SPIN THAT WHEEL
Or, "What If TMNT Were More Like The Thick Of It and VEEP?"
WRITTEN BY ZARIUS
DISCLAIMER: TMNT is trademarked by Nickelodeon, The Thick of It is trademarked by the BBC. This parody fanfic is for non-profit purposes only
Note: Ok, for the uninitiated, The Thick of It is a political satire comedy series which starred Peter Capaldi (of Doctor Who fame) as Malcom Tucker. It inspired a movie called In The Loop and led also to the cult HBO political comedy VEEP. This is an attempt at taking the first season of the original TMNT animated series and developing it as if it were happening within the tightrope UK political system
Department of Associated Spin For Onorthodox Original Trendsetters (DASFOOT)
"Here's what you want to hear Sensei, I'll spin it to your satisfaction, so in the very instance you hire me for being able to give you convincing rope to hang me on in one of your spiteful afternoons tinkering with what to send your mates via e-mail on the off chance you choose to toss me to the curb, in this very instance you hire me for this, you also get to play a part in our family drama once again, so you replace the "son, I told you so" stare on your complexion with "son, I am there for you and my words carry great weight". Ready? Here it goes: I don't understand this" said Raphael as he slouched backwards in the chair opposite his mentor Hamato Yoshi in the main offices of DASFOOT, "I can't write this, I sure as shell can't say it.I am a rubber bullet. I will bounce off everyone and they will not feel a thing. I'll be resigning before resignations become the hot topic of this department seven years well off from now"
"I would counter that by saying , on a private record and even a public one, that those were unwise words" said Yoshi as he sipped his mug of soothing herbal tea, "And I would remind you and any who listened to my proposed answer that one must always remember the path you were placed on"
"The path I was placed on was a POND Sensei, sitting all day chewing on fucking leafs expecting Kermit the Punk Frog to start belting out rainbow connections like a fanny"
"Everything after your genesis is important" continued Yoshi
"Did you ever see me in that University class? I was bawling my fucking eyes out thinking a bunch of alien greys were mincing with me. 'Alien Abduction' as the Grant Morrisons of this world go on about, take a few steps down a hill and you have enlightenment, bull and cock you do, high as a kite they were. You know those 80s yankie drug ads where the boy goes "you're a turkey?", that's me, right gobbledygook I was typing up in there, my mind was going through a right royal bollocking all because of the expectations you were placing on me. Fucking embarrassing that. I have no education in this field. Zero"
"In time, you will run your course. All you need is a solid foundation to form a footstep" continued Yoshi, happy to keep playing the game of spin and counter-spin.
"They passed me out of pity, probably afraid I'd cave in and top myself. Could have done that you know" Raphael continued, staring out at the huddled pool of lively bodies at work in the department cubicles outside of the main office, oblivious to his private pain
"..Back there in the mincing hospital, there was a window open where the telly room was. I almost popped out, would have been a breeze to have a breeze knocking me over, better than staying here listening to your zen fucking nick lowe shite"
"You long for home, it is written in your eyes. Home is where the first steps were taken, perhaps it is where you will flow forward from also" continued Yoshi, taking a soothing sip from his mug of hot tea.
"The same damp den where either science rules, or surf's up, or where "fearless leader" comes up with another excuse to play renascense man and cosplays as a fucking Musketeer? I signed up with your department to play the right kind of pool, they want to play in the kiddie shallow end so badly they'd make Rolf Harris red with impatience"
The pair were swiftly interrupted by a bespectacled woman with long hair tied back in a bun wearing a bright blue turtleneck sweater.
"You might want to switch over to 24 guys. There's been another break-in, and a reporter was attacked"
"24? They haven't called BBC News that in years, you still living that golden year of 2003 where that wanker musician gave you that sweater, which probably passed for a blanket for his fucking knitted cats?"
The woman tugged at her sweater ever so slightly, a cross expression on her face. She turned and stormed down the corridor of the main DASFOOT hub muttering small insults pertaining to Raph under her rather audible breath.
Raphael followed her out, as he did, he bumped into an unnerving indivdual in a pink collar shirt, brown braces attached to his unflattering patchy brown trousers. He stumbled with his words and fiddled with his touchpad, bringing up a website.
"What are you looking up Vernon ?" asked Yoshi as Vernon took the seat Raphael had been sitting in.
"For the record, I am never going to get used to that giant thing lounging around the office." he said
"If it sooths your shaken soul, I am requested he spend time with his family" said Yoshi, "Now tell me, what are you looking for?"
"Trying to find if Baxter's program started trending. We had to divert some funding over from the housing project to fund a fraction of it, I just hope it's made the 'rounds"
"If it hasn't, we can always try again in another few months, this is a project that does not lose traction" said Yoshi
"What do you bloody care? You don't see a problem with rodents. If you did, the pet you keep in your cage over there would be the first thing fed to Baxter's boys"
"Not every problem can be handled with as much care as I give my pet problems" said Yoshi, getting up from his desk and taking a few crumbs of leftover chocolate biscuit over to a rodent encased in a hamster cage. It disembarked from it's treadmill and stayed anchored to the spot as the crumbs of biscuit were dropped into the cage via the small gaps in the grid surrounding the cage.
"Shit, not even in the recommended stories files. Chris Fish was right, nothing we send out on this issue will matter to anyone. Ever. I bet even Baxter's sodding manifesto is barely enough to cover two pages. Christ, we're going to have to cut the funds or the project, and I know that fucker Burne will be wanting the latter"
"Results are never immediate, that is a concern of the national press with our affiliated parties" said Yoshi
"You're well keen to spread some tender loving mercy to a fucking flat-liner of a project" remarked Vernon as he stared upwards at the spinning fan above.
Raphael observed the television in the center of the room playing out a live news report relating to a recent attack on an American news reporter investigating robberies from three scientific departments. She had asked what many of the stolen devices
"Listen to this guy, it's magic. A fucking classic this" said the bombastic Burne Thompson to Raphael as they watched the news report cover the journalist's archive of interviews with top scientists at the institutes that were burgled
"They acquired two positronic accelerators, four reverse polarity indicators, and one sideway generator"
"What does all this equipment do?"
"I have absolutely no idea"
Burne laughed coldly, "That's exactly why I'm looking to cut these departments. Big words fed to the wrong guys, a principle example of poor media communication relations. Who needs to yank them off the stage when they're hanging themselves free of charge?"
"Suddenly I don't feel like the lone voice in the fucking wilderness" said Raphael, nudging Thompson, "Might as well call Baxter and give him the good news we're freezing the project. He'll assume like a paranoid putz that it's because of the robberies"
"We'll formerly announce the closures this coming Thursday, how does that sound?" said Thompson
"Try and make it a 6 o'clock deadline, no way is BBC Breakfast sparing time to the announcement of that Bond movie"
"Are you going to pay attention to the rest of the news cast?" said the bespectacled woman, folding her arms, "This is the second time they've ran the story on the channel, and you have'nt gotten to the good stuff yet"
"Like her saying she was saved from a mob by a Ninja" said Irma, "And it fits your handsome mug"
"I was held up in the Hilton hassled about on the telephone by a media buzzard trying to egg me to go on Question Time, eyewitnesses and everything, how the hell could I have been there? Oh god, that has to mean one of our band of brothers played knight in shitting armor"
"She claims she heard Yoshi's name dropped during the attack, she wants to arrange a meeting with you, your sensei, and the family. All in one room. She says she wants to help, she's afraid her eyewitness account has implicated your family in the thefts..."
"And you happened to fucking schedule it" Raphael said
"I wasn't going to, but you did make fun of my sweater" she said
"Irma...you're way more knitted than your fucking sweater, you're the kind who'd fucking bake it it in a cake if a former pop star giant with no willy came to you with an appointment. Anything to spite a bloke with a chip on their chin" Raphael cussed.
Irma waved to him as she turned her back and headed for the water fountain to the left of the swing doors
Burne put a hand on Raphael's shoulder, "Cheer up lad, this is your first real attempt at spin at last, remember how that song goes...I keep going to the river to pray..."
"See me Burne? Yeah, my vote sent that one OFF the X-Factor. Don't be like me"