I got to see Guardians of the Galaxy on Labor Day. Easily the best summer movie this year. My little sister and I had a blast at the movie theater. (As a Ninja Turtles fan, I wish that TMNT could've done as well as GotG. Alas...) I just had to write a oneshot on these crazy guys, Drax in particular. I won't be surprised if this kind of fic has been done already, but I'm giving it a shot anyway. Enjoy.
Play On Words
On Peter Quill's spacecraft, the beloved Milano, the famed Guardians of the Galaxy took full advantage of their down time. They had just finished replenishing supplies at Xandar's street market. Now they merely sat back and relaxed as the ship cruised through space, taking them to their next destination in no real hurry.
As usual, Peter's Awesome Mix Vol. 1 provided quality musical accompaniment during their journey.
Rocket Raccoon animatedly singing along to "Cherry Bomb" by The Runaways made for an amusing spectacle. For added comical effect, his normally surly and aggressive voice jumped up an octave to exaggerated feminine proportions as he sang "Hello Daddy, hello Mom, I'm your ch ch ch ch cherry bomb!"
Peter shook his head, but he couldn't stop a crooked grin from appearing on his face. "You do know what that song's about, right?"
"Sure I do. I'm all about that kind of life, you know."
"Being a rebel underage girl?"
"I dunno about underage girl, but rebel definitely resonates with me. Ooh, here comes my favorite part."
Rocket set aside baby Groot with care before standing in his chair and wildly pumping his arms to an imaginary guitar, as he belted out in full gusto the last few "cherry bombs" at the end of the song.
Later, Rocket fell quiet as he swayed and bobbed his head in peaceful content to "Come and Get Your Love," which Peter greatly appreciated. Of all the songs in his mixtape, he'd always play it during his many solo escapades and adventures. Though it was nice to share his music with friends for a change, "Come and Get Your Love" was a song he associated with his years as a lone outlaw. It would take some time before Peter would get used to singing it along with other people.
Baby Groot, still rooted in his little pot and back to being firmly secure in Rocket's paws, swayed to the slow music like grass under the breeze. The innocent, carefree smile on his face was nothing short of heartwarming.
"Has Groot been doing well lately?" Gamora asked.
Rocket shot her a toothy grin. "Yeah, he's doing just fine, thanks for asking. I think Peter's mixtape is the most effective growth stimulant so far."
"You're welcome," Peter said as his chest swelled. He took great pride in having good taste in music.
While Rocket remained relatively quiet, which was rare, Drax the Destroyer couldn't keep still. He had his green and red face buried in a book he held in his hands, the occasional chortle or burst of laughter interfering with Peter's music.
Gamora, Rocket, and Groot turned their heads to peer curiously behind them.
Peter proceeded to ask the question he'd come to sorely regret for the next few minutes, and quite possibly for the rest of his life: "Drax, what the hell are you making all those noises for?"
Drax answered by holding up what he had been poring and laughing over: a book titled "Puns of Steel."
Gamora quirked an eyebrow. "That's what you got at the Xandarian street market?"
"I've resolved to become a more learned man," he declared with determination. "I don't take pleasure in being ignorant and brutish. Now I understand what you meant with that gesture and expression back in prison, Quill. I feel like such an idiot when I once thought you implied I'd actually put my finger on Ronan's throat." Drax laughed to himself, while Peter chose to stay quiet despite his urge to laugh along. (Peter reckoned this was a very wise choice on his part, considering Drax's brawn and tendency to violence.)
Drax turned his eyes back to the book he just bought and leafed through its pages. "These idioms and puns...I find them most intriguing. I'm compelled to share some with you."
Rocket opened his mouth to object, but a pointed look from Gamora told him to just let Drax go on, lest they deflate their big friend's earnest enthusiasm. Or worse, provoke him. So the rest of the group kept quiet, and let Drax pick out several phrases that tickled his funny bone.
"My friend was cold, so I told him to stand in the corner. Would you like to know why?" Drax leaned forward eagerly, the punch line on the tip of his tongue. "Go on, ask me why."
Gamora relented. "Why, Drax?"
"Because corners are ninety degrees."
Peter and Rocket bit their lips to keep from groaning as Drax laughed over the cringe-inducing pun.
He showed no signs of relenting. The rest of his friends bore it with remarkable patience and tolerance. On his sixteenth one, he asked, "Can February March?" Drax paused for dramatic effect. Then he declared with solemnity: "No...but April May."
Rocket very slowly brought a paw to his face and scrunched his eyes shut as Drax gleefully snickered to himself.
"You are so easily amused it's almost unreal," Rocket wryly remarked.
Drax cocked an eyebrow at him. "You, on the other hand, don't seem furry amused. Get it? Because you are covered in fur and 'very' sounds like 'furry'-"
"Yeah yeah, I know!" Rocket said in exasperation.
Gamora and Peter exchanged a look of wary alarm. Drax was starting to make up his own puns. Definitely not a good sign. Drax the Destroyer might just destroy their sanity with God knows how many more puns. Frankly, Peter couldn't take anymore. His threat came from clenched teeth. "Drax, I swear...one more pun out of you and I'm poppin' a cap on your ass."
Rather than getting angry, Drax tilted his head in pensive thought. "Literally speaking, that is quite crude and repulsive. However, now that I know better and understand that you mean the expression metaphorically, I conclude with confidence that such a daring deed cannot be possible. My strength greatly outmatches yours, Peter Quill. The difference in power between us is immense. Almost laughable, even. If we were to engage in battle, I shall be the one to 'pop a cap on your ass,' so to speak." Drax leaned back in his seat. "I find it very interesting that 'popping a cap on the ass' actually means to shut one's mouth. The play on words is mysterious and wonderful."
Rocket, Gamora, and Peter didn't quite share his fascination.
Aware that he had been driving his friends mad for the last few minutes, Drax looked uncharacteristically sheepish. "May I say a last one?"
After a long stretch of time, Peter sighed. "Whatever."
"I wondered why the ball was getting bigger...and it hit me!" So taken by the clever brilliance of this pun that Drax doubled over in racuous, earnest laughter.
"Woooow," Peter drawled.
"It is indeed quite brilliant!"
"Shoulda gotten him a book on sarcasm," Rocket muttered. He slapped a paw to his face for the umpteenth time; only his fur kept him from getting a red spot on his muzzle. "How am I friends with you guys again? Anyone care to enlighten me?"
Baby Groot raised a tiny hand, and not surprisingly at all, simply stated, "I am Groot."
"Thank you, Groot. You're an inspiration, as always."
When Drax left to polish his weapons, Peter sighed. "I'm gonna make up a new rule."
"And what's that, Peter?" Gamora asked.
"From now on, puns are strictly forbidden on my ship. So are idioms and any terrible one-liners invented by Drax."