Disclaimer: Sometimes, I scare even myself.

A/N: Sketchfan is also to blame for at least half the insanity in this fic, as again he is the one who helped me flesh it out.

A/N: For those wondering, everything for this fic is canon up to this point. www DOT mangachapter DOT net BACKWARDS SLASH 746 BACKWARDS SLASH naruto BACKWARDS SLASH 682 DASH 08 DOT html


They'd always known that Naruto was completely and utterly unpredictable when fighting. They'd known he was prone to using unusual tactics on opponents. No one, however, had ever expected this.

And it all started with...

"Oiroke Gyaku Hāremu no Jutsu!" Naruto shouted.

"Naruto, you idiot, how can he he use such a jutsu in this situation?" Sakura spat. "Sure, that might work on me, but he can't expect that to work on a goddess."

"Sakura, what's going on?" Kakashi asked, only for the Naruto clone to float up, and give them all a clear view of what was going on.

In another time and place, the clones would have dispersed, and Naruto would have slugged the rabbit goddess, shocking everyone with the fact that the distraction had worked. This time, however, something different occurred. One of Naruto's clones just so happened to be the 1/7000 clone that got the lion's share of Naruto's normally supressed libido, and the effects that life or death situations tended to have on it. Being self-aware, these clones often popped themselves so as not to be a distraction in the fight, but on this day, something caught the clone's eye before he could pop himself. This clone, whose hair was covering his left eye, was in a prime position to catch sight of just how much the uber woman was actually affected by the jutsu, and noticed the very minute drop of blood bubbling in her left nostril.

Figuring that wide, pleasantly surprised eyes and a very minor nosebleed were signs that Kaguya was at the very least interested, and that giving the original some extra time wouldn't hurt, the libidinous clone decided to just go for it. In a move he'd seen in Icha Icha Tactics, the clone slid close to Kaguya, wrapped his left arm around her waist, pulling their bodies flush against one another, and gently pressed his lips to those of the distracted progenitor of chakra. Now, while he'd only been hoping to prolong the distraction, the clone was very much surprised when she cupped his cheeks, and returned the kiss full force. Now while you might be shocked, let's not forget that even Kaguya was a woman with needs. Not only that, but it had been a long time, and he did seem to be offering.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Naruto?!" Sakura yelled as she unthinkingly slugged the clone that had been keeping her, Kakashi, and Obito from falling into the lava. "I should have known you were an unrepentant pervert, especially after that stupid jutsu of yours."

It was a very good thing that Kakashi was able to divine what her intentions were, and quickly seal a jutsu in time, or they'd have been dead. Luckily, he was able to seal a small Doton jutsu that created a small landmass for the three non-combatants to stand on. Sakura at least had the good graces to realize her potentially very fatal mistake born of a mild temper tantrum.

Sasuke, who was already quite surprised that the distraction had actually worked, would momentarily forget about the plan in his shock. "Wait, is she really kissing him back?"

"What the hell?" Zetsu protested from inside Kaguya's sleeve. "Is this for real? Did she really just kiss him back?"

Staring up at the spectacle, Kakashi couldn't help commenting. "Okay, I've always known he was unpredictable, but this is pushing my suspension of belief farther than I'm comfortable with."

As the clone infused with Naruto's libido swapped spit with the mother of chakra, the clone with the glasses turned to the original. "Hey boss, she's kissing him back, what are we supposed to do? This wasn't part of the plan, was it?"

Naruto, who was just as shocked as the others, made a snap decision. "Let's wait a moment and see where this goes. It might be a trick to get us to attack her while she's supposedly distracted."

The clone nodded, and a waiting game began. Contrary to what Naruto suspected, it wasn't a trick. Using one of those crazy uber powerful techniques that uber villains can just randomly pull out of their asses, Kaguya grabbed the lapels of the other clone's chakra cloak, and began pulling it off his shoulders as if it were a jacket until he was left in a sage chakra version of the shirt he was wearing under his jacket. It was about this time that Naruto began to suspect that maybe it wasn't a trick.

"Okay, I know that I may have been corrupted by pervy sage some, but even I can't believe that this happening. It's like a page straight out of that pervert's books or something."

It was about that time that Kaguya had grasped the chakra-shirt firmly in two hands, and tore it away like it was merely a simple undershirt. The wisps of chakra dissipating in the air, even as the chakra surrounding the clone moved to fill in the gaps surrounding his surprisingly bared torso.

"What the hell does she thing she's doing to him?!" Sakura screamed when Kaguya ripped his shirt off.

Zetsu couldn't help agreeing. "Seriously ma, what the hell is this shit?!"

The spectators became even more surprised when Kaguya's lips moved down to his neck, and her teeth began nipping at his neck while she caressed his chest. The clone groaned at the feel of the Usagi Megami's (1) long nails scraping gently up and down his torso.

"Someone please tell me this isn't really happening...right?" Kakashi deadpanned. "What this is leading to, it's not real, right?"

Obito, his left eye twitching, answered. "...if it is, I'm not sure whether to feel shocked, apallaed, excited, or incredibly impressed with your student."

Kakashi sighed. "Actually, I'm feeling rather disappointed. Something this epic happening to Naruto, and not only are his parents not here to see him become a legend, but his godfather isn't here to record it for posterity. Even worse, I don't have a Sharingan to record it so that I can show sensei if we ever get out of here."

Around this time, the molested clone, who found that maybe he'd bitten off more than he could chew, addressed the original. "Um, b-boss, what's the plan? I mean, s-she's doing some really p-pleasant things to my chest with her tongue, and her hand just went down the front of my pa-aaaahhhh."

"How dare she touch him like that?!" Sakura yelled seeing what their enemy's hand had just done.

Due to the shock of what he was seeing, Naruto made what he thought was going to turn out to be a dire mistake. In his shock at what the woman had done, he'd accidentally released his sexy jutsu. The severe wince he expressed was copied by the clones; all of them thinking that this was probably going to turn out like all of those other situations where one of those girls having the hots for bishie things would react negatively to her bishie yumminess disappearing. Much to the shock of everyone involved, Kaguya hadn't stopped what she was doing, or even broken her stride; rather the release of the jutsu had actually spurred her on further.

Sasuke, who'd realized he was out of his depths at the moment, and joined the others spectating the crazy scenario, took in the scene with a bit more of an analytical mind. "You know, this is the second girl with a Byakugan who's gone for Naruto. I'm starting to think they can see something with those eyes that other girls can't."

Zetsu was starting to become beyond disturbed with what his mother was doing. "Seriously ma, stop for crying out loud. What's gotten into you woman?"

Had someone of Jiraiya's level perversion been there at that moment, they'd have surely made a comment insinuating that nothing had gotten into her yet, but to just wait a bit longer. This sentiment was proven moments later, when using her chakra manipulations, Kaguya grabbed his chakra-pants thing with her free hand, and tore them away. Much to the shock of everyone, the clone found itself completely nude, despite still being surrounded by a cloak of Sage chakra.

That done, Kaguya went back to kissing Naruto. At the same time, she also undid her kimono, and let it, along with the black mass that was Zetsu, drop to the ground. Upon seeing Kaguya's body- which every male in viewing distance agreed was absolute perfection- and realizing exactly what she intended to do with the clone, a single thought went through the minds of Kakashi, Obito, Sasuke, and even the original Naruto.

'I am so jealous of that Bunshin right now.'

It was at this time that the clone decided to state the obvious; not that Naruto or anyone else really needed to be told. "Uh, I don't think it's a trick, boss."

It was also at this point that Kaguya actually deigned to draw her focus away from her boytoy, and give her surroundings any attention. Upon looking up and noticing the clones, she let loose a shriek of rage, and the veins around her eyes bulged angrily as she sought out the fool who dared trick her. Using her hair to dispurse all of the clones, Kaguya charged Naruto with a speed that put even her rapid dimension hopping to shame.

Kakashi paled upon seeing this. "Shit, she figured out Naruto's plan, and she's on the atta-ck." This thought was quickly amended when after tackling him in the air, Kaguya proceeded to make quick work of the real Naruto's clothes, and began kissing him intently. "...never mind."

Obito couldn't help finding the humor in the situation. "Huh, guess she just wanted the real one rather than a clone."

Sasuke, whose eyes had flickered below Naruto's waist for a mere second- after all, he was able to admit that he had some severe issues with comparing himself to Naruto no matter what the situation- scowled. "Okay, now I see why Hinata and the rabbit goddess went after Naruto, and no one else did. They can see through clothes."

Kakashi also fell into a mild state of gloom. "I don't know whether to feel depressed, or proud."

"Be proud you hopefully get to watch the mother of all shinobi getting banged silly by your former student." Obito declared philosophically. "You'll feel far less emasculated that way."

"Seriously, I could have used that kind of simple logic years ago." Kakashi complained, turning to the man. "Things in konoha wouldn't have been so lame if you'd been around after the war."

Sakura redirected his attention back to the action when she asked. "Wait, why is she floating down like that? Did she just stop at his waist? No way, she's not really about to..."

...and then the sounds started.

"OH GOD WHY?!" Zetsu screamed as if he'd stumbled upon the scene of Homura, Danzo, and Hiruzen gangbanging Koharu. "MY EEEYYYES...mom, cut that shit out!"

Kakashi's head tilted a bit in mild confusion. "Considering when she lived, it kind of makes you wonder just how old the concept of fellatio is."

"I'm more impressed that Naruto has lasted this long." Obito admitted. "Isn't he supposed to be a virgin?"

Kakashi gave a nonchalant shrug. "Well, he was alone with Jiraiya for almost three years...and that sounded so wrong."

"Nah, he's still to innocent and naive about girls to not be a virgin." Obito decided, also choosing to ignore how wrong his former teammate's comment sounded.

"I can't believe that pervert is just letting her do that!" Sakura growled, not that any of the guys would agree, nor could they really blame Naruto. "What about Hinata?!"

"What about ME?!" A voice she hadn't heard in almost two years growled from deep in her subconscious.

"Hey Obito?"

"Yeah Kakashi?"

"Please tell me you're recording this with your Sharingan." Kakashi said.

"I have to." Obito said. "This is either proof that there is something unnatural about the Uzumaki Clan, or easily the greatest porno that will ever be made."

"And if he wasn't, I am." Sasuke intoned. To him, this was further proof that Naruto had some of the most amazing luck he'd ever encountered.

"Thank god that's over." Zetsu said in relief as Kaguya backed away with a traumatizingly loud, echoing pop. "Wait, what the fuck are you doing now?! Why are you laying down like that?! Hey, where the fuck do you think you're sticking that?! Hey you blond retard, get the fuck away from my mo-mmmpphhh!"

Everyone was quite shocked as Kaguya had negligently waved her hand, encased Zetsu in a block of something that looked like it belonged in one of those disturbing hentai anime, and tossed him through a portal that had suddenly appeared.

Kakashi raised a brow. "So much for protests."

Obito countered with. "I'm tempted to cheer him on, but I'm afraid that any noise I make would be considered an interruption."

"That's it, I'm going to put a stop to this." Sakura said, before suddenly finding herself incapable of moving her body. "What's going on?"

"Seriously, have you made it your mission in life to be a cockblock to that kid?" Obito accused. "I've kept a very close eye on him trying to gauge his threat level, and from what I've seen, aside from Hinata, every girl that's ever been interested in him, or made a move on him, you've thrown some kind of hissy about."

Seeing the familiar eye twitch that plainly told him that Sakura's feminine indignation was clouding her ability to think logically, Kakashi tried to explain things another way. "I think what Obito was trying to say was that given how she so negligently dispatched of Zetsu, and how easily it would be for her to do so to any one of us aside from Naruto and Sasuke, I think it best to let this play out, and hope for the best."

Despite understanding the logic of the situation, for some reason, Sakura just couldn't hold back the jealousy in her tone. "You just want to watch some insanely gorgeous woman have sex."

Again, Kakashi gave a nonchalant shrug. "It's not a bad trade; but really, Naruto seems to have things well in hand."

Obito couldn't help adding his two cents. "I'll say, but I think it would also be safe to say that it's a bit more than his hand can contain."

"So, just to clarify, we're not going to use this distraction to try and defeat her, right?" Sasuke said, looking for weak points and openings despite making sure not to miss a bit of the action. "I mean, she looks like she'd never seen an attack coming."

"Well, considering what happened to Zetsu when all he tried to do was verbally interrupt, I don't think it would be a good idea." Kakashi reminded him.

Obito brought the point home with. "Besides, if this is anything like that Therapy Jutsu thing that he always seems to use on opponents, I'd say we give him a chance. Someone that powerful wanting to save the world rather than destroy it would probably be a good thing if he succeeds."

"Well, it's not like any version of it that I've ever seen, but if it works, I'm game for letting him try. Besides, he's losing his virginity to the fucking rabbit goddess, and it would be a complete dick move to ruin that for him."

Sasuke knew that even as much of a dick as he'd been for the past couple years, according to the man laws, interrupting would be a serious violation that there was no coming back from. "Okay, really, what's he doing right? Two incredibly hot Hyuuga have wanted the dobe's body, and one's actually going for it. Is it a bloodline or something?

Kakashi, who'd known Naruto's parents, grinned beneath his mask. "Well, the Uzumaki as a clan were well known for having monstrous amounts of stamina which we've all seen in action before. Not only that, but they're also well known for their recovery ability, and strong life force which gave them very high durability."

Obito matched Kakashi's grin, even if they couldn't see that fact. "Madara once told me that there was something about Uzumaki born to the main line that made them damn near irresistible to doujutsu users of the opposite sex. He also found it rather ironic that doujutsu using clan heads and heiresses seemed incapable of not getting hot for them."

Sasuke smirked, and while he wanted to flick his eyes to Sakura as he said it, he kept them on the rutting pair. "It would certainly explain why Hinata was the only girl in our year group that was attracted to him."

Obito was far less subtle with his insult. "So she was the only really intelligent one of that group in her relationship pursuits?"

"What's that supposed to mean?!" Sakura growled, knowing they were talking about her.

Sasuke felt no remorse bursting a really big bubble. "I was never interested in any of the girls who were after me, and tried to brush you off in the most obvious and harsh manner possible. I'm still not interested, and you still seem to have romantic intentions towards me rather than the boy who's been in front of you for years."

'As a matter of fact, I'm willing to bet you'd ignore what happening right in front of you if you thought you had a chance with me.' Sasuke thought.

Obito, who had always enjoyed taunting and teasing his kinsmen before he'd been corrupted by Madara, added. "You should be glad that you didn't have a sister. Chances are that between his Uzumakiness and the fox, she would have been really hot for the gaki, and that could have been really frustrating for you."

Sasuke however, having been on a team with Naruto, was skilled with the quip-fu. "Either that or extremely amusing. Might have been interesting to see how Hinata would have reacted knowing she actually had a rival for Naruto. Probably would have made me and Naruto better friends knowing we could commiserate over dueling fangirls."

Sakura, deciding she wasn't going to just take the quip barrage, replied. "Well it's not like a girl could really be attracted to someone who was always acting so idiotic all the time."

Obito killed her momentum easily. "Seriously, even if he was an idiot, idiocy isn't exactly genetic, and any intelligent person would have realized the benefits of getting the Uzumaki genes mixed into their family lines; especially a line with a bloodline..."

"Get ready, Naruto's about to use a jutsu." Sasuke interrupted him, noticing that Naruto's hands had formed a hand seal, and he was gathering chakra. "Never mind."

"Huh?" Obito said stunned. "Shadow Clones, what's he planning to do with?...oh."

"Clever." Kakashi replied mightily impressed. He'd admittedly never thought of using Kage Bunshin that way before.

"Wow, look at her go." Obito said in awe. "Even outnumbered she's not backing down."

"Well, she's not the rabbit goddess for nothing." Kakashi said, showing that he was quite well versed in the quippage.

Sasuke couldn't help smirking at Sakura's mildly angry, and highly frustrated reaction to Naruto's latest stunt. "Something wrong, Sakura?"

"Shut up, teme." The pinkette growled. For some reason, Sasuke felt a swell of pride at Sakura's insult.


Outside of the dimension, the four Hokage had just watched the Sage of Six Paths materialise from Madara's legs. He was about to speak when a portal suddenly opened, and out stepped Kakashi, Obito, Sasuke, a heatedly fuming Sakura, and then Naruto. Moments later Kaguya appeared. Upon seeing his mother in the portal opening, Hagoromo immediately assumed a defensive stance which was quickly mimicked by the others...well, as much as Minato could, anyway. This of course proved pointless as Naruto raised a hand to help her step down from the raised black hole, and as soon as her feet touched the ground, she fell into his side like a limpet.

Hagoromo stared in disbelief as the group approached, his eyes glued to his mother who was clutching Naruto's arm to her chest, her head resting on his shoulder, and her smiling a smile Hagoromo hadn't seen on her face since he was a small child. She also seemed to be using him to hold herself up, and was walking with quite a limp. If that wasn't enough to shock him, then what happened next certainly was. Faster than anyone could track- aside from Naruto, Sasuke, and Hagoromo himself- Kaguya darted over to her son, kissed him on the cheek, and hugged his head to her bosom while whispering sweet sentiments and apologies for going insane, and trying to kill her precious babies.

"Um, what?" Hagoromo asked at his mother's bizarre behavior. She hadn't been this affectionate with him since she'd found out that he and Homura could use chakra.

"Yeah, I think we'd all like to know what happened." Minato added, not sure how to respond to the craziness that was really starting to remind him of his deceased wife...and not in a good way.

"Sensei, you would have been so proud of Naruto." Naruto blushed at his sensei's praise. "He single-handedly defeated a goddess."

"And boy did he use his hands and other things in such interesting ways, sensei." Obito continued. "I have to say, I don't think anyone ever thought of using fuuton jutsu, and most especially the Rasengan, that way."

Eyebrow raised, Minato deadpanned. "Okay, now I really want to know what happened."

"Well, if we can get rid of that," Kakashi said, pointing to the moon that was projecting the Infinite Tsukuyomi- which for some reason wasn't effecting them. "-then I'm sure we could show you."

With a grin, and a casual wave of her hand, Kaguya ended the uber Genjutsu with ease. Taking this as his cue, Sasuke used his Sharinnegan to projects a similar Genjutsu on everyone that replayed the entire fight against Kaguya. Seeing his son in action, Minato shuddered at how Kushina would have reacted to seeing this. As everyone stared on in shock, some people tennis balling their eyes between Naruto and the Genjutsu, Hinata could only look on devastated. After everything she'd gone through to get his attention, someone had still come along and taken Naruto away from her. What made it even worse, was that it was the original Byakugan wielder who had done it.

Tearing her eyes away from the scene of the very thorough pleasuring of such an absolutely beautiful woman, she turned her eyes to where her beloved stood with said incredibly beautiful woman, and gained a sad smile. Even it it wasn't her, she still loved Naruto enough to hope that he was at least happy with his lover. Kiba- with great difficulty- tore his eyes away from the projection of Naruto banging the rabbit goddess. As his eyes fell on Hinata, he couldn't decide whether he was sad for his friend, happy that he might finally have a chance with her, or jealous at the insanely hot woman with the obvious Byakugan that Naruto had hanging off him. Seriously, what was he doing right?

Over with Naruto, Kaguya suddenly felt the attentive eyes on her, followed by the feeling of deep sadness of someone who was looking at her man. A quick search was all it took to find the one responsible. With a frown on her face, a portal opened behind her, and she grabbed Naruto, before drawing them both backwards into it, much to the shock and horrror of everyone who saw it. Moments later, a portal opened behind Hinata. A long nailed hand appeared from the portal, grabbed the back collar of her uniform vest, and pulled the pale eyed Chuunin backwards into the portal. Her loud squeak of surprise alerted everyone to the happenings, and those who were able to tear their eyes away from the porno got a glimpse of Hinata's feet disappearing into a familiar black hole.

His eye twitching, Sasuke gave a grunt, before griping. "I wonder if the dobe realizes that it's things like that which pretty much justify everything I've done out of jealousy towards him."

Kiba, who was worried for his teammate and friend couldn't hold back his worry. "What the hell was that?!"

Hagoromo, with a developing eye twitch of his own, replied. "That was very likely Naruto getting a threesome with your comrade and my mother, the rabbit goddess."

Obito, who hadn't jokingly teased someone like this in a long while, and was making up for lost time, replied. "Well, from what we saw, maybe she realized she needed help, and decided to draft the only woman she felt she could trust; someone with eyes like hers."

Sasuke heaved a great sigh of frustration. "You know, I had this whole plan to turn on everyone again, and start a revolution that would end the Gokage system, and create a new one that would result in peace. After seeing Naruto screw a woman who even the Rikudo Sennin called a fucking goddess to defeat her, something tells me that it would just be a wasted effort, and only end up pissing those two off. That is not someone I want to piss off, especially since the only person who could help me beat her, would probably be helping her."

"So what are you going to do?" Kakashi asked, curious of his former student's next move.

"I figure I could become a hermit of some kind." Sasuke said with a shrug. "Since I've copied Naruto using both Kage Bunshin and Oiroke no Jutsu, I should be fine for company if I need it."

"Really?" Kakashi asked. "According to Naruto, being heterosexual makes it kind of difficult to make that work, since your clones have the same preferences as you, regardless of what they look like."

Sasuke gave a knowing smirk. "That's probably true, but I have an advantage over Naruto. During puberty when I should have been developing a sexual preference, I was far too focused on being an avenger to really deal with things like that. Because of that, I don't have the hang-ups that would prevent me from using the jutsu to it's fullest perverted potential."


1. rabbit goddess



In another plane of existence, two redheads gave each other high fives. The slightly older male turned to his two best friends, holding out his hand...

"I believe I won that bet." Nagato said to Konan and Yahiko.

...while the slightly younger female turned to the rest of the gathered family.

"Ha, we told you that my baby boy would do the clan proud." Kushina boasted to the rest.

Itachi, who was standing next to a morose looking Gama Sennin, couldn't help asking. "What's got you so down Jiraiya-san? Your apprentice just banged the fabled rabbit goddess into submission."

"He may have been my apprentice, but I can't exactly claim to have taught him any of that." Jiraiya grumped.

"That didn't stop Kakashi." Itachi reminded him.

"It's a completely different set of circumstances." Jiraiya protested.

"I knew I should have taken a firmer hand in raising Sasuke, rather than letting Fugaku have his way." Mikoto griped, having seen what her son had become, and thankful that he at least turned around in the end.

"Is that why you asked me to seal your doujutsu after you got the Mangekyo?" Kushina asked.

"Yes." Mikoto admitted. "Uchiha who develop the Mangekyo start losing their sanity along with their eyesight, and those who end up with the Eternal Mangekyo become megalomaniacs."

"But Madara and Sasuke are the only ones to reach that level." Kushina reminded her.

"Exactly my point."

Alt. Omake

"You know, now I'm kind of disappointed I turned Kushina down when she asked me to be Naruto-kun's godmother." Mikoto lamented.

"Really kaasan?" Itachi asked.

With a slightly perverted leer, Mikoto revealed. "Uzumaki tradition states that nonclan godparents are allowed to reap certain benefits of the Uzumaki bloodline so long as we're approached for it. That could have been me getting Naruto's Gangbang no Jutsu."

A nondescript voice from far off screamed. "WHAT THE FUCK, MIKOTO?!"s

"Yeah," Itachi agreed. "I really didn't need to hear that from my mother."


Okay, I'm not kidding this time. Seriously, where the fuck are these sick ideas coming from?

In case anyone is wondering, you can find the picture that probably helped spawn this idea at gelbooruDOTcom and doing a search for 'chikantan'.