In which Sirius thinks he's going insane because of Remus, but Remus is the only one who makes him feel sane.
Imaginary friend!wolfstar au for Emily (GGE 2014-Nov)
Sirius goes up to his bedroom after dinner that night, just as he always does. He likes his bedroom. It feels safe, safe from the criticism and judgment of his parents, from the questioning looks from Regulus whenever Sirius doesn't follow their parents' every wishes.
His room is also the only place where Sirius can be with Remus.
"Hi," Sirius says as he closes the door behind him. Remus is sitting on his bed, and he smiles as the other boy comes to sit by his side.
"You were gone for longer than usual. What happened?" Remus's eyes are concerned. Sirius has told him enough stories of his family for Remus to worry when anything is out of the ordinary.
Sirius shrugs. "Nothing, really. Mother and Father thought they needed to remind me of how I'm going to Hogwarts soon. They wanted to make sure I act on my best behaviour so I don't disappoint the family." He scoffs before continuing, and Remus cracks a smile. They all know how Sirius has always acted how he pleases. Sirius's constant disregard for the position his family tries to uphold is usually what gets him into trouble.
"Are you going to be at Hogwarts with me, too?" Sirius asks. His voice, in this one line, goes from arrogant and cocky to soft and vulnerable. Remus wonders how many sleepless nights Sirius has spent wondering about this.
Remus selects his words carefully. He doesn't know of many people who would want to keep him around while at school. Most people don't believe in what they can't see, and Remus is only visible to Sirius. He would tell Sirius this, but the look of pleading, caring innocence stops Remus. "If you want me to. I can stay with you forever, if you'd like."
Remus watches Sirius's eyes widen and light up at the thought of being with Remus forever.
"My parents… They say you're not real. They think, that just because they don't see you, that you don't really exist. I know they're wrong, that's why I don't talk about you much." Sirius kicks his feet back and forth against his bed, eyes trained on them instead of Remus. "They are wrong, aren't they?"
Remus knows the truth. He knows that he's only real to Sirius, but he's known the boy for long enough to know not to say this. Remus is the only person Sirius trusts.
"If I'm real to you, that must mean I'm real, doesn't it?" Remus smiles as firm confidence trickles back into Sirius's eyes. "And if you're sure of that, what they think shouldn't matter."
"Mother said I was mad, that you make me crazy."
Remus closes his eyes before responding. He doesn't want to put this on Sirius. It's all Remus's fault that he's even here in the first place. Remus chose to come to Sirius, and Sirius shouldn't be punished or treated any differently by his family because of him. Remus feels an awful, heavy feeling of guilt settle in the pit of his stomach.
His voice is small, unconfident, when he replies. "You're not crazy."
Remus can't blame Sirius for being unconvinced by this. He knows his voice lacks any conviction at all, but Remus can't lie to Sirius either.
"You're not crazy because of me. And if you are crazy, well… Is that really such a bad thing?" Remus is trying to convince himself as much as he is trying to convince Sirius, and he knows it.
Sirius still looks confused. He throws himself back to lay on his back on his bed, and Remus follows suit, watching Sirius closely. "So," Sirius starts slowly, talking out his thoughts. "If they don't think you exist, what do they think you are?"
"I'm a part of you, I suppose. And maybe I don't really exist to anyone else, but I do to you. Isn't that enough?"
Sirius hates himself for the pained tone of Remus's voice. "Yes!" he insists. "It is enough, I promise. I didn't—I didn't mean… It's not that I don't think you're really real. I don't even care if they think I'm insane. They make me insane, not you."
Though this isn't exactly comforting for Remus, it still helps. He doesn't even know what he expects anymore, but he finds himself continuing to talk. "You're not—"
"Maybe I am mad. I don't care what they think of me anymore. Soon enough, I'll be at school, I won't have to worry with them."
There's silence for a while. Sirius's eyelids fall closed, and his breathing steadies after a while. Remus never leaves him when he's sleeping, preferring to stay, just in case.
Just as Remus starts to drift into a sleep of his own, Sirius turns towards him.
"You're the best part of me, I hope you know that."