Hey! I'm here with a new chapter. I hope you will like it.
**WARNING** SENSITIVE SUBJECT
(I'd like to point out as well that what the characters say and think doesn't necessarily reflect what I think on the matter)
Caroline walked in her apartment slowly. Everything was clean and nothing seemed out of place. She thought she would find it a mess. An image of her dropping an empty bottle of tequila on the floor flashed in front of her eyes and she looked at the spot on the floor. The bottle wasn't there anymore. She looked toward the bathroom door and a blurry image of pills in her unsteady hand flashed. It was frustrating that she couldn't remember what her thoughts had been.
"Kol will come by to fix the door," Bonnie said breaking Caroline's trail of thoughts.
Caroline nodded but didn't say anything. It was weird to come back here knowing she had almost died in this exact place only a day and a half ago. She turned around and looked at the door that Bonnie was closing behind her. She would probably have to get a new one, this one was in bad shape. Bonnie had explained that it couldn't be locked anymore and Kol would fix that at least since it was Sunday and she had to wait until tomorrow to get a new one.
"Katherine came here and cleaned up while you were at the hospital," Bonnie continued to explain. Caroline was surprised.
"She didn't have to," Caroline said.
"I told her you'd say that but she insisted," Bonnie said with a kind smile.
Caroline nodded and turned back around to look at her apartment once more. She searched through her memories. She wanted to know if she had really tried to kill herself. But nothing came. Some other images flashed in front of her eyes. Herself hitting her head against the wall and sobbing. Herself dragging herself toward the table to stand up. She saw a blurry image of her hands opening the drawer in the bathroom and looking through all the medicine that were in it. But none of her thoughts from back then came back to her, just images.
She had only seen Bonnie and Kol since waking up. She knew Katherine had been here to clean up so Elijah had probably been here too with her. But Bonnie didn't say anything about Klaus. Not after they had found her here. She hadn't heard from him. He hadn't visited her at the hospital or texted her or called her. She wanted to ask Bonnie if she knew where he was or what he was doing but it would be suspicious. Klaus was supposed to be a stranger to her. She wasn't supposed to care and even wonder about his whereabouts.
"Are you hungry?" Bonnie asked walking into the kitchen.
"Um, yeah, a little," Caroline said following Bonnie in the kitchen.
She watched Bonnie take out a package of pasta and put it down on the counter top. She took out a pot and put water in it that she salted. She turned on the gas cooker and waited for the water to boil. Both of them stayed silent while waiting. Caroline wanted to tell Bonnie that she didn't need to take care of her like this but she knew she would insist on doing it and tell her to stop talking nonsense. Once the salted water was boiling Bonnie put the pasta in it. Bonnie turned around and took some precooked tomato mixture and put it down on the counter top.
"Is Kol coming alone?" Caroline eventually asked breaking the silence. She hoped Bonnie wouldn't notice that she was thinking about one particular person coming with Kol.
"I don't know," Bonnie answered looking up at Caroline. "Elijah and Katherine might come since they didn't visit you at the hospital."
Caroline nodded to acknowledge what Bonnie was saying but didn't say anything to that. Klaus hadn't visited her at the hospital either but Bonnie didn't mention him. It was hypocrite to want him to come. She had been the one telling him she wished she would have never met him. Her thoughts were broken when Bonnie put a plate full of pasta mixed with tomato mixture in front of her.
"Thanks," Caroline said before taking the fork Bonnie was handing her and starting to eat in silence. Bonnie had her own plate and was eating as well.
"Can I ask you something about what happened Friday or do you prefer not to talk about this today?" Bonnie asked after a few minutes. Caroline looked up from her plate.
"You can ask," Caroline simply said a little nervous. What would Bonnie ask?
"What did Matt call for?" Bonnie asked cautiously. Caroline looked down at her pasta and sighed. Of course Bonnie would ask about Matt's phone call since it had been what had provoked everything that had happened after that.
"He…he called to tell me your grams told my mom I was in London," Caroline said purposefully keeping his accusations to herself.
Bonnie didn't know Matt was blaming her. She didn't know everyone was blaming her back in Mystic Falls. Even her mom. The familiar pain came back rushing in her chest and Caroline took a deep breath trying to look neutral from the outside. She didn't want Bonnie to worry about her any more than she already did.
"He didn't know you were in London?" Bonnie asked surprised.
"I didn't tell anyone where I was going when I left," Caroline admitted stuffing pasta in her mouth and acting nonchalant.
"You didn't talk with any of them since you left?" Bonnie asked surprised. Caroline just nodded and Bonnie's eyes widened. "For months? Almost a year! What else did he say?"
"The usual stuff," Caroline raised her shoulders in a careless gesture.
"What usual stuff?" Bonnie put her fork down to focus completely on her and Caroline knew that she wouldn't get out of that one.
"Um," Caroline cleared her throat. "That he lost his daughter but I didn't lose her, I…I killed her. I took her away from him. I should've died instead of her. He wishes I was dead. And he accuses me of wanting to forget about her, about what I've done. And…you know, just, that kind of stuff. The usual stuff." Caroline was trying to ignore the pain ripping her chest apart once again. She put her fork down. She wasn't hungry anymore.
"I didn't know," Bonnie said lowly. Caroline could tell she hadn't been expecting that. "Care, you can't believe him when he says those things! He's coping by putting all of the blame on you because it makes him feel better about all of it but it's not what really happened. A drunk driver killed Raven. You tried to save her. You couldn't have done anything. You lost Raven, she was taken away from you too. You didn't take her away from anyone. And-"
"I don't want to talk about it." Caroline cut her off and walked away from the counter top. She was trying as best as she could not to cry. It was hard to talk about this and it was hard to hear Bonnie say the exact opposite of what she and others convinced herself of.
"And you shouldn't have died instead of her," Bonnie finished following Caroline.
"Stop it, Bonnie! I know you're trying to help me but please, stop." Tears were now pouring down her cheeks freely. "How can you expect me not to wish I would have died instead of her?" Caroline stopped walking and turned around to face Bonnie once again.
"No, I understand that. I understand that you wish you would've died instead of her. But saying that you should have died instead of her is the wrong way of thinking. Here is what should have happened. None of you should have died. No one should have died, Caroline. And if Matt can't understand that, and make you understand that, then he never was good enough for you. You don't deserve him saying those things. He should know you feel guilty without him adding to it. He should know putting all the blame on you won't take his pain away. He should know you won't ever forget Raven. And if he truly believes you want to forget Raven, then he sure as hell doesn't know you one bit." Bonnie was practically yelling to this point and tears were pouring down her cheeks too. She seemed angry and sad at the same time.
"Please, can we stop talking about it?" Caroline said in a whisper.
"You have to open up and let people in. This is the only way you'll heal," Bonnie said speaking lowly again.
Caroline could see the compassion in Bonnie's eyes. She knew Bonnie was right. She had to let people in. Keeping everything inside of her, for herself, was only bringing her further down. What had happened on Friday was a proof of that. If she would have talked to someone instead of drowning herself in alcohol she would have never ended up so close to killing herself. She shook her head to stop her thoughts. Her tears wouldn't stop falling down her cheeks though.
"I'm gonna shower," Caroline announced turning around and walking toward the bathroom. She heard Bonnie sigh just as she walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind her.
Caroline pressed her back against the closed door and closed her eyes tightly to stop the tears from falling. She wanted things to change. She didn't want to cry every time she would think or talk about Raven. She should focus on the good memories she had with her daughter instead of that horrible accident and the fact that she was gone. Everything Bonnie had said was right and she knew it. She walked toward the mirror and dried her cheeks. She needed to open up to people. She couldn't keep on living that way because the truth was that she wasn't living at all.
She took her clothes off and walked inside the shower. She turned the water on and just stood under the hot water for a few minutes, enjoying the feeling. She blanked her brain completely and didn't think about anything anymore. At some point she started cleaning herself up taking her time. This shower felt amazing, it had been much needed. Caroline turned around and looked at the clock on the wall to see that it was 2:30pm. She was already tired. The doctors had warned her that she would feel a little weak for a few days.
Once she was cleaned up she walked out of the shower and wrapped a towel around her hair before drying her body quickly. Once she was dry she put some clothes on. She looked at herself in the mirror and remembered that Kol would be coming and maybe Katherine and Elijah too. She dried her hair with the towel on top of her head. She put the towel aside and blew her hair dry. It took a few minutes. Once her hair was completely dry she brought it up in a ponytail. Finally she put some mascara on and she was ready.
She walked toward the door but stopped in her track. She took her phone and searched for Klaus' name in her contacts. She found him and started typing a message. She had to let people in, right? She hesitated before sending it and after a few seconds she sent it. There, now it was too late for her to change her mind.
Caroline: Kol is coming to fix the front door of my apartment this afternoon. You can come with him if you want to.
She furrowed her brows looking at the message she had just sent. She had assumed he still wanted to see her but was staying away because of her last message saying she wished she would have never met him. But now that she had sent the message she was doubting. What if he didn't want to see her again? She shook her head. It wasn't a big deal. If he didn't want to see her then he wouldn't answer or he would reply saying 'No, thank you'. She put her phone in the front pocket of her jeans.
She took a deep breath and opened the door walking out of the bathroom. She stopped abruptly. Bonnie wasn't the only one there anymore. Mia ran toward her and hugged her legs tightly as she crashed into her laughing. Caroline smiled and lifted her up in her arms before kissing her cheek.
"Hey princess," Caroline said.
Her smile was genuine, it always was with Mia. She looked back up to see Katherine and Elijah walking toward her to greet her. Kol was saying something to Bonnie. But Caroline's eyes locked on Klaus who was just next to the kitchen countertop. He was looking down at his phone and Caroline felt a little embarrassed when she realised he was probably reading her text. He looked up straight at her and she quickly looked away.
"I'm so glad that you're okay," Katherine said reaching her and hugging her. Caroline hugged her back as best as she could with Mia still in her arms. Katherine pulled away with a smile.
"Caroline," Elijah greeted with a nod. Caroline smiled at him and nodded as well.
They walked away and didn't say anything about them not wanting her to watch Mia anymore and she was a little surprised. Maybe they were just being cautious around her and they didn't want to tell her right away like that because they were scared of her reaction. Kol appeared in front of her breaking her trail of thoughts and he took her in his arms which took her aback as well.
"Good to see you wearing something other than that horrible hospital robe," he said with a smile and Caroline chuckled.
He stepped away from her and went back toward Bonnie. Klaus was now walking toward her without saying a word and Caroline's breath itched. How would he greet her? He wasn't smiling, there was no emotion on his face so she didn't know at all what he was thinking. He reached her and invaded her personal space. Caroline was very aware of the fact that everyone was looking at them. Klaus bent down and placed a small peck on her cheek while she stayed immobile. She felt her cheeks burning and she knew that she was unfortunately blushing.
"We'll talk later," Klaus whispered so only she could hear and then he was out of her personal space.
Caroline tried to will her heart to slow down. She caught Katherine discreetly looking away and smiling and Bonnie looking at her intrigued. She would definitely have to explain this to Bonnie later. She looked back at Mia hoping everything would get back to normal again. She didn't know if she was looking forward to talking to Klaus later or if she wanted to lock herself in her bedroom until he was gone.
After that, Kol and Klaus started to fix her front door and she went toward the couch. She sat down on it with Mia on her lap and started to play with her. Katherine came up and sat in the couch on her right but she didn't say anything. Bonnie came up next sitting on her left. Caroline looked behind her to see that Elijah was walking toward his brothers who were focused on the front door. Eventually, Katherine broke the silence.
"I had a conversation with Klaus on Friday night," Katherine paused and turned toward Caroline. "You can't use the excuse of being scared to lose your job if you two see each other anymore. You're not gonna lose your job if there is something between the two of you."
Caroline nodded in understanding. She wouldn't have used this excuse anymore anyway but it was good to hear Katherine saying it. It reassured her a little.
"Looks like I'm the only one who's not up to date," Bonnie said with a small smile.
Caroline turned toward her and sighed. She looked back at the men to see that they weren't listening at all to what they were saying and that they were actually having a conversation of their own and turned back toward Bonnie.
"To make this short, we were both attracted to one another so we started this relationship that was supposed to be only about…" Caroline trailed off looking at Mia on her lap, "fun. And it was supposed to stay between us because I didn't want to lose my job. But I started developing feelings so I ended things the night you announced your pregnancy to everyone."
Bonnie nodded and the look on her face was telling that she was finally putting all the pieces together. Caroline furrowed her brows looking at her friend. Why did she have the feeling that Bonnie knew something that she didn't?
"What's that look for?" Caroline asked.
"I overheard Klaus saying things to you when you were unconscious and everything makes so much more sense now," Bonnie admitted.
"What did he say?" Caroline asked wanting to know.
"I really don't think that's my place to tell you, Care." Bonnie said seriously and Caroline was a little disappointed. What could he have said to her while she had been unconscious? "He probably doesn't even know I heard. He talked to you when he put you in the shower."
"But what if he never tells me again?" Caroline asked.
"I'm not gonna tell you, Care," Bonnie didn't waver and Caroline sighed in frustration.
"Should I be worried?" Caroline wondered.
"No, you shouldn't be worried," Bonnie laughed.
"Aunt Bonnie is keeping secrets from me," Caroline said turning toward Mia with an exaggerated pout on her lips. Mia laughed and Caroline smiled again genuinely. "When is Rebekah coming back from the U.S.?" Caroline asked turning toward Katherine.
"Next week. I want to go back to the U.S. a little. It would be good to be surrounded by Americans even just for a week. Being with you two almost feels like being back there though so it's pretty cool," Katherine said. Mia started to stiffen and Caroline put her down to let her wander around in her apartment.
"I'll have to go back at some point to announce my pregnancy to my family. I don't want to tell them on the phone," Bonnie announced. "You can all come along when I finally go."
"That's an amazing idea!" Katherine exclaimed. "I'll have to convince Elijah. He hates the U.S." Caroline laughed thinking about Katherine bothering Elijah with this until he'd say yes. "Oh and, before I forget to tell you. Elijah isn't working tomorrow so you don't have to come to watch Mia but if you could come a little early on Tuesday it would be awesome."
Caroline nodded with a smile. She didn't mind going a little sooner than usual especially since she hadn't worked on Friday and she wouldn't work on Monday. After that, the conversation moved to casual things. They talked about anything and everything and Caroline was really enjoying her time. She hadn't felt good being surrounded by people after the accident until now. Maybe it was what she needed. To be surrounded by new people.
Time passed and it was time for Katherine and Elijah to leave because Mia had to eat dinner. They said their goodbyes and left. Only half an hour later Kol and Bonnie put their jackets back on to leave as well. Bonnie turned toward Caroline with a worried expression on her face and came toward her to hug her.
"Are you sure you don't want me to stay the night?" Bonnie asked for the third time already.
"I'm okay, Bon," Caroline insisted.
Bonnie nodded and let go of her. Her and Kol said their goodbyes and left the apartment. Caroline smiled at them and closed the front door once they were in the elevator. She turned around and took a deep breath. So it was just Klaus and her now. They hadn't talked at all while all the others were there. But now it was time to talk. Klaus was standing on the opposite side of her apartment looking at a picture of her and Bonnie during high school on the wall. She was nervous. She had never been that nervous being alone with Klaus. She cleared her throat not moving away from her spot but Klaus didn't look toward her. It looked like Caroline would have to be the one speaking first.
"Thank you," Caroline simply said and Klaus finally looked at her from his spot. The fact that they were standing as far away as the room allowed from each other was a little strange.
"What for?" Klaus asked keeping his eyes on her. All right, so maybe it had been better when he hadn't been looking at her.
"For what you did on Friday," Caroline said moving forward. It was her apartment for God's sake she didn't have to stay standing by the door. She walked toward the kitchen to clean up and put the glasses they had used this afternoon in the sink.
"Are you really thankful?" Klaus asked.
Caroline knew exactly what he meant. He was asking if she had wanted him to save her or if she would have preferred him to let her die. She opened her mouth and closed it again. She didn't really want to have this conversation with him. She didn't want to have to explain that she didn't know if she had wanted to die Friday or not. The only thing she knew was that she was thankful now. She ignored his question.
"And for helping Kol fix the door," she said walking out of the kitchen but staying close to it. Klaus looked at her for a few seconds without saying anything and then started to walk toward her. He stopped a few steps away from her and spoke.
"Whether you're thankful or not it doesn't really matter. If you would've told me you preferred me not to save you I would have done it anyway," Klaus admitted looking into Caroline's blue eyes.
"Wouldn't that have been a little selfish?" Caroline asked paralysed in her spot. This conversation was taking a dangerous turn already.
"Think about the people around you. If you just give up and end it all aren't you the selfish one?" Klaus asked taking another step forward and slightly reducing the distance between them.
"If I'm suffering, if I'm already dead inside. Aren't the people wanting me to live for their sake selfish?" Caroline was talking so lowly that she wasn't sure Klaus would hear her but he did.
"If there isn't a fickle of happiness left in you, if it's just sadness and darkness, then yes. But if there are those little moments when you feel happy, those little memories making you happy. Then you should hold on to that and fight for those moments. I know you're suffering, I don't know why. But I also know you're not dead inside, Caroline. Not just yet." Klaus took another step toward her and he was inches away from her now. Caroline didn't answer anything and looked down at her feet. He was right, she wasn't dead inside, not just yet. Which was why it was hard for her to believe that she had tried to kill herself. But saying it was impossible would probably be a lie.
"And pushing people away is only going to bring you further in that darkness. The key to happiness is love. Being surrounded by people who love you and loving the people around you. Not money, not fame, love." Klaus' voice was stronger now.
"But then, if you love, it's going to destroy you the day you'll lose those people you love," Caroline said in a whisper keeping her eyes down.
"You know what we say. The worst day of loving someone is the day you lose them. But that's not the day you have to focus on. You have to focus on all the other days. You have to focus on the time you spent with them, the time they made you happy. You're drowning, Caroline. You're drowning in your own sadness and if you push people away then who is going to pull you to the surface?" Klaus brought his hand up and placed his index finger under Caroline's chin to lift her head up. She had no other choice than to look at his face again.
"What if there are heavy rocks tied up to my ankles and I want to be strong enough to swim to the surface on my own? And if I push people away at least I can't pull anyone down with me," Caroline was giving away way too much information about how she felt but she couldn't stop herself anymore.
"The fact that you're closed up and don't let anyone in doesn't mean others won't let you in and end up being pulled down with you in the end," Klaus said seriously.
Caroline knew what he was talking about. She remembered what Bonnie had said about the emotions she had seen on Klaus' face when they had found her. He was talking about her pushing him away, not letting him in, and him still being pulled down with her the day he had found her almost dead. Because he had let her in. Caroline felt tears filling her eyes but she held them back. She didn't want to cry in front of Klaus. He was right, it was completely useless to push people away. It did no good.
"But what if the people I love become the rocks pulling me down?" She asked her voice trembling. She wasn't thinking about Raven. Raven wasn't pulling her down, what had happened to her was pulling her down. She was thinking about Matt, about her mom. They had been supposed to help her get back to the surface. "What if the people I love hold my head under water?" Klaus shook his head. A little anger showed on his face but she knew he wasn't angry at her but at anyone she was referring to right now.
"Then they weren't right for you. Find those people who will never give up and always pull you to the surface no matter what. Find people who deserve your love," Klaus paused. He took a final step toward Caroline and he was almost pressed against her. "I'm sorry," he whispered. Caroline felt his breath against her face and a tear fell down her cheek but she quickly brought her hand to her face and dried it.
"What for?" Caroline whispered back. Klaus brought one of his hands up to her face and pushed back a strand of hair that had fallen from her ponytail during the afternoon.
"For not noticing." Klaus looked straight into her eyes.
"You couldn't have noticed," Caroline said truthfully. "Because the time I spent with you belongs to those happy little moments you were talking about." Klaus smiled and Caroline couldn't help but smile as well. Would she ever be able not to smile whenever he smiled?
"Really? Or are you just trying to make me feel better?" Klaus asked.
"Really," Caroline confirmed.
"So, you don't wish you would have never met me?" Klaus bent down a little and his lips were inches away from hers.
"I did when I sent this message because I thought letting people in was the wrong thing to do and you kind of inserted yourself in without being invited. But now I realise that maybe it's not so bad after all that I met you." Caroline pinched her lips together trying not to laugh.
"Not so bad?" Klaus asked with a slight growl.
Caroline smiled and nodded in confirmation. Her smile faded away when Klaus' lips finally met hers. She had missed the feeling of his lips on hers. She brought her hands up and cupped his face feeling his stubble under her fingers. She loved it. She thought he would deepen the kiss but he pulled away with a last little peck.
"I want to take you out for dinner," he announced taking a step back.
"I'm exhausted," Caroline said as an answer. It was true. She was exhausted.
"We can order takeout then," Klaus suggested and Caroline nodded. She was fine with ordering takeout.
Did this mean they were back on their arrangement? Or that the arrangement was over and now they were seeing each other for real? Like not only for fun. She observed Klaus taking out his phone and order take-out. She didn't know what he was ordering but she thought she heard him say the name of some Chinese food, it didn't matter. He gave her address and ended the call.
"There, they'll be here in fifteen minutes," Klaus announced smiling at Caroline. She smiled back at him.
"I'm gonna put my pyjamas on," she said before walking into the bathroom and closing the door behind her.
She started to panic a little. Was it really the right thing to do? It felt like the right thing to do. And Bonnie had implied earlier that it was the right thing to do by telling her to open up to people. And Klaus thought it was the right thing to do too. Yes, this was the right thing to do. It was normal that she was freaking out a little for now. Everything would be fine.
She walked toward the mirror and took off her make-up. Then she cleaned her face. She was about to brush her teeth but changed her mind. She'd to that after eating or else her food would taste like toothpaste. She took her clothes off and put a pale pink tank top on and white cotton shorts. She turned back toward the mirror and let her hair down. She brought her hands in her hair and quickly massaged her scale. She loved to do that after letting her hair down it felt amazing. Once she was ready she walked out of the bathroom.
Do you like it? Tell me what you think and leave a review please, it's really appreciated :)