Still Loved

I know she doesn't love me. I'm sure of it now. Last night I saw her crying, and it's obvious why. I can't do this anymore. This is my fault. I've let them both go on like there was absolutely nothing between them, and we all know there is. So it's over.

*****

He ended it today. He told me he knew I was in love with Harry, and that I should take a chance on it. That I deserve better than this relationship. I tried to tell him not to do it, that it was pointless. But he wouldn't listen. And now it seems I've lost him. I can imagine what will happen next. Harry will find out. He'll demand reasons. Who knows whose side he'll take. We obviously can't tell him the real reason, that Ron thinks I feel a certain way about him, and that he's right.

Will I lose Ron over this? I couldn't bear it, if I lost Ron as a friend. I can hardly talk to Harry anymore. It kills me. I can't believe he doesn't see it.

*****

He left her. I tried to ask him why, but he refused to tell me. Damnit, if he broke her heart, I will…I don't know what I'll do, but I'm sure he won't appreciate it.

And yet, I'm happy about it. I could kill myself for it, but part of me is glad. I can't help but find a twisted sense of relief in knowing that tomorrow when I go down to the common room, his arm won't be around her, and later that night, he won't be kissing her when she goes up to bed. For now, at least in my imagination, those lips can be mine, and mine alone.

*****

Ron had the nerve to speak to me today, and I'm glad he did.

He told me his reasons for leaving her. He said he can tell how I feel about her. I was too tired to deny it. And then, he claimed that she feels the same way.

I was left staring at him. He demanded that I tell her how I feel, that I take the risk. I believe him, that he thinks this is true, but what if he's wrong? What if he's misreading whatever it is he sees? How can he possibly know, when he says she denies it?

Then again, I deny it.

*****

It happened again yesterday. It seems funny that something like this should happen twice to a person in one year, but it did.

We were late to class. Ron had disappeared after breakfast, and Peeves had held us up on the second floor. As we were rushing up to the third, I lost my balance on the stairs, and fell. And he caught me. It would have been an amusing sight, had anyone been around to see it. I was falling forward, and he caught me around the waist. I can only imagine what we looked like; I'm glad we were running late.

I finally regained my footing, and turned around to thank him, only to find his lips waiting for me.

To use a grand cliché, it was like magic. But honestly, that's quite like what requited love feels like. It's that rush of adrenaline, excitement, happiness you get when you hold your wand for the first time, and every time you do a spell after that. And kissing Harry was like performing a powerful spell for the first time, feeling the energy go through you, about to take you over completely. It truly is just like magic.

*****

I kissed her today. And it was like…like flying.

When you first get on a broomstick and take off, it's an amazing feeling. It's sudden weightlessness, and hope, knowing you can do what you thought was impossible. And it's also joy. It's simply the wind, a place where no one can intrude. It's sacred.

And her kisses are the same way. They produce the same feelings. They leave me in ecstasy.

And just like flying, she is sacred.