Thank God I don't own any of the teletubbies, infact I hate them, so I claim nothing.

'Over the hills, past the M6 motorway, heading towards Redditch, the teletubbies live...'

(cue annoying music)

'Eh-oh' said the drunken Dipsy as he staggered from a dark hole in a hill. Dipsy had such a hangover he couldn't even talk properly.

Unfortunately the other teletubbies had no excuse, they were just plain stupid. Po , the drug- addicted red one was so high all she could do was shriek like a angry mouse and ride around uncontrollably veering her scooter at petrified rabbits , who had the mis-fortune of living on the hill. Tinky- winky the transexual , handbag carrying, pervert-sounding , purple one. Carried around his handbag still trying to work out what sex he really was. La - La, the irritatingly happy yellow one ran arround shrieking la la , and just generally pissing the others off. That unfortunately for her and fortunately for the viewer she eventually managed to squash herself with her own ball.

Meanwhile a deranged, psychotic reject from Dyson vaccuums, that had been donated for the programme, veered around sucking at things, and not in a good way.

When the children tune into watch the programme they are therefore confronted with a drug-addict, a drunk, a transexual with a handbag, a deranged hoover and a squashed yellow blob.