Disclaimer: The following is a fan-written parody. Harry Potter is property of J.K Rowling and is published by Bloomsbury Publishing and Arthur A. Levine Books. Hellsing Ultimate is property of Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation. Hellsing Ultimate Abridged is the Crack-Addicted Ass-Baby of TeamFourStar. Please support the Official Release.
When the First Wizarding War began, the Ministry of Magic reassured their Muggle counterparts that there was nothing wrong. The band of Dark Wizards calling themselves the Death Eaters weren't a threat at all to Muggles, in fact they had the situation well at hand and under control.
And then an army of giants rampaged through several towns, killing hundreds.
And then werewolves swarmed across the southern coast, resulting in dozens more killed.
And then the snakes… Oh God the less said about the snakes, the better.
And then the Death Eaters themselves, strolling into homes and murdering entire families in magical and creative ways.
The Ministry of Magic worked very hard to sweep all this under the rug. Windstorms, disease outbreaks, a spate of faulty gas lines explained away most of the deaths and they were quite successful in keeping the Muggle Ministry in the dark about how bad the war was. However, while you could pull the wool over the eyes of the Prime Minister… there was no fooling the Queen: something was not right in her Country.
Which brought us to this fine Halloween Night. The air was clear, the Moon was full, and the Dark Lord Voldemort was a man on a mission to kill the ever-living-fuck out of a year old baby boy. Thanks to a man on the inside of the forces that opposed him, finding the infant was no big deal. Even better, no one of his opposition had the faintest clue that he was coming.
Lifting his hand, Lord Voldemort pondered knocking on the door and then blasting the first person who opened it, but then he thought "I want the whole world to know what kind of twisted bastard I am", so he blew the door clean off its hinges.
As the door fell to the floor, on fire, the first future cadaver he saw was one of the biggest pains in the arse he'd known since the start of the war: James Potter. Three times he'd fought this cocky cock and each time he'd gotten away with a smug smile and V-sign held in the air. Seeing him bolt to his feet with an absolutely dumbfounded look on his face was easily the most satisfying thing Voldemort had experienced since he killed his Father.
Granting him three seconds to comprehend what was going on, he killed him on the spot with Avada Kedavra, and chuckled after he crumpled to the floor.
He looked up and caught a glimpse of Lily Potter's feet as she bolted up the stairs in a mad dash for–presumably–her spawn's room. With machine-like fluidity, he swept across the living room and up the stairs, easily banishing the wards and traps Lily had left in her wake before coming to cast his shadow over her and the crib she stood beside.
He lifted his wand and pointed it at her. "Stand aside, Lily Potter, it's not your life I seek."
In these tense final seconds of her life, she found it absolutely baffling that Voldemort would give her a chance to live. To her merit, she didn't give it a second thought.
"Never," she said.
Voldemort sighed in annoyance. "Well, Severus will be sad to hear that."
And there was that satisfying look of utter confusion again. "What about Severu-?"
In a flash of green light, Lily Potter hit the floor in a heap, dead.
That was that. The bodies of the parents Potter were now slowly cooling and voiding their bowels, leaving their precious child sitting in his crib, staring uncomprehending at his death as it loomed over him. As he looked down at the babe, Voldemort considered his options. He could turn the boy inside out, that would be quite horrific, he could set him on fire and just him–he could only imagine Dumbledore's nightmares after seeing the infant's smoldering skeleton–or even better… he could blow the little shit to smithereens.
Before Lord Voldemort could properly decide on a fitting death for the child, he noticed something crawling on the infant's shoulder. A centipede, a grotesquely large one at that. Another one skittered across his lap, before another one went up around his neck and then down his body. As Voldemort took a step back in confusion, he noticed that the centipedes were everywhere, crawling across the crib, the floor, and up the walls.
"Hey, I know you're busy but-"
Lord Voldemort whirled around to aim his wand at the voice, and found a tall youthful man wearing a red overcoat with an equally red fedora atop his head. The man then pointed down at the floor, at the body of Lily Potter.
"… Are you done with that or can I just help myself…?"
Lord Voldemort flicked the Killing Curse at the man, creating the third dead body to litter the floor of the Potter home. Who was this freshly made corpse and how did he know to follow him? What's more, why did he ask such a baffling question?
The night only got stranger, when Lily Potter's hand suddenly clutched at his leg. Lord voldemort looked down, as LIly's head rolled up and she looked up at him, blood pouring from her mouth and eyes, before speaking in the same voice as the newcomer. "You know, that was very rude."
Lily's grip suddenly became stronger than a giant's, and Voldemort could hear his bones cracking before he flung a curse at Lily's arm, destroying it. Thrown back by the force of the curse, Lily fell back against her son's crib… and began laughing as she rose up like a marionette on string.
"My, my… I've forgotten how much Wizardkind Magic stung!" Lily's possessor said even as her body began to break down and become absorbed into a black, amorphous flame covered with many glowing red eyes.
Lord Voldemort kept is wand aimed at the creature, his thoughts racing. What was this creature? Where had it come from? But most importantly… why didn't it die?!
Whipping his wand over his head, Lord Voldemort went Hard as A Motherfucker, unleashing a barrage of curses and hexes straight for the beast in front. The curses impacted with the mass, pushing it back against Harry's crib and driving the crib itself against a wall. The dark form seemed to absorb the spells and hexes, even as they popped out individual eyes and tore chunks of it away. Unimpeded completely by the damage, the monstrosity just laughed before a Thompson Submachine Gun clutched in a white gloved hand emerged and began spewing fire at him.
A Shield Charm blocked the bullets, and when the barrage stopped, Lord Voldemort whipped the weapon free from its owner's hand and smashed it to pieces against the wall.
The disarmed hand wiggled its fingers, before the eyes turned to the destroyed Thompson. They all then refocused on Voldemort in contempt. "You wrecked my gun."
The monster's form then began to coalesce before Lord Voldemort's eyes, shifting and reshaping until it became the man in the red coat, complete with fedora and orange-tinted sunglasses. He scowled at the Dark Lord. "I liked that gun."
Lord Voldemort had used fear as a weapon for so long he'd forgotten what it was like to feel it. Now that he was remembering it? He was not a fan. "… What are you?"
"I'll tell you what I'm not." Alucard grinned broadly. "Something you can kill."
Voldemort realized that he had to get out of this house and kill the brat before this… this thing decided to test the extent of his power. Whipping the wand around his his head again, he pointed the wand at the creature. "AVADA KEDAVRA!"
Like a Death Ray from Science Fiction, the spell barreled into the man in red and pierced right through him.
And then a split second later, the Potter Cottage in Godric's Hollow exploded, showering the neighboring homes in wood and mortar.
Ten minutes later, several British Army Armored Personnel Carriers barreled into Godric's Hollow, joined by several helicopters, all bearing the red and black Coat of Arms of the Hellsing Organization. The racket sent the primarily Wizardkind population already startled by the explosion into a confused terror, and many took to hiding. There was something frighteningly abnormal about these Muggles and their vehicles, they were not fooled or turned back by the wards that protected the town.
With a landing zone cleared, one of the helicopters of the organization touched down, and bursting forth from it came the furious leader of the Hellsing Organization: Arthur Hellsing.
"YOU BLOOD-SOAKED, HERPES-INFESTED TWAT!" he roared over the rotors as he marched from the helicopter to the blown out ruin, where Alucard was snacking on the remains of James Potter.
Alucard looked up from his after battle meal. "I'm not your wife, Arthur!" he shot back before Arthur punched him in his whorish mouth.
After Alucard smashed into and knocked over a barely standing wall, the Undead King lifted a finger to the air. "Seriously dude, not your wife."
"Alucard answer me this: What did I tell you to do?"
Alucard sat up. "Watch the house in the event Death Eaters arrived to follow through with their silly prophecy."
Arthur nodded. "And what did you do?"
"Watch the house in the event Death Eaters arrived to follow through with their silly prophecy."
Arthur pulled out a revolver from his fashionable red suit and shot Alucard with it, dropping him on his back with a thud. "You were also, explicitly ordered to immediately intervene if a Death Eater came within sight of the house."
Alucard was up again. "Yeah, about that? I was waiting for like three hours before anyone showed up. I got bored, I called up a hooker, she was delicious."
"And while you were having a snack, the king of Death Eaters himself comes along and blows the whole family to smithereens!"
Alucard took offense to that. "Arthur, I am appalled!"
Arthur stared at him.
"Hookers are not food."
Arthur prepared to shoot him again.
"Also, whole family? Yeah right, he only went two for three." One of Alucard's hellhound familiars materialized from the shadow created by his coat. It then opened its mouth–revealing a sleeping Harry James Potter, perfectly unharmed except for a lightning-shaped scar where Lord Voldemort's spell had struck after going through Alucard.
Arthur looked in surprise at the sleeping baby, and then back to Alucard. "What happened to Voldemort, then?"
"Fuck if I know, but given the explosion and the fact that bits and pieces of him are lying all over the place? I'd say that he's pretty fuckin' dead." To emphasize, Alucard held up Voldemort's mostly ruined, already rotting head and began using it as a puppet.
"Know what I could go for right now?" he asked out the corner of one of his many mouths while manipulating the torn and bloodied jaw of Voldemort's head. "Some me!"
Seeing the Potter boy alive and well and quite convinced that Alucard had cleaned up, Arthur left Alucard to amuse himself with desecrating remains and hummed in approval as an opportunity like no other presented itself. He walked over and picked Harry up from the jaws of the hellhound, before holding him up high.
"You can sleep through anything, can't you lad? Much like my little one," he said with a growing smile.
Cradling the sleeping child close, he turned and headed back to the helicopter. "Alucard!"
Alucard looked up from making the remains of Voldemort's head kiss the remains of his arse. "Yeah, chief?"
"Go on for a walk tonight. I've got to convince Walter to adopt this kid."
"Man, I hope Integra's half as fun as you are when she takes over the family business!"
As the helicopter lifted into the night, the Wizarding World's greatest mystery began. On that fateful Halloween night, Lord Voldemort entered the home of Lily and James Potter with intent to kill little Harry, and when the first Auror arrived on the scene hours later, they found a burnt ruin in the place of the Potter Cottage and hysterical accounts from Wizards of Muggles that could see through the illusions that hid them.
Lord Voldemort was gone, blown to bits.
But what had become of the Potters?
And who was "The Crimson Fucker", whose name was spelled in blood before the remains of the Dark Lord?
Harry Potter and the Endless Night
A/N: Insert the first verse of Andrew W.K.'s "Party Party Party" here.