I don't think there is anything to excuse my lateness in updating, and so I wont try.

icekestrel ~ He he, thanks. And I stole Arbron from the Animorph books.

Sara Dawson ~ Wow, um, thanks! Really, I mean it, thanks! You really like Ron and Lavender's insane-ness? Well, Fido is actually named after a dog's pet flea in a children's Christmas cartoon I saw all the way back in 2002, but he could be named after FFN's Dido too. And one more time, Thanks!!!

Selphie ~ Aw, thanks! And I was hit by a bit of writers block, but it's going away. Slowly.

Meiko ~ Thanks! Email going out....now!

Katani Petitedra ~ S'okay that you didn't review! Glad you liked the chapter!

LoonyLoopyLisa ~ Hey, thank you! And don't worry, I'll email!

annamorphs ~ Glad you like it!

Clairchen ~ Sorry for taking so long that you lost track, hope it doesn't happen again! As for the riddle, you are of course the former 'bella trix'! (And no, figuring that out had nothing to do with why I've been so slack, so no worries)

Naomi SilverWolf ~ From the laugh, I shall take a wild guess and believe that you found it funny. And for that, I thank you.

Lita of Jupiter ~ I swear I nearly passed out when I read your review! Shhhhhh! I am SO not telling what Dumbledore's been giving the students! Glad you like it!

Do enjoy the chapter, wont you?


Ron, What ARE You Doing?

By SilverWolf7007

Chapter Seven

ARBRON: Having run to the dungeons with them, Snape really had no choice but to let Hermione, Fred, George, Seamus, Dean and Neville to his private quarters. After all, he couldn't exactly leave them susceptible to the presence of Lockhart and Skeeter. And so, they ended up in front of a portrait of a pink kitten.

SNAPE: James Potter is god.

EVERYONE ELSE: (Not realising that it's the password) (Stares) Huh?!?

SNAPE: (Rolls eyes) Dumbledore, damn him, picked both the portrait and the PASSWORD to my quarters.

EVERYONE ELSE: Oooohhhhhh.

ARBRON: Snape's quarters were exactly as any of them would have guessed if they had ever spent any time speculating about how the Potions Master would live - green, silver, black and dark.

HERMIONE: Gosh, this is gloomy.

SEAMUS: Yeah. And I can't see properly.

ARBRON: To demonstrate this, he 'accidentally' ran into Dean, who smacked him around the back of the head.

DEAN: Prat.


SNAPE: (Sighs wearily) Sit down; I'll send for something from the kitchens.

FRED: (Hopefully) Hot chocolate?

SNAPE: Sure.

ARBRON: And that was how a bunch of Gryffindor fifth and seventh years ended up drinking hot chocolate with the head of Slytherin house. Meanwhile, off in the North Tower........

RITA: Oh, I know it's this way, somehow!

LOCKHART: How do you know that Trelawny will help us anyway?

RITA: Because she hates that Potter brat as much as we do!

LOCKHART: (Is thrilled) Really?

RITA: Oh yes. She's spent the past two years predicting his death over and over again!

LOCKHART: You truly are a treasure, Rita. And nearly as pretty as me!

RITA: (Blushes) You really think so Gilderoy?

LOCKHART: Of course I do.

ARBRON: And we'll stop that scene RIGHT there, in case of poor readers becoming traumatized by what soon dissolved into a sickening display of terminal cuteness (involving small pink hearts appearing).

Ahem. Anyway, after the disappearance of the fly they had been mistaking for Fido the Evil Flea of DOOOOOM (Thanks to a slow-working fly poison Filch had used the day before), Ron and Lavender had decided to go on the offensive.

RON: We can't let it scare us like this anymore!

LAVENDER: Yeah! We've got bug spray, and flea powder too!

RON: It-That-Shall-Be-Reviled wont rule our lives!

LAVENDER: (Suddenly scared) Eeep! Er, Ron?

RON: (Ignores her in favour of his own speech) We must reclaim our freedom -

LAVENDER: (Even more panicked) Ron?!

RON: - from it, and.......(Annoyed) What, Lavender?!?!

LAVENDER: (Meekly) It's behind you.

RON: (Spins around) AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!



ARBRON: They ran, ending up in a broom cupboard that was conveniently filled with fly spray and flea powder.

RON & LAVENDER: (Sigh in relief)

ARBRON: Back in Voldie's Evil Lair, Draco had asked the question, "So, what are we going to do now?" Voldemort, Harry, Lucius and Draco himself were now trying to figure this out.

LUCIUS: (Getting more and more eager as he goes) What about chess? I could play Draco, and Voldemort could play Harry, and then the winners and losers face off against each other, and then the winners of those matches could play to find the chess champion!

HARRY: (Dryly) Or not. I don't do chess.

DRACO: Then what?

VOLDEMORT: We could play Simon Says? Nagini could be Simon.

DRACO: But only you and Harry can understand her.

LUCIUS: We could transfigure Wormtail back and traumatise him?

HARRY: Hmmmmmm.........That could work.

VOLDEMORT: You'd have to change him back, Harry, because only you know the spell.

HARRY: Okay. (Opens container and waves wand. Nothing happens except Wormtail rolling his mashed eyes) Huh. (Sees eyes) That is disturbing. I think I'M going to end up traumatised if we keep going like this!

VOLDEMORT: Can you change him back?

HARRY: Nope.

VOLDEMORT: Well, there's that idea down the drain.

ALL: (Think in silence for five minutes)

VOLDEMORT: Hey Harry, Draco, d'you two want to become Death Eaters?

DRACO: Can I miss out on the tattoo?

HARRY: Can I be your partner and the second evil Dark Lord instead?

VOLDEMORT: Yes and yes.


LUCIUS: Uh, do I have to call Harry 'My Lord' now?

HARRY: Of course not! You and Draco are the special privileged Death Eaters.

DRACO: And I don't have to have the butt-ugly tattoo!

VOLDEMORT: Heh heh heh, the Death Eaters don't know it, but it's made to look that way to annoy them.

HARRY: (Admiring) You are EVIL.

VOLDEMORT: I know. It's why we'll work so well together, Harry. Because you're pretty evil yourself.

HARRY: Aw, thanks.

ARBRON: And while Harry was turning to the Dark Side, Ginny and Percy (with help from Cedric) had been telling Cho what had been going on.

CEDRIC: And the reason that Ron and Lavender have gone insane is *BEEEEEEEEEEEP*


CEDRIC: Damn! I don't seem to be able to tell you!

CHO: I guess if you were sent here to tell Harry, he's the only one you can tell.

CEDRIC: I suppose so.

PERCY: Well, while we're waiting for Harry to come back so you can tell him, d'you want to help me play a prank and vandalise the castle?

CEDRIC: I'd love to! Girls?

GINNY: Sorry, but I'll pass.

CHO: Same here. I'd rather not get myself expelled.

PERCY & CEDRIC: Fair enough. (They leave)

GINNY: Doesn't pose a problem for them, does it?

CHO: No. What with Percy having left and Cedric being dead.

GINNY: What do you think they're doing?

CHO: I don't even want to think about it.

ARBRON: In Hawaii, Remus and Sirius were working very hard to figure out what Dumbledore was doing.

REMUS: (Yawns) I never thought I'd say it, but laying on a beach in Hawaii is beginning to get boring.

SIRIUS: You're right, y'know. We ought to go somewhere else.

REMUS: Like where?

SIRIUS: (Grins evilly) We-ell........

ARBRON: And back in Harry & Voldemort's Evil Domain (renamed by Harry, in case you were wondering), Voldemort wasn't looking like his snake-faced self anymore. In fact, he spookily resembled his sixteen-year-old self instead. This was probably because Harry (sick of Voldie's previous appearance) had slipped a de-aging potion into his coke.

VOLDEMORT: We could always infiltrate Hogwarts for something to do.

HARRY: Actually, that's a good idea, Voldie.

VOLDEMORT: (Twitches) Stop calling me that!!!

HARRY: But Voldemort is so long......

VOLDEMORT: Well you're not calling me Voldie!

HARRY: What about Marvolo?


HARRY: Marv?



VOLDEMORT: N - oh all right.


LUCIUS: So, we're going to Hogwarts?


DRACO: And let's take Wormtail, too.

HARRY, LUCIUS & VOLDEMORT: (Stare in shock at the apparently insane Draco)

DRACO: (Rolls eyes impatiently) For amusement! And also to gross out squeamish Gryffindor lunatics.....

HARRY: *cough*RonandLavender*cough*

AVERY: (Having been standing in the corner since wandering in at Lucius's chess speech) Are you all right, My Lord? Do you want a lozenge?

HARRY: Uh, no thanks Avery.

VOLDEMORT: Maybe while we're there we can figure out WHY your friends have gone insane.

HARRY: Yeah.......Can we take Avery to carry things and be a general all- around slave boy?

VOLDEMORT: All right. Let's go then!

HARRY: (Snickers) Avery? Heel.

AVERY: (Moves to stand near Harry) Yes, My Lord.

HARRY: (Smirks evilly) Good dog.

AVERY: (Dryly) Woof.

DRACO: (Is a hysterically laughing pile on the floor)

LUCIUS: (Is in the same condition as his son)

VOLDEMORT: (Laughs) I knew I'd like you more if you were my fellow Dark Lord.

HARRY: I never knew being evil could be so fun!

ARBRON: So once Lucius and Draco peeled themselves off the floor, they joined their Lords, Avery and Wormtail (in his airtight container of course) on a journey that would probably only take them ten minutes - because they'd be able to PortKey in and walk to wherever they decided to go.

Back in Hawaii........

REMUS: C'mon Sirius, spill! What's the plan?

SIRIUS: Well at first I was thinking Azkaban, to terrorise the Dementors, but we can do that any old day. Why don't we go back to Hogwarts and see how everyone is fairing?

REMUS: (Grinning in delight) You mean go back to Hogwarts, hide from everyone and prank Snape?

SIRIUS: (Pleased that Remus understands just how his mind works) Exactly!

REMUS: Then let's go!


To be continued......(As if you couldn't guess).

So, until next time!

Please review!