Of Cows and the Holy Goat

"By all that is holy, what is this madness?"

It was a foolish question, Roland reflected. Madness had gripped all of Sanctuary, there was no reason to suspect this farm should be any different. And the Light, for all its strength, could not always break through the darkness of said madness. But even so, while he had slain demons, beasts, and even his fellow man, nothing had compared him to the horror that this farm had brought. What blasphemy it represented against Creation. Horrors that would give him nightmares darker than any hellspawn.

Cows. Walking cows with halberds.

"Foul creatures!" the paladin roared, cutting through the bovines' flesh as a cleaver would cut through the meat of a normal cow. A cow that existed to serve Man, not kill him. "Begone, hellspawn!"


The cows closed in. All mooing. All trying to carve him up.

Can cows eat meat?

He didn't know. The diet of cows wasn't something that he'd ever really considered. In fact, he'd never really thought about cows much, period.


But he still knew that cows weren't meant to be able to walk on two legs. Or wield halberds.


Or shoot bolts of light from their udders.

"Hell take you!"

He blocked the bolts with his shield. This was something new, and though he was sure it was his imagination, some of the cows looked surprised at this new development. But even so, they still pressed in. Some for melee. Some at range. Summoning a shield of light around him, Roland tried to break free of the melee he had found himself in. And for a time, it worked. Cow after cow fell to his blade. The blade itself was covered in blood. He had to return to the portal that had brought him here. Return to Khanduras, and continue his search for the Wanderer. Even for all the woe Diablo's malignance had wrought on that realm, it was still nothing compared to-


Nothing compared to a bolt of light hitting him, as shot from a cow's udders. Stunning him.


Hitting him again, sending him to the ground. Leaving him at the mercy of the cows' blades. Or even their hooves.

"Akarat, I beseech you, lend me your-"


A whole horde of cows were sent flying through the air. And Roland stared.


Had Akarat delivered him from evil? If so, he'd chosen a most unique way to do so. Because while he believed in the Light, and the Light's prophet, he was not aware of the prophet ever aiding his followers in such a manner.


Not by sending a rampaging goat.

The goat tore through the cows, and Roland watched. Bovine after bovine fell to its charge. Either impaled on its horns, or sent flying through the air.


Even the bolts of light did not phase it. Those cows too fell to its rage.



And soon, the cows were defeated. All that was left was those cows left on the ground, mooing their last moos as their sins caught up with them.


The goat turned around. And Roland fell down to one knee in reverence.

"Magnificent creature," he whispered. "Chosen beast of Akarat."


"Let it be known that I am grateful for your aid. Nevermore shall I eat lamb."


"That I shall regard the goat as Creation's most beautiful creature."


"That I shall forever remember your service, oh Lord of Goats."


Roland dared to lift his gaze. Watched as the goat turned around. As a portal opened. As it headed through, beyond sight and mind, to a realm that he could only dream of.

And then it closed. And he was left alone. With only the company of the Light to guide him.

And his memory of his saviour.

The Lord of Goats.


So, it turns out Goat Simulator has a secret level called "Twistram," that leads to "the Not So Secret Cow Farm." Pretty clear where this came from then.