Notes: Hi all! What we have here is a bit of the complete insanity that occurs when Fitz and Chibi Assassin put their minds together. (That's not saying much about us, is it?) This is our first complete collaborative fic. (Chibi: Wai! It's…not for the faint of heart.) (Fitz: Or stomach.) Prepare to groan aloud. (Chibi: Aw, c'mon! It's not that bad! WE thought it was funny!) (Fitz: Hilarious. In a juvenile yet mature sort of way.) There are some random comments throughout the fic that even we don't understand. If you come across something that just plain makes no sense….ignore it, it'll go away.
Warnings: Shonen ai, crude humor, mature themes, bashing of any and every character possible (Even the ones we love^-^), salty language (That means bad words), and lotsa puking. This is a work of pure (in our minds) humor. Nothing in this fic is to be taken seriously. If you try, you'll only cause yourself great pain. And seriously, if you're easily offended… just be cautious. You may not like this. You don't have to read it if you're already too scared. Go ahead and press the back button on your browser. We'll never know it.
Chibi: Wow, look at these notes! We're such hams^-^
Fitz: Maybe you're ham. I'm just chicken.
Chibi: The other white meat.
Fitz: *preens feathers*
Chibi: A'ight. A'ight! Nuff with this crud. On with the story!
Fitz: *holds out hot pad in case of flames*
I've Never Done THAT!
Setting: The police station.
Chou and Saitou stood in city lock-up, looking around at the empty
"I don't know why I let you talk me into this," Saitou muttered.
Chou grinned, "'Cause you're as shit-bored as I am. Look at this," he spread his hands, acknowledging the vacant room. "Empty. My voice is echoin', even."
"Then if you keep your mouth shut…" Saitou glanced up as the first of the party-goers arrived. It was Soujiro. He had, in fact, arrived quite abruptly, his grinning face popping up in front of Saitou.
"Heard there was a party," Soujiro chirped, the smile never leaving his face. "I'm ready."
"I thought you'd gone off wanderin' kid," Chou said, grinning back at the smiling young man.
Soujiro shrugged blithely. *Grin, grin* "Back."
The next people to walk in were Aoshi and Misao, followed by a rather apathetic-looking Hiko. Misao bounced in, looking very pleased with herself. "Look who I brought!" Her grin put Soujiro's to shame.
Aoshi and Hiko glanced at each other, then went to sit off to the side. Hiko immediately pulled out a jug of sake and poured himself a cup. He held the jug out toward Aoshi.
Misao made a wild grab for the jug, which Hiko raised nonchalantly above her head. As he was still sitting down, it was impressive.
"Hey, how come I don't get any?"
Chou came up behind her and patted her on the head. "Believe me, kid, you'll be gettin' plenty to drink before this party's over."
Misao was about to question that when Kamatari showed up, grinning broadly.
(Ne, there sure is a lot of grinning going on here.)
"Hey, Chou! Long time no see!
The scary thing from Scooby Doo suddenly ran through with a small group of badly-dressed teenagers and a dog trailing behind him. Everyone watched it go by, then dismissed it as a random hallucination.
"Is everyone here?" Saitou asked casually.
"Not yet," Chou replied. "I invited a few other people."
Saitou raised an eyebrow. "Just how many people are we going to be able to hold down here?"
Chou looked around at all the empty cells. "A lot."
Saitou glanced at the cells and smirked. Then, they heard the sound of people bickering from the stair well. Saitou got a strange, hopeful expression on his face. Perhaps they'd actually get a criminal to put in jail, thereby getting him out of this ridiculous gathering.
"Come on, you two!" a girl said, very bitchy.
"Yes, it will be fun," oddly, that sounded like an elderly man.
"Fun, my ass. I'm goin' for the booze." No mistaking it now. There was his criminal.
"There's still laundry that needs to be done de gozaru." So much for someone to put in jail.
"Ohohohohoho!" Saitou was a bit apprehensive at that horrible sound.
These were the remaining people. Kaoru, Dr. Gensai, Sanosuke, Kenshin, and Naga walked into the room. Megumi came up behind them and sent Naga running back out the door.
"But wait, there's booze! There's drinks! C'moooooon!" Naga's voiced faded away in the distance as she apparently took her leave. Involuntarily.
Kaoru gave Megumi a dirty look as they walked in and sat down. Dr. Gensai smiled and waved at the complete strangers in the room before going to sit beside Hiko. Hiko ignored him. And Sanosuke had Kenshin in a headlock. He dragged the rurouni into the room and deposited him on the floor in the middle of the room.
Kenshin looked around at all the people, quite a few of whom he'd hoped never to see again. "Oro." He stated calmly.
Saitou looked at Chou, who was wearing a self-satisfied smirk. "These are your last guests?"
"Well… yeah," Chou nodded, his hair not once moving. He used high-quality hair-mousse after all.
"I just remembered some paperwork that needs attending to in my office," Saitou turned to leave. He afforded the group a wave. "Have fun."
"Wait just a damned minute!" Chou protested. "You promised you'd stay!"
"I didn't promise. Nowhere in our conversation was the word 'promise' ever uttered."
"You shook hands on it!"
Saitou grumbled. Chou grinned. For once, he was winning the fight.
On the floor, Kenshin was still grumbling and muttering something about how if you let the laundry sit out for too long, you have to rotate the pile later so it doesn't get moldy.
"Ah, c'mon, Kenshin. If I had to come, so do you."
"But you didn't have to come, de gozaru yo!"
"Kenshin. There's booze. I had to come."
Kenshin continued to grumble under his breath. Chou smirked.
"If the Battousai stays-"
"Don't compare me to the Battousai," Saitou interrupted. "I'll stay."
Kenshin stood up to leave.
"Where are you going, baka deshi?"
Kenshin sat back down, pouting. "So what are we doing here anyway?"
Chou leaned casually against one of the cell doors. "Well, as you can see by the vacancy around this one-star hotel, we're bored out of our minds lately. Thanks to somebody whose name I won't say, but who is in this room right now, crime's been down these days."
Everybody looked at Kenshin. Said man blinked.
"…Isn't that a good thing?"
Saitou and Chou sighed in a small display of frustration. Megumi patted Kenshin's shoulder.
"Yes, it's a good thing, Ken-san."
Sano had been eyeing a large blanket in the center of the room, which he was pretty sure hid the alcohol. "So, what? We're having a keg party? I thought you guys were cops."
"Actually, we're going to play a game," Chou announced.
"…" was the response of every person in the room, but for…
"A game," Aoshi echoed disdainfully.
"A game," Chou confirmed. "Ever heard of 'I've Never'?"
"Never," Aoshi replied.
Misao doubled over in a convulsion. "Ohhh," she groaned as if in a great deal of pain. "Figures. Aoshi-sama's first attempt at a joke and it's…so bad." She squinched her eyes shut and continued to moan.
Aoshi blinked. "It wasn't intended to be a joke."
Kamatari waved her… his hand around excitedly.
"I know what it is! I know!"
"Do tell," Saitou muttered sarcastically.
"I tried to teach Souji-kun this game, but he always said no. Right, Souji-kun?"
If one was paying extra close attention, they would have noticed Soujiro's smile slip just the tiniest bit. "I remember."
Kamatari pouted. "He wouldn't respond to any questions. And I tried to persuade him to drink…"
Soujiro's smile was becoming more and more forced. "No drink tastes good when it's forced down someone's throat," he commented.
"I didn't force it down your throat," Kamatari protested. "I just… well…"
Everybody looked at the cross-dressing man skeptically.
"Fine, so I forced it down his throat."
Soujiro nodded. "So, if it's okay…Can I go now? I don't have good memories of this game. You think my childhood sucked? That's nothing compared to this game."
"It wasn't that bad!"
Saitou rubbed his temples and shook his head. "Just explain the rules, Chou."
"Fine," Chou shrugged. "Here we go! Someone starts out by saying 'I've Never,' and then says something he's never done before."
"Uh… okay." Misao scratched her head. "Like…I've never flown to China!"
Chou nodded. "That could work. But here's the clincher. If somebody in the room has done the thing you said, they have to take a drink. For example, if I said, "I've never cut my hair-"
"Well, that one's not obvious," Kamatari muttered, rolling his eyes. "Anyway. If anyone in this room has cut their hair, he or she will have to take a drink. And the idea is to see who gets the most plastered." Evil grin.
"That's right," Chou agreed. "So while your idea's interestin', Misao." He winked at her. "You won't get many people drunk with it."
"Can we start now?" Sanosuke asked, eyeing the 'hidden' sake in the middle of the room.
Kamatari waved his hand around. "Oh! Oh! Can I start? Can I?"
"Are you sure you haven't already had some?" Soujiro wondered.
"Shut up!" Kamatari scowled, then grinned. "Pass out the cups!"
So, the cups were passed around, the booze uncovered, and they proceeded to sit in a circle, albeit rather reluctantly.
Kenshin looked at Hiko warily, then at Saitou. He sighed.
Kamatari left Soujiro's side and went to sit between Megumi and Dr. Gensai. "Sorry, Souji-kun. I'd sit by you, but I know you're gonna puke before this game's done."
Soujiro shrugged, ever smiling, and glanced at Saitou and Chou. Saitou was putting on rain gear while Chou spread a towel over his lap.
"No offense, kid," Chou patted Soujiro's back. "If you're gonna hurl, do it thatta way," he pointed toward Saitou. "After all, he's better equipped."
"You are all mean," Soujiro laughed.
Sanosuke glanced back and forth between Megumi and Chou. Finally, he settled down between Chou and Kaoru, deciding that Chou was the lesser of two evils. At least he could win a word war with Chou.
Aoshi tried to scoot between Hiko and Kenshin, but he suddenly found his arm clamped between the teeth of a steel bear trap. Oh, wait. It was Misao's hand.
"Sit by me, Aoshi-sama!" she demanded, storm clouds developing behind her.
"…" He sat between Misao and Hiko.
Kaoru glared at Megumi but did not move from her spot. And the game began. Kamatari grinned.
"I've never…" he paused, then grinned deviously. "Dated a girl."
"Why am I not surprised?" Chou muttered, taking a sip from his cup.
Sano took a drink as well, as did Dr. Gensai. Everyone looked at Dr. Gensai, some a little green in the face, all trying to picture him romancing a girl. Hell, they were all trying to picture him… not old. A collective shake of the head.
Hiko reached for a drink as well. Kenshin shook his head, recalling all the girls his master had brought home. Aoshi reached for a drink, felt Misao's hand clamp down on his arm more tightly, and decided not to.
Kamatari, experienced with this game, missed nothing. "Aoshiiii. I saw that."
Aoshi looked from Kamatari to Misao and back again, a rare expression of panic on his face.
In a stare-down, Kamatari was at a disadvantage. Aoshi could win a stare-down with an owl. But what Kamatari lacked in consistency he made up for in intensity.
Aoshi quickly grabbed the glass, took a sip and set it down again as if it were on fire. Saitou smirked and took a drink from his own cup.
"Kenshin, you've never gone on a date?" Sanosuke teased.
Kenshin fiddled with his cup, blushing and shaking his head. Kaoru grinned.
"Really?" Kaoru had an almost predatory expression on her face. "I think it's sweet."
Kenshin tried to hide behind Hiko's mantle. Hiko smirked and tugged the mantle away. He glanced up.
Megumi smiled slyly.
"I'll go," she offered. "I've never… brushed my hair."
"Well!" Kaoru frowned at Megumi as she reached for a cup. "That's odd."
Megumi smirked. "So's your face."
"Oh," Saitou picked up a cup. "That's harsh."
Everybody else picked up a cup.
"Well, that was boring," Chou commented. "Anybody got somethin' more interestin'?"
"My turn next!" Kaoru said excitedly. "I've never killed a person!"
"That's boring too," Saitou reached for his cup again. So did Kenshin, Hiko, Chou, Soujiro, Kamatari, and Aoshi. Megumi reached for a cup as well.
"If you pick up that cup, I'll smack you one," Sanosuke snapped.
"It was an accident back when I first started being a doctor," she explained. "Didn't know the guy was alive when I had him cremated."
"Is she already drunk?" Sano wondered.
"I'm not lying, it's true!"
"What's the matter with you?" Chou drawled, turning to Soujiro, who was gasping for breath.
"N…nothing." Soujiro tried vainly to keep the smile in place. "Ki…kinda strong, isn't it? Is it supposed to…uhm…?"
"Burn?" Chou finished for him. "Yes. You'll get used to it."
"You grow to like it," Hiko added. "I believe it's the rooster's turn."
A rooster came strutting in, crowed something unintelligible, and walked off with a jug of sake in his mouth. Sanosuke wrestled the sake jug away from the rooster and sat back in his place in the circle.
"Very funny," he grumbled. "I've never… uh… intentionally started a fire. There."
"Ooooh!" Kamatari picked up a cup. "And it was so much fun!"
"Yeah, it was," Soujiro agreed, reaching for his own cup. "Who knew Shishio-san's old bandages would burn so well?"
"That's just wrong," Sanosuke said, taking a drink.
"Um, Sano," Kenshin looked at his friend oddly. "Why are you drinking? You just said…"
"I was thirsty."
Chou smirked and swallowed some sake.
"You make your own fun in the Juppongatana," he offered as an explanation. No one questioned this. He grinned and said, "I've never been mistaken for a woman."
"All right," Kamatari reached for his drink, missed, and tried again. "Rrrgh. Stand still, dammit."
"Motor skills are the first things to go," Chou remarked. "Megumi, hand the poor sap his drink."
"Hey!" Misao said abruptly. "Himura's trying to sneak a drink over there!"
Kenshin turned red. Saitou opened his mouth.
"Not a word, Saitou," Kenshin muttered. "Not one word."
"I sense a story here!" Megumi smirked.
"One that will not be told," Kenshin said, glaring at any who dared to oppose him.
Saitou grinned… wolfishly. Oooh, bad jokes abounds. Misao fell over into a convulsive fit again. "Aahh…Owww. You guys. Stop making such horrible jokes. Please."
"All right!" Chou slapped Soujiro's back. "Your turn kid."
Soujiro fell flat on his face. "'ve n'ver… mrmprmer."
Soujiro lifted his face an inch from the floor. "I've never had sex."
Silence. More silence. Hiko reached for a cup at the same time as Dr. Gensai.
"I don't know which is more disturbing," Megumi remarked, reaching for her own cup and taking a healthy…not healthy…sip.
Dr. Gensai shrugged as the other people in the room looked at him with revulsion. Chou snickered and picked up his cup. Kenshin and Saitou reached for their cups at the same time.
Sano cocked an eyebrow at Kenshin, even as he took a drink from his own cup. "Ooh, didn't know you had it in you, Kenshin. Way to go. Did you and Jou-chan-"
"No," Kaoru replied darkly, glaring at Kenshin. "And I thought you'd never dated anyone, Kenshin!"
Kenshin's face turned the color of Yahiko's Super Man underpants. "I haven't," he mumbled, twiddling his fingers.
"All right! Straight to the sex!" Sanosuke grinned. "That's the way to do 'em… it. Yeah….yeah." He then caught sight of Saitou taking his sip. "Oh, my God! That's disgusting!"
"Well that's not nice," Saitou smirked. "I'm sure Battousai wasn't that bad."
Kenshin elbowed the older man in the side, making him double over. He then donned the innocent, 'wasn't me' expression. Saitou didn't buy it, of course. "Besides," he continued, "I'm married, after all."
Sano's eyes went huge. "Wh…Oh. Oh, my fuckin' lord!"
Everyone nodded their agreement. Saitou sniffed impatiently and set down his cup.
"I've never accidentally killed a person," he said, smirking down at Kenshin, who glared at him balefully before picking up a cup.
Hiko and Megumi each picked up their cups.
"Megumi, why are…Oh, right, the cremation," said the floor. Everyone looked at the floor, then shrugged. They looked to Kenshin, who sighed and set down his cup.
"I'll say this now… before I have too much more to drink. I've never been drunk."
"Che, if you've never gotten drunk, you've never really lived," Chou said, bringing the glass to his lips.
"Damn straight," Kamatari agreed, trying to clink his glass against Chou's, but missing by several inches and whacking Dr. Gensai in the face with it instead. "Oopsie," he giggled girlishly. "Schpilled some."
Soujiro reached for a glass.
"Ah, ah, aaah!" Kamatari waved a finger in front of the boy's face…Actually, it was a little bit above his eyebrow. "You've neffer been drunk--" He looked closely at Soujiro's bleary eyes. "Nevermind. Here!" He poured the remainders of his own drink over the kid's head.
Soujiro appeared not to notice. "Ne, Chou was right. You do get used to this stuff." He missed his mouth when trying to drink, thereby dumping his sake in his lap. "Whoops. That'll make a mess."
"It already has," Megumi rolled her eyes and drank some sake. Kaoru and Sanosuke nodded their agreement and also drank. So did Hiko, Aoshi, Misao, Dr. Gensai and Saitou.
"I suppose it's my turn now," Hiko said, not a hint of drunkenness in his tone. "I've never wet my bed."
"Shishou!" Kenshin flushed in mortification.
"Take a drink, baka deshi."
Misao made a face. "Geez, Himura. And you call yourself a hitokiri."
Misao turned to see Aoshi holding a cup out to her.
"What's that for?"
"What?! Me! I've never--"
"Misao, I was the one who changed your futon every morning."
Kenshin lifted his cup in a mock salute toward Misao. She glared at him and threw back her drink. Grumbling under her breath, she glanced at Aoshi.
"Hmm," Aoshi thought about it for a minute. His mouth twitched into what might have been a smirk. Maybe. Probably not. "I've never wanted to screw Battousai."
Kenshin's jaw dropped. Scandalized, he looked around the room, watching as, with graceful blushes, Kaoru, Megumi, and Misao each took a drink. He caught a slight movement to his right and looked to see Saitou taking a drink.
"Ugh! S…Saitou?!" Kenshin looked like he was going to be sick.
Kenshin hadn't thought it possible, but the man blushed slightly. "Don't let it go to your head, Battousai."
Kenshin looked away quickly, only to see Sanosuke picking up a glass.
O.O "Oro! Sano?! Am I that popular with guys?"
Kenshin was suddenly grabbed from behind by Kamatari, who was proudly holding up his own cup.
"What, ya know I swing that way. An' you're hot as hell, you know that, don'tcha?"
And then came the real shocker.
Kenshin broke away from the circle and threw up in the corner.
Kamatari whooped. "We got one! Weird, I thought for sure it would've been Soujiro."
Soujiro hiccupped in response.
"My turn!" Misao announced, already very red about the face. "I've never committed a crime!"
"Yes you have!"
"I'm sure I don't know what you're taking about."
"Misao-dono, I was there. I've seen you commit a crime. And by the way you had everything all planned out, you'd obviously done it before," Kenshin said, crawling back to the circle and wiping his chin.
"Grrrrrrr, fine!" Misao crossed her arms grumpily. "I've never… worn a kimono."
"Here we go 'gain," Kamatari slurred, downing his seventh glass. "Damn, I'm gonna pay for this later tonight."
Naturally, Megumi and Kaoru each drank. They then all had the pleasure of seeing Saitou pick up a cup and hold it under Kenshin's nose.
"Drink up, Battousai," he taunted.
Blushing and glaring furiously, Kenshin snatched the cup out of Saitou's hand and quickly downed the sake. Kaoru burst out laughing.
"Is that the story you didn't want to tell before?" she asked, her words slurring together.
"Yes." His glare defied her to push the question any further.
"Oh." She giggled suddenly. "You're so sexy when you're pouting."
"Orooo…" he fell back. "I'm never getting up again."
Kenshin opened his eyes to see Soujiro standing over him, looking very ill.
"K…Kamatari-san?" his voice was thin and wobbly.
"Whattsa matter, Kid?" Kamatari was on him instantly, eyes shining. "You gonna puke?"
Soujiro nodded. "Uh-huh."
Kenshin utilized his god-like speed to sit up very quickly, all but leaping into Saitou's lap to get out of the way. Soujiro promptly threw up in the precise spot Kenshin had been lying only nanoseconds ago. By unspoken agreement, the entire group moved the circle over several feet. Saitou smirked at Kenshin, who went very red and climbed out of the man's lap.
"Well, are you out now, Souji-kun?" Kamatari asked.
Soujiro thought for a second. "I…I feel a lot better now. C'n I keep going?"
"Yeah, whadddever," Kaoru grinned, already smashed over four sips. "It's my turn now! I've never… well, I've never committed a crime!"
"You living with Kenshin for a year and never puttin' the moves on him is a crime," Megumi muttered.
Kenshin groaned and buried his face in his hands.
"No, don't give her ideas…" he pleaded, soft enough so that Kaoru would not hear him.
Megumi winked across the circle at Kenshin as she picked up her glass and drank. "I was an A-class Opium manufacturer, you know."
Kenshin sighed and picked up his glass, glancing sidelong at Saitou.
"Why aren't you drinking?"
"If you're talking about all the people I killed during the wars, it wasn't considered a crime. We were fighting for a good cause against the horrible deeds of the Ishin Shishi."
"He's got ya there, Kenshin," Sanosuke laughed, throwing back his own drink.
Kamatari laughed madly. "I'll drink to that!" He picked up his glass. "Ohhh. Mine's all gone."
"Here," Misao tossed a jug, more empty than not, in Kamatari's general direction. She missed completely, smacking Dr. Gensai in the head. The poor, drunken doctor passed out on the spot, and she blinked down at him in surprise. Kamatari grinned over the good doctor's form at Misao.
"All right!" he picked up the sake jug and took a swig right from the container. "One down. Eleven… um… is that Aoshi?"
Everyone looked toward Aoshi.
The man glanced up from where he'd been leaning on Misao. (Something he'd never have done while sober.) "Hmm? What? 'snot my turn again zizith?"
Misao jumped up. "Zizith? And just who is Zizith, may I ask?"
"Huh?" Aoshi watched her mouth move in apparent fascination. "Who's Zizith? You know sumthin' named Zizith?"
"Oh, he's gone," Chou snickered.
Kamatari reached over and poked Aoshi lightly on the forehead. Thud.
"Now he's gone! It'sh tied now. We gots two pukers and two that are passed out. Who's nexsht?"
"I din't puke 'cause I was drunk!" Kenshin protested, blushing furiously.
"Oh. Really? Why, then?" Kamatari asked, blinking innocently.
"Well, 'cause… um… ah… oh, hell."
"Ken-san was upset over the prospect of Kaoru wanting to sleep with him," Megumi offered.
"Megumi-d-" the rest was cut off as Kenshin was attacked by an extremely irate Kaoru.
"Kenshin! KenshinKenshinKenshinKenshin! It's not true, is it? I don't make you-"
"It's TRUE?! You bastard! You can just go…go sleep with Megumi tonight, or Gensai-sensei for all the damn I give!"
"B-b-but--! I don't want to sleep with Gensai-sensei!" Kenshin looked a bit ill at the prospect.
"But you wouldn' mind sleepin' with that….that foxwhore?!
"HEY!" Megumi slapped Kaoru. "Bitch!"
Kaoru jumped on Megumi and slapped her in return. "Slut!" A brawl ensued. Everyone watched as the girls tore at each other's hair and slapped each other until their cheeks were red. Kenshin crawled away, grateful that he was no longer in the middle of their fight. He sought the first safe haven he could locate, which happened to be under Sanosuke's arm. Sano grinned crookedly.
"Well, hey there, Kenshin. Lookin' for someone to hook up with for the night?"
"C…can we move on?" Kenshin pleaded. "Please?"
"Nope." Chou pointed to Soujiro. "The kid hasn't had a drink yet. And if anyone tells me he's never committed a crime, I'll tell ya my ass is a shepherd in England."
"Hey, Chou," Kamatari giggled. "I dun' see you drinkin' nuthin'!"
"Sure did," the man said. "Ya weren't watchin'"
"It doesn't count if nobody saw! Take anudder!"
Chou shrugged. "Sure thing." He fumbled with his glass a bit before raising it to his lips.
"Ooh! Feelin' it now, Chou-kun?!" Kamatari hooted.
"Naw. Th' glass is slippery. I can drink any of you under the table!"
"We'll see," he glanced at Kaoru and Megumi. The fight had stopped rather abruptly. "Down two more."
This set Kamatari to laughing again. "Yesh! They're droppin' like flies in a bonfire. Remember those bonfires, Souji-kun?"
Soujiro nodded wearily. "Yeah…yeah."
"By the way, Souji, it's your turn to drink."
"It is? Oh…I…I don't…"
"What's wrong? Feeling bad again?"
"Y…y…No, I c'n do'it. But…c'n you turn the switch off?"
"Th' switch. Th' button. That's makin' the spinny room."
"Sure thing, Souji-kun," Kamatari grinned. "But ya gotta drink first."
Soujiro reached for the cup, missed, tried again, missed, and tried yet again… only to miss. Finally, Chou picked up the cup and put it in the boy's hand.
"Oh!" Soujiro smiled at his cup. "There y'are."
He lifted the cup to his mouth. Well, to his face. Well, he tossed the drink over his shoulder and followed it, falling over backwards. He giggled.
"'m okay," he called blearily.
Chou poked him. "Kid… Kid?" He shrugged. "Oh well. Next?"
"It's the rooster's turn again," Saitou commented.
Sano looked up from stroking Kenshin's hair. Kenshin didn't seem to mind, so plastered was he by this point and so deathly afraid of everyone else in the room. Saitou looked at the Battousai oddly.
"Is he… purring?"
Sanosuke looked down at Kenshin, who swatted at the red bandanna dangling down his back.
Misao was staring warily at him. "I guess that's why Himura never gets drunk. He doesn't want anyone to know he turns into a cat when he's sloshed."
Nodding apprehensively, Sanosuke thought long and hard over what he had never done before. All the while, his hand gradually stopped stroking Kenshin's hair. No one noticed until said man-turned-cat opened his eyes. They were gold. The purring faded away into a lower, more threatening sound.
Saitou lifted an eyebrow. "Now he's growling."
Sano was starting to look just the slightest bit panicky. "I didn't do anything!"
"He wants you to keep petting him," Hiko offered. He was the only one (The only one conscious, anyway) that didn't seem at all surprised by Kenshin's behavior.
"Well that sounds wrong," Chou laughed.
Sanosuke had turned a nice shade of scarlet, but he resumed stroking Kenshin's hair--if a little more nervously than before. Kenshin sighed happily and leaned back against Sanosuke, then promptly fell asleep.
"Keep petting, Ahou."
"Okay, okay. Geez."
"You've never…" Saitou prompted, getting impatient in his increasing drunkenness.
"Shut up!" Sanosuke shouted. "I've never puked."
"Never?!" Misao blurted. She grabbed for her cup, and killed a lemming as he was about to jump off the rim into the liquid. She glared at it. "There's a dead rodent in my drink!"
"Well, now, thatsh weird now, innit? What's he in there for?" Kamatari reached over and poked the dead animal. "Hey. Hey, you get outta Mishao's drink. You weren' invited. Get yer own."
"You could feed it to Battousai," Saitou suggested, swallowing some sake.
Sano looked down at the near-comatose man. "I don't think he wants anything to eat right now."
"I could put it in a bag for him to take home."
"Nah, that's no good," Misao objected. "He won' be a cat tomorrow."
"You still gotta drink, M'sao," Kamatari slurred, grinning widely.
"I don' wanna. There'sh a lemmon…lemmim…a mousie innit."
"Here," Sanosuke tossed Kaoru's cup to Misao. "Whoops."
Misao stuck out her tongue to catch the drops of sake dripping from her hair. The cup still sat, overturned on her head. "S'gara! That hurt! You bashtard!" She fumbled inside her shirt for her Kunai. "Eat this, you big jerk!"
Sanosuke picked up Kenshin and used the unconscious rurouni as a shield. He needn't have bothered, as the kunai hit the wall five feet above Sano's head. Misao watched, fascinated, as each one fell.
*sploosh* The first one landed in the puddle of Soujirou's vomit.
"Eww! Dammit, Soujiro! I had to scrape all my money together to get these!"
Soujiro's response was a soft snore.
"Hey, I'm talkin' to you! You wake up right this minute and own up, kid!"
"It's always someone else's fault, isn't it?" Saitou commented, plucking Soujiro out of reach and tossing him to Kamatari.
"Owww…" said Kamatari from beneath the very drunk Tenken. "Unnessss… neccessesses… jerk."
Saitou snickered. He glanced over as the other three kunai landed. One fell harmlessly on Dr. Gensai's head. The next one fell in Misao's new cup, which, fortunately for her, was still on her head. She blinked and muttered a quick, "'dat was close." And the final kunai… landed sharp side down in Hiko's cape. Said Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu master stared at the kunai, which had made an ugly hole in his cloak, one eyebrow twitching.
Misao shrank back, smiling nervously. "Um… whoops?"
"Whoops, indeed." His voice was low and quietly dangerous. "What are you going to do about it?"
"Start runnin'?" she asked.
Hiko nodded, very slowly. Misao quickly hauled herself to her feet and staggered for the door.
Chou and Kamatari were holding onto each other, laughing their asses off. Sano was "helping" Misao find her way to the door by steering her in the direction of an open cell.
She didn't notice until her head hit the wall and she heard a loud clack! behind her.
Sanosuke smirked. "This way, Hiko can't get you."
Misao blinked. "Hey! You're right!" She walked very carefully over to the cot and sat down. "I c'n jus' sleep here!"
Hiko glared at his cape, wondering if he could get his baka deshi to fix that hole in it. Saitou offered him another cup of sake, and he forgot about Misao and happily drank the alcohol. When he took a break to breathe, he noticed that Saitou was looking at him with a look that seemed…almost crazed.
"What's your problem?"
"I lost count of how many drinks I've had tonight," Saitou informed him.
Hiko wasn't impressed. "So?"
"You should know there's a reason I don't drink often."
"I'm enthralled. Go on."
"When I drink too much, I get…violent."
"Should we lock you up with the weasel?"
"I'd like to see you try," Saitou smiled darkly. Hiko just shook his head and went back to his sake. Saitou glared at him.
"Ouch! Hey!" Hiko glared at Saitou. His cheek had a red mark in the shape of a hand on it. "What was that for?"
"I told you," Saitou said, "I get violent."
"So you slapped me?"
"Yes. What are you gonna do about it?"
"Oh, yeah?! Well, how bout this?" Smacksmack
"Why you little-!" SMACK!
And thus, Hiko slapped Saitou into dreamland. He watched as the police officer fell over, unconscious on the floor, then picked up his sake jug and poured another cup for himself. "That was stupid."
Kamatari was laughing his head off. "Okay! My turn! My turn!"
"Your turn t' do what?" Sanosuke asked blearily.
"Ask a question, ya twit!"
"Hey! I don' know what that means, but I don' like it!"
"It means, 'the geese fly at high noon.'"
"What, we're still playin' that game?"
"Oh…who's still in?"
"Does it matter?" Kamatari demanded, smacking Sano one with his stick. (No longer a scythe. Just a stick. A rather short stick, at that. O.O >. O.o ^____________^ Sanosuke burst out laughing. "I get it! I get it! BWAAAAHAA!"….Uhm, Sano. Babe? It's your line.)
"Fine, then. Go ahead."
"Yay!" Kamatari laughed. "I've neffer… said 'oro'!… Before right now."
"What th' hell kinda thing izzat?"
"Yeaaaah, stuff it," Sanosuke managed to take another drink, although most of it slopped down the front of his jacket. "Damn. I hope that don' stain." He looked down at Kenshin, with his head in Sano's lap. Sano's arm had gone numb moments ago, so he barely even realized he was still stroking the neko-Kenshin's hair. "Damn, no fair. If anyone should drink, it's him! Oi! Oi, Kenshin." With his free hand, he poked Kenshin lightly. Kenshin didn't stir. "Ah, c'mon. Have a drink!" Nothing. Sano thought for a second. Then, hoping he wouldn't regret this, he stopped stroking Kenshin's hair.
Kenshin's eyes snapped open, glinting gold. "Grrrrrrrrwllll."
Sano quickly grabbed a nearby jug and tipped its contents down Kenshin's throat.
"--rreeccchhkkk!" Kenshin started choking, waking momentarily from his drunken stupor to struggle against the sake jug. "*Gleck* Sano!" Thoroughly soaked in sake, Kenshin stumbled away, only to trip over Hiko.
Hiko looked down at his sodden baka-deshi with disgust. "Hey. You. Get your cat back under control before I have him neutered."
Looking a bit pale, Sanosuke quickly snatched Kenshin out from beneath Hiko's glare.
"Shh. Kenshin, shut up," Sanosuke took to petting Kenshin's hair again just to stop him from whimpering. Kenshin dropped off into happy, drunken sleep again.
Sano rolled his eyes. "I'm not even gonna try to wake up Jou-chan to give her her due…" he glanced over and saw that Kamatari had fallen over. "Oi! You 'wake?"
"Sure!" Kamatari's voice came muffled from where his face was pressed into the floor. "I'm goooooood. I could go aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllllllll night!"
"Really? You wanna test that?"
Kamatari's eyes lit up. "Sure! Let'sh ditch dis game an' get it--" There was a dull thud as Kamatari's face met floor again.
"Well…" Sano smirked and picked up Kamatari's share of sake. Within minutes, he had joined Kamatari in his soused slumber.
Hiko and Chou, both relatively sober, looked at the various people, littering the floor. They glanced at each other, then grinned savagely.
"You wanna skip the dumb statements and go straight to the drinking?" Chou asked.
Hiko eyed the other man up and down. "You're about ten years too young to drink me under the table."
"Ha! Bet I could."
"I'm sure," Hiko looked around. "Let's make sure we have no more interruptions."
Chou followed his gaze and smirked. "Sounds like a plan."
*The next morning*
Kenshin woke up the next morning after being stomped on all over
by herds of big, burly men in spiked shoes. He wondered when that had happened.
He couldn't remember being involved in any fights last night. In fact,
he couldn't really remember anything that had happened last night after
nearly being puked on by Soujiro.
He opened his eyes a tiiiiiny bit. To open them any further would no doubt cause him great pain. The place didn't seem like Megumi's clinic. Shouldn't that be where he ended up if he'd indeed been involved in a fight? His head told him someone had tried to smash his skull open the previous night, so in a fight he must have been. And he'd probably been kicked in the stomach at some point, because…Oh, shit. Kenshin hated to throw up. He would not let it happen. Not, no, no…shit. Gotta get up. Gotta…oh…SHIT!
There was something very heavy holding him down. He squirmed ineffectively, trying to get to the side of the small cot. But that something was too heavy to move. Make that a someone. An arm suddenly dropped into his line of sight. Kenshin swallowed back his nausea and set his hung over mind to figuring out who that arm belonged to. It's kind of hairy… Kaoru-dono? No… she's not this heavy… Maybe Sano…
"Hummm… This is nice. Kenshin?"
The memories of the night before came flooding back.
"Oh my," Dr. Gensai murmured. Kenshin buried his face in his arms, trying not to get sick. "I don't remember this. Did we…?"
"Are you sure? Aww, that's a shame. It's been quite some time since I did anything…manly."
Kenshin was feeling more ill by the second.
"…Please get off."
"Aw, so soon?"
"I'm about to be sick. A lot."
To Kenshin's great relief, Dr. Gensai moved enough to allow him to launch himself off the bed. He immediately found a nice corner to throw up in. And no, he wasn't exaggerating. It was a lot.
"Well… I'm turned off."
"Good!" Kenshin managed to choke out before ducking his head and going back to throwing up.
Two cells over
"Oooooohhhhhhhhh, my head…" Megumi tried to recall how much she'd
had to drink the previous night. Six? Seven glasses? That would explain
the hangover. That did not, however, explain the dog that was puking across
the corner. Oh, wait. Wait. It wasn't a dog…was it? Nope. Boy, did Kaoru
look bad in the morning. "Tanuki-chan?"
"I'm not sure how, yet," Kaoru managed to lift her head long enough to complete a coherent sentence. "But this is your fault."
"Whaddaya mean, my fault?! I didn't make you drink anything! It's not my fault you're too stupid to know when to quit!"
"Oh, right, and look at yoooou, Miss Sunshine!"
"At least I'm not… um… urk!" Megumi rushed over and joined Kaoru, throwing up in the corner. "This isn't over yet."
"I'll kick your ass when I'm done being sick."
The sunlight filtered through the window, illuminating the small
room where Misao slept. The girl opened her eyes languidly to take in the
most beautiful thing she had ever seen. It was her dream come true. Her
fantasy, her wish. Aoshi was lying in bed next to her… and he was shirtless.
Glancing down, she discovered that, regrettably, his pants were still in
their proper place.
Mmm. This is great. If this is how the game ends, I want to play it every night. She gazed at Aoshi's serene sleeping face. The lips were parted just slightly, but --Misao knew Aoshi-sama would never-- he wasn't drooling or snoring or anything annoying like that.
Yeah. I could just lie here all day and watch him sleep. What could be…Wait. His lips were moving, ever so slightly. Misao leaned in to hear what he was saying.
"Never… drinking… again…Damn Misao…her idea… 'It's gonna be fun,' my ass."
A vein started throbbing in Misao's forehead. Her soft growl prompted the hung over man to pry one eye partially open. He never knew what hit him.
Aoshi became one with the floor.
It was the tiny sharp object jabbing directly into his ass that
first got his attention.
"What the fuck?" Sano demanded of his surroundings, jumping away from that offending object.
If he was expecting a coherent answer, he was to be disappointed. He blinked down at the pile of straw dumbly. And he did get his answer, albeit not the coherent one he had hoped for.
A rooster strutted before him, hopping lightly to land upon the pile of straw he had just abandoned. It fixed its beady black eyes on the intruder and announced:
"WHAT THE FUCK?!"
Yet another jail cell
"I told you. I told you I didn't…like this game. It's no fun and--"
Kamatari quickly shoved Soujiro's head back towards the bucket in front of them as he quite suddenly heaved yet again. Though he had drunk far more than the Tenken, Kamatari was feeling pretty good, if one did not account for the pounding headache and violently ill boy in his lap.
"Geesus, Souji-kun. You gotta tell me first. I mean, you must know you're gonna puke before you actually do it."
"Don't worry about it, kid. I'm not wearing my best clothes right now. If you don't make it, I won't hurt you too much."
"That's good to know… erm… sick again."
"In the bucket! In the bucket!" Kamatari shoved Soujiro's head back toward the bucket, heedless of his words moments before. A few seconds later, Soujiro lifted his head. Kamatari smiled. "You okay now?"
"Back to the bucket, kid."
Outside the police station
There was a crowd gathering. Mostly police officers, but there
were a few of Kyoto's citizens that stopped to investigate as well. And
they were all looking up, where the flag should have been waving in the
morning breeze. But that was no flag. It was a pair of shorts, with cute
widdle hearts printed all over it.
"Something's written on it," one officer pointed out.
"What's it say?"
"Uh… Fujita Goro… Wednesday."
Back in another jail cell
"What the--!" Saitou's voice rang out over the mayhem of city lock-up, where the only people locked up were supposedly upstanding citizens. "Where the hell are my boxers?!"
In the center of the large room, remnants of last night's party
were scattered about. Empty sake jugs and glasses littered the area, a
sodden dead rodent was lying with its tiny feet in the air A few kunai
sat dejectedly in the corner.
And amongst all this, two people still sat. Chou and Hiko stared over their respective cups at each other, determination gleaming in their hazy eyes.
"You ready t' quit?" Hiko asked, slurring a bit but overall, remarkably clear.
Chou laughed, loud and drunken.
Both men looked up as the sound of heavy footsteps on the stairs.
"Aw, shit," Chou muttered. "It can't be morning already."
"What, who is it?"
"The prison guards, of course. They--"
"What the hell is going on here?!"
"--always get here first in the morning."
Three men in uniforms filed through the door, staring with wide, incredulous eyes at the chaos that was city lockup.
"Ah, well…" Chou scratched his chin, trying to appear deeply serious. "There was quite a riot down here. I don't know how these people got in. But it's under control now." He gestured to the people in the cells, all at varying stages of consciousness. "As you can see, we…apprehended them." He hoped that was the right word. He wasn't familiar with all this police talk yet.
"You… had a party down here," one guard stated with dumb realization.
"With alcohol… a lot of it," another added.
"Yeah, I know it's against the rules…" Chou muttered, somewhat sheepish.
"Who are all these people?" a guard gestured to the jail cells.
Aoshi and Misao were in one cell. Misao flicked off the guard and returned to hollering at Aoshi for his insensitivity. In the next cell, Megumi and Kaoru had resumed their cat fight and were currently pulling each others' hair and threatening to scratch each others' eyes out. Across the aisle, Kenshin was huddled on a cot, pleading with Dr. Gensai not to come near him. He looked close to tears. One over, Soujiro was off in dreamland once again while Kamatari was sitting in the far corner, having shoved the bucket waaaay off into the opposite side of the cell. And in the last cell…
"Is that Fujita-kun?"
Saitou glared at them over his cigarette. He proceeded to ignore them. Chou rubbed the back of his neck and offered a lopsided grin.
The sun was shining. People milled about the market place, chatting
and laughing cheerfully. It was a beautiful day for everyone… other than
the group of hung-over men and women that stumbled home.
Actually, not all of them were walking. Kamatari had located a wheelbarrow out behind the police station and was carting Soujiro around in it, happy as a clam. Like a mother with her newborn baby. Kenshin was riding piggyback on Sano, who was leaning on Megumi, who was being supported by Aoshi, who was carrying Misao awkwardly in his arms.
"If you throw up on me, Kenshin, I'll kick your ass."
"You offered to carry me," Kenshin retorted weakly. "You knew the risks."
"Don' drop me, Aoshi-sama," Misao mumbled.
"You probably wouldn't even notice at this point."
Hiko had Kaoru slung over one shoulder and Dr. Gensai over the other. Kaoru did not look too happy, while Dr. Gensai looked like he had not a care in the world.
"Stop kicking me, Kamiya," Hiko snapped.
"I think I prefer getting carried around by Kenshin," Dr. Gensai commented.
Kaoru's foot came out and whacked the old man in the ass. "Shuddup. He'll hear you!"
Judging by Sano's loud cursing ahead of them, Kenshin had heard. Sano had never moved faster than in that moment, when he swung Kenshin to the side of the road to throw up in a bush… as opposed to his shirt.
Sano's sudden stop caused Megumi to lose her balance and fall over onto her face. Chou consequently tripped over Megumi's prone form and he came down hard next to her. A few feet away, Kamatari and Soujiro were laughing their heads off. Kamatari stopped laughing rather quickly as Soujiro suddenly declared that he needed to join Kenshin by the bushes.
"Aww, Souji! I thought you said you were done!"
"I thou--" Soujiro couldn't finish his sentence. Kamatari quickly wheeled him over to "Kenshin's bush" so he could throw up over the side.
It was about this point that Yahiko happened by on his way to the Akabeko. He would have ignored them if he had not heard the distinct sounds of Dr. Gensai's voice: "I'm sure I can find something to remedy that, Kenshin." Followed by the rather unpleasant sound of retching.
Yahiko whipped his head around to see Kenshin and a younger man sitting on the ground, both looking very sick. Actually, Kenshin was on his hands and knees looking ready to pass out. Sano hovered over him worriedly.
"Oi, Kenshin. You going to be sick again?"
"Oh my God! Kenshin! What's wrong?" He ran over to Kenshin's side.
"N….nothing," Kenshin mumbled, his face suddenly an interesting shade of pink. "Good morning, Yahiko."
Yahiok's eyes widened. "But…what the hell…And this guy?" He jabbed a finger in Soujiro's general direction.
Soujiro smiled. "Hi, there. I'm Soujiro. I used to kill lots of people, but I don't anymore. Nice to-- Ahh! Kamatari-san!"
Yahiko winced and looked away as Kamatari gently shoved Soujiro back toward the bushes. "My God," he said again. What had happened to make these two so sick? "What the hell happened to them?"
He looked around and noticed there were a bunch of other people he knew. Kaoru and Dr. Gensai were being carried in the arms of Hiko. Megumi was standing nearby, swaying slightly. Kamatari was now holding a hand to her….his head. "What the hell, are all of you sick?"
And then he noticed the smell. He hadn't been aware of it at first; it had been overpowered by …a less pleasant smell. This smell he knew.
"Holy shit," he proclaimed, "You're all stinking drunk!"
"We're not drunk!" Kaoru said indignantly.
"No," Aoshi agreed solemnly. "We are hung over."
Misao raised her head, grinning. "I didn't throw up," she announced proudly.
"No," Aoshi said, patting her indulgently on the head. "You didn't."
"As nice as this little reunion is, Kaoru is getting heavy," Hiko observed, earning himself another knee to the chest. "Someone else take her, and I'll dump Gensai-sensei and Megumi back at the clinic."
Yahiko continued to stare for a moment at these people who dared call themselves adults. Finally, he turned on his heel with an indignant sniff. "You're disgusting," he said over his shoulder. "You can hang out here all day. Some of us have work to do." And he stalked off, looking very dignified in his frilly apron.
Those remaining looked at each other doubtfully.
"I think it's time we returned home, Misao," Aoshi suggested.
"I don't wanna walk all the way home!" Misao whined.
"…I'll carry you," Aoshi said with a long-suffering sigh.
"Really?!" Misao's eyes went big and dewy.
"The train station is just two streets over," Aoshi nodded. "And since I'm already carrying you…"
"We should get going too," Kamatari announced, hauling a mostly-recovered Soujiro off the ground. "Right, kid?"
"Oh, sure!" Soujiro said with a happy grin. "Can we stop and get something to eat first?"
Kamatari blanched. "You wanna eat?!"
"Oh, okay!" Kamatari relented. He picked up a bucket and followed Soujiro down the street.
Kenshin, Sano, and Kaoru looked at each other.
"So…" Sano said awkwardly. "Now what?"
"Can we go home now?" Kenshin asked plaintively.
"You almost threw up on me last time I carried you," Sano grumbled.
Sano eyed him warily. "You sure?"
He paused for a moment, considering. "Uhm….yeah, pretty sure."
"Will you carry me, Sanosuke?" Kaoru asked, batting her eyelashes.
"I'm not that strong!" Sano protested.
Kaoru's face turned very red, steam pouring out of her ears.
"To carry the both of you!" Sano said quickly. "Both of you!"
"Well…Fine!" Kaoru tossed her ponytail haughtily over her shoulder and proceeded to sway down the block.
Sano looked at Kenshin. "Shall we go?" he asked.
Kenshin nodded and held up his arms. Sano rolled his eyes and picked up his friend.
"A little to the left! No, my left!"
"What the hell's the difference? We're facing the same direction!"
"Then….to the right!"
"Ahou yourself! You're the one in the tree!"
Saitou cursed and inched along the tree branch to his destination. On the ground, Chou continued to direct him.
"Damned wind," Saitou snarled. "If I ever find out who did this…"
Chou laughed nervously. "I'll help you kick his ass," he assured.
Saitou nodded absently. They were within his reach now. If he just stretched a little more--
"Do ya almost got 'em, Fujita-kun?!"
Gritting his teeth, Saitou did not respond to the chief of police. He was almost there. He balanced on his toes, fingers reaching…
"YOU GOT 'EM!" Chou shouted triumphantly, startling the officer in the tree.
Rustle Rustle Whooooosh!
Chou winced in sympathy and glanced uneasily at the chief of police as Saitou swore loudly. Saitou's boxers were perched at a jaunty angle on his head. The chief of police looked down at the man on the ground in mixed annoyance and amusement.
"Next time, Fujita-kun, I expect you'll keep better track of your undergarments."
Saitou watched the police chief walk away. He turned to Chou.
"The next time you get bored, Chou," he said, "Go find some paperwork to do."
Kenshin: *In therapy, on a couch* And then, Aoshi said…
Sano: It wasn't that bad!
Hiko: *sips more sake*
Misao: I love you, Aoshi-samaaaaaaaa!
Megumi: That was a pointless exercise.
Kamatari: Never want to see that bucket again.
Dr. Gensai: Let's do that again!