(A/N) I have been reading Chuck fanfiction for about a year and I thought I might try my hand at some writing. Guess we will see how it goes! Please be gentle in your reviews, but not to gentle. I don't mind some criticism from the likes of the writers here, I feel like I would be in good company for sure!
Oh, I am so not cool enough to own Chuck, wish I was. How does that saying go? Wish in one hand….? Yeah…
He felt broken inside. The past two years had taken their toll and he really had no idea how to make anything any better. There was no way out for as far as he could see. He was stuck in a dead end job that he was now tied to indefinitely, he was burning the candle at both ends to keep up with it and his new "secret job", and on top of that he had to lie on a daily basis to virtually everyone who meant anything to him.
His sister Ellie had given up her childhood for him, and in return he was lying to her every day, keeping her in the dark about his life because he feared for her safety, as well as his own. Then there was Morgan, his best friend for as long as he could remember. He had never kept anything from him and now, between the missions taking up all of his time and the lies he had to tell to him to keep him safe he felt like he didn't even know his bearded friend anymore. Every conversation they had he felt as if he was covering up lies with more lies, so much so he had begun to avoid hanging out with him at all just to avoid the fake conversations.
And then there was Sarah. What could he say about her other than she was not only the best, but also the worst thing about this whole entire ordeal. Without the Intersect she would have never came into his life, and that was both a pro and a con. He was so in love with this woman that he really felt like he floated when she was near him. When she smiled and looked at him with those amazing blue eyes he could swear his heart was going to jump right out of his chest. But that was the hardest thing to reconcile when she was persona non grata to him in every way, yet she was his "girlfriend" in everyone's eyes but his and hers, and of course Casey and Beckman. How could he forget about the banes of his existence? This was the woman who wanted him dead, and the man who would most likely put him in the grave if she gave the order. He hated that Sarah pretended so well, he knew everyone else needed to believe but for some reason he felt like a lot of the things she did went outside the realm of the cover. Smiles and conversations that were just them seemed so real to him, she seemed so genuine when she relaxed and it was just them. She felt like a real girlfriend in virtually every way except for the fact that she constantly reminded him she wasn't, and never would be.
He had no choice but to play along, day in and day out, and he was starting to really resent them all. He resented the Buy More for being the perfect "cover". He resented Morgan for not paying more attention and noticing something was wrong with him, even though he had gotten pretty good a distancing himself and Morgan had not exactly gone to the way side quietly. He had put up quite a fight at first, but thanks to his cover "girlfriend" Morgan had just taken it as a blow off to be with the beautiful woman that had stolen his friends' heart (and time). He resented Ellie because she still had a normal life, but he knew that wasn't fair to her. He just wanted so badly to be able to go to work and come home, nothing else required. He wanted to play his games with his friend, and maybe even go on a date where he had a chance of a real connection, maybe even some sex? He was a red-blooded male after all, even if he was a shy nerd. Resenting Sarah fell in this category. She was posing as his girlfriend but he didn't get anything out of that other than no way to have a real girlfriend, that made being with her sometimes really hard, especially now that he wanted her to be his real girlfriend more than anything. Resenting Beckman and Casey was both easy and felt good and fair to him; neither of them seemed to care at all about him, as long as he did what they wanted they would let him continue to breathe. That's what Casey had told him anyway after a particularly harrowing mission that almost got them all killed, he had not stayed in the van as he was told because he saw the target leaving out the back door as Sarah and Casey had gone in the front. He was trying to help, but instead the target got shot by a rogue agent and he had gotten taken by said agent and caused everyone to have to track him for days in order to retrieve him, or rather retrieve the intersect. None of it was ever really about him, he was quite sure that was all he was anymore and it stung more than he wanted to admit.
He found himself wearing down more and more from each day to the next. He was normally a pretty happy guy; he smiled a lot and was generally fairly jovial to anyone and everyone. Lately he found himself trying to put distance between himself and everyone instead. He avoided the counter at work now and spent most of his time in the cage working on the broken equipment. Now while his boss Big Mike was happy with the increase in productivity, it also meant he had left the counter to Lester and Jeff, whom were not exactly the customer service type. He told Big Mike he couldn't do everything anymore and if he wanted better help than maybe he should consider hiring them. Big Mike had stared at him with an open mouth full of powdered donut as he turned and walked back to the cage, and he didn't even care. When he got off work if he didn't have a mission he went directly home and spent his nights reading fanfiction and whatever new graphic novel happened to come out. He spent time on catching up on games he had not yet had the chance to play as well. Two years is a long time to go without playing all of the random genre new releases, he had missed a lot and found it was fairly easy to find something mindless to fill his time with. Sarah had come by the store multiple times to try and get him to go to lunch but he had made up excuses about being backlogged with work and had brushed her off repeatedly. She had also called a few times to try and arrange a cover date as well and he had pretty much just stopped answering her calls, he knew if it was a mission Casey would call and yell at him so he just ignored her calls completely, hoping that she would just let it go. It worked, for a little while.
TAP TAP TAP
"Chuck?" Sarah stood outside the Morgan door tapping politely but with a fairly confused and slightly angry look on her face. He looked over to her briefly and motioned for her to come in, but his attention went right back to his game he was playing. She climbed in and stood there staring at him for a few moments before walking to the TV and shutting it off. "Really Chuck? You have ignored me for weeks and I come to your house to talk and you can't even be bothered to put down the damn controller? What the hell is wrong with you? Did I do something?"
Chuck didn't even look at her as he got up and threw the controller on his bed. He grabbed his jacket and started to climb out the Morgan door without a word. She followed him quickly, grabbing his arm and spinning him around in the courtyard by the fountain. She looked him in the eyes and stood there, waiting for him to say something but he just lifted his finger and pointed to the security cameras. She nodded slightly, indicating that she understood and followed him to the parking lot.
"I expect some answers Chuck." Was all she said as she cut him off and power walked to her car "Get in." He hesitated for a moment until he saw the look on her face; she was on the verge of tears. Sarah Walker was upset and apparently hurt that he didn't immediately get in the car with her. Once again the ugly confusion that was his relationship with this woman reared its head and he closed his eyes and took a deep breath before climbing in and buckling his seat belt.
She drove for awhile until she came to the beach, their beach. Well, that's what he thought of it as anyway, he came here a lot when he wanted to daydream about her. Always in his mind was that first conversation he had with her here. She wanted his trust, but he felt like now she was really asking for his soul that day, with no payment in return. She turned the car off and jumped out of the door, slamming it behind her and walking off towards the waves. He took another deep breath and slowly climbed out of the car and followed.
"What the hell is going on Chuck? I haven't seen you for weeks outside the missions; you won't even answer the phone when I call you anymore! At this point we will need some serious cover maintenance to undo…"
"I don't care about the cover Sarah." He stopped her mid sentence. His utter distaste for that word very clear in the way he spit it towards her. It was enough to stop her rant; she just stared at him for a moment.
"Ok, what is wrong?" She asked with less accusation and a large element of concern suddenly present in her tone. She moved forward to touch his arm and he flinched and took a step back, completely throwing her off guard. She crossed her arms in front of her instead and stared at him, trying desperately to not show him how painful his reaction was for her to swallow.
"Nothing's wrong, but nothing's right either. I'm sorry Sarah, I just don't care anymore. I'll do what you guys tell me to because I don't want you to hurt Ellie or Morgan, but I don't want to play any of the games that come with it anymore, including being your cover boyfriend. I mean, let's be real, no one believes that you are with me anyway. I am personally tired of fielding those remarks about us especially when they are true, no one like you would ever be with someone like me by choice, it's just a fact." Sarah visibly stiffened at this remark and immediately looked at her feet. While she was trying to hide her visible anger at those ignorant words she knew to be so far from the truth he just assumed she was just trying to spare him her look of indifference. "It's ok Sarah, I know how you fe…"
It was Sarah's' turn to cut him off "Don't you dare Chuck! Don't you dare sit there and be so smug that you can presume you know how I feel, trust me you have NO IDEA."
"You are so right! I don't! And how would I Sarah? Is anything you tell me true? No! It's all for the cover. I do know the one thing that was true though, you telling me that you and I are not real, every flippin' chance you get. The thing that kills me is that I am not stupid. You may be able to control your words around me, but I watch your eyes dilate every single time you look at me, and when we are close I can hear you breathing speed up, I can see your pulse quicken in your veins in your beautiful neck. Fuck Sarah! I can smell your arousal when you are sleeping next to me for the "cover". You're not as good at lying to me as you think you are. I can't do this anymore with you. I can't be this close and so far away at the same time."
Sarah stood in shocked silence as he yelled at her. She looked like she was downright scared by the time he was done but she quickly schooled that under her "spy mask" as Chuck referred to it and began to speak. "No one ever said I didn't find you attractive Chuck and that is all you have proven by what you have just said. You know there are rules Chuck and I can't…"
"Can't? Or won't?" Chuck interrupted her yet again; tired of the same line of crap she gave him every time they had a conversation like this. He was pretty sure it was a scripted CIA response because she had it down perfect. He got right in her face as he asked her and she made a small step back as she gasped at his invasion of her space.
"What do you want me to say Chuck, is your attitude these past few weeks really all about us? You are the one who has been ignoring me, remember?" She tried to deflect the question like she always did and with that he kicked the sand as hard as he could towards the waves, and he turned around and started to walk away. "CHUCK!" She tried to restrain the panic in her voice. She had no idea he was this mad at her, but she should have and it bothered her. She followed him at a jog until she caught up. He spun around on her and got in her face again.
"I love you Sarah Walker! I am head over heels in love with you! There is my honesty, there is my truth. I have given you my everything for years with nothing in return. You wanted trust from me, that's what you asked for, do you remember?" He choked out over the tears that were forming in his eyes.
"Yes" she said timidly, remembering sitting there next to him that morning so long ago. She was trying desperately not to start crying as well, she had never seen him angry before tonight, and his anger was all for her. Her heart and mind were battling, her heart begged for her to reach out for him and tell him everything, how she longed to be his real girlfriend and how much she enjoyed every minute they spent together. Her mind however told her to hold her tongue and be strong, he was her asset and she was just doing her job.
"Well trust this, if I don't get some honesty from you soon then you and I will no longer even be able to be in the same room any more. How am I supposed to trust you Sarah? I trust that you will keep me safe during a mission, but apparently emotionally I am all on my own. That's fine, if that's how my life has ended up then so be it, but I will not pretend to love you when you know for a fact that I really do. I can't anymore, its killing me inside." Chuck got quiet towards the end and just stared at his feet, the tears pouring from his eyes. He waited for a moment, silently hoping for her to respond. She stood still and silent, saying nothing. He took a deep breath to calm himself, and turned and started walking away from her again. He hadn't gotten very far when heard her crying behind him as he walked away, but his inner anger got some sense of satisfaction from that so he just kept walking. If she would just be honest with him he would take away all of her tears, he would make her the happiest woman alive, if she would just let him he thought to himself and started to walk towards home.
Sarah watched him walk away and couldn't stop the desperate sobs that wracked her body. She let him go though, mostly because everything he said was right, and it hurt to know just how much pain she had caused him. Chuck was different from anyone she had ever met, and she was in serious trouble. She thought about Casey and Beckman, how each of them would react if she admitted her feelings, if she let on to how compromised she really was. The fear of losing her career was very real for her, but as she kneeled on the beach in the wet sand, tears cascading from her face, she realized that the fear of losing Chuck from her life was so much greater. She had no idea how to deal with that, because if she was honest with herself she had never wanted anyone in her life for any reason. Her dad was the only one she had wanted in her life but she had been very used to being without him for the most part by the time he was arrested and taken from her permanently. Bryce was another example, she hadn't really wanted him in her life so much as tolerated his presence. Everything that happened between them sexually had been either a product of pure adrenaline or pure drunkenness, and it was always followed with an awkward few days of situational denial. Chuck made her rethink every aspect of her life, she wanted his world to be hers, and she wanted him to be hers. The most amazing part about it all to her was that he offered exactly that to her with no reservations and no limitations, he asked for nothing in return and he showed her a glimpse of a life she never even knew existed beyond the movies. She had trust issues with everyone and it was no different with Chuck in the beginning, he was just honestly the first person in her life that had rightfully earned her trust with no exceptions. She honestly felt he would never betray her, never hurt her, and if given the chance to be with her, he would never leave her. She knew that this was the end of riding the fence for her, she had to make a decision, and she had to do it now. She pulled herself up and began walking towards her car.