Ficlet: The Sex Scene I Want To See

spoilers: none past Never Leave Me, if that

disclaimers: I don't own them

set: as Jane Austen said in "Mansfield Park" (p.
470, Oxford Illustrated Edition, Oxford 1923 repr.
1982),

"I purposely abstain from dates on this occasion,
that every one may be at liberty to fix their own
... I only intreat every body to believe that
exactly at the time when it was quite natural that
it should be so, and not a week earlier ..."

This story takes place whenever you think Buffy
and Spike will have had time to work out their
problems, learn to be friends and fight side by
side, and respect and trust one another. For me,
probably not this season, given the glacial pace
of the story so far. But hey! could be wrong! So
put it whenever you want it :)

***

Scene: Somewhere with a common area, a bathroom
and a bedroom.

As we watch, Buffy enters the common area through
an outside door just as Spike is coming out of the
bathroom, towel around his waist, towelling his
hair dry. (Author's note: since he's alone, why is
he wearing a towel around his waist? Well, I did
say PG ...) She doesn't immediately see him and
calls "Spike? I brought the books over about the
Graawwwl demons - oh, sorry!" she exclaims as she
catches sight of him. She turns her head and
blushes a little.

"Give me a second to get decent, Slayer," he says,
looking a little amused. He goes into the bedroom
and returns shortly in jeans and a t-shirt,
barefoot, hair all fluffy in that redemption!Spike
style. "The Grawwl demon?"

"Graaawwwwlll", says Buffy. "Something like that.
Giles gave up correcting my pronunciation. I
wanted you to have a look at the pictures before
we go hunting it."

"Thanks," Spike says, and takes the stack from
her. His hand brushes against hers and she
stiffens almost imperceptibly and withdraws. "I'll
leave you to it," she says.

He glances at her briefly, thoughtfully, and turns
to the books. "Hang around for a minute, Buffy,
while I go through these," he says, flipping open
the top volume. He jerks his head towards the
kitchen. "Tea in the top cabinet." (author's
note: I'm guessing now that this is Spike's
place.)

"Do you want a cup?" she asks as she heads for the
kitchen.

"If you're making it anyway," he says. He lifts
his head and watches her go. "There's a tray in
there by the toaster if you want to bring it all
out here," he calls after her.

She returns a few minutes later with a pot of tea,
mugs, milk and sugar on a tray. "This came from
Doublemeat Palace!" she says, pointing at the
tray.

Spike shrugs. "Don't look at me, Slayer. Came
with the place."

"Oh, I believe you," Buffy says with a sarcastic
intonation.

"Yeah, Slayer, you do." He looks at her quietly
and she nods, looking a little embarrassed.

"Yeah, sorry. Bad joke."

"I know." He pushes the books on the table aside
to make space. "Here." When she sets down the
tray he pours her a cup, adds milk and passes it
over to her where she sits on the couch by the
table. He adds milk and sugar to his own and sits
down not quite beside her, halfway between her and
the other end of the couch.

He waits until she's got her cup halfway to her
lips before he speaks. . "So, Buffy," he says
conversationally. "Let's talk about sex."

"What?!" she jumps, nearly spilling her tea, and
begins to stand, but he motions her back down.

"Really. I think it's time we talked about it."

She settles back down slowly, holding her teacup
like a shield and giving him the wide-eyed
frightened deer look.

His t-shirt, perhaps it's time to for me to say,
is a dark blue formfitting crew neck that outlines
his every muscle and leaves his arms bare. Buffy
has noticed this and is trying not to look.

He takes a sip of his tea and sets it on the
table.

"We've been friends for - how long?"

Buffy says, insert reader's choice of length of
friendship.

"We've fought together, saved the world reader's
choice of number of times, we trust and respect
each other, we know each other better than either
of us knows anyone else."

Buffy nods.

"You know I love you."

She slowly nods again.

"I don't want to make the same mistake I did
before. But I think your feelings for me are
warm. You're fond of me."

"Well, of course I am," Buffy says. "You're my
best friend. I never thought I'd say that, but
you really are. I - " she stops.

"Buffy, I don't want to overstep here." He is
careful not to lean towards her or put her on the
defensive by his physical position. "Forgive me
if I'm wrong, please. But - I've increasingly had
the impression that you're more than fond."

She looks away from him and begins to shake her
head.

"Buffy, please." He looks at her. "I know you're
attracted to me. I know I could seduce you and
hope you'd realise your feelings for me that way.
But I tried that before too and I don't want to do
it again. If it didn't work we would lose our
friendship, and that means a great deal to me."

She doesn't answer or look at him. After a minute
he shrugs and picks up his mug again. "About the
Grawwl demon, they're not hard to - "

"I am," she says quietly. He stops speaking and
looks at her.

She turns to look at him. "I am. Much more than
fond." She takes a deep breath. As if that
admission was painful, or frightening. "But I
can't understand how you could want me," she says
in a rush. "After the things I did to you."

"Buffy, after the things I did to you - after all
the things I've done - your friendship is the
greatest honour you could pay me." He sets his
mug down again and half-turns to face her.

"I'm not saying I don't have scars. But so do
you," he says. "And I'd like - " he pauses,
unsure of his words, a rare thing for Spike, and
settles finally for "I'd like to try. If we take
it slowly, feel our way, don't assume anything, I
think we'll be okay."

Buffy looks at him for a long moment, and nods
hesitantly. "But - about, uh, sex." She looks
away from him. "It's not that I haven't - thought
of you." She is turning painfully pink. Spike
listens without moving or interrupting. "But - I
have these awful memories. Of all the things I
did, the way I just - I made use of you and doing
those things was - " she stares at her teacup -
"in an awful way it was just another way of
showing how much I hated you and despised you and
you didn't matter to me. And - we'd be doing the
same things. And it would make us both remember."
She faces him again. She's quite pink now. "I
don't see how you could possibly want me now. And
- I never want to go back to that. I would
never want to treat anyone that way. Ever again."

"As for flashbacks, you're not the only one,"
Spike says quietly. "All I can do is promise
myself that I will never - try to force you -
again. I know I won't. It helps me to know that
you would never let me." He pauses, and holds her
eyes. "I will never let you treat me that way,
Buffy. Ever again."

His eyes still on her, he adds soberly, "And I
think it's for me to say whether I want you."

Buffy breathes shakily. "I know." She looks away
from him. "Uh, there's something else." She
takes another breath. "I'm not saying this to be
insulting. Just, you should know."

She looks back at him, but it's an effort. "If I
were you, I'd be really angry with me," she says.
And - " she pauses and struggles for words. 'This
is awful to say but I have to. I'm afraid you are
angry, and you just don't know it. That if we -
start - you'd treat me the same way I treated you.
And it's not like I don't deserve it, I do. But I
-" she takes a deep breath. "I really couldn't
stand it. Not from you." She glances at him.
"Your friendship means a lot to me, too. I'd
rather do anything than lose it. I'd rather never
have sex again for the rest of my life, than lose
it."

Spike considers her. "I feel the same way," he
says at last. "If those are the choices, then
bashing the bishop in the morning shower is
definitely the way to go."

"Spike!" Buffy is half-shocked, half-laughing.

"Sorry." He obviously isn't really, he's smiling.
"But I think you're saying that you're afraid you
can't trust me."

Buffy shakes her head vehemently. "No. I know I
can trust you. I can trust you before anyone. I
just - "

"You're just afraid."

She nods. "And then with the - not wanting to go
there again and - "

"You'd have made a wonderful Victorian virgin, you
know," Spike says. She glances up at him; he has
the tenderest look on his face that you can
imagine. Like when she came down the stairs after
her resurrection, but amplified a thousand times.
"Fortunately I have training in being a Victorian
virgin."

"Virgin?" Buffy can't help but be warmed,
reassured, by the look on his face. She relaxes a
little. "Uh, amnesia here?"

He smiles at her. "We're both afraid, of
ourselves, of each other, we don't know what we
can trust. We'd both be starting over.

"But Buffy, we can't forget, but we don't have to
do the same things at all. Or the same way. For
one thing, we don't have to do it all at once."

She digests this, and seems unsure. "How would
that - "

"If you felt scared, or uncomfortable, or were
having flashbacks, or for any other reason. Or if
I did. We'd just stop. Right away. Either of us
can always say no. So we'd go slowly. Give
ourselves a chance to heal, be comfortable with
each other, be sure we can trust each other." He
smiled at her. "William would be more comfortable
with that anyway. He'd prefer a 4-year courtship
on general principles."

Buffy is watching him now.

"And we can always stop?" she asks. "If it's not
working? And go back to being friends."

"We can always stop," he confirms.

She sits back on the couch. "Well - I guess we
could try," she says. She smiles at him
tentatively. (authors' note: dipping into the mind
of a character when I haven't done it before now
but I don't know how else to make this point):
Buffy thinks, geez, this has got to be the most
clinical discussion of a relationship I've ever
had, so why am I so horny? But it doesn't seem to
be the moment, and she hides this. Spike inhales
imperceptibly, those old vampire senses again, but
he does her the courtesy of pretending he doesn't
know the state she's in.

"Right," he says. He turns back to the table.
"Now about the Grawwl demons."

"Spike!" He turns back to her, hiding a smile. "I
thought we could -uh - "

"Celebrate our new agreement?" She nods,
blushing.

"Not if you don't want," she says. She's off
balance, not sure what to expect, and feeling
suddenly shy.

He looks at her. "I'd like to kiss you," he says.
He smoothes a strand of hair back from her
forehead with one hand. "Would that be all
right?"

She nods again and slides a little closer to him
on the couch. He sets one hand gently on her
shoulder, and leans towards her, giving her time
to move away. She moistens her lips and moves
towards him instead. His lips delicately touch
her forehead, her eyebrows, her cheekbone. Her
eyes half-close and her hand slides up to his
chest. She turns her face to meet his lips. Their
lips meet, graze, touch and taste each other.
After a moment he pulls away, looks at her and
leans back to kiss her more deeply. His hand
slides through her hair; her hands slips over his
chest to his shoulders, and she hangs on for dear
life.His arm wraps around her back and holds her
there, against his body.

An endless time later they draw apart. She is
bright red and breathing as if she's just run a
marathon. He kisses her cheek, her forehead, and
she snuggles her head into the curve of his neck.
Without any warning, she bursts into tears.

"Buffy! Buffy, what's wrong? Are you - " Spike
starts to pull away, concerned, but she wraps her
arm around his waist and stays where she is,
shaking her head, and wipes her streaming eyes.

"I'm sorry. I just - I thought I'd lost you. I
thought we could never - and I was so sorry. And
now I've never been happier in my life."

His face breaks into the tenderest smile you can
imagine. Go back to the last one and add an order
of magnitude. He pushes her hair back and kisses
her eyebrow. "Me too, sweetheart." His arm stays
wrapped around her while she finishes sniffling
and wipes her face.

"I'm sorry, that kind of spoilt the mood," she
says, sitting up.

"No, pet." He leans forward and kisses her cheek.
"It was the mood." She gives him a watery smile.

"Now about those Grawwl demons," they chorus, and
both begin to laugh. Spike turns to the books on
the table in front of them, and Buffy sits beside
him on the couch, their upper arms and legs
brushing together. They turn the pages together
and read, discussing the important points. Every
so often Buffy looks up and kisses his cheek.
Every so often Spike strokes her hair. Neither of
them has the slightest idea what's in the books,
they might as well have been reading the back of a
cereal box, but oh well.

When the last book is set aside Buffy looks at
Spike uncertainly. "I'd like to stay but -"

"But it's too soon. For me too, pet." Spike
stands and offers her his hand (author's note:
foreshadowing ...). She takes it (see last
author's note) and rises. "Can I walk you home?"
he asks.

"It depends," she says. "Will you kiss me
goodnight when we get there?"

He grins at her. "You'll just have to wait and
see."

(author's note: and they lived happily ever after.)