A/N I've had this lying around for years. Back when I was writing Larger Than Life, it occurred to me to do a musical episode. One of my favorite comic songs is Bring Me My Bride, from A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to the Forum, specifically the movie version starring Zero Mostel. The song introduces the character of Miles Gloriosus, whose name literally means the Bragging Soldier, an arrogant dangerous buffoon. I changed the lyrics slightly. This version is sung by all the main players, although I don't know if any of the actors other than ZL can sing.

You can go to youtube and find the video there. I just typed in Bring Me My Bride and the one I wanted was the third one down (I can't put in the whole URL but here's the important part. v=vN-ttCBHyx8). For those of you who've never seen it, I would recommend watching it at least once just to get the idea, and then let the music play with these lyrics in front of you. If I could find an instrumental karaoke version I'd make a Chuck-themed video, but I haven't found just the music so I'm putting this up here as is.

[SHAW]

My bride...
My bride!
I must avenge my bride

Must slaughter those who carried her from my side!
Let haste be made!
I cannot be delayed:
There are missions to misguide, assets to risk, and partners unbetrayed.
[Shaw leers at Sarah]
Look at these arms!
Look at this chest!
Look at them!
[puts hand on belt buckle]
Not to mention the rest.

[Casey and Sarah roll their eyes]

[CASEY]
Maybe Chuck is impressed.

[CHUCK]
My bride!
My bride!
He's trying to steal my bride.

[CASEY]
You haven't proposed...

[CHUCK]

But marriage was e'er implied!

[SARAH]

[turns to Shaw]

I'm not a perq!
You really are a jerk!

[turns to Chuck]
I'm not easily had, and you're just as bad,

So let's get back to work.

[CASEY]
Crushed underfoot!
Crushed under heel!
Smashing their pathetic hopes of appeal!

[SHAW]
This is no big deal!
I—

[CASEY]

Have no hope in Hades.

[SHAW]

I—

[CHUCK]

Can't score with the ladies.

[SHAW]

I, so suave and debonair,
So full of savoir faire,

[CHUCK & CASEY]

(That's just French for 'hot air')

[SHAW]
will set her heart aflame

I'm gonna get that dame.

[SHAW]
I, Special Agent Dan Shaw

[CHUCK & CASEY]

He doesn't miss his wife much

[SARAH]
A pig like all men!

[SHAW]
I, paragon of virtue

[CHUCK & CASEY]

He moved on pretty quickly

[SARAH]
Stick him in a pen!

[SHAW]
I, with boyish charm to spare,
have perfectly coiffed hair.

I'm muscular to boot,

I look great in a suit-
I am a galoot!

[CHUCK & CASEY]
He's such a tool, stupid and vain,
Look at the size of his ego he must be insane!

[SARAH]
If his equipment can match most girls wouldn't complain!
Just sayin'…

[SHAW]
My bride!
My bride!
She's soon to be my bride

[SARAH] (pulling knife)

This is too much for me to just take in stride!

[CHUCK]

She's got her knives!

We should run for our lives

[CASEY]

It's not us she'll be attacking.

Not our ribs she'll soon be cracking

We'll let her go, and stand off to one side!

[SHAW] [CASEY & CHUCK] [SARAH]

Bring me my— Unleash his— You'll join your—

[ALL].
briiiiiiiiii-

[deep breath]

-iiiiiiiiide!

(Sarah moves in as the screen fades to black.)

[Wilhelm scream]