I've posted this in a few various places, but felt the need to put this on here, seeing as I haven't uploaded anything in like...4 years. So yes, it's short and weird and written in about 3 minutes at 2:30 in the morning.


you used to press your palms into your eyes and sit in silence for what seemed like hours at a time. i would watch you, you know. i would watch you sitting and wonder what you were doing. what were you looking for?
i asked you, once. asked you why you were doing that and what you were trying to look at. you said that it wasn't anything you were trying to look at, it was something you were trying to see. you said that every time you close your eyes, you don't think you're looking at anything. but if you try...if you really try you can see. you can see little white spots that dance and float and shift into patterns of stars and snowflakes and clouds and air. you can focus on one tiny blur until it has definition, edges and curves and colors and life. but not for long. it only takes a few seconds for them to fade away, or change, or disappear.
and then i asked you why you would want to see that. and you asked me a question. you asked me why you would want to go through your entire life never having seen something that had always been with you. you asked why i even had to ask. "why wouldn't i want to see that?" you asked me.
i've always remembered that. i've thought about it and asked myself the same question. and so now that you're gone, i try. i sit in this coldlonelyempty apartment for hours at a time and press my palms into my eyes and attempt to focus my vision on any one spot or blur or shape. i can't do it, though, and i weep. i'm upset that i fail, but the real reason i sobscream like i do is because i know that i'll never be able to. i will go through my entire life never having seen something that has always been with me. because that's the way i work.
i went my entire life never having seen you, and you had always been with me. but now it's too late. you're gone, now, and i have no chance. i'll never see those beautiful dances behind my eyelids that you were so captivated by. i know i could have done it if you had told me how, if you were here to help me. but you're gone, and i'll never, ever be able to see.