Disclaimer: See Part 1.

*****

EXT – SOMEWHERE IN KLATCH

PAN ACROSS

The landscape, following a rather ungraceful skidmark across the otherwise smooth landscape, culminating in a battered Imperial escape pod. The door is open, and we hear someone gasping and grunting in effort. Further exploration along a trail of increasingly more fatigued-looking tracks reveals the individual to be the fallen Sith Lord, Darth Vetinari. His cape is in tatters, he is missing one glove, and it is clear all that armour is stiflingly hot as he drags himself over the harsh wasteland towards a collection of rocks and possible shelter from the blazing heat. He really wishes he had one of those portable fans with him right now.

Presently he pauses and tries to wipe the sweat from his face. He sits back on his heels and takes off the fearsome helmet he has worn all through the trilogy so he can better accomplish this, revealing a distinct silver streak in his otherwise raven-black hair. As he tries to get his breath back, we hear the sound of rocks grating against each other. He looks up at the sound and goes dead pale when he sees that…

THE DRAGON

is advancing upon him over a cluster of rocks, her baby at her side. She looks as though she is going to *enjoy* this. Below her and in front of the rocks, we also see Death waiting patiently for his part in this whole thing.

As the Dragon's shadow falls across Vetinari like a death-shroud:

DARTH VETINARI

Oh… poopie.

One of her wings unfurls and blocks our view…

QUIRM – A FEW DAYS LATER

The wreckage of the Millennium Falcon, as well as the more obvious debris of the Last Battle, has been cleaned up from the city streets, but the structural damage still remains for the most part. A few wizards in Quirmish-designed scaffolds and harnesses are working at restoring the Ivory Tower. There is activity within.

INT – IVORY TOWER

The main ballroom of the noble structure has been decorated and filled with people for a formal awards ceremony. Among the honoured guests are Ridcully [in something colourful donated by the Quirmish], Vimes [in full dress armour], Ponder Stibbons [in the newest robes he owns], and the Librarian [freshly groomed and deflea-ed]. Carrot is still conspicuously absent; this omission weighs heavily upon Angua, who stands at the head of the carpeted aisle with her parents, Threepio, and Persephone 9000 [both well-polished]. The general mood is slightly somber.

After an expectant pause, King Guye leans over and whispers in Angua's ear. She nods reluctantly, and gestures to start the music for the ceremony.

The band only gets through a single chord, and the honourees a single step, before there is a loud crackling sound as lightning licks over the chamber. The chandelier shorts out in a shower of sparks, then reality opens up a short distance below the fixture and regurgitates the battered and abused red phone booth. The booth lands heavily in the middle of the aisle with a jolt that nearly tips it over, but it resettles on its base without misadventure.

It is smoking and scorched, as though it really did get out of the exploding ship by the narrowest of margins. The windows are so blackened with smoke that the passengers, if there are any, cannot be seen. The antenna, now badly mangled, gives off a feeble spark.

Angua's eyes and mouth go very wide.

PRINCESS ANGUA

Get it open! Now!

A few of the stronger Quirmish manage to pry open the folding doors [this takes some effort, since the metal is heat-warped slightly. Smoke billows out, and for a few beats nothing else is evident.

Then, rather abruptly, the four passengers – Rincewind, Preston, Logan, and finally Carrot – avalanche out, landing in an untidy tangle of limbs and bruises, with Rincewind at the bottom of the pile. In all, they appear to have attempted to take on a volcano with a squirt gun.

RINCEWIND

Ow.

CARROT

[lifting his head] Looks like we've made it just in time. That was an excellent display of dialing skills there, Bill.

PRESTON

Thanks, dude. It's all in the fingers, right, Ted?

LOGAN

Totally.

They unpile themselves and, after a bit of last-minute straightening of clothing and manual demussing of hair, arrange themselves in front of the assembled guests. Carrot notices the silence first.

CARROT

[concerned] We didn't miss it, did we?

Angua starts laughing through her tears of relief.

PRINCESS ANGUA

No… no, you're just in time.

PRESTON

[bows] That's our specialty, royal Discworld babe.

Logan smacks him in the back of the head.

PRESTON

What?!

LOGAN

[stage whisper] "Royal Discworld babe"? Show a little respect, dude! It's obvious that… [gestures meaningfully to Angua and Carrot] You know. Attached.

PRESTON

Oh. Sorry, Carrot-dude.

PRINCESS ANGUA

Now that the honoured guests have all arrived…

The band starts [again], and Our Intrepid Heroes proceed up to the dais. As she awards the medals and honours:

PRINCESS ANGUA

To Captain Vimes, we award the Medal of Excellence, for his part in organizing the Rebel Alliance against the Empire.

VIMES

Always a pleasure.

PRINCESS ANGUA

To Ridcully and Chewbacca, we award Medals of Valour, for so bravely fighting for our cause, and for Ridcully deliberately not being an arsehole. [sotto] But I still hate disco music.

RIDCULLY

The Falcon's being fixed, right?

PRINCESS ANGUA

*Yes*, Ridcully. It'll be good as new. To Ponder Stibbons on behalf of the Ivory Tower, we award the Quirmish Star of Innovation for their part in repelling the Imperial attack on Quirm.

Stibbons blushes with pride and doffs his hat respectfully to accept the medal.

PONDER STIBBONS

This is… certainly an honour, Your Grace.

PRINCESS ANGUA

To Rincewind, we award the Medal of Valour—

RINCEWIND

[clearly not expecting this] Wh- what?

PRINCESS ANGUA

--for his part in freeing several captured Rebels deep within enemy territory.

She raises the medal to place it over his head, then hesitates.

PRINCESS ANGUA

[stage whisper] Rincewind, your hat.

RINCEWIND

Er – what about it?

PRINCESS ANGUA

[sotto] The medal won't fit over the brim.

RINCEWIND

Oh.

He sheepishly takes off his hat [he has bad hat hair] and accepts the medal.

PRINCESS ANGUA

And finally, to Carrot, we award the Medal of Excellence, for unparalleled bravery and discipline, as well as devotion to duty during the entire trilogy, as well as your part in the dissolution of the Empire.

He smiles modestly as he accepts the medal.

CARROT

It was an honour. [hesitates] I just have one question… for your parents – if you don't mind me doing this here.

PRINCESS ANGUA

[puzzled] Er, go ahead.

Carrot turns to Guye and Serafina and bows deeply. He takes a cleansing breath, wets his lips and plunges in:

CARROT

King Guye… Queen Serafina… Your Collective Graces… It has been the deepest honour to know your daughter, and I'd like to spend the rest of my life with her. I respectfully request your permission to marry Angua.

Angua makes a happy little noise and looks expectantly at her parents. King Guye opens his mouth [the intended response does not appear positive], but before he can say anything Threepio plucks at his sleeve and hands him a familiar scroll. Guye unfurls the scroll and reads it. Then he reads it a second time. Finally, just to make certain, he reads it a third time. Finally:

KING GUYE

[to Threepio] The throne of Ankh-Morpork?!

PONDER THREEPIO

It's true, sir. Persephone helped me with the research, and all our sources agree. The last recorded members of that bloodline were Jedi, believed killed somewhere in the Ramtop Mountains eighteen years ago – his parents, as it happens. [to Carrot] Master Carrot, would you turn around, please?

Carrot obediently turns his back on the royals, and Threepio pulls aside the collar of Carrot's shirt to expose the crown-shaped birthmark.

PONDER THREEPIO [cont'd]

As it happens, every male in his father's line all had this same crown-shaped mark.

KING GUYE

So. The dwarf-raised miner *is* royalty.

CARROT

[turning back to face Guye and Serafina] Without exaggeration, I think you'd be hard-pressed to find anyone who loves your daughter more than I do. It would mean the Disc to me. [Guye hesitates] Please.

Those assembled are quite silent now, waiting for Guye's answer. He can feel the weight of public opinion on him; it is clear that everyone assembled would like to see a happy ending for the two young heroes. He grumbles.

PRINCESS ANGUA

Daddy…?

KING GUYE

All right! All *right* – Carrot, I grant you my permission to marry Angua.

And the crowd goes wild. Carrot and Angua hug warmly. After a few moments, Preston raises his hand, with the look of someone who is trying to work something out.

QUEEN SERAFINA

Yes? Who are you, young man?

PRESTON

Bill S. Preston, Esquire, Your Most Excellent Queenliness. I just have one question.

QUEEN SERAFINA

Go ahead and ask your question, then.

PRESTON

If Carrot's a prince, and Angua's a princess, when they get married that'll make them King and Queen, right?

QUEEN SERAFINA

Yes – he will become the king of Ankh-Morpork.

PRESTON

And if my memory of King Arthur stories serves—

LOGAN

You never read King Arthur, dude!

PRESTON

Have too! Who do you think is Prince Valiant's dad?

LOGAN

[clueless] Oh, right.

PRESTON

As I was saying – one of Carrot's king-y duties will be making knights, right?

QUEEN SERAFINA

This is also true… but what is your question?

PRESTON

When he makes someone a knight, he's not gonna go around tapping people on the shoulders with his lightsaber, is he? I mean a sword is fine as far as that goes, but a lightsaber…? That would *hurt*!

Serafina smiles, finally seeing Preston's concern.

QUEEN SERAFINA

I'm certain a great Jedi would know the dangers of his own lightsaber. Are you formally requesting a knighthood for your part in aiding the rebellion?

There is a startled pause and Preston and Logan stare at each other. The moment culminates in a single word:

PRESTON/ LOGAN [unison]

EXCELLENT!

They each strum an energetic riff on their air guitars.

VOICE [below frame]

Hoo boy – there goes the Disc.

PAN DOWN

in search of the speaker; we find only a scruffy-looking, mangy little dog that might at one time have been a terrier mix, watching the whole proceedings with its back to the camera while scratching pensively behind one ragged ear. It finishes its rudimentary toilet and turns to look over its shoulder at the camera.

DOG

Woof, woof. What the hell you lookin' at?

FADE TO BLACK.

END CREDITS.

Dramatis Personae:

THE GOOD

Carrot Skywalker

Princess Angua

Ridcully

Chewbacca

Captain Samuel Vimes

Lady Sybil Ramkin

Leonard da Quirm

Ponder Stibbons

Skazz

Tezz

Adrian

Ponder Threepio

R2-D2

Persephone 9000

Teppic

Chidder

Casanunda

Assorted wizards

Assorted rebels

Assorted extras

THE BAD

Darth Vetinari

Lord Hong

Mr Teatime

Assorted Imperials

THE UGLY

The Dragon

with

Gaspode the Wonder Dog as himself

*****

Finis.