Agony Yoda

Hello chums, it's been a while since I started a straight up comedy, and it's the first time I've tried my hand at a Star Wars comedy anyway, so let's get the ball rolling. I don't own any of the recognisable Star Wars characters, the omnipotent overlord GL does (*snort) so let's not sue me 'kay?! I don't know if this has been done, but I've never seen a story like this, so in my mind its original. Anyway, the plot (or lack thereof) is that everyone's favourite lil green Jedi Master is a little bored and strapped for Republic credits, so signs up to become the Jedi's resident Agony Uncle to solve all those oh so interesting Jedi problems, for all those who write in to the Jedi Chronicle. So please review, read with an open mind, I don't wanna offend anyone, and just enjoy!


The venerable Jedi master Yoda sat at his oversized desk, slowly reading through all the letters that flooded his low ceilinged quarters. He had made a bet with Mace Windu about who would be voted Miss Jedi Universe in the Jedi version of a beauty pageant this year, and now he owed Master Windu fifty Republic Credits. He had applied to the Jedi Chronicle newspaper that was in need of a wise Agony Aunt or Uncle to solve peoples worries, and Yoda knew there were none so wise as him, so applied. Already he was flooded with letters, so just picked them randomly from the floor, desk, and everywhere else the letters were stuck.

"Hmm, so interesting the trifling problems of the Jedi are, hmm, very interesting. Have enough credits to pay back the debt I owe to that cocky Windu soon I will, hmm."

Dear Agony Yoda

One day after a training session in the Temple, I made a bet with another Padawan about how far I could stick my lightsabre into one of my bodily orifices, now it is stuck. What should I do!?

Sore Padawan, Jedi Temple

Yoda thought for a moment before writing his reply.

First of all Padawan, tell you I must, STUPID ARE YOU! Costly lightsabres are hmm, yes. A dangerous mistake have you made, what would become of you if it were to activate, hmm? Even sorer you would be, yes, and considerably less watertight too hmm. Using the Force, see I can which orifice it has become lodged in (not a pretty sight, hmm?) , and tell you I can, painful it will be to remove, maybe a liquid diet would be advisable hmm? Go straight to the Medi-bay I would, amazed I am at how you manage to sit down, hmm, but be not foolish Padawan, a lesson I hope this has taught, Lightsabres are weapons, not toys, hmm?

Agony Yoda

Agony Yoda, How on Coruscant so gorgeous are you? Like I would, to nibble on your ears any day!

GORGEOUS AM I?! Master Yaddle, if playing a joke on me you are, graaave will the consequences be. Though say so I do, good I look for over 700 years hmm? Lotion I use, and a manicurist, though say that I shouldn't, envied my nails are, given away my secret is. Darn.

The Gorgeous Agony Yoda

Master Yoda

I am totally sick of my Master, he is really holding me down so I don't surpass him, I will be the greatest Jedi ever, you mark my words! How do I approach this subject with my master, you should make him let me take the trials, I am ready, REALLY!

Padawan Podracer

First of all Padawan, Arrogance leads to the dark side, ashamed should you be that ungrateful you are. Masters are chosen for Padawans carefully, the Jedi council itself approves all appointments of training. When ready you are, the trials shall you take, and ONLY ready will you be when deemed by your master and the council, if you are as good as you say, long you will have not to wait.

Master Yoda

Master Yoda,

I am not a member of the Jedi but as outside letters are allowed, I thought I would write. I have so many outfits, I don't know how to keep track, and my hair is in so many different styles I go through tons of conditioner every week. Can you advise me on being more organised and conservative?

Disorganised Senator.


Hmm, many answers your question has. Firstly senator, if Jedi you were, say to you I would that possessions take away from the essence of the Force and are unnecessary distractions, but as you are not a Jedi, use my age old and renowned wisdom I will.

Perhaps a numbering system you could keep, to list your outfits and when to wear them, or label them you could for different occasions, I am sure your attendants can help with organising, I am not so knowledgeable on this subject (THOUGH KNOWLEDGE I HAVE ON ALL THINGS OF COURSE!) as only one outfit I ever wear, consistency is key for a Jedi such as myself, and fashionable I do make these robes, if say so myself I do. As for hair, a newer product Essence of Wookie is, and as much hair they have, devised a new conditioner Looky Wookie Labs have, boost your hair's shine and bounce it will, with one spray, so that greasy or tangled your hair does not become, and perfect you will look for your conferences. Helpful I hope I was.

Master Yoda

Agony Yoda

When are you going to actually get off your little green backside and do some work around this Temple? Don't think I don't notice your attempts to slack off!

Sincerely M.W

Master Windu, disturb me not I told you! Hmm, Credits I need, to repay what I owe from our small wager! Jedi! Do not gamble, it is wrong, and draws away from the Force, (and if you do, gamble against Master Windu not, or skint will you be!)

Master Yoda

Dear mesa bombad friend Master Yoda

Mesa been havin a wee trouble. Sometimes mesa tinken nobody understands Jar Jar, and mesa findin dis right. Sometimes, mesa say tings that mesa chums don't be understanden. Been sayin I do talken funny some Senators do. Mesa wondering if mesa friend Agony Uncy Yoda can helpen mesa.

Be seein ya! Jar Jar

Jar Jar, sympathise with you I can, long ridiculed was I, because speak differently do I. But remember people do, how wise and cute I am, and soon forget do they. A different matter are you, Jedi you are not, so impress people it may be more trouble to. Strong and persistent must you be, hmm yes. Perhaps a speech coach you could employ, or some holotapes you could purchase. Exercises these will have, help you they can, to talk in the manner of other senators, though always remember Jar Jar, be yourself, if people like you not for who you are, their loss it is, though maybe sometimes you can be irritating hmm? Not like the wise and cute me! (A warning, Uncy Yoda call me not again, or up a place where the suns do not shine my lightsabre will be lodged, and feel like my earlier agonee 'Sore Padawan' will you) Blessed with my charm all cannot be, so do as I have instructed and results you will soon see!

'The bombad' Master Yoda

Master Yoda

Obi Wan said that the Jedi Records are incomplete, it is not true is it?! We Jedi know all, do we not? This would ruin my whole belief system, tell me the cheeky so-and-so is lying! A planet is not missing is it, if it isn't in the records it isn't there right? RIGHT?!

Madame Jocasta Nu

Madame Jocasta, calm must you be, breathe in and feel the Force. Now, lie the Jedi do not, and upon this particular occasion wiped from the archive an entry was, but there it once was, so wrong neither of you are. Tell Obi Wan to tease you not, for it has been added back, and knows he does that particular you are for order and all to be right. Lecture him I will, when repaid my debts I have. Worry not!

Master Yoda

Master Yoda put his pen down, and looked proudly at his handiwork.

"If Jedi I was not, then advice columnist I should have been, rule at it I do! But more I cannot fit on, suffice this must, until the next issue. How the people can get into such trouble is beyond me, ashamed they should be, aspire to be like me they should, infullable am I..."

"…Infallible meant I…hmm."


Okay that's all from Agony Yoda for now, what'd you all think, this was a much better idea in my head, but it wasn't that bad was it, and I did write it at around 4 A.M while I had the flu, okay I've explained myself plenty for this travesty! Please review, tell me what you think, and if you have any scary, strange or perplexing problems that only the…infallible Master Yoda can solve, leave them in your review or email em at! Oh and (Shameless plug alert!) you could always go and read my Obidala Futures Past if that's your cup of tea, if you don't like Obidalas then don't read if you'll be offended by it 'kay? Thanks y'all come back soon now!