DEAR MASTER LUCAS: EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH

A FAN-atical Star Wars Expression of Vengeance by Vyrazhi, ©2014

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: I am also going to include other evil characters that are allies of the Sith.)

Dear Master Lucas,

In the name of the Force, WHY did you make me design the Death Star in such an idiotic way?

Darth Vader

Dear Darth Vader,

Ever heard of an "Achilles' heel"? That's what that shaft inside the Death Star was. If your uber-weapon were completely impenetrable, there's no way that the rebels would have been able to blow it up. With that said, I suppose I could have made the Death Star's vulnerabilities a little bit more complicated, but is "complicated" what Star Wars films are supposed to be? "Less analyzing; more vaporizing". Comprende?

George Lucas

Dear Master Lucas,

Resurrect me in Episode VII, or you shall know the full power of the Dark Side.

Darth Sidious/The Emperor

Dearth Darth Sidious,

I already did enough of that in the Expanded Universe novels. Die-hard Star Wars fans are sick of seeing your ugly mug time and time again, no matter how evil you are - correction: how evil I made you. "Oh, look, it's the Emperor." "Who could the villain be in this book? Is it…Darth Sidious? DUN-DUN-DUNNN!" You've finally lost your aura, and I want to invest in a brand-new bad guy this time. Shut up and die.

George Lucas

Dear Master Lucas,

What kind of name is "Dooku" for a Sith Lord? It sounds like "Doo-doo".

Count Dooku

Dear Count Dooku,

I also named you Darth Tyrannus, but everybody forgets that. Sorry.

George Lucas

Dear Master Lucas,

Who am I? I mean, really? I feel like I have absolutely no identity of my own.

Jango Fett

Dear Jango Fett,

I understand that you're going through an existential crisis, but let me explain. You were cloned. All of the soldiers in Episode II were exact copies of you and your Mandalorian genetic makeup. At first, you were you, but then I made MORE of you. I also made it so that you, the original, wouldn't feel any angst about being multiplied almost infinitely. In short, you once had a singular identity, but no more.

George Lucas

Dear Master Lucas,

Why didn't I hack young Obi-wan Kenobi to pieces with my FOUR FREAKING LIGHTSABERS?!

General Grievous

Dear General Grievous,

In reality you would have, but this is Star Wars. The same rule that applies to the Death Star applies to you. If you'd turned Obi-wan into wonton soup, then how could he have fought against Anakin in the end? You needed to be defeated, so you were. Remember that I am the master here, not you.

George Lucas

Dear Master Lucas,

Why did I become the next Darth Vader almost by default? Is it because I'm Han and Leia's son?

Darth Caedus/Jacen Solo

Dear Darth Caedus,

There's a moral that your Expanded Universe authors tried to teach people through your saga: "Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it." Of course, I don't exactly know what Han and Leia were supposed to learn from Darth Vader, so that's why I left it up to several other people and not myself. Of course, for those who think my rationale is B.S., here's another one: "We ran out of new ideas."

George Lucas

Dear Master Lucas,

So I killed Obi-wan, but he wasn't the real threat in all three films. Why not the ULTIMATE villain?

Darth Maul

Dear Darth Maul,

Coming back in two straight episodes is cheating. Nevertheless, do you mean Palpatine? I know betrayal is the way of the Sith, but if you would have whacked him, there'd be no need for Episodes III, IV, V OR VI. Besides, why try to murder the future Emperor before you offed that self-satisfied little green man?

George Lucas

Dear Master Lucas,

Why aren't there more female Sith?

Darth Lumiya and Darth Traya

Dear Dolls (uh, I mean Darths) Lumiya and Traya,

To be fair, were there any notable female Jedi? Even in the prequel films, the ones that were shown all died under Order 66. Knowing your powers, I still regret to inform you that Star Wars is a man's world (cf. my letter to Jabba the Hutt in which I point out the "core demographic" of this franchise). Padme wasn't a Jedi. Neither was Leia. I'm sorry, but if there are too many girls in a movie who aren't just conquests - uh, I mean "love interests" - then guys won't watch it. Even as Sith, I couldn't afford to take such a risk. I had to confine you to the Expanded Universe. Take solace in those who loved KOTOR and the "Legacy" series.

George Lucas

Dear Master Lucas,

FEED ME.

The Sarlacc

Dear Sarlacc,

WTF? I can't believe you're done digesting Boba Fett, but then again, he's mostly metal. Here's Jar Jar.

George Lucas

Dear Master Lucas,

Why are we so lame? We can't fight. We can't kill. We can't even take two Jedi prisoner. Why?

The Battle Droids in Episode II

Dear Battle Droids,

The real reason you were created consists of two words: toy sales. You weren't meant to fight well or kill. You were lightsaber fodder, intended to be disassembled, and I meant for kids to buy hundreds of you as action figures. The more children re-create the battle scenes from "Attack of the Clones", the more money I make. They don't need their imaginations, but the real thing, countless cheap plastic representations of you that their parents will inevitably step on in the middle of the night. THAT'S your purpose.

George Lucas