Hello, this is Ficus! I know I haven't been active recently. And I know Formerly Complicated is somehow on hiatus, but I lost the feeling. Soon enough, I'll start doing it again. I lost my inspiration and the whole feeling of that story, and it will take time to get it back.

While that, I am writing this. It is called Disadvantage. It's a The Flash story, because recently I've been a lot into this TV series. It is so damn good and I recomment the whole universe to try to watch it. It's thousand times better than Arrow and billion times better than any super-hero TV series ever made (and there are many made!)

With no further introduction, Disadvantage! Happy reading!

Barry Allen wandered around the Labs calling her name. 'Where are you, Caitlin? Please don't be down there. Why would you go there alone?' Ever since Caitlin first told Barry about Ronnie's death, he felt her fear of that place, that all dear to her is going to disappear behind those big iron doors. They were freaking her out. Then what reason would make her go there?

Barry ran to the Labs' basement, to the particle accelerator, or, more precisely, to its ruins. He bit his lip when he got there. 'Catlin!'

She was standing down there with her head against the iron doors that once separated her from a dying Ronnie. He did not even get the chance to tell her he loved before being taken away by wrongly accelerated particles that tore him to pieces smaller than tears. She was destroyed. She was torn in two too. Caitlin covered her face with her arms, possibly covering tears too. She did not notice Barry coming.

He wasn't sure if he should disturb her.

She gasped in pain.

Barry felt useless. 'Come on, Caitlin.' He turned around to leave. He remembered all the times he just wanted to cry the pain out of him but nobody let him. Comfort from anyone sucks and doesn't work at all. All orphans without a father or a mother or both, all broken-hearted people who lost possibly the love of their whole lives, everybody like that know that. Barry then heard her calling his name.

''I did not hear you coming. What are you doing?'' She wiped the tears off, but her eyes were still red.

''I wanted to ask you something. I'll come later.''

She stood from the ground. ''Barry, I'm okay. What is it?'' He still found traces of pain, enough proof that she wasn't really okay.

''As you know, Joe had given my mom's murder's file a few days ago. There are some samples of my mom's clothes and of the carpet and I thought, maybe, we might get a trace of a DNA. I know it's been there for over ten years, but still, I think we might have a chance.'' He looked at her. Althought she tried to focus on what he was saying, she was clearly thinking about something else. 'What happened, Caitlin?' Barry wondered.

Caitlin's eyes met his as spoke, ''Yes, I will help you, not today. I have some things to do today.'' She barely could stop her tears from starting to fall. 'Oh God, I can't be this weak.' She thought.

Barry took a few steps forward. He tried to choose the right words. ''Come on, Caitlin, you see yourself that you are not okay. What is it?''

''I'm fine. I have some appointments in town today, but tomorrow I'll check out the DNA of a billion carpets. Barry, please.'' Caitlin tried to fake a smile, failing. 'Why on Earth do you have to care about me, Barry.'

He knew she wasn't. ''No, Caitlin, you, please, tell me what going on with you.''

''Yesterday was Ronnie's birthday. And I forgot. And I forgot because I was doing something completely different,'' she eventually confessed, giving up the fight against her own tears. They started falling down. Caitlin felt guilty because she did not know at first how to grief, how to be sad, because she did not realise he was really gone, because she never needed comfort, but Ronnie back and lots of things to break in two. Caitlin never let out all the sadness and the anger. She was angry at the world. It sucks. Fate sucks. 'After your mom died, did you ever forget completely of her birthday? Or forget about it because you were doing something completely wrong, though it was the only way not to lose your damn mind, to stay sane. That's what I feel, Barry. I am still with my head on my shoulders because of all the certain things I am doing and all the certain things that are happening to me.'

'That's the anger you need to release, Caitlin.' He clenched his fists. ''What certain things?''

'Tell then feel freed, okay, Caitlin Snow!' She still had to gather some courage, a lot of it. ''I am sleeping with him!'' She put her hands in her head and turned around. Then she whispered something to herself, something Barry couldn't understand. He anyway was deeply processing what she said. He wasn't expecting that.

''With Cisco?'' he asked.

Caitlin snorted. Somehow, it was also a laugh, though she tried to make it not sound like one. ''Seriously? No.' She gave him a serious look, one that had to inspire the answer in Barry's mind. It was a strange look, though, one immediately recognisable as coming from the one person that finds almost everything fascinating.

''Oh, him!'' The realization hit him in the stomach, worse than all the fists and kicks from Mardon, Nymbus and Black together.

''Years ago, Ronnie was an orphan struggling to live every single day. He, though, noticed Ronnie had some kind of native talent for engineering. He made Ronnie try out to go to college. Later on, when I was chosen for the Particle Accelerator Project, I met Ronnie, who was already part of it. It was mad. Remember when I told you we were fire and ice, we really were. He was so explosive and I calmed him down. I was so mellow and slow and he carried me back to Earth always. I really loved Ronnie, Barry.'' Caitlin stopped to breath. 'Don't you dare faint! You are not that weak!'

''Caitlin...,'' he had to keep her sane and calm her down then. She was burning up, red at face, screaming all her words.

''I know, I know. I must be I really terrible person for all I am doing. I loved Ronnie. And he also cared about him. All my life has always been so damn rational, and then, nine months ago, only then I acted on how I felt, on how my broken myocardium thought. I just couldn't think of a better way to face my whole world turning upside-down than grieving and coping everything with someone who felt almost the same pain.''

Barry cleared his throat before speaking. He won time to think about what he was going to say. ''So, all those nine months, you released all your mixed feelings of anger and grief by sleeping with him?'

She sighed. ''That and eating ice-cream with Cisco.''

The young meta-human snorted. He then left. Caitlin could only look, saddened. 'What on Earth did I just do? I am so stupid, and so weak, and so childish. I always knew that I should have died that day. What on Earth did I just do?' She then sat again, resting again her head against the iron doors. Ronnie was so close to her, there. Then, thinking about Ronnie, feeling guilt on and on, the worst possible memory came to her mind.

Nine months ago, the particle accelerator made by Harrison Wells and his team blew up, and also causing a strange storm whose lighting that had struck Barry Allen. Nine months ago, they tried to stop it, but they couldn't. A lot of people died in the explosion, including Ronnie Raymond, Dr. Caitlin Snow's fiance. He died inside the accelerator, trying to manually stop it. He died talking to Caitlin via a handheld transceiver, without even getting the chance to say he loved her. During the evacuation, Harrison Wells disappeared. He was later found in the lab, already paralyzed in the lower part of the body. Barry Allen, as a comatose, was later brought to S.T.A.R. Labs. Nine months after the event, a few weeks ago, he woke up.

Weeks after everything collapsed in a blink of an eye, right in front of her, Caitlin Snow was half the person she once was. She felt useless and guilty of all the deaths that happened, including Ronnie's death. She thought all the her calculations her correct, she had them checked with Harrison's. Everything seemed so right, but then it wasn't anymore. Caitlin had to be remembered every minute that it wasn't her fault at all. She felt it was though, always.

''Caitlin! Cait! Dr. Snow! Caitlin! Cait! Dr. Snow! Caitlin! Caitlin!'' The voices were taking her sanity away. She was anyway on a mountain-rousse that went only down. She was going nuts, especially when it was only Ronnie's voice that rang in her head as painfully as the meeting of salt with any wound. All her wounds were open. That night Caitlin Snow was torn apart psychologically, just as Ronnie Raymond was torn apart, limb by limb, physically.

So, a few weeks from the event, damaged and unstable, Caitlin knew no way to face the pain. It was him who came one night to her appartment to ask her to continue to collaborate with him later on. It was the day she heard that the accelerated particles may have hit some random people turning them into something more.

''Dr. Snow, then, everything that happened was because the particle accelerator wasn't meant to work. Our technology is clearly not advanced enough. Who knows, Caitlin? Soon, we can try it again, this time to honour those that died in the accident.''

She looked at him, not understanding what he was talking about. ''How do you plan to do that? Nobody is going to sponsor the project from now on.''

'I think they should. They have seen the accelerated particles' power, and even more might come later. And if they have the smallest bit of imagination, they will realize that if ever controlled, the particle accelerator might bring to the humanity pure energy and power, more, cheaper and better working. I plan to gather information from specific subjects. There were some people affected by storm that was caused by the machine. They are to be studied, Caitlin.''

Caitlin was finally getting the idea. ''Like the guy struck by the lighting bolt.''


She clenched her fists before she answered. ''Yes, I am in.''

The corners of his mouth formed a smile. He wasn't that kind of person that smiles easily. When he did that though, he looked charming. In a blink of an eye, Caitlin's world collided again, as she rose from her seat and got closer. She kissed him. It wasn't like she knew why. She just did. Ever since the accident, her rational life hadn't been rational anymore. She wasn't thinking right. What consequences could be after that? The greatest thing for her, then delusional and not-caring about what she was doing, was that he answered. He kissed her back.

She then helped him get off of his wheelchair, taking him slowly to the bed. He managed moving better than she thought he would. It must be terrifying to have to life in a wheelchair. As they got to the bed and she started undressing, she lost all contact with the real world. Everything was pleasure. Everything was nice. There was no Ronnie to grieve. There was no guilt to fear. It was the first time in weeks she actually felt she was human, full-blooded, not damaged, with no single wound. Up until a lot of time later, she wouldn't know certainly if it wasn't him or not who made her feel herself again.

Everything, whatever that was during those moments, became wild. What she was doing there with a man that up until then was only a boss to her never happened between her and Ronnie. It was the first time for her, first time to feel happy for being human, first time to feel great in so long. She finally felt she could let the past go, and live in present. After all, she only had the present and the future ahead. Once it happened the past is gone from all records, except from memory.

Of course, then, Caitlin couldn't have known that those strange, but pleasant moments were to become very usual. Like any young woman, she had all the rights to feel good and all the rights not to be sad. And when she realized how usual those feeling became, it hit her in the face. She was forgetting Ronnie. She was fighting the guilt and the anger. Ronnie would always be in her heart, still his voice had got out of her head. That meant something. That meant so much for the Caitlin Snow, who was rebuilding her wrecked life.

She threw the images away from her head. Caitlin truly liked everything she had with that man, but it was painful to think about that next to the place where her ex-fiance died. She stood and went back in the lab. There, Barry was still there.

''Look, Caitlin, I know what you felt when he died. I felt the same a lot of time after my mom was killed. And yes, I forgot about so many of her birthdays, because I was thinking how I can get dad out of Iron Heights. Even as a kid, I thought that what I was left with was more important than what I lost, because the past is gone and I am left to live the present and prepare to live the future. It is great you somehow found your way to come back to the ground. As long as you stay Caitlin and sane, do whatever you want to do! It is very okay.''

She gave him a shy smile. 'Thank God!'

''And if you want, you can eat ice-cream with me too,'' he continued, making her laugh. It was nice for her to feel she was on her feet, standing, existing, living and moving on. Maybe he was the one who kept her sane, but sanity isn't always about being connected with the real world too. If he made her human again after she broke in two months ago, then maybe there are other people that can also bring joy to her world, him or Barry, or Cisco, or anybody else in the big, big world.