Disclaimer: It's not mine… Well, the story is, but the characters aren't…
Summary: Just a short fic that popped into my head while I was watching "Conversations With Dead People tonight...
Spoilers: Set during "Conversations With Dead People".
Author's Notes: This just kinda popped into my head tonight… I don't believe it's actually our Spike who's doing the killing… Plus, I didn't like the lack of Spike in tonight's episode… So I decided to change it…
Distribution: If ya want it, take it, just give me credit… And, if ya could, let me know where it's going.
Feedback: You can send it to email@example.com or firstname.lastname@example.org.
Look Into My Eyes:
To Buffy, it seemed as though they were fighting in slow motion. Her mind was scattered; she didn't know what she was doing. All she knew was that those words, the words he had just spoken… They couldn't be true. Spike couldn't have sired him. No. He hadn't. He couldn't. Because he now he had a soul. Because the chip in his head still worked. She'd seen it that night they had tried to save Cassie… And because he loved her. He loved her too much to do this again. No, it wasn't him… It couldn't have been him… Could it?
And as she fought, the question kept running through her mind… Could it? It just wouldn't go away. Maybe she'd just been too blind to see it through all her attempts to help him. Maybe he'd been faking it all along… The insanity, the pain from the chip… the soul. Had he been faking it? Was he really that good at acting? Was he back to his old ways as The Big Bad? This former classmate she was fighting... How else would he have known who Spike was? He certainly wasn't all too familiar with the vampire world. How else would he have known?
But even as the logical Slayer half of her; even as her mind screamed that the old Spike was back, the Buffy half; her heart screamed that it couldn't be true. He loved her! He'd promised he wouldn't go back to, even without the chip… Well, okay, not in so many words, but how could he go back? He had let Glory torture him for hours to keep her and Dawn safe. And when she had died, he had broken down and sobbed, sobbed… In front of her friends, no less. Then, while she had been gone, he had protected Dawn with his life, lowering himself from his status of big bad vampire to Slayer-whipped babysitter. And, most importantly, after they had brought her back, he had been there. Just been there. Whenever she had needed him, no questions asked… He would listen, make her smile, just sit quietly with her… Always knowing exactly what she needed during each particular visit. It couldn't be him… He loved her.
But could it be?
She was so confused… Too confused. Before she knew what was happening, she was being hurled across the room; her head violently connecting with a stone wall as she fell helplessly to the floor. For a few moment, she thought she would lose consciousness… No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't seem to pull herself up. Her head throbbed. Her legs felt twisted beneath her… And she couldn't move.
In an instant, he was upon her… Ready for his first kill. The Slayer. And she could do nothing to stop it. And, really, did she want to? Or had she once again decided she was ready for death to take her? Even she herself wasn't sure in those moments. All she knew was that she couldn't take it anymore… Couldn't take knowing that there was nothing she could ever really know for sure. That life was fated from the beginning. That it was possible her former lover, the only one who had ever stuck around, was murdering ruthlessly once again…
So she stopped struggling… Unable to make herself care. And the moment she did; just before his fangs broke through her skin, he was thrown off her, seemingly by an invisible force.
Then he appeared out of nowhere… Spike. There, once again, to save her life. To keep her from falling into that rut she had been in the year before. That unbelievable depression that had had her believing she would be better off dead. But he was there… He was always there.
Within seconds, he had forced the stake through the young vampire's heart, and the dust was settling around them. Then, he was by her side; pulling her into his arms… So obviously terrified. Immediately, those eyes were searching her neck for fresh bite marks. He was frantically trying to assure himself that she wasn't harmed… And yet, Buffy knew that her own eyes were reflecting fear… Fear of him.
When he glanced up, into her eyes, he saw that fear. And it didn't take him long to realize that the fear he was seeing didn't have anything to do with the fledgling he had just killed… It was him. She was afraid of him. Why?
He released her when he saw it. Stumbling backwards as he tried to distance himself and just barely keeping his footing. He'd been too close. He had violated her space. He needed to remember that they weren't friends. Not anymore… If they ever had been.
"I… I'm sorry." he stuttered nervously; his eyes darting around in the darkness…Locking on anything and everything that wasn't her. He didn't understand. She'd never been afraid of him before. Anger, hatred… But never fear. Not even once. Tears filled his eyes as he finally raised his gaze to meet with hers. Why was she afraid?
"Spike…" His name was simply a whisper on her lips as she watched him. Her gaze softened as she stared at him; her fear dissolving as she saw the pain and guilt drift over his stunning features. And that, she knew, was why she was afraid. Because she knew she could never stake him. Not now… Not after everything. And she also knew that he was the only one worthy of her… The only one who could ever take her life. He was the only one worthy… "Did you kill him?"
The question was out before she even realized it. And there was no taking it back… But she wanted to so badly when she saw the confusion; the pain that rested in those beautiful blue eyes once the question had finally registered. Why would she ask him that? How could she even think that? There was no way he could ever start killing like that again… Not since he'd fallen in love with her.
"Why…?" he murmured, eyes questioning as he tried his best to force out the rest of the question. But he couldn't… His ability to speak had been lost as he tried to hold back to sobs he felt rising in his chest.
"He… He said…" She paused for a moment as she, too, tried her best to gather her bearings… To keep her own tears from flowing as she tried her best to explain. "He said… that you were the one who… turned him. Did you?"
"No… How could you think that?" Spike was slowly pulling himself together, and coherent speech was once again possible, though the pain in his eyes had in no way disappeared. "The chip… My soul…"
"I just… What am I supposed to think? After everything…"
"Look into my eyes." he ordered, cutting her off mid-sentence as he stepped closer to her; his tears now flowing freely.
"Spike…" she tried to object, shaking her head slightly; a single tear slipping down her cheek.
"Just look into my eyes, Buffy… Look into my eyes, and tell me that I did this… Tell me that I was able to take another life. After everything, look into my eyes and tell me that you really believe I did this… Even after everything."
After a moment, she glanced up at him; locking eyes with him. And in that moment she saw it… Saw him. Spike. William. The man. The monster. All of him… And none of him was that evil. None of him was cruel enough to start killing once more after loving her for so long.
"Look into my eyes…" he whispered, resting his forehead against hers as he reached up and cupped her cheek gently; thumb caressing. "…and tell me that I don't love you."
Then and there, she hated herself for everything she had done to him in the past two years. He loved her. He always had. But she'd pushed him away… All because she had been afraid to let him in. All because she didn't want to lose him. She had hurt him so badly… But no more. She wouldn't make that mistake again.
Slowly, gently, she brought her lips to his. Kissing him sweetly… Pouring all the feelings she had for him into that one, tender kiss. And praying that he could feel it… That he would believe her.
"Look into my eyes…" she whispered, repeating his words as her tears flowed from her eyes. "…and tell me that I don't love you."