Title: Confessions of Storybrooke Housewives
Rating: M (use of language, sexual human, and explicit sexual content)
Characters: Regina/Evil Queen; Mary Margaret/Snow White; Ruby/Little Red Riding Hood; Emma; Belle; Tinkerbell; Marian; Robin Hood; David/Prince Charming; Will Scarlet/The Knave; Killian/Captain Hook; Mr. Gold/Rumple; Jefferson/Mad Hatter; Archie/Jiminy Cricket; Granny
Pairings: Regina/Robin Hood; Snow/Charming; Emma/Hook; Belle/Rumple; Marian/Archie; Tinkerbell/Jefferson; Ruby/Will
Premise; With the curse lifted, Ruby is able to attend college. For the most part she loves it. Until one of her professors gives her an assignment that has the wives of Storybrooke telling her things she never wanted to know.
Author's Note: This is my first attempt at writing something of this nature, so please bear with me as I am certain there will be errors. If you do spot an error you are more than welcome to point it out. One thing I do ask is that if you feel a character is OOC and you feel the need to tell me please include why you think the character is OOC. I can't fix something if I don't know what it is I am supposed to be fixing. Most of all I want you to enjoy this little bit of fun! I would also like to make note of the fact that some of the characters are going to do and say things you might not like. They're going to be airing dirty laundry that may or may not exist on the show. Please do not take that as I don't like the pairing or that I
Dedication: For my friend Jess in Germany! I hope this makes you smile.
Chapter Title: The Assignment
Characters: Ruby/Red Riding Hood; Granny
Gripping the steering wheel of her bright red, Super Sport Camaro, Ruby stared at the front of her grandmother's diner. Nothing about the place had changed in the six months that she had been gone to college. The windows were still so clean that they sparkled, the blossoms of Granny's potted plants were still the brightest around, and, a smile tweaked the corners of Ruby's crimson lips, Leroy still liked sitting at the front counter. Letting out the breath she hadn't known she was holding, Ruby relaxed her grip on the steering wheel and reached down with her right hand to pull the key from the ignition. No matter how much was dreading going in and telling Granny that she might fail one of her classes because of some stupid study she couldn't conduct, Ruby knew she couldn't stay in her car either; it was too noticeable, which meant it was pointless trying to hide, avoid, or whatever. She pasted a brilliant smile on her mouth and climbed out of the car, smirking a little when caught sight of a vaguely familiar man in a leather jacket looking her up and down. Eat your heart out, she thought, glad that she had opted for her black leather leggings and red fuck me high heels, instead of the sloppy sweats and Uggs that had, sadly, become her college freshman uniform. Storybrooke was home, not the University of Maine, though, and everyone here had expectations; at least where Ruby's wardrobe was concerned. Shooting the mystery man a quick wink before entering the busy diner, Ruby mentally prepared herself for the onslaught of questions she knew would be coming her way. Was she enjoying college? Did she miss home? Was she dating anyone? Yes, she was enjoying college; even though she hated it. Yes, she missed home; there were nights she cried herself to sleep she missed it so much. No, she wasn't dating anyone; the men in this realm were either total jackasses who thought no meant yes or they had the same obsession with red lip stick and high heels that she had. No, she wasn't having any trouble with her memory; though if she were it would make life easier.
"Hey Granny," she called over the din of conversing diners.
"Ruby!" Her grandmother's face lit up. "Thank God! I'm down a waitress and swamped. Grab an apron."
A grimace twisted Ruby's pretty face. Of course. Typical Granny. No how are you. No I've missed you. No what are you doing home before Thanksgiving. Just...grab an apron. Fighting the urge to turn around and walk back out to her car, Ruby strode across the diner and stepped behind the counter. She picked up one of the frilly little aprons the waitresses were expected to wear and tied it around her waist. "Where do you want me to start," she asked, trying to keep the resentment from her voice.
"Check on customers. Refill drinks. And if anyone new comes in grab their order." With that edict, her grandmother disappeared into the kitchen.
Welcome home, she thought sarcastically, grabbing the coffee carafe.
The next two hours flew by and all thoughts of the ridiculous study her professor wanted her to do went by the way side. It wasn't until Granny forced her into a chair, set a plate with a cheeseburger on it and an icy coke in front of her, and demanded to know how she was fairing at that over priced school that she remembered why she had chosen to come home, instead of spending the weekend on campus like she usually did. "Truthfully?"
"Truth is usually best."
No, she thought, not really. The problem with telling the truth was the truth was often messy and most people didn't want to deal with the mess. They all claimed they did, but they didn't, not really. What they really wanted was a cleaned up version of things; something they could feel good about. Ruby didn't hold any delusions that her grandmother was any different from the rest of the world; except Gran didn't mind cleaning up a mess. "I've got this assignment," she started, her heart and stomach clenching. "I'm not sure I can do it."
Except it was obvious from Granny's tone that she didn't see. Not really. Ruby bit back a sigh and slumped in her seat; the leather of her pants squeaking against the vinyl of the chair cushion. "It's for my Marriage and the family class," she explained. It had been stupid of her to think that she could take a class entitled Marriage and the Family and not run into problems. When she had signed up for the course she had let herself forget that she wasn't originally from this realm and that when the moon was full she transformed into a wolf. She'd let herself forget that she didn't have a family. Not in the traditional sense that the people of this realm seemed to covet. She hadn't grown up with two parents setting examples; bad or good. All she had her granny. Granny who was a crack shot with a cross bow and an excellent at tricking people into thinking frozen lasgna was home made. Not that Ruby was complaining about her Granny. She wasn't. She appreciated everything her grandmother had ever done for her. Granny just hadn't equipped her enough for a class that revolved around understanding the dynamics of relationships and family. Up until this latest assignment she had been able to wing it. She had played off the fact that both her parents were dead and she'd been raised by a rather eccentric grandmother in a very private community. That sympathy card had expired with this latest assignment. Interview six married or seriously committed women. It seemed so simple. And it probably was. Or it would be. If Ruby knew six women who were married or seriously committed. When she said as much to her Granny her grandmother surprised her by swatting her upside her head. "Ow!" She rubbed the offended spot. "What was that for?"
"For being such a dumb ass," Granny snapped.
Ruby narrowed her eyes. She knew it would do no good to tell her grandmother to lower her voice; which meant half of Storybrooke now knew that Granny Lucas thought her only living relative, Ruby, was a dumb ass. There was no telling what story would be concocted as to why Granny felt that way. Rumors seemed to thrive and fly in Storybrooke. "Would you rather I make something up? I've tried that already!" And earned herself a warning. Her professor had caught on to her fabrication within minutes of reading her first report. Interviewing her parents. He'd been understanding when she admitted that the reason she had falsified the report was her parents were dead. He'd let her off with a very clear warning: if she was caught falsifying another report she would be dropped from the class. She needed the class. Therefore she couldn't risk falsification again. Which meant she had two options. 1. Tell the professor she couldn't do the assignment and take a C or 2. Find six normal women who were married or in a serious relationship who were willing to answer some rather personal questions. Since she didn't know six women who were married or in a serious relationship, she would have to take the C would hurt but not as much as getting kicked out of the class. "I'm just going to tell the professor I can't do it and take a C."
"Like hell you are!" Once more Ruby felt people staring at her. Wonderful. Now the rumors really would fly. "Why would you take a lower grade when you have plenty of people right here in Storybrooke that you can interview?"
"Fairytale people," Ruby shot back. It wasn't as though she hadn't thought about interviewing Mary Margaret or some of the other wives in town. She had. And she had come to the conclusion that it would be of no use. What did they know about marriage in this realm? None of them had met in a believable way and the obstacles they had all faced in their marriages, or relationships, weren't obstacles they would face in this realm. She could see the look on her professor's face now if she turned in a report that included Snow White and Prince Charming. He would accuse her of making shit up...again.
"Real people," Granny countered. "Real people with real relationships. Why just this morning Mary Margaret was complaining that she's the only one who gets up with the baby. And just last week Emma was telling me that her father and Killian hate each other. Said the two can't be in the same room without trying to kill each other."
Knitting her brow together, Ruby thought about all the various issues they had discussed in class and compared them to the things her grandmother had told her about Mary Margaret and Emma. For the first time since the assignment had been passed out she felt a ray of hope. She could do this. She could interview Mary Margaret and Emma about their relationships. Two out of six women wasn't so bad. Maybe they would give her enough information that she could create four more realistic women. Scooting her chair back, Ruby rose to her feet. "Where do you think you're going," her grandmother demanded.
"To Mary Margaret's."
"Not until after the dinner rush you're not!"
This time Ruby didn't bother biting back the curses that were forming in her mouth. She wasn't there to wait tables, damn it! She was there to complete an assignment. Okay, so yeah, she had originally come home to lick her wounds and to accept the fact that she was going to have a bad grade. Now that she knew she had viable women to interview, she was there to do the interview. It did no good to argue with her grandmother about that point though. Granny was quick to point out that without the income from the diner to pay for her fancy land without magic education there wouldn't be a class to complete assignments for. Tucking her chin against her chest, Ruby sent a text to Mary Margaret, giving her the details of the assignment and asking if she and Emma would be interested in being interviewed. A few minutes later her phone buzzed with a return text. It was from Emma rather than Mary Margaret.
MM is busy with Neal. He's teething. She says to tell ya she's in. So am I. I hope you don't mind but since Regina was here to pick up Henry, I asked her if she was interested in helping you out as well and she said yes.
A grim smile tightened on Ruby's lips. She didn't know how she felt about including Regina. Especially since the last time Ruby had been home Regina had been trying to get over Robin deciding to stay with his wife, Marian. Maybe there was a new guy? She shrugged. Even if there wasn't, Regina had been married. Ruby could tweak things so it sounded as though Regina's husband was still alive, rather than dead. That meant she was up to three women and she was absolutely certain she could work with that. She started to slide her phone back into her pocket when it buzzed again. An unknown number this time.
Ruby. It's Regina. Emma gave me your number. She said you were looking for women to interview for some assignment. How many do you need?
Her first thought was she was going to kill Emma for giving Regina her phone number. Her second thought was please don't let Regina be backing out. She sent a quick text back.
Ideally 6 but I can work with 3.
Moments later her phone buzzed again.
Have you spoken with Belle, Marian, or Tinkerbell?
No. Ruby had only spoken with Mary Margaret, and apparently Emma...who had a big mouth. Belle wasn't a bad idea. She had been married to Rumple for about seven months now. Marian and Tinkerbell though? Ruby wasn't so sure about them. It would be awkward having Marian and Regina in the same room and Tinkerbell, was she was a fairy, which meant she was pretty much a nun since fairies didn't engage in sexual activities or form emotional attachments. Or they hadn't in the Enchanted Forest. Who knew about this land! Beggers couldn't be choosers though, so Ruby asked Regina if she knew who to get a hold of Marian and Tinkerbell. Belle would be easy. Ruby had the number to Gold's Pawn Shop.
You tell me the time and place and I will make sure all three are there.
Quirking her brow up, Ruby couldn't help but wonder what the hell was going on. She didn't ponder on it too long. She didn't have time. The diner was filling up again. She sent a quick text off asking if they could meet at Regina's office around 8.
Sliding her phone into her back pocket, Ruby grabbed an order pad and a pen. Humming an annoying song she'd heard on the radio about an anaconda she started towards a table where two dwarfs had taken a seat.