I Am NOT Going Through Puberty Again!

A Naruto crackwut



Rating: T...ish

Genre: Humor/Parody

Characters/Pairings: Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, Hinata; [NaruHina, SasuSaku]

Summary: Our heroes did not come from a future where everything has gone horribly wrong. They did not travel back in time to save the world from a bleak or miserable fate. As a matter of fact, all they want to do is find a way back home as soon as possible. [cracky, epilogue-compliant time travel fic]

Cue Music, Roll Credits

Kakashi and Anko got married two years after the conclusion of the time travel fiasco. They filed for divorce six months later... and then they got back together again a year after that. Things were really awkward for a while there, what with Obito and the whole shared field of view.

Iruka and Shizune got married three and a half years post-event, a week before Kakashi and Anko's second marriage. Shizune continued working as a medic, and Iruka kept right on teaching. They have three children—two of them are named after marine mammals.

Itachi was sworn in as Lord Fifth Hokage after the end of the Kite Wars. First Lady Karenbana redesigned the uniform to show off his chest, to the almost unanimous delight of Konoha's androsexual population. Itachi was only mildly perturbed by all the attention.

Ino wrote a best-selling series of sapphic graphic novels illustrated by her boyfriend, Sai. Critics loved it, despite the ecchi elements and unremarkable plot. Sakura, for her part wasn't sure whether to be happy or unnerved that the main love interest so STRONGLY resembled her.

Hiashi Hyuuga did nothing of note, aside from avoiding anything that might upset his daughter.

Shino became head instructor for ANBU's training division... for all of three days. Then he was transferred to the academy after complaints that his methods were instilling severe entomophobia among the recruits. He maintains a strong, long-distance relationship with Fuu.

Kiba became a world-renowned dog breeder. Tamaki, his girlfriend, wrote a play about his life. It was heavily fictionalized and only barely resembled reality. Akamaru retired to a life as a stud mating with all of the Inuzuka's fittest bitches.

Neji finally caught a break when he married Tenten, who opened a bookstore after her weapon shop failed to attract business. They have no kids, but not for lack of trying—or so Tenten will say with a wink and a grin, if pressed on the matter.

Orochimaru discovered a cure for cancer. Unfortunately, it only worked on sharks and furthermore caused them to mutate into flying, amphibious hellbeasts as a side effect. He was subsequently barred from practicing medicine.

Kabuto became de facto leader of Otogakure and transformed it into an international powerhouse. His administration was dogged by scandals, however, and ultimately he was forced to resign amidst allegations of jaywalking, illegal experimentation, and possessing weird fetish porn.

Kisame took Orochimaru's flying cancer sharks (media's name for them, not his) and trained them to become a first rate circus act. Also a fearless death army, but mostly the circus thing.

Karui married Chouji Akimichi. She was quoted after the reception as saying, "Chubbies forever!" Her husband, in response, cheered: "Pettanko forever!" They then started making out and ripping each other's clothes off.

Mei and Haku had six children, with three kekkei genkai each. Their academy peers all called hax, while historians laughed themselves into hysterics at the irony.

Everyone agrees that Haku still looks better in dresses than his wife does.

Nagato denounced prior claims of godhood, declaring himself a Kirishitan convert. Nobody knew what that was. But in the absence of Lord Pain, the ninja of Ame formed a sex cult around Konan. She was just barely more flattered than creeped out.

After Kabuto abdicated his post, Tayuya assassinated the next-in-line Kimmimaro and took over Oto in a bloody coup. She reigned long as a military dictator with "private secretary" Kin at her side, partly because she sensibly avoided conflict with the other hidden villages—Konoha, in particular.

Hiruzen enjoyed a peaceful retirement after appointing Itachi Uchiha as his successor. He lived long enough to see the birth of his first great grandchild. Danzo resumed their rivalry through games of shougi and go.

Asuma died a natural death of lung cancer at the age of sixty-three. Kurenai survived him by another eleven years, before succumbing to kidney failure and cirrhosis of the liver from a life of hard drinking.

Guy lived to be a hundred. He kept on shouting about the spirit of youth the entire time.

Lee and Karin got married six years after their first meeting, and they named their first son Metal. He, in turn, eventually named his own son Blues.

Zabuza commissioned the carpenters of Wave to renovate much of Kirigakure's infrastructure. Tazuna and Inari charged through the nose for every last board and nail.

Utakata married his student, Hotaru, the day after she completed her training. He returned to Kiri, too, under the stipulation that the village provide them with a five star honeymoon suite.

Killer Bee and Yugito opened a school to teach jinchuuriki how to cooperate with their bijuu. And in between classes, they did a lot of cooperating with each other, too. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

Han developed a working steam engine to power Iwa's electrical generators. He then blew all his patent royalties at the racetrack.

Roshi moved to a distant tropical island in order to perfect his martial arts after a fateful encounter with Might Guy. The last anyone heard of him, he had taken to calling himself the Turtle Hermit.

Gaara became a porn star, and his performances earned him a massive following throughout the Ninja Confederacy. Kankuro took care of production and various technical details, while fangirls Matsuri and Yukata became frequent co-stars of Gaara's.

Temari, mildly curious about her brothers' career path, posed in a series of tasteful nudes for a high brow gravure publication. She regretted it very much twenty years down the line when she caught her son and his friends with a copy of that very issue. It was an immensely awkward confrontation for all involved.

Shikamaru enjoyed an average, mediocre life... at least until he married Temari.

Akatsuchi became Tsuchikage. His cousin, Kurotsuchi, became Kankuro's co-producer. She eventually starred alongside Kankuro in a porn of decidedly more... private nature. It complicated a lot of things for them when said video got leaked onto a fledgling internet.

Mabui became Fifth Raikage the day she figured out how to weaponize her light speed transportation jutsu. Nobody fucked with her after that, except for Darui. But that was more a bedroom kind of fucking, and it was very much mutual, besides.

Jiraiya continued writing Icha Icha until the day he died... except for a brief period during which he and Tsunade enjoyed a late-life fling.

Nobody remembered Baki.

Sasuke Uchiha followed in his brother's footsteps and joined ANBU, operating for a while as a squad captain. He racked up a staggering number of mission completions, and played a pivotal role in the Kite Wars. When that was over, he retired from ANBU and rebuilt Konoha's military police.

Sakura Haruno joined Konoha's medical corps, studying under some of the world's best and brightest minds. With the notes left for her by her future self, she revolutionized the field of medicine and earned a place in the history books among the greatest doctors to ever live.

Hinata Hyuuga, after some well-deserved lessons in confidence and self esteem, became head of her clan and abolished many of its most backwards and oppressive traditions. She also revolutionized the approach toward training children, emphasizing positive reinforcement and flexible routines.

Naruto Uzumaki was a key player in multiple conflicts, struggling through many obstacles and pushing himself to live up to the reputation of his future self. It was hard going, and would have broken most people—but if anyone could do it, he could.

It wasn't always easy, and they faced myriad hardships along the way, but Naruto, Sakura, Sasuke, and Hinata grew with every challenge. They ultimately lived up to, and even surpassed their future selves. Because that was just how they rolled.

Obito tried to take over the world in a series of conflicts known as the Kite Wars.

He was ultimately defeated with a cooking pot and a wooden spoon.

A/N: What can I say, except for Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and thanks for all your support? Without you guys reading and reviewing, this fic never would have gotten as big and long as it did. (Giggity.)

So thank you all for enjoying my weirdness, insanity, and straight up perversion. Or whatever it was that made y'all like this fic.

Now, if you'll excuse me, Imma go find some place to lie down and veg out for a month or two.

Updated: 12-20-15

TTFN and R&R!

– — ❤