and began walking away. Dan unfortunately decided he was in an inquisitive mood and followed him back into the kitchen.
"Daydreaming of anything interesting then?"
"Oh come on Phil! You were standing there with a goofy smile on your fa-"
Dan stopped suddenly. Phil turned towards him and saw he had a sinister grin on his face.
"Or maybe you were daydreaming about someone?"
The blush slowly creeped it's way onto Phil's pale face and he turned violently away which told Dan all he needed to know despite Phil spluttering out for him not to be ridiculous. Phil rapidly moved away to lean on the counter with his back to Dan hoping he would drop it. But this was Dan. He never let anything go.
"So who is she…Or he? Come one spill!" Dan persisted, poking him in the side in order to get a reaction from the older and more reluctant man who began giving him a sideways glare.
"Give it up Dan" Phil replied attempting to move past Dan who just continued smirking and sidestepped each time Phil tried to get past him, blocking any escapes he tried to make.
"So you're not denying there is someone then?"
"Seriously Dan, move"
"Not till you tell me"
"Dan I'm not in the mood"
"Well you must be if you're thinking about someone special" Dan replied winking and wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. Phil however did not appreciate the joke.
Phil, quite harshly, pushed past Dan moving back towards to get away from him and his pestering. Dan's face fell in confusion for a few seconds before he was back on Phil's heels.
Phil sighed and practically threw himself onto the sofa wishing for Dan to just drop it and talk about something else or, at the very least, leave him alone. He stiffened when a pair of arms circled around his shoulders and hands clasped against his chest.
"Oh come on Phil, surely it can't be that bad"
Dan couldn't comprehend why Phil was just not telling him. They were best friends right? If it was someone he knew he was hardly going to judge him for it. Unless it was Louise…She's married and Phil's not the type to fall in love with married women…Well he hoped not anyways.
"Dan…" Phil whined turning his head backwards and giving Dan an 'I don't want to say so please stop asking and go away look'
"Seriously Phil. Come on…Do I know them?"
Phil turned away but begrudgingly nodded.
'Ha!' Dan thought grinning 'One point to Dan'. He contemplated his next question before asking
"Is it a girl?"
"So it's a guy then?" The movement was subtle but Phil had nodded however Dan had begun to get impatient.
'Time to play dirty' He thought
Phil was getting sick of his pestering so he just answered his questions to get him to shut up. It's not like hinting at who it is told him who it was. Dan then removed one arm from around Phil and used it to start caressing Phil's hair, sending a shiver down his spine which he barely managed to suppress as Dan spoke dangerously close to his ear
"Please tell me Phil"
The sincerity and seducing softness of his voice mixed with their close proximity really was not helping Phil's now raging hormones and feelings towards the younger male who had now opted for resting his chin onto Phil's shoulder.
'Maybe I should just tell him' Phil thought 'He's not letting it go anytime soon…
Dan eventually just sighed. "Stop worrying you idiot. Honestly, just tell me" Dan smiled kindly towards him, eyes shining with care.
Phil swallowed hard. Well it was now or never.
"Okay well erm…I-It's…He's…I'm…Er-
""I'm trying here Dan!"
"Sorry! Sorry…Carry on"
Phil paused once again finding that the words kept getting stuck in his throat. His heart was beating erratically and his breathing had become unsteady and all the while Dan just stood rapped around him and smiling into his shoulder, waiting expectantly. Phil had never felt more sick to the stomach in his life but if he didn't do this now then he had a feeling he might never have a chance to admit his feelings again. Phil sighed standing up and out of Dan's embrace and with only the sofa between them he looked him straight in the eyes and stated
"It's kind of you…I love you, Dan...Like in the whole 'I'm in love with you' sense"
Time stood still.
Dan smile disappeared and he was silent for a few seconds before looking down and simply saying
Phil remained still, unsure of how to respond to Dan's seemingly dismissive reaction. Confusion was evident on his face as he stared the younger man down. Dan awkwardly began pulling at the hem of his shirt, eyes glued to the floor.
"I-" Phil took a deep breath to calm down and tried again.
"I erm, I just confessed to you…" Dan nodded eyes still downcast.
"And…All you can say to me is...'Okay then?'" Phil asked incredulously.
"Did you...Want me to say it back, Phil?" Dan inquired quickly glancing up from the floor at him for a few seconds before fixing them back on the ground and shuffling in the same spot, still unable making eye contact with the very confused ebony haired man as he ran a hand frantically through his silky locks. Dan was becoming increasingly uncomfortable as the seconds ticked by all the while with Phil looking expectantly at him.
"I don't...I mean I-I expect some sort of response other than 'okay then'...I Just told you that I LOVED you Dan and well…You've kind of left me hanging here" Phil replied almost jokingly with a half smile towards the end. He moved slightly towards him but stopped when Dan turned his back to him completely.
'I'm sorry Phil, look I-...I don't really know what to say but...I can't say it back" He clenched his fists by his side and walked away from Phil in the direction of his room unable to face the crushed expression he knows he'll see. It's not that he didn't want to say it back exactly, it was just he wasn't sure how he felt about his best friend…After all these years of 'just being friends' how could he just be expected to respond like that?
It's not like he hadn't thought about things like that with Phil. I mean have you seen the amount of people who want them together? Sometimes he thinks even his own friends ship them sometimes…But…
"Dan! I'm not asking for a love confession or anything" Phil called out frantically, becoming more upset as this whole scenario unfolded and he began panicking. "I just want to know where I stand...You were the one who kept asking me! How do YOU feel?! That's all I want to know…Dan?" His voice broke slightly the end.
Dan stopped outside his door, an aching sensation forming in his chest, and whispered back a response just loud enough for Phil to hear.
"I don't know"
'I don't even know what love is' He thoughtand with that he locked himself in his room as Phil slid to the floor and allowed his drained emotions to consume him whilst he cried.
AN: So after much consultation (acciophandom) and much supportive reviews and chats (Its-real-to-us) I have decided to write this hopefully not too terrible Phan story with an explosion of feelings. I promise in future chapters plenty of angst, romance, heartache, pain, joy and tears! :D SO R&R AND GET READY FOR AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER (life shameless self promo for other story) OF A RIDE