Title: The Truth About Trees

Author: Tiny Q

E-Mail: one_legged_lesbian_seagull@hotmail.com

A/N: Ok, so here is the "present" that I was babbling about.  It's just a mix of odd things that I found mildly entertaining at one point in time or another while I was writing this story.  I warn you now though, it's a pretty dumb idea but it does have it's moments I suppose.  So yes, prepare yourself for a display of Tiny Q's pure insanity, riddled with a wide variety of inside jokes without explanation to save your own sanity.  Happy Holidays everybody!!

Disclaimer: I own nothing.  Nope.  Not a thing.

The "Present"


Well this first thing is my little rant on behalf of Joe.  For some reason many people thought him to be like an Ent.  But he is not an Ent!  He's a Tree Daemon.  He looks tree-like but is not anything like a tree itself!  Poor misunderstood Joe.  So here is a rant by him along to Molson Canadian's 'I am Canadian' commercial.  I just love their adds!  They're just so fun.  I wish they would put them all on a DVD and then I can watch them all.  ~begins to plot~  But I do find it kind of odd that Canadian nationalism is driven by advertisements from an American owned company.  Kind of makes you wonder, doesn't it?  Well anyways, enough conspiracy theory and on with...

I am a Tree Daemon


I'm not a treehearder

Or a treeman...

And I don't live behind a falling spring

Or drink glowing water

Or own a giant table...

And I don't know Treebeard, Bregalad or Quickbeam from Fangorn.

Although I'm certain they're fascinating people.

I have autonomy

Not a moot.

I speak English and Treeschil,

NOT Entish.

And I throw tantrums,

NOT rocks.

I can proudly chase those I don't like away.

I believe in beauty,

NOT conversation.

Cages, NOT freedom.

And that red hair is the most wondrous and attractive hair color there is!

A pet is better than an Ent-Wife.

A human is a pet.

And trees are just that, trees!

Tree Daemons are the second most populous Daemons.

The first creatures of bark.

And the best relatives of trees there are!




Ok, here is the second part after that rather retarded first part.  For some reason I kept all the scenes that I did not use.  And I figure hey, why not show you how stupid they really were.  It will be just like the deleted scenes from movies that you ooh and ahh about because they weren't in there or the ones that you cheer that they weren't because they suck poop.  Oh, how I love deleted scenes.  So in tribute to them here are my own deleted scenes...

Scene 1:

When I was half way through the story I began to toy with the idea of having Ginny fall out of a tree again and realize her feelings for Draco.  Then Harry would come up and take her to the Hospital Wing and Draco would come and be all Dracoy.  But I scrapped it because it ran into a wall and it just sounded generally stupid.  And how many bloody times does that girl have to be around Madame Pomfrey anyways?  So it was cut, but I'll let you make fun of it...

            It really is rather amazing that I didn't hit anything on the way down.  Nope.  I only hit the lovely ground.  Butt first.

            "Ow," I groaned, flopping back and staring up at the tree I had quickly vacated. 

            "Ginny!" someone called and I heard feet running towards me.  I tired to look up but found I couldn't.  "Ginny!  Are you alright??"  The voice called again.

            "Just peachy," I muttered , giving a slight thumbs up.  "What kind of revelation was that?" I muttered at the tree before the person stopped running and dropped down beside me.

            It was Harry.

            "Ginny, are you alright?" he asked in concern. 

            "No," I said, looking up at him.  "My ass hurts."

            "What were you doing in that tree?" he demanded, reaching out and helping me to sit up.  Everything hurt.

            I was about to tell him about the revelations and trees, and the golden eyes but thought better of it.  Only Malfoy would understand.  "I just felt like being a monkey," I replied with a bit of a grin.

            "Well Miss Monkey," he said mockingly.  "Let's get you to the hospital wing."


Scene 2:

I would have rather liked to keep parts of this conversation in the actual story but not the rest because the end is utter crap.  If I were to have used the beginning of it though I would have had to make it rain after they escaped from Joe and I thought that would be a little over kill.  Not to mention uber corny.  So sadly I had to cut Ginny's discussion about her underwear, but it's not dead for ever now...

            It was raining outside.  It was the rain I had been hoping for, but now it was at the most inconvenient time.  For one I was wearing white.  For another that stupid tree thing had not left me my bra.  And it was one of my favorites: light blue with monkeys on it.  My mother had always told me that a woman's underwear tells a lot about them.  If it is in a terrible state it reflects the care and other such things the woman herself takes.  Yet she never said anything about what a woman is like if she wears monkeys on her knickers. 

            But anyway, as I was saying before I began to ramble about undergarments, it was raining.  I was in white.  I did the only thing anyone in my position would have done: I crossed my arms.  This seemed to attract the attention of both of the boys in front of me, however, something I had not wanted to do.  And who would? 

            It's really rather amazing that neither of them hadn't noticed before.  I sure did, but then the bloody things are attached to me, aren't they?

            Colin quickly averted his eyes to the ground, seeming to find the drenched ground the most fascinating thing on the planet.  But Draco didn't.  He began to stare at me.  It wasn't just my chest though, it seemed to be all of me.  As if he had never seen me before, which is ridiculous since I see him like every day.  Yet don't get me wrong, it wasn't one of those perverted stares.  You know the kind when the guy is undressing you with his eyes.  It was, well, it was just a stare. 

            After a moment, it was a rather brief one really, he took off his cloak and wrapped it around me.  Just like that.  Yet his hands lingered on my shoulders a bit longer than they should of.  I was probably just imagining things, but it happened.  Then he smirked.  But he didn't say anything.

            "Thank you," I whispered.  I'm still not sure why I had to sound so quiet, so weak.  It's not like I was some maiden without a backbone.  I'm a Weasley.


Scene 3:

This was a play on the quote I had in the third chapter.  I wanted to bring in doubts about the revelations but I eventually scrapped it because I was too lazy to incorporate it. But just so you know what I had mused about at one time.  Not that it is very credible musings because I thought about it while sitting for my fifteenth hour of my Chemistry Diploma prep course (and I will have you know that I did pass that test).  So it was of course a little off...

Trees are not to be trusted...

            "Does that mean we can't trust our revelations?  That I really should still be falling for Harry?  That you should still be along side your father?" 

            "I refuse to believe that.  I refuse to believe that the past few years have been a lie.  That I have been living a lie.  What ever we were supposed to do, we are here now.  And we're together and that's all that really matters to me."


Scene 4:

I kind of wish I put this somewhere.  It's kind of funny.  But I thought of it too late in the game and couldn't put it anywhere where it would work properly.  ~sniff~  So perhaps you should keep an eye out for it might make an appearance in another fic of mine where it actually works...

            "What are you feeling?" Draco whispered.  "Honestly."

            "I feel hungry," I replied before I could even think about it.


Scene 5: 

This scene I am happy I did not put in the story at all.  It's just plain stupid and I don't even know why I am putting it here.  It's not entertaining in the slightest.  Well I suppose it can prove my stupidity and corniness to you. Not like you don't already know about that though...

            "I love you," I whispered, my voice slightly gruffer than usual.  Well, it seems my tongue is back with a vengeance then.  But I think I will thank it this time.  I don't think I could have gotten that out, let alone realize it, in time.

            She stared up at me for a moment, then, just as I was beginning to get this horrible feeling that I had said something wrong, she smiled.  "I love you too," she replied, then her smile faded slightly.  "But it's not for real."

            "What do you mean?" I demanded, suddenly feeling that perhaps this wasn't really her.  That it wasn't really Ginny.  That I had made a mistake.

            "Oh," she said, realization suddenly dawning on her face.  "No, Draco, I didn't mean it like that."  I frowned at her, feeling my body go ridged.  "I do love you, I really do.  It's just that, it's not going to go anywhere."  She smiled sadly then.  "We aren't going to go and get married or anything like that when this is all over.  We'll just ruin things."  A cynical look seemed to take her over.  "School relationships never make it.  Well, not many of them at least."

            Well, I suppose she does have some truth in those words, cold that they are.  But why would she bring that up now?  Why not bring it up during one of our pointless ramblings?  I suppose it would have been a little bizarre to talk about something like that.  To think that whatever we were feeling would eventually end.  But I don't want to think about it now either.

            "Don't think about the future, Weasley," I sighed, smirking slightly.  "We're probably going to die tonight anyways."

            "So your saying just live for the moment, snog you stupid and go and kill myself a few dozen Death Eaters and place one of each of their molars on a necklace and wear it for the rest of my life?"  She grinned then.  It was a weak grin.

            "Sounds like a good enough plan to me," I shrugged, my fingers getting caught in her once again red hair. 

            She let out a small laugh.  "I'm sorry about that," she said slowly, looking down.  "That's the old cynic in me talking."  Then she looked up at me, a smirk playing on her face as well.  "But I am beginning to like that snogging part more and more."


And now, just because it amuses me, and hopefully Lallie as well, our little theory on trees:


Lallie: They're all about world domination.

Tiny Q: They're everywhere.

This was Lallie and I making our way to classes with one of her friends, or rather, they were going to classes and I was going home, and we were musing about stories (something we often do).  When we are not musing about stories we often try to confuse people with our seemingly directionless babble.  Our victim?  Her friend.  And he couldn't run away.  So he got to hear about trees that day.  Hey, it's better than my tales of Mr. Scarffy and how he smells different everyday.  Well he does!


Next up is a version of my 'Draco and Ginny's Rant'.  If you haven't ever read them there's no need to worry.  The jist of it is that Draco and Ginny have to act out every single one of the fics that they are in.  So this is their chance to talk about what they have been forced to do, whether they liked it or not...

Draco and Ginny's Rant: The Truth About Trees

Ginny: You know, I'm glad that is all over with now.  A whole year acting like some neurotic loner.

Draco: You think it was only hard on you?  I had no other friends besides you.  I mean seriously now, I am a smooth enough person that I am always surrounded by people.

Ginny: Sure you are Draco.  Just keep telling yourself that.  Perhaps one day your imaginary friends will become real too.

Draco: Shut it, Weasley.  At least I wasn't captured by a tree.  What kind of idiot lets them self get captured by a tree?

Ginny: Hey, at least that stupid "tree" worshiped me, unlike some people I know.

Draco: I was forced to worship you at the end, seeing as you were my only friend.  I call it lack of choice.

Ginny: which is why you stabbed me, right?

Draco: But of course.

Ginny: I seriously think I should have been more pissed at you for that.  You stabbed me for Merlin's sake!

Draco: Hey, no point in yelling at me, I didn't write the stupid story.

Ginny: I know that, but it doesn't change the fact that you still stabbed me.

Draco: Speaking of changing, let's change the subject.

Ginny: ~grumble~ To what?

Draco: Quidditch.

Ginny: But there wasn't any quidditch in the story.

Draco: It wasn't even mentioned once.  It was so sad.  I would have done a fantastic job with it.

Ginny: Right.  But it's not like you would have beaten Harry anyways, so I suppose it was a good thing that I didn't have to put up with your moping.

Draco: I would so have won.  And I do not mope.

Ginny: Sure you don't.  You just like to sit about and do nothing with a moody face for the sport of it, right?

Draco: Damn straight.  And it's not like you didn't mope as well.

Ginny: What do you expect?  Treated like shit, shunned, and only you for company?  No wonder I was in the hospital wing so many times.

Draco: I don't get it.

Ginny: Neither do I, but I figured it would be a good place to add my distaste for being in that damn wing so many times.  I mean, how many times do I really need to be in there?

Draco: True.  But I got to be in there too you know.  You can't steal all of the hospital fun.

Ginny: ~snorts~  What I still don't get the whole revelation thing though.  I do get the part with the trees, but you had so many revelations without them.

Draco: Brought about by dreams and soap.

Ginny: What ever happened to that dream we apparently shared together.  That seemed to build up to something but it just disappeared.

Draco: The stupid bint probably got bored with the idea.  Or she just forgot.

Ginny: Well she did forget how she was going to end the bloody thing after all.

Draco: Good point.  How can you forget how you are going to end something?

Ginny: No clue.  But I am glad we were not forced to do the ending she had written out.  How could I not fall in love with anyone else after you for ten years?

Draco: Well, I am Draco Malfoy, Slytherin Bad Boy extraordinaire.  Not to mention the fact that I am dead sexy.

Ginny: And you run away from ducks.

Draco: And I run away from- Wait.  I didn't run away.  The bloody thing attacked me!

Ginny: You know, that happened to one of her gay friends and his boyfriend.  She thought it was funny and needed to be shared with the world.

Draco: I really didn't need to know that.

Ginny: ~cheerfully~ I know!

Draco: I am beginning to get the feeling that if we continue this conversation I am going to find out even more things about the origins of our forced actions that I really don't ever want to know.  So I move that we end this stupid rant and never ever think about this stupid story again.

Ginny: You know, that doesn't sound like too bad of an idea.

Draco: Well of course it doesn't.  I thought of it after all. 

Ginny: Malfoy...

The End.


And finally, something a little stupider than all the rest.  It was Lallie's idea and had me giggling so much that I just had to do it.  So in the style of Disney and Pixar, on with the Bloopers...

Blooper #1

            "I find it quite entertaining," Malfoy sneered.  "When the freaks of the school begin to pair off.  Honestly Potter, I always thought you would end up with the tall oaf beside you rather than the Mudblood."

            "If anyone is gay, Malfoy, it's Colin," Harry burst out laughing.

            "Excuse me?" Colin burst out.  "Why does everyone think I am gay?  I am not gay!  So I speak with my hands, that means nothing!  Nothing I tell you!"  As he continued his voice kept getting higher and higher pitched.  "And so what if I can imitate the stereotypical "gay talk"?  I'm a good actor, alright?  And I certainly do not walk like a woman!" 


            "Don't cut me off!  I'm not done yet!"

            "Double cut!"


            "Triple Cut!"

Blooper #2

            "I don't know what you're talking about," I responded stiffly.  What did he care anyway?  To him I'm just another Weasley.

            "Oh come off it," he snapped.  "You know exactly what I'm talking about."

            I looked at him coldly.  He looked at me impassively.  Stupid dolt.  I opened my mouth to tell him off.  But instead of insults the entire story started to issue forth from my mouth.  I don't know why, but it did.  All of it.  From the secrets to my feelings.  Malfoy remained silent through the entire thing, his eyes not leaving my face.

            "And so I left," I concluded, not looking at him.  For some reason I chanced a glance at his face.  I stopped.  "Stop making faces at me, Malfoy."

            "Draco looks like monkey," he chirped in a Russian accent, squishing his face so he looked more like a pug than anything else. Let alone a monkey.

            "Oh this is ridiculous!  Cut!  Stop it Malfoy!  Gah!"

~Ginny and Draco burst out laughing~

Blooper #3

            What a creepy thought.  Being dragged into the forest by something.  Even while traveling in a group.

            Wait a minute.  What was that?  Nothing Ginny.  You're seeing things.  Stop thinking about it.  You're just going to creep yourself out.  And there's still the whole East Side to do.  But the East Side runs closest to the forest . . .

            Don't think about it!  Stop it! 

            Shovel, lift, toss.  Shovel, lift, toss-

            "Ahh!  Cold!"  I turned around to face Draco, who was frantically brushing snow off his face.  I burst out laughing.

            ~sigh~  "Cut."


Blooper #4

            "You could always ask Professor Snape to be your potions partner," he offered as we reached the door.  We both pushed a door open at the same time and walked though. 

            I turned and looked at him, slowing as the doors swung shut.  "Oh that will bode over well," I sneered darkly. 

            Then not knowing exactly what came over me, I stopped and clutched the notebook to my chest.  My eyes widened to the biggest puppy-dog eyes I could manage and I found myself hoping form foot to foot like some little school girl.  "Oh Professor Snape!" I squealed.  "Would you please be my potions partner?  Oh please oh please oh please?!"

            He stopped and simply stared – Wait a minute...

~Professor Snape walks by, glaring~

            "And then they wonder why I am the way I am," he muttered darkly, glaring at me.  "If I'd have known you wanted to work with me so much Weasley, I would have kicked Malfoy out a long time ago."


~Draco bursts out laughing along with Ginny.  Snape simply smirks~

Blooper #5

            My eyes snapped open and I stared straight up at what should have been the ceiling.  Instead, however, there was a pair of golden eyes set in a green fleshed face staring down on me in a seemingly impassive way.  Can Tree Daemons even be impassive? 

            After a moment in which we both sat there and stared at each other, I set my mouth into a frown and scrambled away.

            "Don't touch me," I hissed, glaring at him and pulling my extended hair out of his grasp.  He had been holding onto it in what seemed to be mild amusement.  Well it was fully exposed amusement I suppose.  I moved as far away as I could and the stupid thing could still reach my hair.

            "Girl, you need to use more conditioner," the creature named Joe said.  "It's positively ghastly.  Even with all these twigs in my hair I still manage to do a five minute treatment at least once a week."  He flipped his hair, flashing me a cheesy grin.

            "Joe!  You're supposed to act mean, not like yourself!  Cut!"

            "Oh honey, you're no fun."  ~pouts~

Blooper #6

~Ron stuffing his face with food~

            "It's your line..." Hermione hissed.

            "Marfle," Ron muttered.

            "I can't work like this!" Hermione shrieked, grinning all the while.  "I just can't!  It's ridiculous!"  ~bursts out laughing~

            "Cut."  ~smacks head~

Blooper #7


            We both stopped, looking around for the source of the voice.  Who I saw made my heart stand still.

            "Father?" Draco asked simply, nodding at the older figure standing in an alley way but twenty feet away.  Draco's grip on me increased until it was almost painful, but I wasn't about to stop him.  It was rather comforting even if I knew I was going to get bruises. 

            Not knowing what else to do, I simply stared at the older Malfoy, getting the feeling that something was wrong.  Terribly wrong. 

            "What up dog?" Lucius Malfoy drawled, swinging his pimp-stick idly.  "Just wondern' how my homeboy's doin'."

            "Enough with the pimp-stick already!  Cut!"


            I sat in the library beside Sara, idly twirling my quill, debating what to doodle.  I put the nib down and began to draw it across the page.  For some reason the boy looking back at me looked like Draco.  The Draco I hadn't heard from in over a month.  But something began to distract me from my drawing...

            "I can't get no, satisfaction," Sara began to sing.  I turned and glared at her only to receive a smile in response.  "I can't get no, girlie action."

            I sighed.  "'Cause I try, and I try, and I try and I try," I added.

            "I can't get no," Sara continued, bopping her head slightly.

            "Do do do," I 'do'ed.

            "No no no!" we sung together, both smiling now.  "Ch ch ch ch ch.  Hey hey hey!  That's what I say!"


Blooper #9 – Because someone complained about the lack of hugage...

            "So, the same time tomorrow then Weasley?" he asked as we finally stood to leave.  I grinned at him, making my way towards the door, tucking my book into my side bag and hoisting my umbrella.  I didn't stop until I was through the door he opened for me and under the over hang, opening my umbrella.

            "Only if you stop using my last name, Malfoy," I replied, grinning then turned to walk away.

            "Wait!" he called after me, and I turned to look at him in question.  "You didn't give me a hug!"

            "What?" I asked in confusion.  "It's not in the script..."

            "Hug," he said, holding open his arms.


            "Hug."  He took a step towards me.  "Hug.  Hug.  Hug."     He looked like Frankenstein.

            "No!" I squealed, backing up quickly as he trudged towards me.

            "Hug.  Hug.  Hug."

            "Get away from me!"

            "Cut!  Stop the rain!  Just cut!"

            "Hug.  Hug.  Hug."


Happy Holidays Everyone!