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When I woke up, I felt as if I hadn't had a drink in 2 days, my mouth was dry and I felt dizzy. I knew from the corner of my eye that someone was sitting besides me. I turned my head towards my left, and my eyes rested on a very still Jack Bristow. He stared at me with a weird look, an accusatory look. I didn't ask him why he was looking at me this way because it wasn't the right time nor the right place for it, but I bet it has something to do with Sydney.
"What happened?" Is the only thing I can think of.
"You slept for over 40 hours." Was the simple answer I got. Why is he here? I asked him to end my suffering, is it what he's doing?
"Am I dying?"
"Almost." He answered straightforwardly. "Sydney got the antidote, looks like you'll be fine, you're blood levels have improved."
"How did she do it?" I bet it wasn't piece of cake, she said it was going to be easy when she came to see me after talking to her mother while taking some of my blood, but I could see in her face she didn't want me to worry about her.
"She had Sloane killed." What the fuck?! Sloane's dead?! Why? How? "I'll let you rest now Mr. Vaughn." I was too stunned to move or speak. She had him killed to save me? That sure says a lot…Now I understand what Jack's face meant.
Dr. Nichols took blood again, and said I was getting healthier, and that I'd be able to leave in a few hours. My mom came in and took me in her arms, crying. I know it's hard on her, she already lost my dad. She took me home where I could take a hot shower and dress up, and then I left to go to the Agency. That's where I was briefed about what really happened with the mission to save me, about Sloane not being dead. As I walk into the hallway, I see Sydney staring back at me with a huge smile. It's obvious she was waiting for me. We stare at each other, not knowing what to do; me, happy that she saved my life again, and her, happy to see me alive. The place is rather empty, most people have got home, it's about 8pm. I just make a small move towards her and we end up in each other's arms. A warm feeling overcomes me, and I thank her for saving my life. This is very emotional for me, and as I fight the tears from coming down on my cheeks, I can feel that Sydney's body is shaking and that she's trying to control herself. I'd like to have her in my arms always, but the embrace has to end.
"You're feeling alright?" She asks, her eyes still watery. I know I look pale.
"I'm fine, at least I will be." I uncomfortably move. "I heard about Sark." I have to find a safe zone to talk about, or I can feel it, we might break.
"Yeah, thanks to me Sloane's standing has never been higher. I don't believe Sark to be an ally for one second."
I nod and we stare in each other's eyes again. She looks down for one second and I know the meeting is over.
"I'll see you tomorrow." She tells me in her sweet voice. I'd give anything to hear her one day say I'll see you at home. I nod again. As she is turning her back on me to leave, I catch her left hand in my right one.
"Syd?" She looks at our hands and then at me, I can see she is trying to hide her surprise.
"Yes Vaughn?" Even if I call her Syd, she'll never end up calling me Michael, I know that.
"Do you have any idea that you're the reason why I'm standing here right now? I owe you my life twice." She shyly smiles at me. "Do you even realize that you risked everything to save mine today?"
"I know." She says back, staring right into my eyes without blinking. I love those eyes. I smile at her and take her right cheek in my left hand as I delicately kiss her on the left cheek.
"Thank you Sydney." My voice sounds rusty, and we are standing too close. She nervously smiles at me and take a step back.
"Yeah, well…" She's avoiding eye contact for a few seconds. Shit, maybe I shouldn't have…but I just didn't think… "I'll see you tomorrow." And she walks away from me after giving me a nice smile. A true one.
He's right. I risked everything to save his life, I even put myself in danger, and everyone at SD-6. The only thing I could think of was the goal of the mission: Saving Vaughn. Why? Because it was my goal. My mission. It was what I wanted. Nobody told me I had to save him, that he was too valuable to the CIA to loose. I know what he is worth, and a man like him you don't find on every corner. He has many qualities I admire in him. No, I wanted him to be alive, to stay alive. I couldn't let him die, I just couldn't, so I did what I thought was going to save him. After all, it was my mission. My goal. My Vaughn…
My Vaughn…As I stayed there, in the hospital, holding his hands, while he was saying to me to be careful and be happy if he didn't make it, I knew I couldn't think of a life without him in it. I just knew it, I felt it, and I just wanted to cry and put his hand to my cheek like close people do. But it's forbidden between us, and that makes it look like innocent behaviors are not that innocent after all. There's a Great Wall of China between us. We both would like to climb it, but what is on the other side?
I like him…a lot.
I'm even thinking that I may be falling in love with him. I dream of him at night. It's never happened to me since Danny died. And when I wake up, reality hits hard. And when I have nightmares, he is always there to make me feel better. I just go to him, and he doesn't ask any question, he just holds me, waiting for the tears to stop, and then, but only then, I tell him what happened. He's always been able to make the pain go away, or to make it better. Isn't that what love is suppose to do? I'd like to be able to lay my head on his shoulder every night after work, and hear him say to me that one day all of this insanity will be over. But we can't just say screw protocol, and live what we want to live. It's too dangerous, for both of us. And the result will only be pain.
But if only I could just hold him once more and finally find out just how soft his lips are. If only…
And today it happened, we hold each other's tight again, and we were both too emotional to think straight. And he kissed me on the cheek. I can't believe he did it, and in the CIA main room. It was so sweet the way he did it. I still can feel the warmth of his lips on my cheek, and the way we looked into each other's eyes after it. All I wanted was for him to put his lips on mine. It was a foolish thing to think, but I so wanted it. I knew it was never going to happen in a million years, but for a tiny solitary fraction of a second, I actually thought: This is it. It will happen. But no, it didn't. It's the Forbidden Fruit.
Can you explain to me why a simple kiss would crash our worlds forever?
Because it wouldn't end in a simple kiss…and we both know it. We do.
"Hey." I said to Vaughn as I walked towards him in his CIA office.
"Hi." He simply answered looking at the papers on his desk.
"You wanted to talk to me?" This is so formal, I want to be sick.
"Yes." He took a small box that looked like a jewelry one, and gave it to me. It says Merry Christmas on it. I must have looked numb because he smiled. "Go ahead, open." They were gold earrings with a small ruby in the middle. I was speechless.
"Vaughn…I…" There were just something mischievous in his eyes, and I could swear I've seen him giggle. He cleared his throat before speaking.
"Those were made by our tech guy, when you press on the ruby, a picture will be taken of the view you give them." He smiled. "You thought I was giving them to you, huh?" I must look like a total idiot. You rat!
"Well, I just thought, when I saw it…you know…since you didn't give me any clue it was job related…" I could feel my cheeks burning. "You wanted me to think that, so stop it, would you?" And then he burst out laughing.
"Yeah, I was playing you. It was really funny to see your face though, I can't say I won't do it again…" And he gave me his most charming smile that disarmed me totally.
"Be careful, I might just do the same but I'll do it when you won't see it coming." Does he know Sneaky Sydney?
"I can't wait." Then again with the smile.
"You're rather on a good mood today?" What's with him?
"Because I'm morose usually?" He asked, looking surprised.
"No…just not that, happy."
"Maybe because I cherish life more now."
"For the SD-6 mission, we want the pictures of the plans where they are cultivating the serum."
"No problem, this will be easy." As I'm about to leave the office, I bump into Weiss. "Hi!" I tell him with a huge smile, before hugging him and kissing him on the cheek.
"Hi Sydney!" He cheerfully said. "Wow, I'd be willing to get more bullets in my neck if it's to receive such a treatment when I get back." He looked at Vaughn. "Mike, I hope she gave you the same treatment?"
"Nope." Vaughn said to Weiss. "But lets not forget she did save my life. Twice."
"You have a point there my friend." Those two in a party must be something to look at. "Hey buddy, you wanna grab a pizza after work?" Weiss turned to me. "Sorry Sydney, I'd invite you, but Mike promised me a private Drag Queen dance…" I burst out laughing. "and it's time I get it." He added.
"Oh yes, Weiss, about that," Vaughn was playing along with him, "I must tell you I forgot to shave this morning."
"Wonderful!" Weiss said, his hands joined in a joyful manner. "Will I get to do it?"
"I better go before I hear too much of this…" I told them giggling.
"Oh Syd…?" Vaughn asked.
"Don't forget the earrings." Oh right, the earrings.
I made her blush from embarrassment. It was so sweet the way she looked at me when she thought I was giving her the earrings. I don't know why I acted as if I was giving them to her, I guess I just wanted to see what she would do if I gave her a nice gift. I got my answer: she'd be pleased.
Wow, it's almost 2:00 in the morning, and I'm tired as hell. Weiss made me eat pizza and drink beer all night. Good thing I took a cab to come back home. Home. It doesn't look like a home to me. A home is more comfy than that, and it's warmer too. Here, it's cold. Cold and empty. Empty from Sydney. Ah man, stop thinking about her.
Weiss is in his Carpe Diem mode after he's been shot, he told me I should tell Sydney my real feelings and not wait until she gets a bullet herself. It was a nice picture, really, Weiss telling me how I could find her dead one day, and be all sad that I didn't tell her I loved her. Sigh! He was exaggerating, of course, it's Weiss, but he wasn't wrong in what he was saying. There's truth in it. I know I have to tell her. And I will.
I take off my clothes and went into the shower. Ah…that's better, the hot water is making me relax.
I poured myself a nice cup of tea, and sat on the sofa. It's 3am. Sydney left for Sweden. She must be in the plane right now, probably sleeping, or reading her steps to follow in the mission. I hope everything will go right, I have a weird feeling. It's probably because of what Weiss said to me tonight. I'll kill him if I don't sleep at all! But Jack is with her for that mission because Dixon had a sick kid to take care of. I know Jack will protect her if something happens, he is her father after all, yes, SpyDaddy will look after her.
So I went to bed at 3:30, and turned over and over again getting all tangled in the sheets until I finally found sleep an hour later.
I woke up all sweaty, and it showed 5:00 on the clock. I sat right up in my bed, trying to calm my breathing. Something was wrong, I could feel it. Something was very wrong.
To be continued….