EPISODE V

APRIL 2015


"So how do you think it's going in there?" asked Vernon to April as she worked on polishing her fingernails, "You reckon he'll bring up the Daily Mail story by with Miliband over the giant brain attack thing? I mean, It's not exactly the most harmonious article out there though is it? It…it GOES places. Tries to project this mental image of a dim and dapper chap fornicating in the bedroom, twisting his little knife into a woman. Kids can read it you know. They might want to reference it in essays in schools. It's the contemporary alternative to doodling dicks on the beards of Matthew from Sooty"

"Oh my god, that DID happen to you didn't it?" April said, realizing why Vernon seemed so familiar to her.

"Pardon?"

"Vernon, we went to school together, Kinder-garden"

"We don't call it kinder-garden here, it's Primary"

"Well, ok, that too. But I was on a stateside exchange programme for a couple of weeks, you were the lad that kept putting crayons on the radiator and bringing in all those outdated Look-In annuals to class thinking people were the slightest bit interested. I remember when you brought that Superman annual"

"Please tell me you weren't the one to tepex that enormous dong on his underpants"

"You seemed well up for it" she said.

"Well you ought to know, given your preference for giant Turtle shlong" Vernon replied, "You HAVE seen that scientifically accurate video haven't you? Went viral after your relationship got leaked out over the media"

"You reckon that's why Raph sent me over here?" April asked#

Raphael casually walked back out of Hamato Yoshi's office, clutching in his hand a newspaper. Yoshi quietly followed him out

"Right, you two, pay attention, I'm going to read this out to you. You on the other hand sensei? You've got a fucking floodgate about to open the minute you step through that door. Scurry away now. You've found the cheese, now cut it open in front of the wafting farts"

"You are excelling at this" said Yoshi, "I am proud of your progress. A bold step leads to a bold front"

"Yeah, you're bold alright, like that detergent that covers you in fucking hives. You put this entire party at risk, you put our immediate family at risk trying to spend the party funding on rehabilitating Stockman, he goes off on one of his episodes and thinks he can just drive a massive tunnel beneath the streets looking for rats. He comes storming into the sewer network like the knob from Kick-Ass. No, no, when I said to you, I wasn't good at this, I meant it, I'm not good enough to protect YOU, you of all people. So now I have to be more shrewd, and I can't do that when my great failure is sitting here, trying to get the humanitarian thing done. To think, in any other situation, that'd make you a hero to me. Well now, look this one up. Yo, banana raincoat, quote me"

"This is why you brought me in?"

"Quote me. Right now"

April took out her microphone and recording equipment and casually walked up to the intimidating Turtle.

I'm one of four. Collect them all. We're all toys. We've all been played with, if you're watching this, you probably have felt played too. They say 'never meet your heroes', well, they'd be right.

The heroes you meet? See, in here, in their heads, they think they are heroes, they think they're the law, they think their word is God, they think its High Noon all of the time, and that's not what you need in your life, you don't need to contend with a hero, you need to contend with the people around you, the people closest to you. Your community at large.

This is Britain, we recently had to go through a referendum, our community was nearly splintered, but we persevered. Some people think we're all ok with that. Nice happy family, but we have a little something you cannot easily insult, and that's our intelligence. Intelligence is everywhere. Why? Because it fucking LEAKS, and when it leaks, that's when everyone thinks "Oh, we're all heroes, we'll all rise up from the under-carriage, we'll all be somebody. Show the fat cats what Joe Public can do. We give them a little helping hand, what do they repay us with? Riots. Anarchy. You can't feed them anything but droplets.

This, this MOUSE here? This is Hamato Yoshi, and he's being forced to resign because he dared to feed someone something that I told him he couldn't personally find. He reached out and told someone to eat the cheese. He doesn't have any, and he takes time and money out of our pockets to try and scurry along trying to make it all flow one way, the right way. That's not what we're about. You know what way we look? The opposite way, we look to the actual opposition, and think 'that's exactly the kind of situation they'd bugger up', they're the rats, they scurry everywhere without taking the time to process it all. This department? We're Turtles. In my case a literal one. We take it SLOW"

"You don't want me to repeat any of this in the press do you?" April asked

"Colour it up a bit" suggested Raphael

"I can only find two or three bullet points in that whole rambling speech, is that why you stuck that bit on at the end?" April continued

"The basics, aye" said Raphael, opening the door for Yoshi as he couldn't open it himself due to carrying a box full of his personal effects.

"Come on, scurry off, don't stand there just fucking waiting"

"That took…a lot of guts boss" said Vernon, "I mean…your own…"

"It was the only way I could spin it" said Raphael, "We were too quick, and it didn't vanish without a trace. You can't have Ninja politics in this field of expertise.

"Just a second, I have to take a call" April said, taking out her phone

"Mike, hi. Yeah I'm fine, I may be home a little early. What movie do you want to watch? It Came From Dimension X? You sure it's a bit appropriate after the fight you had back home? What? Oh cut out the dire sex jokes, or I'll come on you something fierce…no, no that wasn't an innuendo. Christ Mike is this all that's on your mind?"

"So life goes on for everyone" said Vernon, "You sure you're alright?"

Raphael opened up the newspaper and read aloud from it

If the Mail's story is to be believed, Miliband cared deeply for all the women he's ever been involved with. This simply will not do. We cannot allow ourselves to vote in a prime minister who possesses the capacity for love. What if we find ourselves on the brink of all-out nuclear catastrophe and, when the time comes to nuke the Russians into outer space, our leader is off carving his wife's initials into a tree or cooing over a YouTube video of some baby ducks?

He has killed his own political future. He strangled it to death with his willy. The man is a menace"

"Kids will read that" said Vernon.

"That last bit is what I'd love to see greet their faces on page three. Perfect way to bring their packed lunch right back up"

"So how do you reckon your first few months as spin doctor have gone down?" asked Vernon

"Isn't it obvious? Like something you can dine on. Like soup"

THE END...FOR NOW