When you're left by the person you love, there's a pain that comes with that that doesn't ever fade. I'm scared. I'm scared of losing touch with you, of forgetting how you look in the morning when you're half awake, I'm scared of forgetting the sound of your voice and how you say my name, I'm scared of forgetting the feeling of your lips on mine but most of all I'm scared of you moving on and kissing someone else.
For three years I have been in love with you, and I know I've told you this a million times. But because of this, my heart is breaking even worse. I've never had such a serious relationship before, I've been in love, of course, but you were my first real relationship so I messed up a lot. All I can do is apologize for that. I can now see how much I've changed and I don't like who I am, so yeah I am going to find that girl again and force her stupid ass back. She's gonna be sooo pissed when she finds out I pushed you away, though, so hopefully I survive, haha.
God, I can't apologize enough for how I've been. I could stay and beg you to come back for hours, but I know you won't and I can't really blame you. I'd gone too far, I know. I can't sleep at night because I just pray to go back in time and take that day back. But that's impossible, so I'm stuck here regretting it. And regret and heartache is an awful, awful mix. I just don't want to wake up in the morning, because I know I won't ever wake up and see your car out front again, I won't ever hear you say you love me and I won't ever feel your arms around me when I'm sleeping. And this isn't to make to feel guilty, not in any way. I don't want you to feel guilty, you done the right thing, I just never expected this.
I wish we could go back to that day we went to Sfx. It was prefect, it was stressful and messy; yes, but it was great. Remember we got lost looking for your brother's school, then we got back and I cut your hair so badly and you spent ages in the bathroom trying to fix what I'd done (I was so convinced I could just wing a haircut perfectly, haha) and then we spent one hour at Sfx (wait, you did get drunk beforehand and pour pringles all over the train!) then we left early and were stranded at the station for hours on end. It was freezing cold, but I'd never felt safer, in the middle of the night and far away from a warm bed, I'd never felt more safe because I was with you.
Because you're my home, I feel more comfortable with you then I do at my own house, I feel warm and happy around you, I feel like a stupid lovestruck teenager. And I'm sorry I took seeing you for those days for granted, I was just selfish, I wanted to spend every day with you, I wanted to end every night with you and wanted to start every morning with you. I wanted to just hold you in bed forever, and we all know I have tried that before.
I already miss you so much, I miss you for all the little things you used to do. Like kiss me on the forehead and the top of my head, or randomly squeeze me in bed, when you'd pull me in to cuddle you, or just send me a message out of nowhere. I'm praying that you give me a second chance when I get my life sorted and find my old self again. And hopefully that's soon, because I'm finding it so hard living without you. I'm even going to miss giving you massages after you've been working. But those you could always come to me for, I won't ever say no to you, no matter what you need or want, I'll always be here for you.
You're a great man, and I think we're perfect together, just not this version of me. I want you to trust me right now, trust me that I'll find her, trust me that this version of me I will get rid of, no more arguing and no more complaining. Not ever (well maybe if I get shot, because that would really hurt!). Trust me that I will get you back, I know you don't believe in second chances, you've once told me that, but I think I'd be worth the gamble, because I would move mountains for you. You're the love of my life, and if I'm really lucky, I'm the love of your life, and soon enough you'll be mine again, because I'm always going to your's, I'm willing to wait for you as long as it takes. I need you to know that more than anything. I love you much S.T .