Here it is, the sequel you've all been waiting for! It's Cowboy Bebop: The FUNNIER Sessions! Funnier than funny! Oh yes! Ya might wanna read The Funny Sessions if you haven't done it yet! Welp, here we go!
Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I also don't own any of the barbarians… they're just there. I think.
Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.
Aboard the Bebop…
"So, Faye, what are we going to do today?" Jet asked. It had been exactly one week since Spike and Vicious had killed each other. Yes, they are dead. Get over it.
"I'm going to visit Spike's grave today," Faye said.
"You what?" Jet asked.
"You heard me, Jet," Faye said. "I'm going to Mars to visit Spike's grave. I even bought this flower to put on it."
Faye held up a rose.
"Ouch!" Faye said as one of the thorns pricked her finger. "Third time today…"
"Maybe you oughta put that in a vase," Jet said.
"Maybe I oughta put YOU in a vase," Faye replied.
"How can you do that?" Jet asked. "Vases are small, and… is it a big vase?"
Faye turned and left the room without saying anything to Jet.
"Oh sure, go on without me," Jet said. "But if you get captured again, I'm not saving you!"
Session 27: Barbarian Blues
"I think I'll go check on today's bounties," Jet said, turning on the TV.
BIGGERSHOT- The NEW Show For Bounty Hunters
A Mexican-looking man and a blonde-haired woman appeared on the screen. The blonde-haired woman was in a strait jacket.
The NEW Paunch: Hello, I'm the NEW Paunch who they hired to replace the old one who got killed!
Crazy Judy: And I'm the old Judy who they had to put in a strait jacket because I killed the old Paunch.
The NEW Paunch: So, Crazy Judy, what is our all NEW bounty for today?
Crazy Judy: Today we have three *lunges at The NEW Paunch* I'm gonna kill you! Kill! *shakes her head* Where was I?
The NEW Paunch: Did you forget to take your pills today?
Crazy Judy: I think I did….
The NEW Paunch: Anyway, buckaroos, we have three new bounties! Alaric, Attila, and Odoacer are the three members of a brutal street gang called the Barbarians! They specialize in vandalism, especially gravesites!
"Eh?" Jet said.
Crazy Judy: There's a 2 million wulong bounty on all three of these guys, with a 3 million wulong bonus for bringing all of them in!
The NEW Paunch: That comes out to 9 million all NEW wulongs!
Crazy Judy: Yay! *starts foaming at the mouth* I'm gonna kill you! *lunges at The NEW Paunch*
Jet turned off the TV.
"Gravesites?" Jet said. "Uh oh… Faye's in trouble!"
Meanwhile, Faye's Redtail landed in the middle of a crowded city on Mars.
"Now to find Spike's grave," Faye said. "I loved him so much! Ow!"
Faye put her finger in her mouth.
"Maybe I should put this in a vase," Faye said. She walked down the street and stopped in front of a small building.
"Welcome to the Vase Store!" said a short-looking man in front of the building.
"Wow, that was quick," Faye said. She walked into the Vase Store and began looking around.
"May I help you?" said a beautiful-looking woman behind the counter. Faye walked up to the counter and held up the rose.
"I need a vase for this," Faye said. "It keeps pricking my finger!"
Faye winced and held up her index finger, which was covered in cuts.
"Ew," the woman said. "You DO need a vase…"
The woman held up a large crystalline vase that was covered in diamond and gold plating.
"This is our very best vase," the woman said. "It costs 9 million wulongs."
"Don't you have anything cheaper?" Faye asked.
"Yes, we do, but they were all bought," the woman said.
Faye looked around the store. Sure enough, the store's entire stock of vases was gone.
"Why didn't I notice that before?" Faye whined.
"I don't know, but I know one thing," the woman said. "Either you give me 9 million wulongs, or no vase for you."
"But my finger-"
"NO VASE FOR YOU!" the woman shouted. "Thank you, come again."
Faye walked out of the Vase Shop, holding her rose.
"Now, where am I gonna get 9 million wulongs?" Faye asked. The rose pricked her finger again. "Ouch!"
"Did you find the vase you were looking for?" the short man outside the store asked. Faye growled and slashed the man's face with the rose.
"No, I didn't!" Faye yelled.
"That was uncalled for," the man said. "Have a nice day!"
Back aboard the Bebop…
"Nobody's here," Jet said. "The Bebop is totally empty!"
"HELLO?" Jet yelled. "ANYBODY THERE?"
The only reply was Jet's own echo, reverberating throughout the ship.
"I'm all alone," Jet said. "I can do something I always wanted to do."
Jet reached under the couch and pulled out a large box filled with videos.
"Oh yeah, baby," Jet said. "These videos are awesome."
Jet took out one of the videos and looked it over.
"This is gonna be sweet," Jet said. "Ever since I got this VCR from the museum in Episode 18, I have always wanted to do this, but since I've never been alone…"
Jet popped the video into the VCR. And then…
"Barney is a dinosaur from our imagination!" the TV blared. "And when he's tall he's what we call a dinosaur sensation!"
"I just LOVE Barney!" Jet squealed.
Meanwhile, back on Mars…
"This must be the graveyard," Faye said, walking into the large field on the top of a hill. Many graves were scattered about, but the grave at the center of the graveyard was the one that caught Faye's eye. She walked over to it. "This is Spike's grave…"
Faye knelt down next to the gravestone and held the rose in her hand.
"Ouch!" Faye said again, dropping the rose. "I need a vase…"
Faye looked down to see that her stylish yellow leather vest was stained with blood.
"Oh no!" Faye whined. "It takes forever to get this clean!"
Faye stood up and ran back to the Redtail to get a wetnap.
"Here we go," Faye said, pulling a wetnap from the Redtail's glove compartment. She began wiping the blood of of her vest. "Darn it, get clean!"
"Whew, close one," Faye sighed. "Now to get back to mourning Spike."
Faye walked over to Spike's grave. But when she got there, she saw that three men were kneeling by it.
"Hey!" Faye yelled. "What are you guys doing?"
The three men turned around. The first thing that Faye noticed is that all three men were dressed very funny. They were wearing vests and pants made out of animal furs, and pointy battle helmets on their head. They also sported very long beards and mustaches. The battle helmets were all different colors: one red, one blue, and one green.
"We're vandalizing this grave!" the red-helmeted man said. "My name is Attila, leader of the Barbarians!"
"My name is Alaric," the blue-helmeted man said. "We're Vandals!"
"And my name is Odoacer," the green-helmeted man said. "And we are NOT Vandals. We're Visigoths."
"You're both wrong!" Attila said. "We're Huns!"
"Either way, we're all the Barbarians," Alaric said. The three men stepped back to reveal Spike's grave, covered with graffiti.
"What… what did you do?" Faye sobbed. Her eyes were wet with tears. "How dare you vandalize Spike's grave!"
"I don't care whose grave it is," Attila said. "We like to vandalize and you can't stop us!"
"Oh yeah?" Faye said. She pointed her trusty Glock at the three vandals… er… Visigoths… er… Huns… er… Barbarians. "Reach for the sky!"
Attila reached behind his back and took out a large axe. He pointed it at Faye.
"I will punish you in the name of the Huns!" Attila shouted.
"Visigoths," Odoacer said, taking out a spear and pointing it at Faye. "En garde!"
"Vandals!" Alaric yelled, taking out his sword. "Prepare to die!"
"Uh, gentlemen, I have a gun," Faye said. "Guns are better than all of your weapons put together."
"What's a gun?" Attila asked. "Huns don't use guns!"
"Visigoths," Odoacer said.
"Vandals," Alaric said. "Anyway, guns are for losers!"
Alaric ran at Faye and slashes at her with his sword. Faye leaped out of the way and shot Alaric in the hand. Alaric dropped his sword and clutched his hand in pain.
"Owie!" Alaric yelled. "You gave me an owie!"
"How DARE you attack a member of our lusty gang!" Odoacer shouted. "Feel cold steel!"
Odoacer jabbed at Faye with his spear. Faye responded by shooting Odoacer in the hand. Odoacer dropped the spear and fell to the ground with Alaric.
"It seems you have defeated my men," Attila said. He pointed his axe at Faye. "Now I, Attila, the mighty Hun-"
"Visigoth," Odoacer said, still clutching his hand.
"Vandal," Alaric said.
"I'll shoot off your hand too!" Faye yelled. She pointed her gun at Attila and fired. The gun made a clicking noise. "What? Oh no, it's jammed!"
"Ha ha!" Attila laughed, clutching his mighty stomach in glee. "Your pathetic guns are small and unreliable! But a mighty axe never fails!"
Attila swung his axe as Faye, missing her by a hair. Faye stumbled back in fear.
"What's wrong, woman?" Attila asked. "Are you scared of the mighty leader of the Huns?"
"Visigoths," Odoacer said.
"Vandals," Alaric said.
"I'm not scared of you!" Faye yelled. "But I'm really ticked off!"
"Take this!" Attila yelled, swinging the axe at Faye again. Faye ducked under the axe, again, missing it by a hair.
"What am I going to do?" Faye shouted.
"What was that?" Faye asked. "Is that…"
"What are you doing?" Attila yelled. "Are you praying to your pathetic Roman gods? The Huns shall rule all!"
"Visi- oh, just screw it," Odoacer said.
"Believe, Faye. This guy is nothing."
"Spike, is that you?" Faye asked.
"No, you idiot!" yelled a voice from above Faye. Faye looked up to see Jet, hovering above her in his Hammerhead.
"Looks like I've gotta save your butt again," Jet said. "And I was watching Bar- er, porn too."
"Jet, my gun jammed!" Faye yelled.
"Believe!" Jet said.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Faye asked.
"Knock him out with the butt of your gun!" Jet yelled.
"Oh yeah!" Faye said. She walked up to Attila and smacked her gun against the back of his head.
"This helmet protects my head!" Attila shouted. "That won't work!"
"Okay, I'll try this then," Faye said, taking off Attila's helmet, and then knocking him out with the butt of her gun.
"Good show!" Jet said, giving Faye a thumbs-up. "Now let's turn these guys in and get that 9 million wulong bounty!"
"Wait, Jet, did you say 9 million wulongs?" Faye asked.
"Yeah, I did," Jet said. "Why?"
Faye grabbed the incapacitated Barbarians and dragged them into her Redtail, then flew off.
"Crap, I messed up again," Jet said. "Oh well, now I can go watch some more Barney!"
A while later, at Spike's grave…
"Here you go, Spike," Faye said, setting the rose, now inside the gold and diamond vase, next to Spike's grave. "A flower for you…"
Faye got up and left the graveyard. She got into the Redtail and flew off. Right after she did, some punk teenage kid, seeing that the coast was clear, grabbed the 9 million wulong vase and ran off. You don't leave a freaking 9 million wulong vase out in the open, idiot! *smacks Faye*
Back aboard the Bebop…
"I love Spike," Faye said.
"I want to make a bet with you," Jet said. "I bet that by the end of this fanfic, you'll fall in love with someone else besides Spike."
"How much do you want to bet?" Faye asked.
"Not much," Jet said. "10,000 wulongs."
"It's a deal," Faye said. "I love Spike!"
"Yeah, I bet I just lost 10,000 wulongs," Jet said. "I am such a sucker."
See you, NEW space cowboy…
Faye: On the new episode of Bebop, I go after a therapist!
Jet: A therapist?
Jet: Aren't you missing a space somewhere?
Faye: No, I don't think so…
Jet: In between the e and the r?
Faye: Er… uh oh.
Andy: I think MY assistance will be needed.
Faye: Where did YOU come from?
Andy: From a land of heroes and more heroes, I am Cowboy Andy, riding endlessly through the night on my noble steed!
Faye: Whatever. Next episode of Bebop… "Andy Saves Faye Sonata". Oh, real original. And what's the deal with a style of music having to be in almost every episode title? Sonata? What's the deal with that? And ANDY SAVES FAYE?
Andy: Oh yeah!
Faye: This is gonna be a long parody…