May 2012 – CPOV

While heading into the I-5, direction of Bainbridge Island, my Blackberry rings.


"Yo, bro! Already on your way for the weekend of your life?"

"I'm on my way Elliot, I am fifteen minutes away from the ferry. I'll probably arrive at the cottage in about one hour."

"Good, see you then."

"Bye Elliot."

I am meeting Elliot at my parents cottage on Bainbridge Island. Elliot has been there since Wednesday. My parents asked him to go over the house. My mom thinks it needs some painting and renovating. We are planning on hiking, sailing or whatever comes to mind.

Cruising down the I-5 I think about my life and how it has changed over this past year.

While the song Monster from Imagine Dragons fills the car my mind drifts back to the day I ended my contract with Leila, my submissive.

I was never one for pretenders,
Everything I tried to be,
Just wouldn't settle in (oh oh oh oh)

I came home that evening still fucking mad from the fuck-up that was happening at GEH. We've spend months on this deal and now it all was going to shit. Even after firing two fuckers, I didn't feel any better. I thought that a good playroom session with Leila would help me to relax.

Stepping in to my bedroom that same evening I caught Leila snooping around.

If I told you what I was,
Would you turn your back on me?
And if I seem dangerous,
Would you be scared?
I get the feeling just because
Everything I touch isn't dark enough
That this problem lies in me

She knew that my bedroom was off-limits. So being the bad-ass Dominant that I was, I dragged her to the Playroom. I took the belt, that was hanging there, just waiting for me…and I punished her. She knew the consequences.

I hit her fifteen times and didn't hold back. I unleashed all the anger I had cropped up inside. I told her to count every strike and to thank me after-wards. "Leila, I am going to hit you 15 times, I want you to count and thank me after-wards."

"Yes, Master." She replied

When I was finished with her, her backside was a bright red and it was starting to bruise. My eyes then looked at the belt in my hands and memories of my birthmother's pimp came flooding in my brain.

Fuck! Fuck! I was a sick son of a bitch. I was no better than the pimp! I actually enjoyed beating and hurting women. Women that looked like my crack-whore mother.

I never hit someone to the point of bruising!

I'm only a man with a candle to guide me,
I'm taking a stand to escape what's inside me.
A monster, a monster,
I've turned into a monster,
A monster, a monster,
And it keeps getting stronger

I dropped the belt as it was on fire. I took Leila by the elbow and brought her to her room and left her there. I couldn't even look at her.

I terminated the contract the same evening. I was done. I was disgusted with myself.

The minute Leila left I called Flynn and asked Taylor to dismantle the playroom.

I take a deep breath and search another song. Shaking my head I try to shake away those horrible memories.

The iPod shuffles to another song. Happy from Pharell Williams. I smile to myself. Mia put this song on my iPod. Figures.

My sister Mia, she can be terribly annoying, and when she starts talking…fuck she just doesn't seem able to stop herself! But I still remember the day that my parents brought her home. She was so small and soft and smelled so nice. I made it my mission that day to protect her and take care of her.

I wish that I could be as carefree as my little sister. Happy… could I be happy? Even if I have left the lifestyle I still need control. Everything is scheduled, neat and in control.

Flynn says I need to let go of the control once in a while. I snort… Flynn…

"You need to learn how to walk before you run Christian" He has said that to me countless times.

The last nine months my sessions with Flynn have been horrendous. He told me to focus on something that I want to achieve. "What do you want in life Christian?" Flynn asked me time and time again.

"How the fuck do I know what I want Flynn? I know what I don't want! I don't want to hit little, Brown haired girls anymore, I don't want to live in fear of what my family should find out, I don't want to be alone anymore."

Flynn didn't get upset about me raising my voice, he just tapped on his fucking stupid notebook, that was resting on his boney knees. When he finally was done, he looked me in the eye and said "Well, at least you know what you don't want, now focus on what you do want." And that was that!

When I just glared at him, he continued with a sigh "Look Christian, you have to have patience, even Rome wasn't build in one day." I fucking hate it when he talks in riddles. And patience? I am not a patient man. I. don't. do. Patient. When I want things done, I want them done yesterday. It's that way in business and it as hell is the same way in my private life.

Control…I play with the word in my head for a minute. I gave up control the minute I became Elena's submissive. And what good did it bring me? Not. A. Fucking. Thing.

I became this cold, hard, calculated businessman. I held everyone at a distance not wanting them to find out about my fucked-up-ness. Both my past as well as my present were tainted with darkness.

Elena really fucked me over. Telling me that love was for fools.

It only dawned to me how wrong our arrangement was when my mom asked me to volunteer with an event that was organized by 'The Coping Together' charity. The event was called 'Waves'. Since a few board members owned a boat, they arranged a day out on Puget Sound for kids who lived in

The parents, already dead or in rehab, the kids were placed in foster homes waiting to be adopted. I finally succumbed to my mothers pleas and volunteered in taking six kids, three boys and three girls out on 'The Grace'. There was also a social worker on board in case things should get out of control.

It was that day, watching the kids interacting, playing card games, laughing and swimming that I saw that they where just 14 and 15 year old kids…kids. Sure they had their own fucked-up-ness, but they were kids. These kids where victims of their parents actions.

This kids were the same age I was when Elena started fucking with my mind. I was vulnerable and I guess I fell victim to her perversity.

Until today I believe that in some twisted way she helped me, but she should have never made me her submissive.

Maybe if she hadn't I eventually would have had a date and a girlfriend. Someone who I could trust.

Someone I could take care of and someone who would take care of me and eventually someone who I could love.

But she always kept saying that I was too fucked up. That people that practiced BDSM never did love. A dominant / submissive relationship was about fucking not about stupid emotions…love and pain didn't match up. And I craved the pain.

It was from that day that I kept my distance from Elena. I just couldn't be in her proximity without feeling sick.

I shake my head again a shudder. I Intent to have a good time and give up control for this weekend. Well maybe a little…

When I finally arrive at the cottage I see Elliot slumped in a chair on the front porch drinking a beer.

"Hey bro!" he shouts "Grab yourself a beer and relax."

Walking in the cottage to leave my bag inside I look around "Fuck Elliot, what the hell have you done to this place?"

"Dude, chill will ya?! You know what they say huh? It first has to get worse, before it gets better. And by the way, "your highness" your room is all clean and neat, so don't go all CEO on me."

We sit in silence, enjoying our beers and watching kids play at the beach. Hmm, seems my brother can be quiet. Suddenly we hear loud music coming from a house nearby.

"What's that?" I ask Elliot.

"Hmmm, I believe that we a have a new neighbor. I saw a moving truck passing by a few hours ago, followed by some chick on a motorcycle and then another chick in a Mercedes CLK."

"Mom told me that the old lady that used to live there, passed away last year. I believe it's her granddaughter who is moving in there now."

I am wracking my brain…old lady? I don't remember an old lady. Yeah Grey, why would you? You where always busy with your own fucked up life!

'Yeah don't you remember, she used to bake this really nice muffins". I believe her name was Mrs. Steele… she was a really nice lady. She had kind of a soft spot for Mia. She said she reminded her of her own granddaughter."

"Fuck Elliot, you sound like a chick…".

He just shrugs…

We order some pizza's and talk about Grey Construction. Elliot is doing well with his business. In a month he will be starting with a huge project nearby Pike Place. If that turns out good it will give his company a big boost.

When I look up I see that Elliot has this mischievous grin plastered on his face.

"Elliot, do I want to know what you're thinking?"

Laughing he says "Sure you do bro. Look, I told you that there are two chicks at that house huh? Well, I was thinking, we should go and introduce ourselves, I mean that's what real gentleman do, maybe offer our help and then we will see how things flow."

I raise my eyebrows looking at him. "Elliot" I start "I believe that they should be coming over to us to introduce themselves as the new neighbors and not the other way around."

Elliot is looking at me as if I have completely lost my mind "Dude live a little will ya, and then, mom would be so proud of us if we would behave all gentlemanly." He says wiggling his eyebrows.

I shake my head. I can't believe this. "Elliot, I always thought you weren't listening when mom was telling us all that shit about etiquette."

He grins and says "Yeah, well I probably zoned out a couple of times you know? But I think I got the basics. So what do you think man? Are you game? Just lose that stick up your ass for just this weekend dude. I promise it will be fun. And what's the worst that can happen? If the girls are a bunch of ugly cows, we deliver our gifts and get the hell out there. So are you game Christian?"

"I'm Game !" And we seal our deal with a high-five.

I mean what's the worst that can happen right? I think to myself. Since I usually am not very comfortable in those kinds of settings, my guess is that we will be out of there in five minutes.

"Hey, you are going for a run in the morning Elliot?."

"Yup, I'll wake you."

The next morning I am woken up by my brother banging at my door "Come on bro, get your ugly ass out of bed, we are going for a run."

I put on my work-out clothes and join Elliot in the kitchen.

"Fuck, Elliot you know what time is right?" I finally drifted off to sleep last night at 3:00 am, so I think I've had only had a few hours sleep…fucking nightmares.

"Yeah, you don't need beauty sleep man, I mean nothing to do about that ugly face of yours so shut up and get going."

Elliot never was a morning person.

After our run we stop at Bainbridge Bakery for a light lunch. During lunch we discuss what to get 'the chicks' as Elliot keeps calling them. We decide to buy them a bottle of wine from one of the local wineries and a wicker basket with soft pink peonies.

When we finally reach our parent's cottage it's almost five in the evening. We hit the shower and head over to our new neighbor.

Elliot is carrying the bottle of wine and I have the basket. I feel like a complete fool with this basket. I'd rather have chosen a 'normal' bouquet, but Elliot insisted, saying that girls totally love that romantic shit. Whatever. Why did I let him talk me into this again? Oh yeah, something about letting go control…

It's a wooden cottage painted in yellow and white. The house is surrounded by a white picket fence which is adorned by white roses. Next to the house is a big shed, with a Mercedes CLK parked at the front. We knock on the door and wait. We hear stumbling and finally the door opens.

What the hell? This can't be the new neighbor? No! No! No!