Forgotten Conscience Chapter 68
A new beginning
Author's Note: Kind of funny that I'm posting a chapter called New Beginning on the day after New Years.
I take a deep breath as I wake up. I feel this incredible happy feeling wash over me at the thought of waking up next to Faith. The feeling quickly disappears though as I roll on my side to put my arm around... nothing. I open my eyes to look at the emptiness beside me.
I feel the empty space beside me, it's cold. I sit up in bed and look around.
She's not here. How long has she been gone? If her side of the bed was cold then she's probably been gone for a while. All of the sudden I realize how alone in the room I am.
My eye catches on my open dresser. The clothes are hanging off the drawers.
Did she do it? Did she move out? Oh god, what if she left town?
I start to get up and my hand lands on a piece of paper.
I pick up the piece of paper.
It's from Faith.
Before you panic like you probably already have I want you to know that I haven't left town, I just moved out. I didn't do it to get away from you, I did it because I told your friends I would and I didn't think I could do it if I woke up next to you this morning.'
She left... even after I asked her not to. Even after what I did for her last night. What about everything she said last night? How much of it is real and how much of it was the spell? That empty feeling I had last night starts to creep up on me. What if none of it was real for her?
I fight back the urge to cry as I go back to reading the rest of the note.
'I meant everything I said last night B. I don't care if my feelings for you are real or fake, I just want to keep feeling them. But what we have won't work unless your friends learn to accept me back in their lives. That's why I moved out, to make what we have stronger. But I'll understand if you don't see it that way. I'll understand if you can't look me in the eyes anymore cause I abandoned you in the middle of the night while you were sleeping. I'll understand if you never want to see me again if you feel cheap and dirty because I used you last night. Because that's what I did, I used you, I used you to try and make myself feel better... again.
I hope you can forgive me for what I've done to you, and I hope I'll see you at the meeting today.
Yours truly madly and completely,
Forgive her? Why would I forgive her? There's... there's nothing to forgive. I probably should feel dirty and used, but I don't. Like I told Faith, last night wasn't about me, it was about her and what she needed. I don't blame her for what she did to me. What matters is I still love her, now all I have to do is tell her that.
I get out of bed, dropping the note as I do, heading towards the door. As I grab the doorknob I hear the phone ring, I freeze in my tracks.
Should I answer it? I wanna go find Faith, but what if that's her? What if she's calling to see if I'm okay?
I run over to the phone and pick it up.
Well I did it again. I screwed everything up again. I went to her last night to apologize, to make things right, and all I did was make things worse.
I lie back on my hard motel bed and stare at the off-white ceiling.
She's gonna hate me now, for what I've done to her. How could I do that to someone I cared about? How could I do that to the only person I've ever truly cared about?
I run my hands through my hair in frustration.
I took the one thing that was worth anything and flushed it down the toilet, like I do with everything else that even comes close to the kind of happiness that I feel with Buffy. Not that anything ever really came close to what I feel when I'm with Buffy. Well, maybe slaying, but even that felt like it was missing something. Until I started doing it with Buffy... until I started SLAYING with Buffy.
That was when I started to feel like my life had meaning... having someone to help carry the burden of making the world a better place and never getting credit for it made everything seem a little less doom and gloomy.
I get tired of looking at the ceiling and turn over, burying my face in my flat pillow.
And I even managed to screw that up when I killed a man. God why did I do that? If I hadn't killed the Deputy Mayor, maybe things would've been different between us.
My head jumps up from the pillow.
What the hell did I just say? Am I saying I wish things were different between us? Do I wish I hadn't fallen for B? No, no... I just... I just meant that if I hadn't killed the Deputy Mayor then things would've worked out better for us, our being together would've been so much less painful. God why am I caring about how things could've been between us? Things happened between us and I can't change them, just like how things happened last night that I can't change.
She'll never forget what happened last night and she'll never forgive me either. I'll have to live without her. God I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if I can look at her knowing all I'll ever see looking back at me is the pain in her eyes. I don't think I can live with myself knowing I'll never feel the incredible feeling I had when she touched me, when she kissed me last night like I've never been kissed before in my life.
I don't know if I can live with myself knowing how her fingers felt inside me, bringing me to places I never knew existed and beyond. I don't know if I can look at her knowing I'll never feel like that again. God maybe after we take care of the Adam problem and the whole vampire cult thing I should just leave town.
The phone rings, breaking my train of thought. I pick it up.
End of Chapter 68