Alrighty, first the standard DISCLAIMER: I dun own it. Also, the cake is a lie.
You may have noticed that I updated fairly fast when I said that I probably wouldn't. That's because I thought I was going to spend some time working out a plotline for a change, but I was wrong...apparently I can't bring myself to plan these things ahead to save my life :P. I've also been on vacation for the past ten days and I got bored, so I started writing.
Hopefully it turns out decent xD.
Also, I will be making some fairly big and some rather more minor changes to the Stargate continuity, as certain things about the series never did make much sense, especially once you try to write about them. Additionally, I will also be making a lot of stuff up as I go whenever I need some detail that the TV show never provided.
IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you have by some bizzare miracle stumbled on this story first, then you should note that this is actually the fourth in a series and will make incredibly little sense if you haven't read the first three.
Around a very average main sequence yellow star named Agrak orbited a planetary system composed of three planets, four gas giants, their various moons and two asteroid belts of considerable size.
This planetary system was located about 30,000 light years away from Earth to the Galactic East-northeast, a considerable distance outward along the Sagittarius Arm of the Galaxy.
The first two planets were host to extremely hostile conditions that didn't support life, but the third was quite beautiful, a blue-green gem obscured in places by white clouds and orbited by two moons. This planet was known as Erius to those who called it home.
Currently that included the former Goa'uld System Lord Zeus and his Queen Hera. At least, Zeus liked to consider himself a deposed System Lord, even though his rebellion against his former overlord and father Cronus had only been successful for a mere handful of years before Cronus had taken the title away from him again.
Being a Goa'uld, Zeus looked more or less identical to every other member of his serpentine species, at least as far as non-Goa'uld were concerned, but that was unimportant since the Goa'uld were a parasitic species that favored humans hosts.
The unfortunate man that Zeus had taken as a host was handsome, tall and fit despite being somewhere in his mid to late fifties. His short hair was snow white, as was his immaculately kept beard. He was dressed in a toga style outfit that clearly had Greek origins, but had been through considerable modifications.
Zeus was convinced that his fall from grace was due to the Supreme System Lord Ra imposing a tithe of naquadah, Jaffa and human slaves on the System Lords after returning from the far side of his domain one day in an incredibly foul mood. In reality, it was mostly to due with the fact that the shaky alliance which he had cobbled together with his siblings Hades and Poseidon, along with his children, had degenerated into bickering and infighting over who got which pieces of Cronus' domain.
Cronus, though weakened by the uprising of the children he'd spawned with his own Queen, was not so daft as to miss an opportunity to regain his station and had swiftly capitalized on their greed. The following battles saw all of the Goa'uld who had taken on the roles of the ancient Greek pantheon of gods decimated, with the sole exception of Zeus and Hera, who had managed to escape at the expense of their entire fleet and Ares, who had seen which way the wind was blowing and turned traitor. The last bit of intelligence Zeus had managed to gather about his treacherous offspring informed him that Ares had been shifted off to some forsaken backwater, both as punishment for his original betrayal of Cronus and to keep him well away from a position that would allow him to repeat his treachery.
That had all been long ago however. Currently, Zeus was once again recovering from a crushing defeat at the hands of his father. He had spent centuries building up a new power base in secrecy so that he could once more overthrow Cronus and regain his very briefly held title. When the attack had finally been launched, things seemed to go well for a while, but then things had gone horribly wrong once again.
Ba'al, up to then an underling of Ra, had smelled an opportunity to elevate himself to a station greater than a mere lieutenant and taken it, jumping hosts and replacing Zeus' chief Fleet Lord. An act that had only been possible due to Sokar causing an uproar by managing to successfully depose Ra as Supreme System Lord at approximately the same time.
In the following chaos, Ba'al had usurped most of Zeus' fleet and allied himself with Ra in an effort to oust Sokar and Zeus once more lost everything when Cronus mopped up the rest and banished Sokar. He had only survived because he'd cut his losses and fled once again...and because he kept the existence of Erius a closely guarded secret, nobody even knew the stargate address of the planet as he had only brought one of the devices to it about a hundred years ago.
While Zeus agreed with Ba'al's choice of allying with Ra to get rid of Sokar, because Sokar was a sadistic lunatic, he still hated the opportunistic bastard for usurping his fleets in order to do it! Ba'al was now a System Lord in his own right, acknowledged as such by Ra himself as reward for his ingenuity, 'loyalty' and aid in banishing Sokar, while Zeus had to hide on this backwater planet and lick his wounds.
Erius was only valuable as a bolthole to do exactly that, since it was so far out of the way from Goa'uld space that he'd never seen any point in converting it into an industrial center where ships could be built. It would take far too long for ships to reach Goa'uld space for there to be any point in doing so. Even though the Goa'uld have had hyperdrive technology for millenia, interstellar travel was still far too slow to cross such vast distances in any kind of sensible timeframe. Not that he had much of a choice in the matter anymore.
The closest Goa'uld domain to his current location belonged to Ra, but it was still so far away that Zeus was confident about remaining hidden. Besides, it was the far side of Ra's domain, where none but the Supreme System Lord himself had set foot in thousands of years.
Some Goa'uld had probably seeded the humans here thousands of years ago and either been killed since then or abandoned them when it was discovered that the planet's naquadah supplies were much smaller than expected. Unsurprising really, the majority of Goa'uld territory was clustered around the Galactic Core(with the System Lords naturally keeping a firm grip on the best worlds) exactly because it had a higher number of naquadah rich worlds for some reason. It wasn't impossible to find a naquadah rich world elsewhere, but it was much less likely. Then there was also the fact that Ra laid claim to nearly a full third of the best planets for himself, with his territory extending to cover large swaths of space to the Galactic East and South as well.
Those areas were strictly off limits for all Goa'uld except Ra and everyone had a good idea why that was. Though the exact location and stargate symbols for the planet were long forgotten by most Goa'uld, they all knew that Tau'ri, the first world, had to be there somewhere. Zeus had been there himself for a few hundred years before he'd struck out on his own and could certainly understand why Ra now jealously kept that world for himself alone. Though completely barren of naquadah, it had a vast population of humans living on it due to it being their homeworld, giving Ra access to a massive slave workforce that no other Goa'uld could match. Additionally, Ra was also a great oddity among his race in the fact that he used human warriors along the Jaffa, though this might simply be because he had so many of them available.
Zeus had entertained the idea of using Erius as a secret outpost from which to launch raids into Ra's territory in order to speed up his recovery from the recent defeat, but dismissed it soon after. He had only one Ha'tak mothership, a few Al'kesh bombers and a few dozen Udajeet fighter craft, while Ra had vast fleets of ships. Added onto that, Ra also had a considerable technological advantage over the other Goa'uld and was acknowledged to be the most cunning of them as well as being highly vindictive when someone challenged him. He simply could not afford to make such a move, not when Ra was both more powerful and more intelligent than Cronus.
Besides, it wasn't as if he could afford to leave Erius unattended at this point. He had only a few hundred Jaffa to his name and if it wasn't for the threat of his ships, the natives would have long since overwhelmed them with sheer numbers, even if they had to do it with improvised wooden clubs.
It had only been slightly over two hundred years since since he had taken over Erius after it had been forgotten for centuries and enslaved the humans living on it, which naturally meant that there were still resentful and potentially dangerous pockets of resistance hidden among them. It was to be expected of course, since he had immediately begun forcing them to mine the planet's meager supplies of naquadah for his own use and banned writing of any sort to keep them from getting ideas. They had tried to fight him, unwilling as they were to bow to their new god and many had been killed as examples so that the others would know their place. This had led to a drop in their population, which was probably necessary at the moment. He didn't want them getting ideas about staging another uprising after all, but it did slow down the mining operations. At the current rate, it would be centuries before he could challenge one of the other System Lords for their position again.
Sitting alone in the throne room, Zeus let out a sigh that he couldn't afford to make in front of other people if he wanted to keep up his god persona, and wondered why was it that all his plans got ruined by bad luck and poor timing.
At least none of the others knew about Erius, so he would be safe from attack and could rebuild without having to fend off the greedy paws of both lesser and great Goa'uld. Maybe he should stop worrying about this and have his First Prime bring one of the human females to him? That was definitely one of the things he enjoyed most about having a human host and it was always good for stress relief. He was in fact thinking of having a few of the prettier women trained as pleasure slaves...it would certainly make his temporary exile more bearable.
Directly contrary to the thoughts of Zeus, it was the very isolation that Erius enjoyed which drew the attention of two people far more dangerous than his fellow Goa'uld.
Naruto and Xanna appeared on the planet with the barest distortion of air and took a moment to assess the planet that they would be calling home for a long time to come.
"I hadn't expected it to feel so much like Earth." Naruto commented.
"It is not so surprising, many of the plants and animals clearly originated from there, though there are also a good number that are native." Xanna answered. "But that isn't important right now. First, let us take the planet away from these parasites that consider themselves gods."
"That really bugs you doesn't it?" He snickered as they started walking towards the obviously newly built palace where Zeus and Hera spent most of their time.
Xanna did not consider the question to be worth answering.
On the way there, they passed the small city where the humans of the world lived. Though calling it a city was being overly generous. The core of it was made up of sturdy stone buildings that had vaguely Ancient Greek origins, while the outskirts were a great deal more ramshackle and haphazard. Clearly, Zeus had attacked any other population centers and forced all of the humans to live in one place where he could more easily keep them under control, disregarding any logistic considerations in the process. More than likely, famine and disease had killed more of them than weapons fire.
He and Xanna had only made a cursory investigation into these Goa'uld before deciding to take this world for themselves, but it was enough to give him the impression that the serpentine species was made up entirely of dumbasses. Morality aside, they seemed hellbent on using the most inefficient possible means of achieving their goals in favor of pandering to their egos.
The palace that they were now approaching was a good example of this. Big, luxurious and imposing as it sat on a hill overlooking the city of enslaved humans.
It was also a completely idiotic waste of resources for someone who was only using the planet as a temporary shelter while he prepared to attack his own kind again, not that he would ever get to do that.
Long before they reached the actual entrance to the palace, they were waylaid by a group of alarmed looking Jaffa who shouted something at them in Goa'uld. Neither Naruto or Xanna understood the words as they had not bothered learning the language yet, but they got the general idea that he was ordering them to stop.
Naruto took hold of his wife's hand to soothe her knee jerk anger at being told what to do, something that had always been an issue for her. She calmed down easily enough, being well aware that the Jaffa guard in front of them were not the right people to be angry at.
Seeing that the dangerous looking horned duo had absolutely no intention of stopping their leasurely advance towards their god, the Jaffa opened fire with their staff weapons, only to gape in shock as the orange bolts that they had seen take many lives before were contenptously slapped away as though they were no more dangerous than an insect. In that moment, they understood that their lord Zeus was being challenged by these two horned gods, who had come personally instead of sending armies to attack the weakened Thunder God.
They shared confused looks when they were spared instead of slain as they had expected to be. Coming across a single god, much less two, without a even a single guard or attendant was unheard of as it was, but to be spared after attacking them? That was something that the Jaffa simply couldn't wrap their heads around and so they continued to merely stare confusedly at the retreating backs of the two tall gods.
"They sure give up easily." Naruto commented as they passed yet another group of bamboozled Jaffa after easily deflecting the fire from their plasma weapons.
Naruto had some thoughts on those staff weapons of theirs and most of them were not very charitable. They were cumbersome, innacurate, clumsy and every conceivable other negative description for a projectile weapon that he could think of on short notice. The only good thing that he could say about them was that they could be used as a staff in melee combat and that they made cool explosions when they hit something.
"These Goa'uld have gone to great lengths to solidify the notion that they are gods in the minds of their soldiers. Naturally it follows that a Jaffa has no hope of fighting a god so they shouldn't even try or else face execution for their 'insolence', but that sword cuts both ways." Xanna replied.
"I've suddenly developed the suspicion that seeing two Goa'uld on the same battlefield is something that just doesn't happen." He said thoughtfully after taking a moment to think her words over.
Xanna snorted derisively at that. "You say that as if you are likely so see even one of them on a battlefield."
Zeus was jolted out of his thoughts when his newly promoted First Prime ran into the room, a look of urgency on his face.
"My lord, two unknown gods are approaching. My warriors have attempted to stop them, but are unable to challenge their power." The man said.
"WHAT?!" Zeus demanded loudly in shock, surging to his feet to glare at the kneeling Jaffa. "What markings are on the heads of their warriors?"
"They come alone my lord and refuse to speak to us."
Zeus was taken aback in sheer surprise, an event like this being completely unheard of. It was an unwritten and unspoke rule among their kind that they avoided face to face meetings as much as possible, especially during battle. Their assertions of godhood meant that any such meeting would inevitably need to be resolved with one on one combat, with the winner taking everything. While such a thing would be a great boon for any Goa'uld, it was also far too risky to attempt. Not to mention that no Goa'uld could be trusted to be fair.
Which made him wonder which of his fellows would be so brazen as to walk into the territory of another Goa'uld without any Jaffa to back them up. He could not think of any major or minor Goa'uld that would dare attempt such a thing, no matter how weakened he was right now.
"Describe them to me."
The description of a tall man and woman with claws, fangs, slit eyes and horned heads did not serve to ease his mind in the slightest but it did clear up a bit of confusion. It was not a species that he was familiar with, but they were clearly formidabble. He had no idea what technology they had to be able to do this, but he wanted it. They hadn't killed any of his Jaffa despite being attacked, so they may not be here to kill him. He hoped so, because he was not eager to get into a fight with someone who could so easily walk past his defenses. With some luck, this might be just the windfall he needed to regain his rightful place as System Lord, though he was not too hopeful on that count.
Truth be told, if he could have he would have fled already, but that road was closed. His Ha'tak was nearby, but not so close that he would reach it in time and that was assuming that they didn't have ships of their own in orbit.
If Te'lok, his current First Prime, had informed him of them sooner, then he might have been able to flee either through the stargate or get to the Ha'tak to scan nearby space for a possible escape route.
Zeus spared a moment of regret for the loss of Heracles, his previous First Prime who had died covering his recent escape. Like many before him, Heracles had been named and raised by him personally, ensuring unswerving loyalty. It was a time consuming and often tedious process, but had proven it's worth many times before.
Te'lok had become First Prime becase he was the next highest ranked warrior, but he was a poor replacement.
Listening to Te'lok's recounting of how the two intruders had swiftly and easily penetrated his admittedly substandard defenses, Zeus had to conclude that there truly had been no time to even have some Jaffa board their gliders and attack from the air. Still, he made a note to punish Te'lok for not reporting the situation sooner.
Naruto hummed a nonsensical tune to himself as he ambled unconcernedly through the incredibly ugly, gold painted hallways. Who in their right mind coats the halls in gold anyway? He could practically feel his eyes watering just looking at them. He could almost imagine his wife's eyes twitching at the disgusting gaudiness of it all.
Speaking of Xanna, she wasn't by his side anymore, having decided that she would go kill the god wannabe's Queen while he took care of the douche himself.
The Jaffa had backed off and weren't trying to impede his progress anymore, so it wasn't long before he wandered into the throne room. It was also painted in the same gaudy gold, with the rather cliche braziers burning on the walls as a light source. Seriously, using braziers as a light source when you were a space faring civilization? He hadn't seen anything so ridiculous since the last time he'd heard a man saying that God hates lesbians.
Madness, God loves lesbians. He should know, he was one.
But getting back to the point, the supposed god trying to look imperious on his ugly ass throne said something in that deep voice with too much vibrato in it. Had Naruto spoken Goa'uld, he would have known that Zeus said something to the effect of 'I am Zeus, God of Thunder, who comes before me?'.
As it was, it only made Naruto roll his eyes at the self important arrogance in the tone, while he attacked the parasite's mind to extract the language. Normally, he needed a few minutes to unobstrusively copy the language to his own mind and integrate it, followed by a few more minutes of getting used to actually speaking it, but he couldn't be bothered this time. The evil was practically rolling off the snake he could sense wrapped around the old man's spinal cord, so instead of a light touch, he went in with the mental equivalent of a chainsaw.
Zeus screamed as pain-that-was-not-pain exploded in his mind, causing Te'lok to aim his staff weapon at the horned man that looked to be concentrating on something. The few bolts that Te'lok fired were harmlessly blocked with a faintly red shield of some sort, preventing even the usual explosion from occuring.
Seeing that ranged attacks were not working, Te'lok closed to melee with the full expectation that he would die for his brazen attack. Still, there was nothing he could do about it, not when his god had been attacked.
Naruto easily caught the staff weapon and flipped the Jaffa onto his back. "Stay down...wow, this language is really stupid."
Holding his head and trying to subdue the strange pressure in his mind, Zeus managed to croak out another question. "Who are you?"
"I'm the man that's going to kill you."
Distantly, Zeus noticed that the horned man was enunciating the Goa'uld language as if it was new to him, from which it naturally followed that he had likely just learned it. The idea that this interloper was capable of such a feat was not comforting, nor was the flat statement of intent to kill.
"What grievance do you have with me?" Zeus hedged, trying to buy time.
"You shouldn't have pretended to be a god, you never know when a real one is going to take offense to something like that. Additionally, this is also a very nice planet, so we're taking it because we can." Naruto told him with a grin.
Mind you, Naruto did not actually give a damn whether they claimed to be gods, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or the Easter Bunny, but it was a good a reason as any and Xanna was vaguely offended that these bottom feeders made claims of divinity.
Meanwhile, Naruto was of the opinion that they'd actually done a half-decent job at pretending to be gods.
For one, they were all a bunch of assholes, which was always a very important trait of godhood. Naruto was well aware that he and Xanna were assholes by any definiton of the word(except the literal one that is).
Secondly, they had massive egos(mostly unjustifiably, but that wasn't important), which was almost as important as being an asshole. He and Xanna had justifiably massive egos, though his wife tended to overdo it for fun.
Thirdly, they wielded powers that the populations they ruled didn't. That their power came from technology was irrelevant. The Sekirei's power had also originated in technology, yet they couldn't bring people back from the dead, while the Goa'uld could with their sarcophagus.
Since Zeus fancied himself a 'God of Thunder', there was only one thing to do.
"Dance for me oh 'Thunder God'." The words were cackled out more than said and punctuated by a small blast of lightning directed from Naruto's clawed index finger, aimed at Zeus' feet.
The Goa'uld jumped in both surprise and fright and then continued jumping as more tiny lightning blasts were shot at him.
Naruto let out a giggle that was deeply disturbing coming from someone of his size and then pouted when his target used that gaudy gold ribbon device on his hand to project a golden energy shield(yet again gold. He was starting to really dislike that color) and block his low powered attacks.
"That's cute, but can it block this?" He asked and increased the intensity of his attack to something slightly more lethal.
Zeus kept up the shield, but could rapidly feel himself weaken. It was not immediately apparent, but while the kara kesh had a small power source of it's own, it was mostly dependent on the naquadah present in the bloodstream of the Goa'uld symbiote and its host to activate it and this prolonged attack was straining those reserves of energy considerably. The personal shield that all Goa'uld employed was meant to block weapons fire from a staff weapon or zat'nik'tel, not a sustained barrage of lighting.
What was this insanity? A man that could throw lightning from his hands and so easily block the plasma bolts of a staff weapon? The most confusing part of it was that there was no obvious technology at play either. While the kara kesh hand device was subtle and unobtrusive, the horned man clearly had nothing at all on his hands. He was barely wearing anything as it was!
Even as he thought this, another idea occured to him. It was risky, but he didn't seem to have any other options anyway. He could jump hosts and take control of this powerful horned man. The risk was in the fact that not all species could be possessed and jumping into an unknown host could prove fatal. But if it worked...then he would have a host the likes of which every Goa'uld dreamed of having.
"Interesting gizmo you've got there, might be worth figuring out in my off time, but first I've got to kill you. No hard feelings, you're just too ugly to live." Naruto said offhandedly and started stalking towards the would be god.
Zeus ignored the insult and focused on projecting an aprehensive image as the horned man approached, all the while preparing to jump hosts. Not a very hard thing to do since he was aprehensive.
As soon as he was in range, Zeus released his hold over his current host's spinal column and launched himself at the neck of the horned man, ripping apart the throat of the host that had carried him for thousands of years now.
Almost negligibly, Naruto caught the squirming, bloodsoaked serpent in the air and examined it while the old man, who had long since gone mad, quickly died, finally free.
The Goa'uld was a curious creature, powerfully but compactly muscled, with a quartet of mandibles that were likely used to latch onto the brain and take control of a host as well as penetrate the skin. It's eyes were a nearly glowing red and it had a fin on its back, denoting aquatic origins.
"Well aren't you the ambitious one." Naruto murmured, while turning it over, putting a deliberately uncomfortable amount of pressure on the tiny spine of the parasite "I'm impressed that an oversized tapeworm like you has the ego to claim godhood."
The Goa'uld screeched something and Naruto could sense that it was hurling panicked curses at him inside its mind, knowing that it was about to die. Funnily enough, it seemed that the Goa'uld language didn't have any properly good curses.
"That's not very nice." He chided as he felt something mildly creative pass through the creature's mind, but this time directed at the indecisive and confused Jaffa. "Te'lok did the best he could."
The Jaffa in question started at being spoken of, having resigned himself to watching his god be killed by a more powerful one and waiting to offer his service as was the custom when one's god was defeated.
"Are you still playing with that thing?" Xanna's voice drifted into the room from the entrance before Te'lok could even try to say something, also speaking Goa'uld.
"I was thinking of keeping a fish tank full of these things around for fun, see if they start eating each other after a while." Naruto said amusedly.
"While that might be amusing, I have no wish to keep these disgusting things around at the moment. We will be busy enough without the need to take care of pets, especially ones who are only fit to swim in their own filth." She replied.
Naruto sighed as if greatly disappointed and turned to look back on the squirming parasite in his fist, grabbing the small skull in two fingers. "You heard the lady, time to die."
Zeus screeched in pain as the two fingers slowly closed the distance between them, not pausing the slightest bit as the bones started breaking.
Te'lok had watched the casual(and pitiless) execution of his god with a sense of aprehension. It was a Jaffa's lot in life to serve the gods, but he feared that this brutal god and his equally brutal Queen would be even harsher than Zeus had been.
Nevertheless, he pushed aside his misgivings and kneeled. "Lord, you have slain our god and taken his domain. I pledge my honor and my life to your service."
A flicker of introspection passed through his mind at this point, wondering if there could be something more to the life of a warrior than endlessly fighting the warriors of rival gods. He also wondered whether the other Jaffa who had survived while their god did not ever considered this.
Naruto looked over the kneeling man in a cursory inspection. Tan skin tone, moderately tall, in very good physical condition, hair shaved closely for minimum maintenance. The man was obviously a warrior and had been for his entire life. There was only one thing to do.
"No thanks, we have no use for slaves." He said dismissively.
The casual refusal of his service came as a great shock to Te'lok, who had never heard of such a thing happening. The gods always needed warriors to secure their territories or fight against their rivals, the idea that one of them would refuse an offer of service was unheard of. Out of the corner of his mind, he saw that even the horned woman looked askance at her companion, though he had no idea of the silent conversation between them.
What are you doing husband? We came here to take over and refusing the service of these Jaffa will only create problems later on.
Trust me on this.
Once Te'lok had sufficiently recovered from his shock, he felt the need to argue the point that the horned man had made, though he knew that arguing with the gods tended to be hazardous. His honor and pride would not allow him to keep quiet however.
"Pardon lord, but I am not a slave." He managed to keep his tone humble and apologetic despite his offense at being called a slave. In his mind, slaves were humans and Jaffa were warriors. True, they both served the Goa'uld, but he had never considered himself a slave.
"Then why are you on your knees?" Naruto asked with pointed amusement.
Face creased with confusion, Te'lok slowly rose to his feet, wondering if this was some elaborate test and he was about to be killed. When fatal consequences for daring to stand without being given leave failed to appear, he tentatively concluded that there was something very different going on than the usual Goa'uld takeover.
"The Goa'uld wanted you to kneel. If you want to be part of the empire we intend to build, then you're going to have to stand."
Te'lok may not have been a particularly philosophical man, but he did understand what was being said here and it appealed to him greatly. This god demanded strength from those who would serve under him, not submission. That was definitely something he could respect, aside from just the power and martial skill that the horned man clearly wielded.
"Then I would stand with you lord, but first I would have your name." He said boldly, standing firmly and hiding the minor uncertainty he still felt at being so forward.
The approving grin he got in return confirmed that his thoughts had been correct. "My name is Naruto and this is my wife Xanna."
Te'lok returned the horned woman's slight inclination of the head with a respectful one of his own before he focused back on the man who had already garnered a lot of his respect. Usually when a Goa'uld was defeated by another, many of his Jaffa died before the remainder were absorbed into the forces of the victor, but not a single warrior died today. That, along with the fact Naruto was well aware that warriors took their pride and honor quite seriously did a great deal to winning him over completely.
"What would you have of me my lord?" He asked formally.
"Firstly, lets get rid of that thing on your forehead." Naruto said and reached out to place his fingers on the gold symbol of Zeus, a pair of crossed thunderbolts.
Te'lok felt his forehead tingle and reached up to touch it once the horned man had removed his fingers, feeling surprised to feel only smooth skin. Mere days ago, his forehead had been cut with an orak knife and molten gold had been poured into the resulting wound, signifying his rise to the position of First Prime to Zeus. The process had been extremely painful, but Te'lok had been proud at the time.
"Secondly, I would have you consider the fact that once that symbiote inside your pouch matures, there will be no more to replace it now that Hera is dead." Naruto told him, lips twitching at how silly this old style speech seemed to him.
That brought Te'lok up short, as he hadn't thought of that yet. He was just a young Jaffa of sixty and had already carried five Goa'uld to maturity up to this point, while his current one would mature within a year or two.
It was not impossible for a Jaffa to carry a mature symbiote, but the serpents became restless and wanted to find a host to possess. Truth be told, he had no idea what would happen if he continued walking around with a fully mature symbiote for an extended period of time, as Zeus' priests always made sure to remove the mature ones and replace them with young ones, but he did not imagine that it would end well for him.
"You should be aware that the Goa'uld need you far more than you need them, so they have made certain that you are dependant on them for your life." Xanna told him.
Te'lok frowned again, being forced to think a great deal more than usual. "Then I will die if I do not find another symbiote to replace my current one once it matures?"
"That would be one solution, the other would require you to let me heal you, giving up the long life granted to you by carrying that thing inside you, but you would be free of them completely."
The former First Prime was at a loss over what to do next, having never had this much freedom to decide on things for himself before. While being free of the need to carry a Prim'tah would be nice, he didn't want to give up the good health and longevity it granted either.
"Take some time to think about it and get back to me once you've made a decision." Naruto told him in a dismissive tone. "In the meanwhile, have the other Jaffa come see us so that we can remove the markings on their foreheads and then go tell the humans that they can stop working in the mines and go home."
"Understood." Te'lok said with a nod and went to find his fellow Jaffa, who were no doubt just outside, waiting to hear of the outcome of the battle and what was to become of them.
Important life decisions could wait for later, once he'd had time to consider them more carefully. For now, he would follow the shockingly benevolent orders of his new lord.
"How clever of you, playing on the Jaffa's warrior culture to inspire their loyalty." Xanna commented once the last of the Jaffa had the marks on their foreheads removed and been offered the same deal as Te'lok.
"You make it sound so underhanded." Naruto grinned back at her.
"Almost as underhanded as offering to fix their immune systems if they wanted it, without mentioning that we have no intention of raiding any Goa'uld temples for fresh symbiotes if they refuse." She agreed.
"They could always join the service of some other Goa'uld, I wouldn't stop them from leaving." He shrugged.
"But you also know they won't do that since many of them have families here thanks to Zeus being forced to establish a Jaffa community." She pointed out.
Goa'uld generally preferred to enforce a strict separation between the Jaffa and humans, marking some planets as Jaffa worlds and others as worlds where human slaves toiled to mine naquadah for them. No doubt this was done out of fear that yet another rebellion might ensue from their interaction, but Zeus had been forced to allow it due to being left with only this one planet.
"Okay, so I am playing them like a harp, but it's for their own good." He conceded with another grin. "I'll have to deal with the few of them that don't like us as it is."
Xanna nodded in agreement. Simply accepting their service as had been her intent would have been easier in the short term, but those dissidents would have eventually started becoming unhappy with the way that she and Naruto were going to do things. Naruto's approach was somewhat more long winded, but when it was over, he would command the loyalty of those Jaffa without question because they would respect him as a fellow warrior.
She knew that she couldn't pull off the same thing, partially because Jaffa society saw women as second class citizens, but mostly because she did not have the same natural, easygoing charisma that her husband exuded. The first issue was easy enough to fix, but the second was not. She had never been a warrior and the Jaffa would be unable to relate to her, something that her aloof manner would only exacerbate...which was why she would have settled for their subservience instead of their willing loyalty.
"Well nevermind that now, lets bring Akitsu out of stasis like we promised her." Naruto continued.
In shot order, the Ice Sekirei was released from temporal stasis and blinked at her new surroundings. From her perspective, she had been in the very comfortable hotel room one moment and in this gaudy, gold encrusted throne room the next.
Still, that didn't really concern her and she happily moved to first Naruto and then Xanna a hug, being well aware that more time had passed for them than it did for her.
"How do you like the new place sweetie?" Naruto asked teasingly.
Naruto and Xanna snorted in amusement at the extremely accurate description.
"Easy enough to fix." Xanna muttered and stripped all the gold from the walls with a wave of her hand. What fascination humans, and apparently to an even greater the degree the Goa'uld, had with the worthless metal escaped them, but they certainly weren't going to tolerate it. Humanity at least had the excuse that it had been used as the basis of currency for thousands of years, but the Goa'uld actually seemed to like it for the purposes of decoration...a concept that baffled them since the effect of that much gold plastered everywhere was rather headache inducing.
The walls instantly became more bearable to look at, though the spam of hieroglyphics all over them were still annoying to look at and would need fixing. In point of fact the whole damned palace would likely need to be remodeled if not outright torn down and rebuilt.
Any further conversation or perhaps breaking in of their new home through judicious application of sex was interrupted by the apperance of a human sized glowing object. In a few seconds, the glow receded to reveal a dark haired woman in a modest white dress that was perhaps somewhere in her thirties by human terms, though it was impossible to tell how old she really was.
"Greetings Outsiders." She said, in Japanese to their mild surprise. The surprise was mostly due to the fact that she spoke the language rather than the fact that she would choose that particular one...they had been conversing in it just now after all.
Clearly, anime had been correct in its supposition that the entire Universe spoke Japanese.
"It appears that our skulker has finally decided to reveal herself." Xanna commented to her husband, paying only minimal attention to the intruder.
"So it would seem." Naruto agreed with a frown, his libido not particularly fond of the delay. "What the hell do you want? If you're here to get fucked then you'll have to wait your turn."
The newcomer was severely taken aback by by the reaction that her entrance had received, which was about as far from the norm as it could get. The horned woman's dismissive mention of having known about her presence despite the fact that she should have been invisible was bad enough, but the utter crudeness that had followed was so alien to her that she had no idea how to react.
Xanna smirked at the poleaxed look that the intruder was sporting, amused as ever at how easily Naruto turned something as inane as foul language and innuendo into a weapon to keep people off balance.
"That is not why I am here." She managed to say, though a bit more stiffly than she would have wished. "I am here to-"
"And now she just moves on to the point without even introducing herself." Xanna interrupted scathingly, ignoring the fact that she frequently did the exact same thing.
If the newcomer still had blood she would have flushed. That was indeed something she had forgotten about in the wake of her surprise.
"My name is Ganos Lal and I am a spokesperson for the Ascended."
The Ascended had actually been the first evolution of humans called 'Alterans' or 'Lanteans' and in the later stages of their civilization 'the Ancients' before their biological and technological evolution had run its course and allowed them to ascend to a higher plane of existence as beings of pure energy. Before their Ascension, they had planted the seeds for the current, 'second' evolution of Humanity.
An unfortunate side effect of them leaving the material plane behind was the fact that they'd also left much of their technology lying around. Technology such as the stargates which allowed one to travel from planet to planet across thousands of locations all over the Galaxy by way of an artificially created stable wormhole. Those particular devices had been what the newly emerged Goa'uld had used to leave their planet and allowed them to stumble on some Alteran spaceships which they then used as a basis for creating their own ships.
On the upside, much of that technology was far, far too advanced for the Goa'uld to figure out, no matter how good they were at stealing other people's technology, but it was still the root cause of their current domination of the Galaxy and the enslavement of millions.
Of course, now that they were Ascended beings, they could have easily destroyed the Goa'uld or confined them to a primitive world, but the majority of the Ascended had declared that it was forbidden to interfere with the lower planes and enforced this rule steadfastly to prevent anyone from breaking it, even if it was to clean up the mess they left behind.
Which actually tied in to why Ganos had been sent here.
While their entrance into their reality had been incredibly unobtrusive, it had not been so unobtrusive as to remain unnoticed. It was not everyday that someone punctured through the fabric of space-time with only their will, even if care had been taken to keep their passage from destabilizing anything. The Ascended had been quite baffled by this feat, as it was something even they could not do and the following minor usages of supernatural power hadn't helped clear anything up. While they had at one point developed technology to jump to a parallel dimension, that only worked if the other dimension had developed the exact same technology, which considerably limited their options in that venue, but these two had done it as easily as stepping through a doorway with only their minds...hence why they had been dubbed 'Outsiders' by the Ascended.
True, highly evolved sentients were capable of telepathy, telekinesis and certain other feats that might have been called supernatural(these were all the signs of a species on the brink of being able to ascend), but the spirits of these horned newcomers blazed with an incomprehensible energy the likes of which the Ascended had never fathomed could be held by beings of flesh and blood. The third one, the young woman they'd pulled out of some kind of dimensional fold also had some sort of power in her, but it was infinitely weaker and slightly different.
Which was why they had been observing them and deciding what do do. By their own rules, they couldn't interfere in the goings on of the prime material plane, but there were some fairly extraordinary circumstances and so they had watched and contemplated whether to come speak to them or not.
When they had seen the pitiless execution of the two Goa'uld, they had been slightly concerned but not yet alarmed...nobody much liked the Goa'uld after all, not even other Goa'uld.
When their stated claim of establishing an empire had been told to the Jaffa, they had started becoming rather alarmed. It was not a great leap of the imagination to guess that these two were likely extremely long lived if not downright immortal, so such a claim was no trivial matter.
What was truly alarming about that was the offhanded claim of godhood, which was far too reminiscent of the Ori.
"And? So? Therefore?" Naruto prompted impatiently after a few moments of silence when Ganos didn't continue, disdaining to introduce himself in return. He'd done that more than enough times today already and she must have overheard it at least once by now during her skulking.
"Initially we were not intenting to approach you as it is our policy to not interfere with the lower planes, but your claims for divinity and intention to create an empire changed that." Ganos said, diplomatically giving no indication of her feelings on the matter, nor her surprise at their complete lack of curiousity as to what exactly the Ascended were.
"I fail to see why you would care about what we do and more importantly, I fail to see why we should care about your opinion." Xanna said frostily.
Ganos suppressed a frown at the horned woman's superior attitude, which was pretty much exactly the type of attitude that one would expect from someone claiming divinity. The statement was also worded in such a way that answering it directly would make the Ascended appear to be either impotent or make it look as if they were trying to threaten the horned duo with their power.
Deciding that a more indirect approach would be best, she responded in the same diplomatic tone of voice that she'd been using so far. "We are merely concerned about the impact of beings such as yourself-"
"Oh you're concerned!" Naruto interrupted with a crowing voice and an infuriatingly cheerful grin before turning to his wife. "You hear that love? They're concerned."
"Truly an event of dire significance." Xanna deadpanned. "Wouldn't you say so Akitsu?"
"Ah...yes, very important."
"Well I suppose we have no choice then." Naruto said mournfully. "We're going to have to drop everything and start informing the multiverse that a bunch of voyeuristic, has-been ghosts are concerned over what we're going to do. And just think! They haven't even seen us have sex yet!"
Ganos stared at the snickering trio(well, Naruto was snickering, Xanna was smirking and Akitsu was hiding a tiny smile in Naruto's arm) with no small amount of incredulity. The idea that someone would not only refuse to take the Ascended seriously, but also mock them like this had simply never occured to any of them.
There were very few among the Ascended that had any kind of contact with the material plane, a bare handful really. Ganos or Morgana le Fay as she was more widely known to humans was herself counted among those who had more contact with the lower planes than most and even that was mostly due to that incident with Merlin a few centuries ago, which had been at the behest of the others.
Oma Desala had far more regular contact with mortals and might have been a better choice to talk to these two, but she had long since distanced herself from the other Ascended, both because she had always been of the opinion that they shouldn't completely forbid themselves from interacting with the lower planes(an edict whose boundaries she occasionally pushed) and because of her screw up with the Goa'uld Anubis.
Generally, the cause of that edict was because mortals were all too eager to think them gods and start worshipping them, especially mortals that lived in low tech societies. Considering their staunch opposition to the Ori on that particular issue, they obviously wanted to avoid that, but that did not change the fact that the Ascended had never expected to be mocked to their faces.
"If you would but listen-" Ganos started again, a small note of frustration in her tone.
"Why should we?" Xanna interrupted, quite deliberately. "You said yourself that your kind has some kind of silly policy of non-interference, so unless you're willing to change it I don't see why we should continue listening to you when we could be having sex instead."
"That policy was put in place to allow the younger civilizations to evolve without being influenced by us, but you-" Ganos said calmly, hiding her irritation at being constantly interrupted.
"Then why are you here? Kindly fuck off so that we can...fuck on." Naruto interrupted yet again, grinning at what he considered to be a rather clever bit of wordplay.
"But you are not like them, we can sense the vast power inside you. There is no reason why you should need to use physical bodies anymore, so I have been sent to ask if you could please leave these humans be." The Ascended woman ground out, finding herself incredibly irritated by their seeming fixation on carnal pleasure.
"Consider your request considered and refused, now leave or we will make you leave." Xanna commanded, her good humor starting to evaporate.
"You think you could force me away?" Ganos asked disbelievingly, mostly in shock at the threat. She knew they were powerful and capable of things that the Ascended weren't, but how exactly did they think that she could be forced away, when she wasn't even a physical entity?
In the next instant, she felt her ass smacking into a chair and her elbows smacking onto a table that had just materialized in front of her, which was quite the novel experience to be sure since she hadn't had an actual physical ass or elbows in ten thousand years.
A quick scan of her surroundings revealed that the hieroglyphics encrusted throne room had been changed and now seemed to be a room with many rows of chairs and desks, with a primitive whiteboard set up at the front of it.
Ganos didn't recognize it, as her people had abandoned this type of classroom design so long ago that only a historian would have seen how similar it looked to what they once used to educate their children, but she did get the general idea from the setup.
Aside from the change in venue, there were some other changes. For one, aside from her, Naruto and Akitsu were also sitting in their own desks, while Xanna was at the front, next to the whiteboard.
For another, both she and Akitsu were now dressed in some sort of girls uniform. A white top stretched tightly over the breasts, black stockings and an obscenely short light green skirt.
The final change was that Xanna's severely revealing kimono had been replaced with a white blouse that had two buttons undone to expose a great deal of dusky cleavage, while a third looked as if it was about to pop any second now. Her legs were covered by a black leather skirt and there were a pair of stylish glasses perched on her nose that made her crimson eyes stand out even further and her white hair had been bound into a high ponytal.
The entire effect was slightly thrown off by the fact that she was still barefoot, but it worked well enough.
While Ganos was looking around somewhat wildly and trying to figure out what the hell had just happened, Xanna smacked the whiteboard loudly with a telescopic metal pointer, drawing attention to the sectioned triangle drawn on it.
"This," She hissed commandingly, leveling a glare at her 'class'. "is a simplified diagram of our relative power levels."
Continuing, she once again smacked the pointer on the whiteboard, this time on the lowest part of the pyramid, where 'Animals' was clearly written.
"I should hope that you don't need me to explain this one. When sufficient time passes, animals might become less stupid animals and eventually evolve sentience, upon which time they inevitably discover that it is possible to be sentient while also being dumber than an animal." She explained scathingly, moving the pointer one level up, to 'Sentients'.
"Over the course of time, this new sentient species will commit uncountable atrocities against itself and others for the most inane of reasons, most likely destroying itself in the process. If, and I stress if, they somehow manage to survive long enough, they have a slight chance of ascending to the next level."
The pointer moved another level up, resting on 'Ascended Beings', which had a caption under it that said 'Lowly Pissants'.
"This is where you are girly." The horned woman said condescendingly, looking at a wide eyed Ganos.
"We," She continued, moving the pointer up past several sections that only had '?' written in them, all the way up to the top of the triangle, which was for some reason separated from the rest of it, most likely denoting that it was impossible to reach this level by conventional means...or at least that's what Ganos guessed. "are here."
The top had 'Primordial Forces of Creation and Destruction' written in it, with a smaller caption that clearly stated 'Not To Be Fucked With.'
Walking slowly over to the mute ascended woman, Xanna lifted her chin up with the telescopic pointer, incidentally nearly causing her to hyperventilate as she suddenly realised that she had an actual physical body again for some reason. "With all this and what you know of our personalities in mind, you shouldn't be asking yourself whether we can force you away...you should be asking yourself 'what if we decide to keep you around?' instead. After all, an Empress can never know when she might need a personal cunt cleaner."
"Don't forget that this Emperor might also need a personal seed gargler. I have no idea what for, but I might need one." Naruto pitched in, having been enjoying the lecture immensely so far.
"You wouldn't." Ganos rasped with a suddenly dry mouth, distantly recalling how irritating physical bodies were with their involuntary reactions to emotional stimulus.
"Oh fine, you can be the royal cunt clearner/seed gargler." Xanna huffed, as if making some great concession.
"Ah...Don't worry Ganos-san, I will show you how to perform your new duties. Xanna-sama has even given us matching uniforms for when Naruto-senpai molests us." Akitsu added with her usual monotone, adjusting the white schoolgirl shirt that looked as if it was about to rip in the attempt of containing her sizable chest.
While the ascended woman struggled to make a system reboot and get her brain functioning again, Xanna turned towards her husband and asked a question. "Mr. Uzumaki, what did you think of my lecture?"
"I think that if my academy instructors looked even a fraction as sexy as you do right now, I'd have failed the year more than just four times." Naruto admitted, giving his wife a full body leer.
"Detention for making bad passes at a teacher Mr. Uzumaki, I expect you to serve it to the utmost of your ability." She replied with a suggestively breathy tone, coincidentally pushing her chest out further.
Akitsu's eyes crinkled in slight consternation, wanting to join in on the obvious fun that was brewing but unsure of how to do it while staying in character. Inspiration struck as she thought over what little she knew of school and its rules, causing her to make an ice cube in her hands and chuck it at the still silent Ganos.
The ascended woman hissed in surprised pain the likes of which she hadn't felt for ten thousand years and clutched at her head. It didn't really hurt that bad, but it was yet another unwelcome reminder of her current circumstances.
"Akitsu, detention along with Mr. Uzumaki."
Ganos Lal stared at the corpse that had her face.
The trio of perverts had gone off on their own, no doubt to satisfy their carnal urges, apparently completely forgetting about her in the process.
Once that had happened, she'd appeared on the other side of the planet, still dressed like a Japanese schoolgirl(not that she knew it, since that particular fetish was still some centuries off from being developed back on Earth).
It hadn't been hard to leave the body and return to an ascended state, but being forced back into physical form against her will had been a jarring experience to say the least, as was looking at the puppet of flesh and bones with her face that was now splayed rather lewdly on the ground.
Her mind no longer affected by biological factors, Ganos now realised that the whole thing had been just a very sick joke played on her, probably as retribution for holding them up in the first place.
In the end, the only thing she had learned was that they were powerful beyond imagination to be so easily capable of reshaping reality, creating mindless human bodies and forcing ascended beings into them, all for the sake of some disgusting sexual humor. Which also meant that there really wasn't a damn thing that the Ascended could do about them in any sort of direct fashion, and they hadn't had too much ground to stand on with their suggestion that they should leave the less evolved races alone to begin with.
Well, she had also learned that Naruto had apparently failed the same year four times in a row. Alteran education had long since abandoned such a teaching style, but she got the gist of it and it meant that someone with incomprehensible cosmic power had been the school dunce.
A disturbing thought to be sure, especially as it also implied that he had been mortal once upon a time.
Either way, she found herself surprisingly glad to be done with them and had no intention of repeating this experience, even if there were certain things said during that 'lecture' that she would have liked to inquire further about. It had as likely as not been just another joke and she doubted that answers would be forthcoming even if it wasn't.
Well, there goes the first chapter again.
In case anyone is wondering, the planet and star names have been shamelessly stolen from the game "Spore", which I played up to the space age for the exact purpose of doing so. Hurrah for that badass name generator.
Do tell me what you think by way of the handy review gimmick that is located just under this blatantly review fishing message :P.