Agony Yoda

Thanks to Hobbit for suggesting some agonies, so of course as there is no question Yoda cannot answer, they will be included. Thanks for coming to read, enjoy!

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Everyone's favourite lil green advice columnist was swimming in the sea of letters that had flooded his low ceilinged quarters, cackling to himself.

"Popular I am, my advice everyone in the galaxy wants, mwahaha, rich, famous and adored by all I will be…sinking I am, possible is it to drown in letters?! Eeep!" Yoda sank down to the middle of the pile, trying to hold his breath. Since he was already green he couldn't go many other colours, so we'll say he went…pink! Yes… and then gasped out.

"Hmm, breathe I can underletter, invaluable that will be tee hee… ooo a pretty green letter, read this one I will!" With that he grabbed the letter and resurfaced, jumping on top of all the letters and climbing over to his desk which was perched unsteadily on the top of the pile. Yoda opened up the letter and read the untidy scrawl of green crayon on the page.

"Hm, from my nephew Yeda this must be, problems I wonder what he has."

Dear Unca Yoda,
Mommy and myteacher r making me rite 2 u 4 a skool project. I have severl questions 4 u. Du u like Yaddle? is Padmé hot? If not, y not?
sinceery,
ur nefu Yeda!

Dear nephew Yeda. Teach you at your school what do they!? Unacceptable your speech is, unbefitting of a Jedi- to-be hmm? To your questions, Yaddle of course I like (great ear nibble she gives hehe) all the Jedi Masters I like and respect, (though some I have my doubts on hmm). A respected Senator is Senator Amidala, most disrespectful to her it would be to call her hot! (Though now you come to mention it, crack space-nuts her buns could tee hee!) wrong it is for a Jedi to think people hot! VERY WRONG AND AGAINST THE CODE TO THINK SENATOR AMIDALA HOT (HINT, HINT!) Ahem, so no, but make up your own mind on the hot Senator, I mean, respectful Senator!

Uncle Yoda

"Perfect." Yoda grinned at his reply and dove into the pile to find a new letter.

He saw a black envelope and was intrigued, so grabbed it and got out his handy green pen with a little picture of him on.

Dear Uncle Agony Yoda,
I came back in time to ask you this...see, this ruler of the galaxy has assigned me to take out a gifted Jedi, but I kinda like him...what do I do?
The Hand.

Yoda had to contemplate this for a second, after all being written to from the future was a little spooky even to a venerable Jedi Master. Then he recovered and knew how brilliant he must be to have people wanting his advice from the future. So he replied.

Dear 'The Hand', flattered I am to hear from the future, I hope I am well there, a place in the galaxy hall of fame I must have hmm, or my own hall! Hmm yes be that it must. Anyway! My advice, Hand, as the Hand of a ruler, hard it must be to get dates I'd imagine hmm? Probably forbidden, yes? As I am a Jedi Master of course I will not advise you to kill the Jedi (Doubt you could I do, if worth his salt this Jedi is hmm) you like this Jedi? Advice this I give you, approach this Jedi in peace, get to know him should you, renounce your old ways of darkness, embrace the Force you should, and seek friendship and love with this Jedi, perhaps it will change the course of history for the better, and happy you can be, pretty boring murdering people can be I'd imagine, bonking Jedi better for you I'd think. If the Jedi Order is in a bad way, make more! Hop to it Hand, helpful I hope my suggestion is!

Agony Yoda

Yoda briefly pondered asking about how the future was, but decided to keep to the question, so rooted around for the next.

A letter with an untidy scrawl that looked kinda misty caught Yodas eye so he yanked it up and looked it the wispy writing inside.

Dear Master Yoda,
Some people have been saying that I can't reappear to anyone since I didn't reappear, is this true? And if it is, how can I be writing to you?
Qui-Gon

My good friend Qui Gon, move in mysterious ways the Force does, if reappear in body you couldn't your spirit remains at least in all of us who knew you. Like a greeting card I'm sounding. Maybe reappear you can, and trying hard enough you aren't! Heard your wisdom from beyond death Obi Wan has in the past, so truly gone you are not, maybe we cannot see you because Master you are not, in any case, how are you, well I hope being one with the Force is. Meet again we will someday, til then multi-millionaire Agony Columnist I will become, haha I rule!

Agony Yoda

This question had made Yoda's head hurt somewhat but he managed to regain himself and looked for another problem.

Dear Agony Yoda

I wasted all my credits on some really cool Death Sticks, but I found out they were useless, now I'm broke, I even pawned my lightsabre to a Wookie for another pack, what shall I do?!

Jedi Death Stick Disaster.

Disaster you truly are!!! PAWNED YOUR LIGHTSABRE?! PAWNED YOUR SPECIALLY CONSTRUCTED, UNIQUE, COMPLETELY SPECIAL AND EXPENSIVE, INTRICATELY DESIGNED, PERFECTLY HARVESTED ADEGAN CRYSTAL LIGHTSABRE, THE EXCLUSIVE WEAPON AND A JEDI'S BEST FRIEND, GIVE AWAY YOUR BEST FRIEND WOULD YOU?! TO AN UNTRAINED COMMON WOOKIE?! *Bangs head against desk* Become a Jedi how did you?! Despair I do of whoever brought you to the temple! BACK GO AND GET IT! Care I do not how many limbs lose you! Pray you run into me not in the temple, or lose more than limbs you will!!! Now! Stop reading this! Go!!!

Terribly Angry Agony Yoda

Yoda rubbed his temples in exasperation and decided to find one last problem.

Agony Yoda

One of your order murdered my father in cold blood. Sure he was an evil, troublesome Bounty Hunter to you guys, but he had some feelings too. I just wanted to drop you a line and tell you, I will have my revenge, I will be the best Bounty Hunter in the world, I'll give you and all Jedi nothing but hassle as long as I live MWAHAHAHAHAHA DIE JEDI SCUM I'LL GET YOU ALL YOU JUST WAIT! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! YOU KILLED MY FATHER, I WILL KILL YOU ALLLLL MWAHAHAHAH BANG BANG!

Sincerely Boba Fett.

Yoda scratched his head and frowned at this one.

"Truly no answer to that there is… hmm… condolences I'll send, hmm, and a fruit basket?"

He picked up his pen.

Dear Boba

Killed your father? No Boba, I am your father! Hehehe, funning I am, your father I am not. Father only to one, from a drunken night with Yaddle, raaar tiger she is! Ahem…said that I did not. Condolences I send, with a fruit basket, if your address you will give, kill you we will not, of course hehe *angel face* Sorry!

A deeply, DEEPLY, sorry all -powerful -and -skilled –Bounty- Hunter- Killer-so- don't-push- me- sucka!- Yoda.

 Yoda sat back to admire his handiwork.

"These Bounty Hunters, far too tetchy they are, advise nasty Bounty Hunters I shouldn't anyway, yes that doesn't count, infulluable I still am haha! hm… that is all I think for now, plenty of answers there are here. Ooo so rich and famous I will be…write a book perhaps I should, 'Many Talents of Master Yoda There Are…hmm'. Perfect! Rule I do!"

"….INFALLABLE! Bugger."

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That's all for this Issue, thanks for reading, please review, any suggestions, questions or characters are always welcome, thanks to Hobbit for providing Yeda, The Hand and Qui Gon's questions, any more feel free to suggest. Thanks again y'all, see you next issue!

Review, you know it makes sense!

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