The Most Dangerous Mission of All
Written by Col. Karl L Schubaltz

*Col. Schubaltz and Lt. Thomas Schubaltz are called into Rudolph's throne room*

Schubaltz: *bow*

Thomas: *bow*

Rudolph: Colonel, lieutenant, I got an assignment for you. It is very important.

Thomas: ANything, sire.

Schubaltz: Your wish is my command, sire.

Rudolph: I need to attend some business south of here, I need for you two to watch Samara.

Thomas: Babysitting?

Schubaltz: Yes, sire.

Thomas: Babysitting!?

Schubaltz: Belay your shouting, Lieutenant.

Thomas: I am NOT a babysitter!!

Samara: *starts crying*

Marianna: Shhhhh shhhhhhh!!! *cradling the baby*

Schubaltz: *hands Thomas the formula and storms off to find the aspirin*

Thomas: *pitiful whimper*

*first day into the babysitting*

Schubaltz: Child-proofed the weapons closet?

Thomas: Check

Schubaltz: Child-proof the computer lab?

Thomas: Check

Schubaltz: Child-proof my... *AHEM* collection?

Thomas: Check

Schubaltz: Thomas...

Thomas: Yes, Karl?

*suddenly a loud FOOSHING is heard right behind Schubaltz*

Schubaltz: *still standing there calm and collected* You forgot to child-proof the Iron Kong Mk-II.

Thomas: AUGH!!!!!! *rushes to the DiBison*

Samara: *laughing and hitting buttons left and right, clapping at the destruction*

Thomas: Baby!! No!!! *headbutts the Iron Kong*

*he manages to pry Samara away from the Iron Kong's controls*

Thomas: Here, take your binky... *trying to give Samara her pacifir*

Samara: *crying her eyes out*

Thomas: *trying really REALLY hard to calm her down* Beek!!! Help me!!!!

Schubaltz: *hands Thomas the diaper bag*

Thomas: What?? I got diaper duty as well!!??? KARL!!!!

Schubaltz: Lower your voice.

Thomas: I am a mechanical genius, a master of machines!! I am not changing a dirty diaper!!!

Schubaltz: *sticks his pinky in his ear and twists it around in there a few times* Lower your voice. *walks off*

Thomas: *grumbling as he's changing Samara's diper* Jesus!! When they say 6 pounds on the Pampers bag, they're NOT LYING!

*a black cat lands next to Samara*

Thomas: Hello, boy *pets the cat*

Cat: *purr*

Samara: *grabs the cat's tail*

Cat: MEOWWWWW!!!! *bats Samara in the face with his paw and runs off*

Samara: *starts crying*

Thomas: KARL!!!!!!

Schubaltz: *walks in* How hard is it for you to change a diaper, Thomas??

Thomas: If it's simple, why ain't YOU doing it!!!

Schubaltz: I'm fixing dinner, Thomas... I ain't got time for this... *leaves again*


*he suddenly finds a bar of soap in his mouth*

Schubaltz: *groans and changes Samara's diaper with no trouble at all*

Thomas: *spits it out* Show-off.... *grumble*

*second day of babysitting*

Schubaltz: *feeding Samara baby food*

Thomas: *stumbles in, still groggy as all hell, opens the orange juice and drinks from the carton*

Samara: *reaches for the rim of Schubaltz's hat, gooing*

Schubaltz: *takes off his hat and puts it on Samara's head, smiling*

Samara: *grips it with her chubby hands, giggling*

Schubaltz: *feeds Samara another spoonful of strained peas*

Thomas: You got Samara for the day, I'm going to see Miss Fiona... *his shirt is knabbed*

Schubaltz: *hands Thomas a rubber ducky*

Thomas: Karl!!! *growl*

Schubaltz: *hands a baby food caked Samara to Thomas*

Thomas: Grrrrrrr!!!!!

Samara: *reaching for Schubaltz*

Schubaltz: *gets ready for duty*

Samara: *starts crying*

Thomas: Karl!!!!!! I am not bathing this kid!!! I only had 2 hours of sleep!!!

Schubaltz: So? I only have 20 minutes of sleep and I gotta go to work... someone has to pay the bills... *leaves*

Thomas: KARL!!!!! *growls at Samara* How about I take your little butt through the car-wash??

Samara: *reaching for Schubaltz, still crying*

Thomas: *dials Fiona's number*

Fiona: *answers* Hello?

Thomas: Hello, Miss Fiona... I-i got a slight problem

Fiona: Is that a baby crying in the background, Thomas?

Thomas: *his usual nerdy self* Why yes, Miss Fiona, as observant as always.

Fiona: Need help with the baby?

Thomas: That would be such a lovely idea

Fiona: *giggle* Me and Zeke will be there right away.

*third day into babysitting*

Schubaltz: *curled on the floor with Samara, asleep*

Samara: *asleep on Schubaltz's stomach, sucking her thumb*

Thomas: *asleep in the chair, sucking his own thumb*

*the phone rings*

Schubaltz: *wakes up and gently puts Samara in Thomas's lap, then answers* Schubaltz residence. Yes, sire, everything is going A-OK. I see... okay, I'll get her ready to go. She was no problem at all. Oh, anytime, sire... good-bye... *hangs up*

Thomas: *wakes up* Who was that, Karl?

Schubaltz: That was Emperor Rudolph, he's coming home today.

Thomas: Good, he can take his hellspawn kid.

Schubaltz: Belay your name-calling, Lieutenant.

Thomas: *sigh*

Rudolph: *takes a sleeping Samara in his arms* I hope she was no trouble at all

Schubaltz: She was a perfect little angel, sire.

Rudolph: *nods and smiles* Thank-you, Colonel. I know I can count on you. *leaves with Samara*

Thomas: *all teary-eyed and such*

Schubaltz: *BIG yawn* I think I'll take a nap before I go back to active duty. Huh? What's wrong, Thomas?

Thomas: *Mihoshi tears* I miss Samara already

Schubaltz: *pats THomas on the head* Awwwwwww... *smile*