Disc Wars: Episode 6
a parodic screenplay by Beth Einspanier
based on some stuff by Terry Pratchett, a lot of other stuff by George Lucas, brought together in a gluey mush by me and read by you

Disclaimer: The Discworld and related characters are not mine. Neither are the basic premise, most of the technology, and a few basic societal templates. However, the unique combination of these and other references are mine, though I can't always take credit for those bits when the characters get completely out of my control [which happens frequently]. All rights reserved.

Author's notes: Okeyday, here comes the conclusion to the epic Disc Wars trilogy! I really didn't expect Disc Wars to be as popular as it turned out to be [a certain Yahoo! Group can attest to that ;-)], so thank you so much for all your reviews and encouragement! Please be sure your seatbacks and tray tables are in their locked and fully upright position, and keep your hands and feet inside the fanfic at all times.

*****

A Century of the Fruitbat Production.

EXT - SPACE

Title: Somewhere at the edge of the probability curve...

STAR WARS FANFARE

Title: DISC
WARS

Title crawl:

EPISODE VI: RETURN OF THE JEDI
Having twice thwarted the plans of the sinister Darth Vetinari to destroy the Rebel Alliance, our intrepid heroes have retreated to the remotest bayou of Genua to regroup and prepare to rescue the smuggler Ridcully from the clutches of the gangster Jabba.

Little do they know that the Empire has a new weapon on its way from the Agatean Empire, one with the potential to destroy an entire city (like the ones sympathetic to the Rebel Alliance). Only two minds on all the Disc know how to deal with this new threat, and one of them is the unwitting pawn of the Empire...

PAN DOWN
to the Discworld, floating slowly through space on the back of A'Tuin via the accompanying elephants.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT - STAR DESTROYER

At first all we see is an empty doorway. Gradually, we hear the sound of someone running like hell, then skidding to a halt in the doorway, revealing that the someone is Darth Vetinari. He takes a few moments to compose himself, then steps calmly through the doorway, accompanied [as always] by the Imperial March.

DARTH VETINARI
[sotto] Stupid bloody alarm clock...

GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]
It's not my fault if you kept hitting the snooze bar. I told you we'd begin shooting at eight.

Vetinari turns to face the director.

DARTH VETINARI
I don't recall anything in my contract that said I had to get up early.

GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]
Listen, we'll discuss this later. Just do your scene, okay?

DARTH VETINARI
You *will* edit this out later, right?

GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]
Of course I will.

The Sith Lord growls and continues on. An officer approaches him.

OFFICER
Sir, Lord Hong's ship has arrived. With the... You Know What.

DARTH VETINARI
Good. Show him in.

As the officer jogs away to carry out this order, Vetinari shuts the visor in his helmet. We hear a door swish open, then close.

After a few beats of listening to Vetinari's amplified breathing...

ON THE FAR DOOR
as it swishes open again, to reveal two young Agatean women leading a large, hovering, ornate box of some sort, shaped like a flower bud and decorated all over with gems. They turn left as they clear the door, revealing eight gold-armoured samurai in four rows of two, who proceed through the door and to the right. Then come two Agatean girls, who toss rose petals behind them as they enter, to pave the way for a canopied sedan chair borne by four Agatean slaves, which proceeds in at a dignified pace.

Vetinari watches this procession, and his amplified breathing has a slightly dubious note to it.

The slaves set the sedan chair on the floor [buffered by the carpet of rose petals], and one of them pulls aside the front curtain of the canopy, revealing LORD HONG, draped in dark red robes which conceal every part of him save for the lower part of his face and his hands, which are tipped with long, pointed nails like claws [painted gold]. Hong steps out of the sedan chair and [proceeded by the two flower girls and their never-ending supply of rose petals] approaches Darth Vetinari. Vetinari endures a brief rain of rose petals before Hong dismisses the girls with a wave.

DARTH VETINARI
[thru visor] IT'S REFRESHING TO SEE THAT BEING THE EMPEROR OF YOUR OWN FEDERATION HASN'T GONE TO YOUR HEAD, LORD HONG.

Lord Hong nods.

LORD HONG
I'm glad to note your asthma appears to be clearing up.

Vetinari shoves up the visor in annoyance.

DARTH VETINARI
[aside to Hong] That was for effect, you know that.

Lord Hong dismisses this with a wave of his claw.

LORD HONG
I've been observing your efforts to subdue the Rebellion with some interest, my pupil. I understand that there have been... setbacks.

DARTH VETINARI
That is to be expected, My Lord. Everything will be taken care of in due time.

LORD HONG
[irritated] Do I have the word 'stupid' written on my forehead? You have been *given* time to deal with the Rebellion. You have *not* dealt with the Rebellion. Do you know what your problem is? You are too subtle... too political. You have always been such. You have tried your way. Now we shall do things my way.

He gestures to the box, and the two women attending it unlock it. It opens like a lotus flower, revealing a gigantic pearl [hereafter referred to as the DEATH EGG], three feet in diameter and shining white with hints of other colors in its surface. Occasionally the odd spark of Octarine dances across it. Hong gestures again, and the women close and seal the box once again.

DARTH VETINARI
[immediately suspicious] What is that?

Lord Hong smiles unpleasantly. He appears to have short fangs [think of Wesley Snipes' teeth in the "Blade" movies].

LORD HONG
Control.

*****

End of Part 1.