Title: The Lies of an Angel

Author: Goldy

Email: thegoldoneb_a@hotmail.com

Disclaimer: I'm not going to tell you! Ha ha hahaha! As far as I'm concerned, Joss can keep this version of Buffy and Angel. I don't want them, anyway.

Synopsis. ANGST! ANGST! ANGST! You've been warned. *g* Buffy finds out about C/A… these are my (I mean *her*) thoughts.

A/N: This is a different style of writing than I normally do, and, as I said, it's kind of depressing. So… no one kill me! No, I don't know how Buffy found out about C/A… but… her thoughts are here, anyway. (Actually, I do know how, but that's in the sequel and I'm not posting the sequel unless people like this.) And, no, I don't know when it takes place. Just… go with it… hmmm?

Feedback: This is my first fic in a while so…. Please, please, please?

Dedication: My wonderful friend, beta, and twin. You know who you are. *g* I think I would be lost and alone without you.

Rating: PG

You once told me you'd stay as long as I needed you. We were sitting under a tree, I was pushed firmly against your chest, and you were wrapped around me. Protecting me. Listening to me. Coming because I needed you. Because I was alone without my mother.  My mother. The only one that stood by me and loved me without question.

You said that you'd stay as long as I needed you.

Forever. I said forever. Forever. Forever. Forever.

Was forever ever the point?

You told me that you'd stay as long as I needed you, as I burrowed against you that cold February day. I needed you forever. I needed you when I jumped off that tower, sacrificing myself for my sister. I needed you when I crawled out of my grave, bleeding, hurt, and broken.

You weren't there. Never. Not once when I needed you.

Now I'm broken. I breathe, I walk, I eat… and deep inside my chest, my heart still beats. But I'm dead. Alive to the world, but dead inside. Dead in the only part that matters.

And the only one who cared, didn't care at all. He was pale, and white. He smelled like you, and sometimes he would touch me like you. He made me feel alive, part of the world, and real once again. And then it would be over and I'd hate myself. Hate myself for touching him, for wanting him, for needing him to feel alive.

So I rejected him. I didn't love him. Couldn't love him. Love was passion, and it burned and consumed. It burned with him and it consumed, but it never once was passion. So I rejected him again. And again. And again.

And he almost raped me.

He hurt me, made me feel weak and little. He told me I was part of the darkness, that I didn't belong with my friends. I belonged with him. In the blackness. In the light I burned, it hurt, it pained, and I was dead inside.

You never came.

But for that one time. You wouldn't touch me, could barely talk to me, left without doing anything at all.

Forever has not point.

When I jumped off that tower, I wanted it. The end. The death. The peace. I wanted to stop. Stop having to live in this world.

I didn't want to come back.

Did you even grieve for me? Did you feel it the moment I left the world? Did you care at all?

You told me that you loved me. Nothing could change that. Not even death.

But you left me. Turned your back. Walked away. You were gone. Gone. Gone. Gone.

And I moved on.

First came Parker. He smiled and said pretty things. I thought that he was cute, and I thought that it would be easy to forget. Forget everything you told me. Forget what I felt in your arms. Forget the way that you said my name. Always like a question. "Buffy?" Are you there? Are you real? Do you love me? And Parker used. And left. And was gone, gone, gone.

Then Riley Finn. I tried to love him. He was perfect. He was what you left me for. So I could have someone to give me kids, someone to take me out into the light, someone that could make love to me. He was all three, and so much more.

I threw him in your face. I told you I loved him. That I trusted him. And you yelled at me. Because I hurt you. Because you still loved me.

But he left. Because I couldn't the only thing he really needed. I couldn't give him me.. Because I hadn't moved on. Riley left. In a little brown helicopter that flew up into the night. And he was gone. Gone. Gone. Gone.

Mommy left next.

But you came. And I asked you to stay forever. You promised to stay as long as I needed you. Then you left.

And I was alone.

So I jumped. I jumped and left. I was gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Dead. Buried. Forever.

Did you miss me? Did you think of me?

Did you ever love me?

You said you'd stay as long as I needed you.

You told me to find someone that could take me into the light.

You told me not even death could change the way you felt about me.

You told me to find someone who could give me children.

Someone to make love to.

But you left. And the light burns. Death helped you to move on. How can I have children when I can barely keep myself alive? And how can I make love if the only one who wants to, is a monster?

Because everything you ever said to me was a lie.

You gave me a ring. It was pretty. It had a little heart, with two hands and a crown. It meant that I belonged to you. But even that is gone. Gone just like you.

You said you'd stay as long as I needed you.

I need you now. I need life. I need your arms. I need to be loved.

But where are you? Where are you while I'm dying? While I seek the comfort in an evil being?

Not here.

Never here.

You're finished with me. I never loved again. I never had a man who could take me into the light and give me children. I never moved on.

You moved on.

She's pretty, she's tall, and she use to have chestnut coloured hair. She once told me that I had no future. She once tried to take you, too, but you told me that you wanted someone different. Interesting.

Is she interesting?

Does she love you? Does she love all of you? Your soul and your demon? Do you love her? Do you promise her forever? Did you give her a little ring with a heart, hands, and a crown? Did you tell her to wear it facing inwards? Do you belong to her?

You moved on.

To Cordelia. Cordelia Chase.

Cordelia.

The girl that used to tell me I had no future. The girl who would snap and glare, always trying to be hurtful. And look where I am now? I have no future, and she has your's.

You once only had eyes for me. Even as she noticed you, you only had eyes for me. You told me that you loved me, you tried not to, but couldn't stop.

What do you tell her?

While I'm dead inside?

And your son.  A brimming pile of baby brightness. Granted, you lost a few years of this miracle's life. But he's back now. Back with his mommy and daddy.

You and Cordelia.

You told me that vampires couldn't have children. And I figured that there were lots of things that vampires couldn't do. Like work at the post office. Or have little baby vampires.

But you did. You have a son. And you love.

You love a girl that isn't me.

You moved on.

And I died.

Everything you ever said to me was a lie.

When I sent you to hell, I grew up. Angelus was one of the worst things that I ever had to face, but sending you to hell was the most painful. The way that you closed your eyes and had perfect trust in me. The way you whispered my name, even after I had a pierced you with a sword. The way my name was the first thing that you said when you came back.

I loved you. All I could see when I looked into the future was you.

And you left.

Gone. Gone. Gone.

And you moved on.

Cordelia Chase.

You had a son.

Connor.

And I died. Died when I jumped off the tower, and died again when my heart started to beat.

You lied.

You once told me that some lies were necessary.

Did you ever love me?

You lied. And you moved on. And I'm empty. All empty. Alone. Terribly alone. Alive but dead. Living but dying.

Forever was never the point.

Because you told me I was the only girl that you loved in 243 years.

And two and a half years later you moved on.

END