Typical Girl-Falls-Into-Middle-Earth Parody
Once upon a time a random bimbo named Star from Florida was dropped into Middle Earth for no reason whatsoever.
"OMG!" she cried, jumping up and down in her ridiculously tall ankle-breaker high heels, pulling down her 'dress' which in reality was a flashy, slightly longer than normal sleeveless shirt barely covering her backside. "I totes know I'm in the Shire in Middle Earth! Even though people like me generically don't have time for real literature!"
She began walking down the road and soon conveniently bumped into Gandalf who she conveniently knew immediately and who conveniently knew immediately who she was and that she had a purpose and what that purpose actually was. So he randomly took her to Bilbo's smial and she got to meet all the dwarves and instantly attracted the attention of the young hot dwarves who instantly fell in love with her and she with them.
After the famous Blunt The Knives song in which she actively participated because of course she was incredibly dexterous – because let's face it, what girl who is dropped into Middle Earth for no reason whatsoever isn't? – Thorin arrived and was taken aback by her state of undress but didn't really question it as much as people in a world like his would be expected to. He also conveniently conceded to her joining them on their quest after only minimal protests about her being a woman with almost no prodding from Gandalf.
That night, whilst relaxing in one of Bilbo's wonderfully soft armchairs, she found herself wishing desperately for a hot dog….. "OMG!" she cried, leaping up from her seat as a freshly cooked hot dog complete with shredded Tasty cheese and BBQ sauce appeared in her hand. She bit into it; yes, it was real, and soooo delicious! She tried it again, this time wishing for a glass of Fanta. "Wow!" she exclaimed as what she'd just wished for came into being on the coffee table. "I have magic powers!" she quickly concluded, "This is so awesome! What a useful power! Being able to wish for anything I want!"
She wished for some new travelling clothes to help her fit in with the others – still stylish of course, as we all know how important a sense of fashion is on a perilous journey which would allegedly take a year minimum to complete – and squealed in delight as they promptly materialised, promptly changing into them with no regard for who might barge in.
And barge in Fili and Kili did. Upon seeing her half-dressed and looking quite pleased to see them they advanced and soon all three of them were intertwined in a moaning, writhing mass on the floor (a bit like one of those awesomely hilarious and totally random glitches in the Assassin's Creed franchise where you as Ezio come across a bunch of people moaning and writhing in the alleyway lol). They had an awesome threesome which was too awesome for any kind of smutty detail whatsoever, after which they professed their totally random, rapidly manifesting eternal love for each other.
The next morning they were all packed up and ready outside when Star suddenly realised what she could do with her super-awesome flawless power. "Guys," she announced, "Stand back." Everyone did as she said and were amazed as in the very next moment, a fancy coach appeared on the dirt track outside Bilbo's smial.
"All aboard!" she cried. Gandalf obeyed instantly and after only some umming and ahhing the company followed suit…. All except Bilbo, who was still fast asleep in his room. Star chewed on her lip, thinking for a moment. She knew how important it was for Bilbo to have that ring in order to give it to Frodo. So she concentrated really hard and smiled triumphantly as the Ring appeared in her hand.
Somewhere far, far away a former hobbit-now-goblin-like creature called Smeagol screamed in fear and pain as the goblin he was using the Ring to sneak up on saw him and screeched to it's goblin brothers. They all converged on him, eating him whole and consequently screwing up the Lord Of The Rings storyline anyway….(Oops….)
Meanwhile back in the Shire, Star had written a note explaining the importance of not putting the Ring on and keeping it hidden until Frodo came of age after which Bilbo was to give it to Frodo (gasp) and placed it on the bedside table along with the Ring.
Then she ran outside to join the company in the bus. "Abbracadabbra!" she cried for dramatic effect as she wished the entire coach inside the treasure room of Erebor. Star, Gandalf and the dwarves scrambled out quickly. Star wished for a bow and a black arrow infused with magic which would pierce Smaug's hide and travel straight through to his heart. She wished for instant knowledge and mastery of archery, notched the arrow, drew, aimed and fired with perfect precision – because seriously, who needs any kind of conditioning or training when they're a girl who's randomly been dropped into Middle Earth for no reason and has this kind of awesome super power? – killing Smaug instantly.
Everyone cheered and Star suddenly had a proposal from both of her hot dwarf princes which she instantly accepted and Thorin conveniently and rather oddly approved of immediately.
Star wished for an atom bomb which would only kill all the bad guys in Middle Earth and pass harmlessly over the good guys and innocents, effectively preventing the Battle of Five Armies. She wished Thorin's gold sickness away which meant a peaceful ending to the meeting with the woodland Elves and the people of Esgaroth.
They all lived happily ever after…. Until more bad guys appeared 60 years later and snuck up on her and eviscerated her before she could draw a weapon because they'd heard of her super-duper awesome flawless super-power and realised they had to get her out of the way so they could take over Middle Earth, especially as the whole story line had been f-cked up and they would have much more opportunity to take over the world…. Fili and Kili committed suicide by jumping off the top of Erebor because they couldn't live without her and Thorin sank into depression and gold sickness and they were all massacred when the forces of evil reached the mountain because they were all depressed and leaderless….
And the bad guys lived happily ever after for once.
The End. ;D