Forgotten Conscience Chapter 66
Doubt is a mother fucker
Author's Note: Thank you to everyone who's reviewed and generally supported my writing over the past year. In case I won't be able to post for the rest of the year (it's possibility), I just wanted to say Thank You, Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, whatever you celebrate, and a Happy New Year.
Well that's what I get.
I open my third beer in half an hour and take a swig.
That's what I get for trying to do the right thing.
I take another sip of my beer and go back to watching people dance on the dance floor.
I try and be the noble good girl, and everything falls apart on me. I should've learned by now that no good deed goes unpunished. No matter how good I try to be it always ends badly. I thought things would be different with B. I thought maybe because I felt happy with Buffy that maybe things would be okay and we could get through this. I was wrong. She might make me incredibly happy when we're together but it isn't real... it WASN'T real.
I take a swig of beer to try and drown it out.
But ever since I had that fight with Buffy I've felt this horrible pain inside me and I can't stop it. Usually when I feel this bad I just go out, get drunk, screw some random guy and I feel better with a major hangover in the morning. But it's not working, most of the time I feel at least a little better after a few drinks but this time it just feels worse.
I chug the rest of the beer down and drop the bottle down on the table.
God, it's not going away. Maybe if I stop thinking about it, it'll go away. If I ignore it I'll feel better.
I look over the crowd to find something, someone to focus on. My distraction doesn't last long though as my eyes rest upon two particular dancers. There are two chicks, a blonde and a brunette to boot dancing together without a care in the world.
That was supposed to be us. B and I are supposed to be out on that dance floor gyrating our hips to the music, grinding our bodies together, touching each other in all the right... inappropriate places. God what I wouldn't give to feel good like that again, even if it was fake.
God damn it I don't care anymore. I don't care if it was fake or if it's real or some freakish in between thing, I just wanna feel like I do with Buffy again. I wanna feel happy again. I don't wanna feel this pain anymore, and there's only one person who can help me.
I get up, nearly tripping over my own feet as I do.
"What the hell does she...?"
I hit him with a round house kick to the head.
I kick him in the side rather than answer his question.
"Everything was going so..."
The vamp tries to get up but I knock him on his back with a front kick to the face.
"... WELL. We were going to be to-together."
He starts to get up again and I grab him by the collar. I pick him up over my head.
"Tonight was even supposed to be our first date."
I throw him clear over a nearby tombstone sending him face first into the dirt.
"This was supposed to be the greatest night of our lives, and then she had to go and ruin it by pretending what we haven't isn't real."
The vamp struggles to get to his feet.
"SHE? Slayer, are you gay?"
I look over at him and my blood boils. I run at him as he gets to his feet. I stop in my tracks as he throws a punch that barely misses my face. I throw my own punch which sends him tumbling over another gravestone behind him.
"So what if I am? It doesn't change the fact that I'm kicking your ass."
I rush over to him and kneel over his body. I start pounding on him between breaths.
"Besides... what she and I h... have isn't as simple as g-gay or... straight. It's about... two... people in... in love. No matter who they are."
I stop pounding on him for a second.
He smiles up at me despite the blood coming off his face.
"Yeah, but you gotta admit, a gay slayer... it's kinda funny."
I pull a stake out of my inside jacket pocket.
I stake him in the heart and he bursts into dust.
Damn vampires, what the hell do they know?
I get up and dust myself off.
You know I think I feel better. It's a good thing I staked him though, cause otherwise I'd be itching to go find Faith or at least a good chunk of cookie dough. You know I think I'm gonna go home and sleep it off. Maybe things will look better in the morning.
I turn around, still getting the last bits of dust off my shirt, and I run into someone nearly knocking them over.
"Oh geez, I'm sorry I was just... I wasn't watching where I was going I... I'm sorry are you all..."
I look up at the person I ran over.
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"Riley, what are you doing here?"
"I'm guessing the same thing you are, except with a few more friends."
A couple of Riley's initiative buddies come out of nowhere.
"Why are you out here alone? I figured you'd be out slaying with Faith. Where is she?"
Oh geez, what do I do? How do I tell him why she isn't here without telling him what we fought about? God I can't keep stringing people along like this, especially Riley. Maybe it's time I sat down and talked with him.
"Riley um, I need to talk to you."
"Okay sure, what do you wanna talk about?"
I'm suddenly very aware of Riley's platoon buddies.
"Um, do you think maybe...? This is kinda a private conversation..."
He looks back at his patrolling boys.
"Oh, right, um..."
He turns around to talk to them.
"Okay fan out and form a perimeter. If you locate an H.S.T. call for back up. I'll be here in case of emergency. Let's bag and tag it people."
They acknowledge his orders and start to move out over the graveyard.
"Okay, what did you need to talk about?"
I look around.
"There's a bench over there, do you mind if we sit down?"
"Well I'm supposed to be on duty."
"Please Riley it's important."
He takes a second to think.
"Okay, if it's that important to you."
We walk over to the bench at the edge of the graveyard and sit down. I take a deep breath.
"First off, I wanna start by saying I'm sorry about what happened the other day."
"It's all right."
"No it's not."
"Yes it is. You were obviously extremely upset."
"But that still doesn't mean..."
He takes my hand.
"Even if you are okay with what happened I still need to talk about why it happened."
"Okay, whatever you need."
"Riley over the last little while I've been going through some... changes."
"I wish you'd told me sooner, I could've tried to help you through it."
"It's... it's not the kind of changes that you can help with. They're kinda... personal changes."
"Well what kind of changes are they? Maybe I went through them when I started college."
"Riley I know all you're trying to do is help but that's not what I need. What I need from you is um... space."
We sit in silence for a moment.
"Buffy, are you breaking up with me?"
I look down at the sidewalk.
I don't think I can look him in the eyes to say this.
"Yes... I am."
Again a moment of silence but it gives me a chance to work up the courage to look at him.
"Was it me? Um, I don't mean to make this about me but did... did I do something? Or did I not do something?"
"No Riley, no it's not you it's me."
"Right, the age old 'it's not you it's me' speech."
"Honestly Riley I'm just... I'm all over the place, emotionally. I need to figure out where this is taking me."
I know exactly where it's taking me, straight to Faith, but I can't tell him that. It would hurt him to know.
"You're a great guy Riley, any woman would be lucky to be with you, it's just... I'm not that girl, I'm sorry."
"This is my fault. I should've paid more attention."
He gets off the bench and faces me.
"I should've been more understanding about the whole slayer thing. I should've trusted that you knew what you were doing when you asked me to help Faith."
"No Riley there's wasn't anything..."
This is not how I was hoping this would go.
"I should've been more attentive, or ran after you when you ran off yesterday. I should've..."
"Riley I think I'm in love with..."
I look down at my sweaty hands.
"I think I'm falling in love with, someone."
We fall into silence again and I struggle to look up at him.
Riley's walkie-talkie comes to life.
"Lilac One this is Lilac Two, possible H.S.T. at 35 degrees north-west."
He ignores it.
"Does it matter?"
His walkie-talkie buzzes to life again.
"Confirmed, moving in on it from an easterly direction, requesting back up."
"Riley shouldn't you go help them?"
We don't say anything.
"Lilac Two to all available units, the H.S.T. is class 3. Repeat the H.S.T. is class 3. All available units converge on my position."
He's ignoring them it sounds like it's important.
"Riley shouldn't you answer that?"
He doesn't answer me. He just keeps looking at me.
I know he wants me to tell him who I'm in love with but, I'm not ready to tell him, or anyone, yet.
"All available units I need back up. Riley where the hell are you?"
"Riley maybe we should go help them."
"No, no it's okay. We'll handle this Buffy we'll handle this without you."
He runs off to help his commando buddies.
Should I go help them? No, I'd only distract him even more than I've already done. I might even get him killed. I'm just gonna go home and try and look at everything in a better light tomorrow morning.
I get off the bench and start back to my dorm.
God I wish I was going home to Faith.
End of Chapter 66