A/N: And yet another fic for the love fest. This one, again, without no actual 'ugly bumping', so to speak. I hope you like it. It has some CobraKina too!
It should be noted that I have bastardized the whole concept of 'Caught in the Act' to 'Overheard after the Act', so to speak. Hope you don't mind!
There was only so much a man's ears could take. Seriously.
As a former member of a pretty lethal dark guild, Erik was widely considered a bastard among bastards. It wasn't a reputation he despised (in fact, he did like it quite a bit as it tended to keep gutless weenies he had no patience for away) but he really wasn't as much of a bastard as people thought. Well, slightly not as much, at least. For instance, of all the things he heard from people's minds (and he heard a lot) he only mocked about ten percent… twenty when he was really bored. That was generous of him, right?
But, hell, there was a line.
He wasn't a prude by anybody's standards. Crap, he'd even take a look at the dirty magazines the guild idiots would leave lying around and eventually ended up in the lost-and-found closet where he often led Kina into. But that didn't mean he was okay with spending a week taking that all the time, and from the guy he considered his boss, of all people. It was every fucking day: naked Titania, moaning Titania, bouncing Titania… Everything Titania!
Fuck Titania! He was sick of it.
It had been bad enough when the idiot actively pushed dirty thoughts about the Fairy Queen out of his mind, feeling guilty and undeserving before they were dating. Back then, there would be a little perverted fantasy every once in a while and a whole lot of imagining the woman all goddess-like, travelling atop unicorns, floating on air and twinkling while surrounded by flowery shit like in those girly mangas Kina would read every once in a while.
In time, they had started going out and things had escalated, again not to unbearable levels. Perverted fantasies would come more often but they remained rather tame most of the time, unless a landmark was reached – Cobra was disgusted to admit that he would probably be able to name exactly when the those two idiots had gotten to first and second base.
But then, one week before, shit had hit the fan when Titania popped the boss's cherry… or not. He couldn't tell if the guy had had any action since his thoughts never really went there. But fuck him, if the guy didn't act like such a virgin whose willy had just seen action for the first time.
Ever since then, it had been naked-Titania-shaped spam all the goddamn time! It wasn't that the woman wasn't easy on the eye or anything but he had a damn woman of his own and he could do without knowing the exact measurements of a former opponent's rack (though, to be honest, he wasn't even sure those were the real measurements of the woman – somehow, her cans sounded even bigger in his pervert of a team mate's mind than in real life).
He had put up with the height of it for a week out of… courtesy. The man had, after all, contributed to the pretty sweet life he had now and saved his bacon a bunch of times during miscellaneous confrontations. One could say he owed him some repayment and, as far as Erik was concerned, one week of suffering in silence in hopes that the moron would get over his newfound sex life and take the mental porn down a notch was enough for said repayment to be achieved.
He reached his limit on the morning of the eighth day when, upon meeting with his team mates to devise a strategy to take down a dark guild, the friggin' blue-haired bitch in heat was yet again too busy looking across the room at Titania while she sat at the bar and imagining her doing stuff to him that should come with a content warning of its own.
Finally out of patience, he punched the table. As usual, the guild around them was making a massive racket, so only his team mates heard the bang, nearly jumping out of their seats!
"God, Erik, what was that for?!" Pinkie demanded. "Give us a little warning next time you go bananas."
"Take a hike, Pinkie," he told her. "The boss and I need to have a man-to-man chat."
"What?! No way," she said. "He used to hear my girly talks with Ultear all the time! It's only fair I do the same!"
Jellal didn't bother to point out that the reason why he so often heard them was because they made him.
"Well, I'm not Ultear, so do take a hike," he said. She didn't look willing and, because he was particularly desperate to breach the subject and not have the little spitfire running commentary on the side, he put a bunch of jewel on the table. "There, go get yourself an ice cream or something."
"Hey! I'm not five!"
Jellal sighed. "Just do what he says, Meredy," he said while shooting her the please-comply-because-this-could-be-serious' look.
She pouted deeply. "Fine. You meanies," she mumbled, getting up and dragging herself away from the table.
"You'd be thanking me if you knew what this was about!" Erik shouted after her, who turn around and showed him her tongue. He just rolled his eyes.
"What's wrong?" Jellal asked, sounding concerned.
Erik gaped at him. "'What's wrong?' asks the pervert looking all serious and decent-like," he said in disbelief. "I'll tell you what's wrong! Your head, that's what!"
"Have you forgotten what sort of magic I use? Aside from the Dragon Slayer type?" Jellal shot him a blank look in return. "Sound magic! The kind that makes me hear every fucking thing that goes through your mind."
For all his genius factor, the jewel sure took its time to drop in Jellal Fernandes' head. And, when it did, there was only horror in his face. "You mean…"
"Yeah. I mean that this entire week has been like a never-ending porno for the visually impaired in my head when you're around! The fuck, man?! Ever heard of self-control?!
The former wizard saint was so red he looked like he might explode. "I… you… it… it didn't occur to me… I… Dear Mavis, I am so sorry."
Erik glared. "You think an apology will do me any good?! Put an end to it! Now!"
"I… I'll try," he said. "I… just let me…" He put all his might in attempting to clear his head of all thoughts but the phrase 'don't think of Erza like that'. He thought of it over and over: 'don't think of Erza like that', 'don't think of Erza like that', 'don't think of Erza like that'… and then, after a while, a clandestine thought pushed through – naked Erza, swing above him, head tilted forward, the tips of her hair tickling his chest…
"No! Stop it, you moron! Think of something else! The national anthem or some shit like that!" Cobra demanded, trying unsuccessfully to push the mental image out of his head.
"I don't remember all of the lyrics!"
Cobra shot him a look that said 'are you screwing with me?!' "Just fucking do something!"
"I'm trying! I… Can't you just… tone your hearing range down a bit instead?"
"Tone it down?!" he said in disbelief. "No, I can't friggin' tone it down! Not when your head is screaming it at me. You know, you are a real pervert! I mean, it's not the first time hear guys around this guild lusting over their women. This guild seems to be a real landing spot for nymphos, now that I think of it." A section of his mind was bursting through the seams with all sorts of sexual dirt, ranging from someone's fake boobs, to yet another someone's third nipple, crossing through a whole plethora of tramp stamps, weird kinks and shit like that that he was saving for a rainy day. "But you… you are a whole new level. They do say it's always the quiet ones."
"But… but I…"
"Something wrong, gentlemen?" a familiar voice asked. They turned to it to see Erza approaching with an unamused look on her face, having spotted their intense conversation from afar.
And so, just by seeing her, Jellal's mind went there. Not only there but to the most graphic of the graphic in there.
Erik audibly cringed. "The fuck, you kinky freak?!"
"I'm sorry! Sorry! I'm trying!"
Erza eyed them suspiciously. "What on Earthland is the matter with you?"
"By you, I hope you mean your deviant of a boyfriend, who's been spamming my head with dirty thoughts about you every goddamned day for the past week!"
"That's right. You created a monster when you decided to bang him. And, by the way, semi-public place for the first time? You really are a match made in hell…"
Her face was as red as her hair. "You… you…"
"Yeah, yeah. Shock. Horror," he said, looking bored. "Not like I asked for it – in fact, I'm asking the very opposite right now. Get. It. Fixed. I don't care how. Lobotomize him, bang the hell out of him until it becomes old news… I don't care! Because, here's the deal: if by the end of this week this matter isn't toned down to acceptable levels, I'm going to start narrating."
"Na… narrating?!" Jellal said in disbelief. Erza's mind seemed to have gone bust by then and he could only hear parade music and yelps in her mind, like she was mentally picturing being crushed by a marching band.
"That's right. Providing a voice for the kinky shit that's been making its way from your mind to mine. Consider it encouragement to tone it down."
By then, the parade music coming from Erza's head stopped and he started hearing the sounds of something frying. Likely, his head in a massive pool of boiling oil.
She gasped. "How dare you make such an indecent threat?!"
"You're one to talk about indecency, Miss I-have-a-sex-bucket-list-that-includes-doing-it-in-a-kiddy-playground. I'm the bad guy here and even I think of the children!"
She was seething and the frying noise grew louder. "You… you…"
"Yeah, don't think you've been quiet either. You just don't hang around me often enough for it to be as fucking annoying as it is with this guy. So, take my advice, you sexed-up beasts: stay out of my way until you have this under control or else the kinky chronicles will begin," he warned them.
"But… the job…" Jellal mumbled, referring to the one they'd been getting ready to.
"Pinkie and I will take of it," he informed it. "Just get it fixed!"
Still glaring at the Poison Dragon Slayer, Erza pulled Jellal up from his seat by the back of the collar. "Come on. We are going home," she informed him.
Jellal didn't respond, following her without complaint.
"Grab some sports drink on your way there!" Cobra called after them. "You'll need the extra hydration."
A dagger flew all the way from the door, landing on pillar standing right behind him and missing him by about one eight of an inch.
Kinana, who'd been passing by while carrying an empty tray, let out a yelp as she saw it and dropped the tray onto the floor. "Erik! What was that?!" she demanded, staring at the dagger, sticking from the wood and the general area it had come from. "Was that Erza?"
"Yep," he said calmly.
His girlfriend shot him a narrow-eyed look. "What did you do? She usually just doesn't go around throwing knives at people for no reason."
"Don't look at me like that – I'm just looking after my sanity," he informed her. "If only you knew what was going on in their filthy heads…"
She sighed and picked up the tray, then reached past him for the dagger (in the process accidentally giving him quite the eyeful of her cleavage) and pulled it out of the wood. "I'll just take this to lost and found, then," she said, still shooting him a disapproving look. "Behave!"
"Yes, ma'am," he easily replied in a tone that was clearly up to no good as his former snake walked away, towards the bar.
It occurred to him that it was a good thing that he was the only person in the guild who constantly heard other people's thoughts without meaning to. Because if someone was able to hear his right now, he might just be accused of indecent spamming himself.
A/N2 - See you on Saturday for 'Heaven'!