Disclaimer: I do not own Middle-earth or any characters conjured up from the brilliant mind of J.R.R. Tolkien.
My Head Hurts
The Therapist's Office
Legolas sat up rubbing head. He looked around at the room examining the items he saw. There was a desk, a chair and a comfy lounge kind of bed-chair next to it, along with some plants and office supplies such as pens, pencils and paper. "We're hereeeeeee!" he shouted for joy. "This has to be the therapist's office!"
"Well, whoopty-freakin' doo!" Aragorn shoved him off. Unknown to the prince, he was sitting on top of everyone.
"I cannot breaaaaathe!" Pippin's voice came from the bottom heap.
Merry sniffed the air due to an odd smell and slowly glanced at Gimli who's lower half was sticking upwards exposing his rear end. "Uhhh...better keep holding your breath there, Pip..."
"What? What'd you say, Merry? Huh... sniff ...oh...ewww!"
"Some assistance here, please!" Gimli tried wiggling himself loose. Gandalf rolled his eyes and poked Gimli in the rear with his staff letting him free.
"Where is she?" Legolas was searching the room frantically. "I must speak to her before they get here!"
"Did someone call for me?" a female voice was heard. The Fellowship turned their attention to the voice and saw a short woman with white hair pinned up and plump, rosy cheeks come out of another door. They looked at her with stumped expressions. "What?" she said. "I had to use the loo."
"Are you...the therapist?" asked the prince.
"Yes, I am. Did you have an appointment?"
"Oh, yes! My name is Legolas Greenleaf."
She walked over to her desk and looked at her planner where her scheduled appointments were listed. She adjusted her glasses then said, "Ah, yes...Legolas Greenleaf. Right on time," she smiled.
"Right on time!" he repeated then quickly glared at Gandalf. They'd been searching for her office for what felt like years only to hear her say that he was on time. Something didn't feel right. Gandalf smiled sweetly and just shrugged his shoulders telling the prince he didn't know what she was talking about.
"All right then, shall we get started? Come, come...sit down," she motioned him over to the bed-chair opposite of where she sat herself. His friends sat on the couches provided by the wall.
"So, prince, tell me what ails your troubled mind?" The therapist took out her notebook and prepared to write.
"Fangirls and Mary-Sues! That's what has me so paranoid these days!" he exclaimed.
"Among other things..." Aragorn whispered.
"Hmm...yes, I see..." she jotted down a few notes. "Continue..."
"I was a fine, happy prince, strictly going by what was written in the books until that one Hobbit-looking director decided to make a grand epic movie..."
"Once the first movie came out, they came out of nowhere like an unseen force of evil!"
"I see. So, now tell me," she adjusted her glasses again, "What or how did this exactly effect you? Let's get to the root of the problem. Start from the very beginning..."
Legolas thought for a moment. "Well, once upon a time ago..."
His words were cut off by the sudden noise.
"They're heeeereee!" squeeled Pippin.
One of the Sues pushed down the door holding the Ringwraith (who appeared to be unconscious) with one hand as if he was as light as a feather. She threw him across the room to where they crowded together holding each other. Once he landed, his hood fell down exposing his face.
"BOROMIR!" they looked dumbfounded.
"You were the Nazgul?" Aragorn poked him with his foot.
"Ouch, you filthy Ranger! ...That hurt," Boromir sat up rubbing his bruises. "Yes, it is I. After I ran away - I mean - went to seek help, I ran into the therapist on her way to get something to eat. She said if I cooked her meals for her, she would give me a good job, a job with authority that would make people listen to me... because no one listens to me! That's why I took on the role of standing guard at her door disguised as a Nazgul."
"I'm sorry, did you say something, Boromir?" asked Pippin.
"Augh! See what I mean!" he crossed his arms.
The Fellowship was too busy staring at the Mary Sues and Fangirls by the doorway, looking ready to pounce on the prince, ignoring his entire speech.
"Hey, where'd the therapist go?" Merry suddenly asked.
"You're right. I don't see her anywhere," said Gandalf.
"It doesn't matter! She will be of no use to us with her stubby legs," snorted the Dwarf.
"Speak for yourself..." Aragorn whispered to the Halflings.
"We thank you for your bread crumbs," said the head Sue to Gandalf. He nervously laughed and backed away in their direction by the door.
"What does she mean bread crumbs?" Legolas asked him sternly. "Care to tell what she meant, old man!"
Gandalf cleared his throat. "Umm...actually...I'm not Gandalf..."
"What? What do you mean you're not Gandalf! If someone doesn't give me an explanation to what is going on, I'm going to...umm...umm...change my face to look like Gimli's!"
Everyone flinched at the idea. "Augh..."
"You see prince, Gandalf is not Gandalf...and I am not the therapist..." the supposed therapist appeared from behind the Sues.
"Then who the bloody troll are you?" Legolas was ready to pull his hair out.
"I am...Samwise Gamgee!" he unzipped the body suit from top to bottom.
"And...it's me...Frodo!" he also unzipped his Gandalf costume.
The two Hobbits stood proudly next to each other for their clever deception.
"Frodo? Sam?" Merry took turns looking at one then the other.
"Sam! I knew that figure looked familiar!" Pippin smiled. "I just knew it."
"Shut up, Pip," Merry shook his head at him.
"What?" the Took looked confused.
"Why you little, hairy-footed..." Legolas was ready to strangle them.
"Tsk, tsk, Legolas! Don't forget whom we have as our back up," Frodo reminded him.
"I don't get it, why do all this?" asked Boromir.
"Because! That Elf is the one getting all the attention when it should be Master Frodo!" Sam said angrily. "He's the hero, not that princess!"
"We figured why not have the Mary Sues and the Fangirls after you in one story. You know, see what happens. See if you'd crack and really be called a crazy loon. That's why I secretly placed bread crumbs for the Sues so they could easily follow us," explained Frodo.
"Yes, and because we were bored in the Shire," added Sam.
"Like, hey, wait a minute. Now that we're both here – us, and these Sues - who gets the prince? I've had our date totally planned out for like days now and don't need one of them to ruin the mood," a Fangirl looked up and down at the female warriors.
"Excuse you, little pig," a Sue retorted. "We could have you hung by your nose if you are not careful with your tongue."
Suddenly they heard:
"Who gets the prince!"
"Us! He is ours!"
"No, he's ours!"
"Back off blonde!"
Were the words thrown back and forth between the females.
Frodo threw his hands up. "It doesn't matter! You choose between yourselves! Our only goal was to make his journey here miserable."
"YOU!" a half naked old man tied up hopped into the room.
"Gandalf!" Aragorn looked at his wrinkled form. "What the...where did you come from?"
"That little mischievous Hobbit is what happened to me!" he pointed at Frodo who he knocked into the wall with his powers. Frodo was happily smiling at the rings he saw floating around his head.
"Master Frodo!" Sam came running to his aid.
"That fool of a Hobbit blind-sided me and knocked me unconscious, stole my robes and tied me up!" he puffed. "Once I am free from these ropes I will turn him into a mushroom and have Pippin eat him for second breakfast!"
"Mushroom? Second breakfast?" Pippin's ears perked up. "When do we eat!"
Frodo gulped nervously.
"Here, old friend, let me help you," Legolas gave an evil grin towards the Hobbit.
Once Gandalf was loose he tried aiming for Frodo again and instead, hit one of the Sues with his spell turning her into a mushroom just as he said he would do to Frodo. Pippin couldn't help himself and dove down and swallowed her. "I'm hungry!" he tried reasoning to everyone.
The Sues got angry while the Fangirls started laughing. When the wizard tried again, Frodo pushed one of the Fangirls in front of him, thus also turning her into a mushroom. This time, Sam ate her. "What? I'm famished too, y'know! Boromir was rendered unconscious before he could make us lunch. I'm tired of cooking all the time!"
This angered both sides, the room erupting in a huge fight. Hair, heels, skirts, and weapons of sorts began flying through the air once more. All the men ducked down on all fours and started crawling anywhere they could find shelter. Gandalf was still trying to turn Frodo into a mushroom but kept missing. The various items that he turned into the fungus, the other three Hobbits started eating like a food contest.
"Eww..." Legolas started gagging. "I think I'm going to sick...again..." he hurred over a trash can.
"What's the big fuss about...they're just mushrooms?" Boromir rolled his eyes.
Legolas wiped his mouth clean with his sleeve. "I know that. I wasn't referring to that...I had a hairball caught in my throat..."
"Eww..." Boromir and Aragorn looked at each other.
"What! Blame Gimli!" the prince pointed to him. The Dwarf was off in the corner playing with his shiny rocks again, giggling and calling them his precious.
"I don't even want to know..." Aragorn whispered...
"That was mine!"
"No, it wasn't!"
"It was mine!"
"You took it from me!"
"Spit it out!"
"Come get it!"
The Halflings starting going at it about who's mushroom it was that Pippin grabbed and ate. Sam and Merry both looked at the Took as if they were going to eat him. Pippin slowly started backing away and finally dashed off, running frantically around the room, throwing whatever he could find at them.
"Someone help meeee!" he screamed like a girl (yet again).
"Help yourself!" snubbed Boromir. "We have our own problems."
Suddenly and old friend of Aragorn's appeared. "Oh, you son of an Orc!" he scurried away from Boromir.
Boromir gave the Ranger a strang look for his behavior. "What's up his dirty rear end, I wonder? ...Wooow...what the Eru was that!" Something small, fluffy and white zipped passed him. When he stuck his head out from under the desk where they were hiding, he saw a small poodle running in Aragorn's direction.
The Ranger tried shooing her away with his boot. "Go away you cotton ball of a mutt! I still reek of your pee from our last encounter!" The dog just kept barking, who seemed to have taken a liking to him. "Go pee on one of the Hobbits! Better yet, go eat one of them!"
As Pippin dashed by Strider, he saw the dog and picked it up then threw it above his head hoping to hit one of his fellow Halflings. The dog landed on Merry's face that caused Sam to collide into him from behind. "Eww...get this stinky dog off me!" he yelled. Pippin and Aragorn began to snicker.
Legolas saw the door un-guarded with none of the Sues or Fangirls near it. He thought if he was quiet and quick enough he could make a good getaway. He counted to three then quickly got up and dashed for the door. He was almost there until someone grabbed him by the legs.
"Legolas! Please help me! Take me with you!" Pippin begged.
"You idiot! Shut up or someone will hear you, then I'll...I mean...we'll never escape!"
Pippin nodded and let go, but as soon as he did, he went back down again. This time Sam and Merry grabbed onto his legs. "Oh no you don't, Peregrin Took!" they said.
"Oh well...look at the time!" Legolas shrugged and continued on his mission. But then suddenly, he too, went down for the count. "What the bloody Eru!"
"And where do you think you're going, dear prince?" said Aragorn.
"If we're going to get battered and bruised by these beautiful - some of them brainless - monsters, you're coming down with us!" added Boromir.
"I don't think so!" Legolas began to crawl with all of his strength using only his upper-body towards the door. The two Men held on tighter with Pippin also holding onto them for the ride, as the other two Hobbits doing just the same by holding on tightly. "Some of you need to lose weight, let go you jerks!"
"Hey, look! It's Legolas!" Frodo yelled to try and divert the Sues and the Fangirls in his direction so he could hide in between them. Gandalf was still running around as a half-naked, wrinkled, old madman.
"Curse you!" the prince yelled. He was almost at the door when a pair of feet blocked his way. Legolas slowly looked up and gulped. "What are you doing here?"
"I've come to claim my husband, that's what!" she said. "Aragorn Elessaaaar!"
Now Aragorn gulped. "Arwen!" he stood up from off the floor.
"There you are. You were supposed to massage my feet days ago! This whole time I thought you were out in the woods gathering more dirt, I find you here playing with your friends! And with females no less!" she glared at him.
"But, darling...tis not what you think..." he approached her.
Once he got close, she pinched him by the ear. "That should teach you. It's time for you to come home...now!"
"Ouch! ...But love pudding...!"
"Aragorn, you can't leave! The other Fangirls at our I-love-Aragorn-sheath-my-sword website are waiting for our interview with you via live webcam! You totally have to stay!" one of the said.
Arwen turned around with an eyebrow raised. "Excuse me?"
"Excuse yourself, honey. Like don't be selfish...I'm sure there's plenty of him to go around," another Fangirl winked at him. The Ranger looked at his wife with fear in his eyes.
"That's it," she rolled up her sleeve. "I didn't waste my immortality on a Man, only to have him be seduced by little teeny-boppers from a foreign country with horrible grammar..." She chanted a words of spell in elvish and sucked up all the air she could muster and then exhaled, blowing all the Sues and the Fangirls out the windows that stood almost as tall as the walls they were build on.
"You tell them, love! Huff and puff and blow their...umm...hair spray down!" cheered Aragorn.
"You be quiet. You're not out of the clear yet from my wrath."
When the coast seemed clear, the remaining Fellowship came out of their hiding spots.
"Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, Arwen!" Legolas kissed her feet.
"Get away from my wife's feet! If there's any lips to be kissing her feet...they belong to her children!"
"I mean...uhh...me...her husband!"
Arwen rolled her eyes. "Come on, Elessar. Your son has been attempting to clean your dirt collection again."
"What! How could he! Have I taught him nothing!" he cried then ran out the door followed by his wife.
"Well, since there's no point in staying in this story any longer, I'm leaving," Boromir also exited. "Please just send the bill for those Nazgul robes, thanks."
"And, well, the Shire also seems to be calling. Time to do that good old spring cleaning of junk Bilbo left behind..." Frodo ran for the door. Sam, Merry and Pippin were right on his heels but got stuck in between the doorway as all three of them tried getting out at the same time.
Gandalf put on the robes from Frodo's costume and came behind them in pursuit. "Tis not over yet you midgets!"
Legolas looked around. "Well...I guess it's just you and me now Gimli..."
"Yes, I suppose so. I think I too shall be going. There's more rocks and metal to be mined and polished." He walked over the prince and bowed. "I will keep in touch," he winked.
Once Gimli turned around, Legolas pinched his bottom. "Call me!" he blushed. After everyone left, he was finally able to relax. He turned the couch right side up and slumped down on it, closing his eyes for a brief second. "Ah...no more Sues or Fangirls...I think I'm cured..." he smiled. Just then, thunder and lightening graced the sky. He ran to the window to see what the commotion was about.
This time, instead of Sues and Fangirls falling into Middle-earth, he saw more Aragorns, Boromirs, Hobbits, Haldir and even Elrond making their way towards the palace. "Oh, Legolas dear!" he called out to him.
"NOOOOO! I forgot about the slash-paring stories!" he cried. "I want Gimli!" he too ran out the therapist's office except when through the wall instead of the door.
I guess he wasn't cured after all...