I laid paralyzed in bed.
She still wanted to go through with the whole shebang? She…bang? Shebang? How have I not noticed that before? Shebang. Shebang. Shebang.
Crap, that's me. She's waiting for an answer and my damn head has turned into some Ricky Martin video. What do I tell her? The truth? That would never work.
Bella, I can't make love to you because I want you to actually be in love with me.
She'll never buy it.
Bella, I can't make love to you because…I'm waiting till marriage.
Bella, I can't make love to you because…I found out I only have two months to live and I don't want you pining after me when I'm gone and because the doctors said that if I have sex, I will die sooner and wouldn't it be better to live longer by my side than to have one great lay that would cause an aneurysm to burst in my head causing isn't stroke and death.
I breathe out a little.
Bella, you're my sister…what we just did was wrong unless you're a Lannister but since we aren't really Game of Thrones characters and since you aren't really my sister, I guess we could have sex just once and only once but at midnight we have to promise to never talk about it ever again and never see one another, avoid eye contact at all times and…
Oh a sweet angel's voice saves me from the darkest depths of Hell.
Bella jumps out of bed and runs toward my bedroom door. She realizes then that her top is missing as well as her bra. She frantically looks for her shirt and decides to forgo the bra.
I exhale the moment she's gone allowing my head to fall back onto the pillow.
I can hear some faint murmuring outside my door and then the creaky steps as two pairs of footsteps make their way up. I am overwhelmed with relief. Moo Moo bought me time and I promise myself to buy her a present in return.
Once again my mind shuffles though obnoxious lie after another of what I can tell Bella but every single time, I know it won't make a bit of difference. No matter what I say, if the answer isn't what she wants to hear, she will feel rejected and self-conscious. I can't win.
So I wait for her to come back to me but she never does. I wait until well after midnight and surmise that she isn't returning that night. I know I should feel relief and I do but I also feel a little sad and to be quite honest, a little cheap.
Just take your orgasm and go. I see how it is.
I wrestle with my pillows and attempt to find sleep for myself but every creek of the house sends my chest fluttering in hope that she is on her way back.
Maybe she changed her mind like I had wished her to. What if I was the one to break her from her self-inflicted prison and now she was going to be the one running off to meet up with a different guy every night. What if she meets another man and finds that he's an even better choice for Maisey's father?
The very though fills me with rage. So much so that I am up and out of my bed before I know it. Pictures of man after man fill my head as I try and imagine my little Moo Moo playing with her new daddy.
The stairs creak as I scramble up them. I look in on Moo Moo and she is passed out once more in her bed. I head towards Bella's room and softly open the door, thankful that her hinges aren't squeaking.
She hears me enter and flips around in her tiny bed. I could tell she hadn't slept either.
"Edward," She whispered.
I stare at her not sure of what to say. My mouth is making motion but nothing comes from it.
"What do you want from me?"
She looks taken aback by my question and tone.
I shake my head and move to sit on her bed.
"Bella, I need to know what you want from me? Do you just want to fuck me? I need you to be honest with me. If you want to fuck…then I'll fuck you but…if you want more...I need to know."
"How romantic," She says lamely.
She looks a tad disgusted by my words and I wonder if I should have made my intentions clearer.
"What do you want?" She asks.
"No. I need you to tell me first."
She huffs and shrugs her shoulders. Her mouth is open but she doesn't look in my general direction.
"I don't know."
"Be honest!" I snapped.
She wants to tell me what she thinks I want to hear.
"I…don't want to just…you know."
She won't even look at me because I know she's afraid of what I will say. I take her face in my hand and force her to look into my eyes. With the bright ass moon coming through her window, I can easily see the worry upon her face.
"I don't either."
We both take a breath of relief.
"Although…I really wouldn't mind if we…you know."
And with her words, we are right back to where we started.
Be honest, Edward.
"Well I don't think we should until you can stop calling it, "you know,"" I laugh softly.
I can see her face go red as she tucks her hair behind her ear.
"So…does this mean that we are going to date?" she asked.
"As long as you promise to not set me on fire."
She holds up her hands defensively. "I make no promises. I can promise that I won't intentionally set you on fire. That's about the best I can do."
"I will take that."
We both laugh and I want to kiss her but I don't want to be too forward.
"This is going to be hard. I mean we will have to not only keep it secret from the town but from Maisey as well," she said.
"I know. If I had a little more foresight, I would have told Agent Black to make us a couple to begin with. It will be hard but know that when we are in public and my hand brushes against yours, it will mean that I wish I could hold it. When we sit across from one another at the diner and you see my eyes gaze toward your lips, it will mean that I'm thinking about kissing you. And just remember, we have nights to ourselves. A block of time where no one will know anything of our forbidden actions."
I see her move toward the wall allowing more room in her bed.
"Like I said, can we continue?"
I look over my shoulder toward the door and then back to her.
"What about Moo Moo? Aren't you worried she'll wake up again? She'll hear us?"
I feel my points are valid and at least it will buy me some time. As much as I would like nothing more than to bury myself in her, over and over again, I know that if we have sex now, she might regret her reasons in the morning. That is one thing I have learned about Bella, she could change her mind in the blink of an eye.
I see Bella sigh and she looks down toward her blankets.
"You're probably right. Besides I think I should be sure that my body…is a little more presentable."
I furrow my brow?
"More presentable? I can't imagine what you could do to make yourself any more tempting than you already are."
"You don't have to do that. I already said I would sleep with you. I'm a sure thing. You don't need to lie."
Her words send my brain into a tizzy and I can feel myself incredibly irritated.
"Lie? I wasn't lying. And if you think I just think of you as another notch on my headboard then I don't want to have sex with you."
I jump off her bed and grab the door knob a tad harshly, ripping the door open. It really upset me that she could turn a simple compliment into an accusation. However, the minute I reach my room and look at the bed, I instantly feel stupid for leaving. My bed looks lonely without Bella in it.
I know I should return and apologize but I don't.
The night was horrible to say the least. Half the time I kept replaying Bella's orgasm over and over in my head. A quarter of the time, I imagined what it would have been like if I had just given in and fucked her and the other quarter I spent berating myself for thinking of her like that. It was indeed a long night.
I don't think I fell asleep until well after four so I knew I shouldn't have been surprised when I woke up and saw my clock read fifteen past noon. What surprised me was the lack of noise coming from the house. I walked tentatively out my door expecting to see Moo Moo watching television but she was not there. I walked toward the kitchen and it didn't even look like anyone had eaten breakfast. I finally called out Bella and Moo Moo's name but no answer returned.
I wasn't sure what I was going to say when I saw Bella. I guess I thought I would see how she responded to my presence to gage how I should handle last night. I walked out the front door onto the porch and I saw the truck missing. My heart began to flutter in fear. Where was she? She wouldn't just leave without saying something to me, she knows in our situation how important it was to keep one another apprised of our location at all times.
It was then I really began to worry. What if she was so upset by what happened the night before that she just took off with Maisey. I don't know how many times she threatened me so what if she finally made good on her word? She didn't even have a license so the fact that she had put Maisey in that kind of danger really pissed me off.
I look around for a phone that isn't there. I have no way of contacting any single person. It would take me a half hour to reach town without a car. I feel my whole body break out in a sweat.
Just then I hear it.
My heart slows its pumping and the sweat seems to vanish instantly as I hear the rusty old truck making its way up the path. My first inclination is to run outside and begin yelling at Bella but I refrain.
I take a seat at the breakfast table and wait for the pair to enter. Moo Moo enters first with a skip through the door.
"Uncle Edward! You're awake."
"Hey sweetie. Where did you just come from?"
Bella enters as I finish my question but she's not alone. The short girl named Alice is with her and for a moment I relax knowing I won't have to go off on her for driving without a license. Alice gives me a hyper hello as she passes.
"We went to the store to get supplies for my science project. I'm going to grow a tree so I can give Fred a friend. Every tree should have a friend."
"I thought you were Fred's friend," I replied.
I see Bella standing off to the side making a show of putting away groceries while Alice makes herself at home at my kitchen table.
"I am but Fred needs tree friends." She looks over at her mother and asks, "Mommy, can I watch television?"
"You need to take a nap first. You've been up since six and you were restless last night," Bella replied.
Moo Moo begins to pout and complain.
"I will lay down with you if you'd like," Bella offered.
I knew exactly what she was doing but just because I was acting friendly for Moo Moo's sake, I wasn't about to let her off without feeling the anger boiling inside.
"Hey, Moo Moo. Do you mind going up and laying down by yourself? I need to talk to your mom. I promise that when you wake, I will help you with your project."
Moo Moo's face lights up and she tells me I have a deal. She practically runs upstairs and as I turn to confront Bella, I see she has returned to the groceries. I want Alice gone but it's obvious that she doesn't have any transportation since I didn't see any when I checked on the truck.
"Thanks again for letting me borrow your truck. Jasper should be here any moment. It's so sweet that he always takes my car in for its checkup. I just wish he would ask me first to see if I need a car," Alice babbles.
"It was no problem. Thank you for letting us tag along. I didn't want to wake Edward this morning. He seemed to not get very much sleep last night," She replied adding that last part for my benefit.
"Are you still thinking about Tanya?" Alice then directed her conversation toward me.
"What? No! Why would I be thinking about her."
"You don't need to snap at her like that. She is our guest after all." Bella snapped.
"I wasn't. It caught me off guard," I tried to explain.
"Well please forgive my brother. He can be very rude sometimes," Bella told her.
I sighed out in frustration and its apparent that Alice has become very uncomfortable. There is silence for a few long seconds and then Alice jumps out of the chair.
"I think I hear Jasper coming. I better go and meet him so he won't have to wait. Thank you again!" She yells practically running out our door. I turn and see Bella staring me down. She gives me an indignant look and then flips around and heads toward the stairs.
"Hold it!" I barked.
I walk over to her and lean against the wall next to the stairs with my arms folded across my chest waiting for her to acknowledge me.
"What? Are you still upset about last night?" She asked irritated.
"No, I'm upset about this morning," I snapped.
That has Bella's attention so she looks up at me confused.
"How could you just take off like that without letting me know where you were going?"
"Ohhhh, kind of like how you took off the first day we got here without telling me? WITH MY KID!"
Crap! She had a point.
"Oh, so we're tit for tat?"
"I went to the store and you were still asleep. I didn't realize I needed your permission to leave the house," She said sarcastically.
"Not my permission. Just a little heads up would have been nice. You know we aren't exactly vacationing here. I need to know where you and Maisey are at all times. It's kind of my job."
"You're just pissed off about last night and want to be angry with me. Do you want some kind of apology for it? I'm not really sure why you left in such a tizzy. I wasn't saying anything remotely condescending or rude to you, you know?"
"You called me a liar!" I accused.
"I didn't mean anything by it. You said that I was fine as I was and I know that's not true. How many women have you been with?" She asked and then before I could even begin to try and deliver an answer she finished by saying, "You know how many men I have been with?"
I knew I shouldn't answer that but when I stopped to think about her sex life and how she was as a person, I knew her number and mine greatly differed.
"One," she said.
She sighed and looked around the kitchen. She bit down on her lip once more and I didn't know how to respond.
"Edward…I know you've been with a lot of women and I'm not upset about that but I don't know if you could tell, I am incredibly self-conscious when it comes to certain aspects of my life. I know the kind of women you get with. I'm not like those women and I feel embarrassed about that. If we have sex, I know that the whole time I will focus on practically every part of my body and how it must be so below par of what you have experienced in the past. I haven't shaved certain areas in a very long time. I have a few stretch marks from pregnancy and my breast aren't as perky anymore since breastfeeding. I called you a liar because I cannot honestly believe that you really feel that I am…presentable."
I am blown away by her honesty and so incredibly sadden by it as well. I want to say that I wouldn't judge those parts of her but I guess it is very possible that I would. But this is the first time I have felt this way about a woman and I can't imagine that with all her stated imperfections I could ever see her as "below par"
"Bella, I…you're probably right."
I see her face fall a little.
"If we would have had sex when I initially wanted to, the night of our first date; I probably would have judged you and compared you to other women. I would have fucked you and then never called you again. Ignored any attempt on your part to get ahold of me and told Michael all about it. I…am an asshole. But…I need you to believe that what I am about to say, is not a line. It's not something I am saying to get you into bed. I feel something for you. Something I never even felt with my first wife. I feel something for you that scares me. Excites me. Makes me want to run out and buy a piano so I can try and express it through some cheesy song and I don't even know how to play the piano."
She laughed softly.
"Bella…I want to make love to you. I know you wanted to have sex last night but I don't want to just have sex. I want to have more with you than just sex."
I quickly take her in my arms and kiss her. I pour every word I just said into that kiss hoping that she can feel my sincerity but as the kiss goes on and becomes deeper, I also feel an overwhelming desire to take her to the bedroom.
She moans out and attempts to pull me closer but I do her one better and push her up against the wall grinding myself into her. We finally end the kiss and stare at one another for a few seconds before she speaks.
"uh…we…sex?" She manages and I laugh ironically and groan in frustration. That all I want to do is give her sex but we need to wait.
"Come on, Edward. What is it you need from me? Promise that I won't go crazy on you? I won't regret it? What?"
"I already told you want I needed and now I know what it must feel like to be a woman. You never listen to me."
She huffs at me and rolls her eyes. "You want me to say that I love you? What? What do you want?"
I grab her hands and make her look into my eyes.
"I want you to be in love with me!" I yell out in defeat.
Bella sighed and closed her eyes.
"I don't know if I'm there yet," She offered.
"That's okay. I'm not expecting you to," I replied quietly.
She finally looks at me.
"So…we…aren't going to…" She swallows before continuing, "have sex. I am offering and you don't want to do anything sexual with me."
I can't believe that I'm saying no. For the first time in my life, I am willingly turning down sex with a sexy woman. Damn this country life and its fresh air!
"Well…I didn't say we couldn't do anything sexual."
And I see the light go back into her eyes. It was quickly replaced by something else however. Desire. But then something rolls around in my mind. It still bothered me that she felt all these insecurities and I didn't want her to feel insecure with me. I didn't want our first time together to be Bella wrapped up in her mind wondering what I thought about all her "imperfections."
I take her by the hand and pull her toward my bedroom and she happily keeps up my pace. I pull her into my bathroom and close the door behind us and lock it. The bathrooms were the only rooms in the house that locked. I would need to go to the store soon and buy Bella and myself locks for our doors if we were going to keep this up. Locks for the doors and a gross of condoms.
I turn to face her and can't help but look over her body as my gaze comes up to meet her eyes.
"Do you trust me?" I asked.
She bites her lip thinking about it.
"I need to know. Do you trust me? I know what you're thinking, Bella. You want to say no because you don't know what I am about to do and that scares you. However, you want to say yes because you think it will get you want you want. So I will make this easier for you. If you say yes, you have to go along with what I am about to do to you. I promise you at least one fantastic orgasm but in return, I am going to do something to you that will make you feel very self-conscious. So what will it be? How much does that orgasm mean to you?"
Her chest rises and falls and I can see her eyes full of worry. Worry because she knows that she wants to say yes but knows how much it will cost her to do so. I already have my plan in place because I know she will say yes and I know how much she is going to feel embarrassed by what I plan on doing next but if after it is all said and done, she has one less thing to feel self-conscious about, then I was prepared.
"Yes." She says shakily.
I look at her one more time in the eyes to be sure and then I reach for the razor.
AN: Thank you for taking the time to read and review. Thank you for sticking with this story even though I know its been a very long while between updates. I am trying to not take such a long sabbatical again.
Disclaimer: Story is mine. Characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.