"If we are all done bonding over shared exasperation with me…there's work to be done."
"YOU'RE THE POLTERGEISTS!?" Miles screeched in disbelief, gaping at his guardians and mother.
"Plus Judy and occasionally Sunstreaker, yes," Fixit replied easily, sneakily snapping photos of her son's face. He was too stunned to notice.
(Barricade and Fritz had a hard time hiding their laughter at that.)
"Now let's see…ooo! I know! How do you feel about "Falcon" as your Poltergeist codename? You could be Millennium 'Falcon' Callahan!"
"You're a total nerd," he said dryly, shaking his head. He still looked more than a little stunned by the revelation that he and Sam's pranking idols were their moms.
"And proud of it!" she replied happily, totally unashamed.
The Jazzes shared an amused glance as the Eradicon pondered, absentmindedly leaning against her creeper as he worked on a virus for the prank.
"Ah-ha! You-" she motioned to BV Jazz. "-will be known as Butter, and you-" she indicated PV Jazz. "-will be known as Peanut! When you're together, you shall be referred to as PBJ!"
They stared at her.
"Where t' frag did yah ge' 'Buttah' an' 'Peanu' from?" PV Jazz asked curiously.
Fixit stalled. "Uhhh…"
"…private joke?" she offered weakly.
"…Ah dunno how yah mind works, an' Ah'm no' sure Ah wanna," BV Jazz stated, shaking his helm in exasperated amusement.
"Ah second tha'!"
Fixit stuck out her glossa at them.
"Laze, you're Laze. Toaster, you're Toaster."
"Hey, why fuck with what works?"
"Your codename's Lackey."
"Of course it is…"
"Wha's his name?" BV Jazz asked curiously, nodding (with a slight glare) towards the host mecha wrapped around the Eradicon.
"What? Oh, his codename's Creeper. Obviously."
"Ah kinda guessed tha'. Nah, Ah was askin' wha' his actual designation was."
"…this is my universe's Soundwave?"
"He's completely different from the bastard that was his counterpart here!"
"YOU'RE BONDED TO SOUNDWAVE!?"
"YES, I AM BONDED TO SOUNDWAVE AND I AM HAPPIER WITH HIM THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN BEFORE, SO YOU CAN JUST FRAG OFF!"
"Jazz. He's completely different from your Soundwave, and I love him, and he loves me. We're happy together."
"…mah helm hur's…" the silver saboteur admitted, shakily sinking down onto a chair as he tried desperately not to crash.
Fixit rubbed her helm sheepishly. "That's…understandable. Sorry."
He waved her off. "No' yah faul'…"
"Judy? What's wrong?"
"Set-up's fine…but Sammy's in denial."
"…I'm gonna need to come down there, aren't I?"
"Okay, I'll be there in two days. Distract Bumblebee and Mikaela for me, please?"
"Got it. Oh, and sweetheart?"
"Prepare for much spazzing."
"…oh joy. Oh rapture. My spark is overflowing with ecstasy."
"Better you than me!"
"What? You always were better at dealing with his spaz attacks…"
"…let me guess. You were the one inducing them most of the time, weren't you?"
"Right, so, thanks for the heads-upI'llseeyoulater'kaybye!"
"…frag, she hung up already."
"…tha's a lo' o' pumpkins…"
Fixit snickered. "Well, they are one of our signature pranks…"
"I hate snow," Steve muttered irritably to himself.
"Yet another thing we have in common," Barricade retorted dryly, even as he kicked the last catapult into place.
Ravage, Lazerbeak, Fritz, and Miles cackled quietly together as they snuck out of the last mall in North America. This was so much fun!
"Hey Prowler, whassup?" BV Jazz said over his comm cheerfully, ignoring the cussing and explosions in the background as Steve and Barricade- dubbed Team Smart-Aft by Fixit- went up against the quartet of shorties- dubbed Team Whiplash. (It was a long story. One none of them had any intention of reliving. Also, the shorties were now forbidden from going anywhere near sugar until after Hallowe'en had passed.)
"Jazz? What is your status? Why have you not been responding to comms?"
"…what do you mean, 'oops?'"
Jazz cringed at the icily furious tone the SIC used. "Ah…migh' have gotten distracted an' forgotten t' check mah comms until jus' now?"
"…everythin's fine, bu' Ah'm no' done helpin' Judy's friend ye', so Ah'm callin' in fo' some leave Ah'll be back in Novembe' seeyahthen'kaythanksProwlerbye!"
The fighters had stopped to stare at the cringing silver saboteur, whose counterpart was looking more and more amused.
"…you've been spending too much time with Mom," Miles said in amusement, adjusting his paintball grenade launcher.
"…maybeh," BV Jazz admitted sheepishly.
The Jazzes traded glances…and suddenly grinned in unison, whipping out their own customized paint weapons.
"Ge' 'em!" PV Jazz cried as PBJ unleashed multicolored sparkly hell upon the other two teams. Teams Smart-Aft and Whiplash yelped in surprise, diving for cover.
In the other room, Fixit rolled her optics fondly as she listened to the chaos through the partially-open door, finishing up the last of the new Zombie Bunnies with her bonded's help at the same time. "Idiots."
Probably why you're so fond of them. Like calls to like, after all, Soundwave sent over their bond as he subspaced the last Z-Bunny.
"Oi!" she protested. "Then what does that make you?!"
"What…oh. That's a reference to the Disco Ball Incident, isn't it?" she accused, sliding off her stool to stand in front of him and poking him in the chest with her finger.
You did irreparably damage the optics of half of the Nemesis' crew…Knock Out had to replace them entirely, remember? he replied, capturing her servo with his own.
"Well how was I supposed to know Creamer had ordered all those flare guns!? And what did he want them for, anyways?" She tried to reclaim her servo.
Frag if I know. He was about to explain his 'masterful' plot to me when the Roombas blew the boxes up. Soundwave skillfully thwarted her attempt by wrapping his other arm around her waist, tugging her between his legs as he remained on his high stool.
"…so the Roombas saved you from Creamer?" She huffed, squirming a bit longer before giving in and leaning against his torso.
…only to succeed in crippling most of the Nemesis. He rested his helm against hers smugly.
"…true. They really can't do anything right en-mass, can they?" She scowled at him, smacking his chestplates with her free servo.
Bar blowing slag up? No. I still don't quite know how we managed before you took over Herding Duty. He rumbled softly in amusement, nuzzling her helm gently.
"…and I have no idea how I managed Herding Duty without offlining." She shivered slightly as the vibrations transferred to her frame, face flushing slightly as he continued nuzzling her.
42. He released her captured servo in order to reach around and stroke her wing.
"What?" She twitched slightly, desperately trying to ignore his actions even as they made her shudder in pleasure.
Isn't that your answer for life, the universe, and everything? His tentacles came out, one wrapping around her waist and wings as the other reached up to remove his visor.
"No, it's the Hitchhiker's Guide-" She vented sharply as his other tentacle joined the first, once his screen had been set down on the table behind the host mecha.
No, it's your answer. He started nipping light kisses along the bottom of her helm.
Fixit stuck out her glossa at her bonded in lieu of a verbal response. That was a bad idea, as he promptly captured it with his lips.
She mumbled a weak protest into his insistent mouth- the others were in the next room! They could walk in at any time!
One of Soundwave's tentacles detached itself from her wings- earning him a soft, involuntary whine- and snaked over to fully close and lock the door, making the soundproofing kick in.
Any more objections? he purred over the bond in the sudden silence.
…just shut up and kiss me, bastard, she pouted, sliding her arms around his frame as her cooling fans finally kicked in.
He all-too-happily complied.
Soundwave growled as his bonded tried to untangle herself from him.
"Wave, I need to go talk to Sammy," she explained tiredly, sluggishly closing her chestplates. "You know I'd stay if I could."
He rolled them, crushing her into the floor with his weight as he bit her neck.
Team Smart-Aft, who had successfully claimed the room as their own, glanced up as the door to the Z-Bunny room slid open. A scuffed and dazed Fixit staggered in, followed closely by Soundwave, who was all but radiating smugness.
Barricade and Steve stared…
…and then groaned in unison, slamming their helms against the wall repeatedly. They did not need to see that! The trauma! Their poor, innocent, forever-scarred optics!
The Eradicon just rolled her optics. "Suck it up, wimps."
Fixit roared through the air, spinning idly in loop-de-loops around Soundwave as the UAV ignored his bonded's antics, flying steadily onwards towards their destination.
Miles and Fritz cackled maniacally as they organized the paint weapons, choosing who would get what.
(Ravage and Lazerbeak lavished worshiping attention on the massive custom-made paintball armory in the background. Extra-special attention was paid to the missile launchers.)
Barricade and Steve shared identical anticipatory grins as they finished setting up the European fluff cannons. This was going to be awesome.
The Jazzes had a hard time suppressing their laughter as they set up the last of the water main taps in South America. Fixit was a fraggin' genius.
Now, on to the rest of the world!
Judy whistled merrily as she tossed the last letter in the post box before heading back to Bumblebee and Mikaela to continue catching up.
Honestly, how did Fixit keep coming up with such brilliant new ideas year after year?
"Why the frag did Mom tell me to meet her way out here?" Sam grumbled as he leaned his bike against the fence of one of the more remote warehouses that belonged to…well, Miles now, since Fixit was gone.
"Because you're being a stubborn, blind aft." Fixit stuck her helm out of the doors to stare at her frozen godson.
The Eradicon vented heavily, walking over to pick the man up as Soundwave poked his helm out of the warehouse behind her. "Great…it's gonna take forever to get him to stop spazzing, I just know it…"
Judy waved to Mikaela and Bumblebee as they drove away from her hotel. The woman turned to go back to her room, planning to call Fixit and check if she'd made any progress with Sammy…and then a flash of gold in the corner of her eye caught her attention.
Two Lamborghini Gallardos, one brilliant gold and the other bright cherry red, were calmly cruising down the road towards her.
Judy sucked in a sharp breath, a wild grin spreading across her face as she got an idea.
Sunstreaker grumbled to himself as he and Sideswipe (newly repainted bright red, in memory of Fixit- the femme had constantly been repainting Sides red via pranks, for whatever reason) slowly made their ways back towards base. He hated going on patrol! There was dust everywhere, and the squishies always wanted to touch him and smear their nasty oils all over his gorgeous paint, and-
"GG! Get over here!"
He jumped as Baseball Bat's voice came over the Poltergeists' special line.
"BB?" he asked in confusion, ignoring his brother's own bewilderment and curiosity. "Where are you?"
"The hotel on your right." He turned his attention to the indicated area, and sure enough, there was BB, waving her tiny arms at him. "Now get over here and help me with Fixit's final prank!"
"You're dead you're dead you're dead you're dead oh sweet Primus you're a zombie the zombie apocalypse is starting what do I do I need to tell the Terrible trio we have to do something-!"
"SAMUEL JAMES WITWICKY! SHUT UP AND STOP SPAZZING! I AM NOT DEAD OR A ZOMBIE!
Sunstreaker's hologram- a gorgeous thirty-something blond man wearing black jeans, a golden shirt, and a black-and-gold hoodie- stared hard at the grinning female human sitting in his real form's passenger seat.
"And happily planning havoc," Judy confirmed cheerfully.
"That's impossible! Her body was disintegrated!" Sideswipe protested over the comm.
"And I already told you, Primus saved her just in time. Now, do you wanna help her with her final goodbyes or not?"
A large slag-eating grin slowly spread across Sun's face. "Frag yes."
Fixit vented heavily, dropping her helm back to stare at the sky.
Sam just continued to cling to her neck, sobbing his heart out.
Barricade glanced up from the glitter bomb he was working on as two Lamborghinis drove into the warehouse.
"I have brought extra minions!" Judy proclaimed proudly as she stepped away from Sunstreaker so he could transform.
"…GG I can understand, but why'd you bring Sideswipe?" the police cruiser asked slowly.
"Hey! I wanna have fun, too!" Sides protested.
Sun scowled, crossing his arms over his gleaming chest. "I'm not doing anything without him. Besides, it's Mastermind's last prank on this world: she needs all the help she can get, considering how elaborate her plans probably are."
Cade considered this for a moment. "…true. Guess that means you need to meet the newcomers, then."
Sunstreaker arched his brow. "You mean the poor suckers from MM's universe?"
"Oi!" Steve called from the back as he walked in, carrying a precarious stack of large crates. "We resemble that remark!"
Team Whiplash- in full-on ninja attire- snuck around the last Australian mall on their list, finishing up the traps. Africa and Europe had already been gotten, which meant there was just Asia left to do and then they were done! Booyah!
"So we'll finish up the fluff cannons and the Z-Bunnies…"
"And Steve and I will plant all the glitter bombs," Barricade nodded affirmatively.
"This is going to be so much fun!" Sideswipe bounced on his pedes gleefully.
"Wait wait wait wait wait!" Judy threw her arms up, pausing the Twins and Team Smart-Aft in their tracks.
"What, BB?" Sun frowned.
"Before he can officially do anything…Sideswipe needs his Poltergeist codename."
"Sides needs a codename, huh…?" Fixit drummed her fingers on her arms thoughtfully as she stared off into space. Soundwave was off being a sneaky creeper elsewhere, leaving the Eradicon and her godson alone. For now.
"Please be something stupid, please be something stupid…"
"What's that supposed to mean!?"
"Ignore Steve, he's just being a whiny bastard…"
"You wanna go, Mama Bear?!"
"Bring it, Lackey."
Sam, who was perched on his guardian devil's shoulder, shook his head in amusement at the sounds of Sideswipe, Barricade, and someone codenamed Lackey bickering in the background of the call.
"Got it!" Fixit cried triumphantly, wings flicking up in victory. "Sideswipe is now the Crimson Terror!"
"…I like it!" Crimson Terror crowed in the background.
"Why the frag does he get a cool name and we're stuck with Lackey and Mama Bear!?" Steve and Barricade wailed/snarled, respectively.
"Because teasing you is infinitely more fun. Hey, Judy?" she went on immediately, ignoring the creative cursing and death threats in the background.
"What Team are you primarily going to work with?"
"…mmm…I wanna work with the Twins, but…I think I'll probably just get in their way. I'll go with Team Smart-Aft."
"Yep. So, what were you gonna call us if I had joined the Twins?"
"Yep. CT's ketchup, GG's mustard, and you would've been honey."
"Ketchup!?" Sides yelped in outrage as Barricade, Steve, Judy, and Sam all burst out laughing.
"MUSTARD!?" Sunstreaker roared in outrage, nearly drowning out the hysterical laughter.
"But since you're not with them, I'm gonna call them Team Breakfast instead!"
"What do you mean, 'Breakfast!?'" the Twins yelled over the line.
"Well, you're Sunny, and Sides, and together you're SunnySidesUp! Like the eggs!"
Team Smart-Aft, plus Sam, were in very real danger of hurting themselves from laughing too hard. Fixit just hummed cheerfully to herself as she hung up to their laughter and the incandescently furious raging of the Twins.
BV Jazz- aka 'Butter'- grinned as he and his counterpart finished up the timed traps on the water mains.
"So, have yah evah pranked an entire plane', before?" PV Jazz- or 'Peanut'- inquired as they hid their work before heading back to base.
"Nope. Bu' this is gonna be awesome," he replied, happy to be heading back so he could check up on Fixit- sorry, Mastermind. MM had been very clear that only codenames were to be used when on or discussing official Poltergeist business.
"I's definitely gonna make a brillian' story. Ah'll neva have t' buy mah own drinks again!"
"These things are so creepy," Golden Ghost muttered as he and his twin finished unloading the last of the Z-Bunnies and the fluff cannon ammo.
"Creepy and cute at the same time," Crimson Terror replied, holding one up to his optic to inspect it. Suddenly, it opened its mouth wide and tried to take a bite out of his nasal ridge with its tiny sharp teeth, making him scream like a little girl. He flung it across the room as he jumped back to the sound of GG's mad laughter.
And then CT noticed the remote control in his golden twin's servo.
GG just laughed and laughed as his twin cussed him out viciously, somehow managing to dodge all the red mech's blows even as he nearly doubled over in hysterics.
"…do you know why MM's so obsessed with glitter and neon?"
"...no. And I don't want to know."
"…good enough for me. Let's finish setting these up and get out of here."
Team Whiplash, Team PBJ, and Soundwave all returned to home base within minutes of each other…and they all went straight for Fixit, each glomping her in turn.
"Right, let's go over everything! Fluff cannons?"
"Check." Sideswipe gave her a thumbs-up from where he was sitting next to his twin.
"Check!" Judy replied cheerfully, munching on chips with the other two humans.
"Check," Barricade muttered, looking utterly bored with his helm propped up on one servo.
"Check." Steve looked like he was one breem away from falling into recharge on Cade's shoulder.
"Check!" PBJ replied in unison, identical anticipatory grins on their faceplates.
"Check!" Miles and Fritz cackled happily. Ravage and Laserbeak just snickered.
"Fireworks and Virus?"
"Check," Soundwave played back in Steve's voice.
"I've got my special bubblewrap and the rainbow silly string, which means I'm good to go…"
"Wha' are yah doin' wi' tha'?" PV Jazz asked curiously.
"Oh, you know…spacey things…"
Judy snickered. She appeared to be the only one who got what Fixit was implying.
"You'll find out. And finally…paint weapons?"
"Check," they all grinned in unison, hefting their individual weapons.
"Right then. Ladies and gentlemen…let the games begin."
Hallowe'en dawned…and the entire world held its breath. Would the Poltergeists strike, even after the Battle of Chicago?
Yes. Yes they would.
In unison, Team PBJ, Lackey, Baseball Bat, Team Breakfast, and Laze hit their giant red buttons.
Paint-filled pumpkins rained down on every city the world over with a population of over 25,000.
...plus McMurdo Base down in Antarctica.
Mail workers everywhere started coughing and sneezing as the trapped letters self-destructed, letting loose the gold glitter, itching, and sneezing powder onto the rest of the mail.
Grape-flavored laxatives were dumped into the water mains, along with tiny, custom-made, edible silver glitter. Alas, many would not notice this prank until it was far too late.
Rainbow feathers, fuzzy cotton balls, origami cranes, and little fluffy stuffed pink glittery sheep were launched hundreds of meters into the air as they erupted either from underground or manholes, in large enough cities.
(The Poltergeists had been working on getting this prank set up for almost five years, which meant they had at least one in every town or city. Much to the world's dismay.)
Malls across the world suddenly vomited colorfully-stained slime out of every vent and onto the passing shoppers. Massive amounts of merchandise were ruined.
(Although pack mules- sorry, significant others- everywhere were happy to escape their partner's shopping spree.)
Seemingly empty and abandoned cardboard boxes around the world fell over…and out marched the legions of Zombie Bunnies, each with a different color solar panel bowtie. They hopped around in squeaky glee, covering the streets in a sea of white, faux-bloody fuzzy forms.
Fixit grinned mentally as she charted the progress of their Z-Bunny minions from the upper atmosphere, even as she prepped her bubblewrap and modified silly string.
:You have a go, Toaster. Repeat, Unleash the Virus is a go. Let's do this thing.:
And with that, she jetted off…in the direction of the defenseless International Space Station.
Ravage snickered menacingly as he literally pounced on the three-meter wide blood red button, unleashing Soundwave's masterfully crafted virus.
Screens all over the world were hijacked as a rousing, overly-dramatic music video featuring Zombie Bunnies dancing under the flag of whatever country the screen was in began playing. Confetti rained down from the psychedelic sky as the Bunnies (each wearing a different pair of funky sunglasses) cavorted about gleefully, pulling off increasingly more elaborate dance moves to the remix of 'God Bless My Underwear.'
Two minutes into the video, the Z-Bunnies in the real world suddenly lined up…and began doing the Can-Can to the beat. It contrasted oddly with the other Bunnies dancing in the video, but didn't actually look that bad.
(And whilst everyone was distracted by the dancing Bunnies, the rest of the Virus snuck in. Everything would now be displayed backwards, upside-down, and in shades of yellow and pink, with Z-Bunnies randomly popping up to dance and sing 'God Bless My Underwear' in the user's native language for a month. Also, all the computer's calculations would be made in Base Six for nearly six months, unless manually fixed.)
Utilizing the temporary Groundbridge Soundwave and Fixit had made, the Poltergeists all moved through to the surface of the Moon. (Their human members were protected by Fixit-made spacesuits.) Sharing gleefully evil grins amongst themselves, they hefted their paint weapons and got to work. They only had so long before someone on Earth tore themselves away from the distractions to look up, after all.
Fixit cackled evilly, fleeing from the bubblewrapped and silly stringed ISS before the astronauts could see her.
And as she fled…having received her minions' message that they finished the moon mural and were back on Earth…she set off the fireworks.
Traditional Hallowe'en imagery danced across the skies below her, along with the occasional ghost avatar of two or more of the Poltergeists.
Setting off the fireworks was tradition…but its true purpose this year was to call attention to the moon.
It was a pity she, Steve, Jazz, Soundwave, Laze, and Ravage couldn't stick around longer to see the reactions. Still, at least they could see the immediate 6 hours after, before they left.
(Everyone had said their goodbyes already- no one wanted to taint the good hype of a successful prank with the pain of having to say farewell.)
Skyfire cursed softly as he tripped over yet another unnaturally strong clingwrap stretched randomly across the hall. He winced, waiting…and then vented in relief. Thank Primus, it wasn't one of the ones that dumped paint and/or sparkles on its victim. Everyone on the NEST base had gotten hit at least once by now. Even Prowl!
But this prank…no one guessed that the Poltergeists would be willing to strike with their leader gone. However, Ratchet thought that maybe they were doing this as one last hurrah, to honor Fixit's memory.
(Everyone was kind of ignoring Prowl, though. The mech had clearly gone insane- he kept insisting that Fixit was alive, that this was her work and hers alone. Skyfire was…rather uncomfortable about disagreeing with the Praxian, though. Hence, why he was currently attempting to flee outside.)
The shuttle finally stumbled out of the base. He vented, long and slowly, before raising his helm to look up at the sky and the slowly fading fireworks-
Skyfire choked in horror as the cloud drifted out of the way, giving him a clear and unobstructed view of the mural on the moon.
The moon shone colorfully down on the stupefied people of Earth, displaying the Poltergeists' masterpiece:
Rainbow Zombie Bunnies, wearing absolutely horrid eye-sores of underwear, surrounded an outline of a golden trophy on a shiny pink pedestal, either kowtowing to it or dancing ritualistically around it. Fireworks, like the ones in Earth's skies, decorated the background. And at the very front, lounging in the ice blue throne of skulls in front of the pedestal, was Mastermind's white winged, blue-crowned avatar, grinning her trademark grin.
But what truly shocked the world- what would truly change it, for better or for worse- were the words inscribed on the trophy:
Fifteen years without being caught. Fifteen years of pranks.
But sadly, all good things must come to an end.
And so, I leave this message to the pranksters of the world:
Keep our legacy alive. Prank the world.
Become greater than us.
Signing off for the last time,
Leader and Founder of the Poltergeists
GOD BLESS OUR UNDERWEAR
A/N: And it is done!
Done is done, which means I will not show the aftermath. You'll just have to imagine it.
But still…IT IS DONE!
Update: I was recently rebitten by the plot Z-Bunny. (Ow.) It is forcing me at paintgun point to make yet another Fixit story. Summary will be up on my profile.